We are made to fight and fuck and talk and fight again, and sit around and laugh until we choke...
I only ever really had one Grandpa. The other died of lung cancer before I could walk properly; though I've been told he was a good man who led a good life, and I dont doubt it. But my grandpa and I...we were soul mates. Maybe that sounds pretty weird to you but that's only b/c half this world has got an upside down view of the meaning of 'soul mate'. He taught me though- he taught me the real meaning.
He taught me a lot of things and at the time I didn't really understand most of what he told me, but I stored it away anyhow, thinking that maybe one day the recollections would come at the right moment and do me some good. And I think they have, but even if they haven't, they will still always remain fond memories of a long lost childhood.
I remember the first time we ever walked down to the canal and talked under the willow trees in the dying light of a Virginia sunset. He had his old tattered straw hat on and wore cordueroy overalls. I was dressed similarily and that made me feel big, despite the fact that he had a good 2 1/2 feet on me. He looked down at me with those bright blue eyes, that didn't twinkle like wizards in books do, and said "You know, life is just memories. You live this day so that on the next you have something worthwhile to remember. Maybe that's when you know if you've lived a worthwhile life- when you're lying in a hospital bed with the doctors trying to pump life into you with needles and tubes b/c you've been diagnosed with a nostalgic tumor thats filled up your whole mind...no room left. You know? Your memory's been all used up and you've got nothing left. Then surgeons come rushing in to beeping moniters and screaming technical equipment, but they've lost you. Later when they examine your brain they see your fondest memories - your best friends and enemies and lovers all re-enacting the scenes that molded you into who you became- and that's the film of your life. Maybe that's why some people die smiling and others dont ever want to die at all...They're lacking the capacity to hold as many memories as the man who dies smiling."
I listened quietly, soaking in this ramble of pure thought that I wouldnt be able to translate for years to come.
For the rest of the summer our strolls along the banks were something to look forward to and quickly became my favorite part of the day. But the one lesson I recieved from him, (which happened to be the last), I will never ever forget. I wont waste your time and go into details about what the weather was like, or about the fireflies and how everything was just so perfect. But it was...it was perfect. He was sitting in the grass, leaning against the base of a tree and I was skipping rocks. So classic no? He had his eyes closed and looked so peaceful but then...all of the sudden, they opened and he began:
"Did you know that there are people throughout your life that you're meant to be with? I hope you recognize that early on and enjoy them- soak up how they make you feel...in my mind the saddest thing in life is that those people...those special people dont last forever...They can't b/c it just wouldnt mean as much. Sometimes you may go through time periods where you have many of those people surrounding you and giving you the will to live; and on the other hand you may go through tim periods where none of t he people around you strike you that way...sometimes it's a reletive, sometimes it's your boyfriend, sometimes it's your friend...but you'll know. You'll know b/c when you're with them it's perfect. Everythinig is perfect. You'll know b/c you'll never want that moment to end, but you'll compromise b/c another similar moment is just around the corner in a maze of moments. You'll know b/c when they are unhappy, you are affected also. You will know b/c you wont always have tot talk to understand eachother- sometimes eachother's presence will suffice. You will know b/c you iwll hurt one another, and be jealous of one another and yet, somehow still love one another. And it will probably be love of varying levels for each of the different people throughout your life- not always passionate, not always entirely emotional, not always physical, not always entirely emotional...but always with some personal level of intimacy that is sometimes misunderstood by others. You will know b/c of the awareness that such a thing cannot, and will nto last forever, anywhere but the heart, despite your wishes. But most of all you will know b/c when it is all said and done it will hurt, but you will never forget. You'll want this person with you at your special place. Do you have a special place?"
I thought about this question for a little while but it clicked pretty fast...my special place in Monteray Bay. There is a rock that is only visible when the tide is out; on family vacations I would wake up long before everyone else and walk barefoot on the beach to my rock where I would sit and watch the sun rise. That was my place. That is my place. I told him about it and I said "...I wish I could show you..." and at that moment he smiled. But it was a smile that had a touch of sadness on the corners and yet somehow I understood why...I understood that smile. He said "I think you understand now. This...this is my place."
That was my last summer under the willows on the canal. He died in October but my mom said he died smiling. And I knew why.
And now. Sometimes Im so afraid that all of this is ending much too soon and so is it really so wrong of me to wish I could know you my whole life? Is it so wrong to want to drive to Monteray with you just to sit on that rock? I dont think so b/c you have been the amazing high school friend that you hear about in books and movies and all and it is almost depressing to know that I will most likely lose contact with you after high school...or maybe college...and yet un-nerving that I have shared some of the best and and also some of the hardest memories and moments of my life with you and I dont think I'll ever forget them...I know that I'll never forget you.
Now I dont know your definition of 'soul mate' but I think I know mine pretty well and I think I have come across several in my life so far. Buy my grandpa and I? We were soul mates.