We're just like dynamite...blowin' up all night

[sexytarawitch]

[Continued from here]

The way he fills me, presses into me and stops this aching that I have inside me. Even if it's for a moment it's just what I need, what I crave right now.

"God... yeah, like that..." I rock my hips slowly and with determined movements against his hips, feeling him gasp and arch with each circle of my hips. Nothing about this

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[rogue_lawyer]

It's a trick. It has to be a trick. She's only shuddering like that to draw me closer, only making those helpless little sounds that escape when you can't quite keep your crying silent to catch me off guard.

Right?

"Punished little girls, little girls who disobey their Daddy's get hurt. S-shouldn't have left. Shouldn't have come to the Angelic city for the fallen Angel...can't help, won't help. Beyond redemption."

"Wait, rewind a minute here," I insist, my head starting to throb with dizziness again. It's probably a damn good thing we aren't getting into this physically. "Who's hurting you?"

I'm trying to puzzle out her words (Christ, she's as bad a Drusilla right now...) when she suddenly stands up, startling the hell out of me. But she's not attacking. Not even close.

"Do it. Just do it Lindsey..."

I shake my head, my free hand still braced against the door frame to keep me from falling on my ass. "Shut up. If you're not trying to eat me, I won't stake you." She really is falling apart in front of me and the tears on her face are real. "Truce, alright? What the hell's the matter with you?"

Cautiously, I move towards her, the wood of the crucifix biting into my palm. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But there's so much about her that reminds me of Darla, it ain't even funny. "Tara..."

[sexytarawitch]

"Wait, rewind a minute here...Who's hurting you?"

"I am. I hurt me." He was confused, I could smell it. I could feel it too. Nothing made sense right now, the look on his face made me see that he didn't know what I was saying either. "I'm stuck in the middle, no where to go, unsure who to be. Tired of fighting the war inside."

"Shut up. If you're not trying to eat me, I won't stake you. Truce, alright? What the hell's the matter with you?"

I winced at his words, cringing back and pulling away into the corner again as he stepped closer. "Some vampire you are Tara, never could do anything right. Couldn't even die right, could you." I spat at my non reflection, my fist clenching and coming down hard, blood pouring out of my hand as the mirror shattered. "Can't be w-who I was...don't know what I am. Only know what he made - vampire - and what she wanted - witch. Torn, pulled. Can't...can't think, can't be. Constant war is eating away at me, I can't dig it out. Can't get rid of the demon, can't rid myself of this poison..."

My words were low and muttered, I couldn't get a clear thought and I couldn't think to even bother looking at Lindsey. All I knew was that I had a piece of mirror in my hands.

With slow movemends I watched as if I was outside myself as I made slow cuts along my arm, entranced at the blood the poured from the wounds. "Can't understand, doesn't comprehend. Bleeding, blood. Blood's not mine, borrowed. Borrowed life, borrowed heart. Can't do this, didn't want this. Wanted...I don't know anymore."

[rogue_lawyer]

I shake my head, frowning in confusion at her continuing babble as I move closer. "I don't understa..." The mirror shatters with an almighty crash. "Jesus Christ! Will you please just calm down?"

Maybe it was the fact that I was hallucinating about Darla not half an hour earlier, but suddenly I'm back walking into my apartment in the dark, hearing the crunch of broken glass underfoot. All the mirrors a mess of jaded cracks. She can't look in the mirror anymore, not with the soul inside.

"Can't be w-who I was...don't know what I am. Only know what he made - vampire - and what she wanted - witch. Torn, pulled. Can't...can't think, can't be. Constant war is eating away at me, I can't dig it out. Can't get rid of the demon, can't rid myself of this poison..."

"Oh my god," I murmur. I wouldn't have thought it was physically possible to feel any dizzier than I did a moment ago, but I wind up leaning against the counter for support. "There's no way. There's just no way."

"Can't understand, doesn't comprehend. Bleeding, blood. Blood's not mine, borrowed. Borrowed life, borrowed heart. Can't do this, didn't want this. Wanted...I don't know anymore."

She's dragging the broken glass over her skin, the vampiric healing not quick enough to keep the blood from dripping onto the tile. My stomach lurches and I'm stumbling forward to get the glass away from her before I can think of the danger.

Letter openers, staple gun, even ball point pens, anything with a sharp edge, you may want to remove those sorts of items from your office. Just in case. Thanks, Holland. Always with the sage advice.

"Stop it," I growl, wrenching the glass out of her grip, letting it slip from my numb fingers to shatter on the floor. "Listen to me, I need you to calm down, alright? Hey..." There's blood on my hand (hers, formerly mine) but I cup my fingers against the side of her face, forcing her to look at me. She's warm. Of course she is. She just fed. Monster, monster, monster. What am I doing?

But there's something about her eyes. Something haunted that I learned to recognize a few years back, as it tore the girl I loved apart from the inside out.

"You've got a soul, don't you? You're another goddamn vampire with a soul." I can't stop my sudden laughter, blood loss and disbelief making me punchy. "Lilah was right. I'm a magnet."

[sexytarawitch]

"Stop it...Listen to me, I need you to calm down, alright? Hey..."

The glass is out of my hands and I'm too numb to react; my eyes frantic and trying to look for a way out. The second his hands are touching me I seem to snap out of whatever insane state I was in a second ago. I close my eyes and lean into his hand before opening my eyes to look back at him, his voice soothing me from the inside.

"You've got a soul, don't you? You're another goddamn vampire with a soul. Lilah was right. I'm a magnet."

I blink at him and look at him confused. "Another..." Wait, did that mean he knew Angel... This is getting crazier then I ever thought. "Different." I whispered, looking down and letting my hair fall into my face, the warmth of his hand washing over me. "Never was w-without it, became a demon and the soul stayed." He looked confused but I just shook my head, waiting for another moment to tell him about the spell and everything that happened.

Licking my lips i felt his arms go around me, pulling me to him as I shook slightly. "Lindsey, please." I closed my eyes and picked up the cross with the pointed stake at the bottom from the counter and pressed it against my chest, feeling it burn my skin through the sheet.

I pulled back from his arms and put his hand over the cross as it burned my skin. "Please, I can't. I can't do this. Make it go away." I was pleading and I didn't care at this point, it all just had to stop. I reached up with my other hand and ran it over the bite I'd given him. "I-I'm sorry...I w-wasn't going to and...I couldn't stop and...please. I'm s-sorry, just...just make it all stop. I s-should be punished f-for what I did..." I tightened his hand around the cross and pressed it harder to my skin, the pain shooting through me as I tried to ignore it.

[rogue_lawyer]

I'm beyond confused, still stuck on the puzzling fact that I haven't staked her yet, despite the blood loss making my head swim. She's tangled up in the white bed sheet like the Virgin Mary, but when she presses the crucifix in my hand against her skin, the smoke curls up with a barely audible hiss. Appearances are always so damned deceived.

"I-I'm sorry...I w-wasn't going to and...I couldn't stop and...please. I'm s-sorry, just...just make it all stop. I s-should be punished f-for what I did..." Her fingers sting over the bite mark on my throat and I can't say a word, just shaking my head slowly as she pulls the stake harder against her chest.

What's one vampire? Soul or no soul. The words we whispered in the heat of passion come back to mock me now... she really is dangerous. She tried to warn me, and I'd thought it was all a game.

Yeah. Right. All fun and games until someone gets their throat torn out.

The tip of the stake pierces her flesh and I flinch as she does. It's not really fair. She never even had a chance... nobody should have to live with that kind of torment. And I don't think I could live with myself if I let her disappear into dust without even trying to help her.

"Stop," I tell her firmly, pulling at her hand with all my strength. She's so much stronger than me right now, I won't be able to get the stake away from her unless she let's me. "Tara, stop. I can help you. Just stop a minute and talk with me, alright? We'll get you cleaned up and... and I can try to make it stop hurting."

Don't know why I'm doing this just yet, or how I plan to help her at all, but that quiet neglected whispering of my conscience tells me it's the right thing.

[sexytarawitch]

"Stop, Tara, stop. I can help you. Just stop a minute and talk with me, alright? We'll get you cleaned up and... and I can try to make it stop hurting."

"Why?" I croaked, letting him pull the stake from my hand, hearing it fall to the floor as the scent of my burnt flesh filled my senses. "I tried to kill you. I shouldn't have t-tried to feed, I don't know w-what I'm doing...I've never..." I feel myself slowly start to give in, to give up all this fighting and I don't know what to do first. "Not strong enough...never was." I've never felt so broken in my entire life.

He pulls the sheet away and I close my eyes, my body limp and weak against him, not caring if he staked me, tossed me in the sunlight or beat me for what I did to him. I feel him guide me over towards the shower, turning the water on hot and brushing my wet hair away from my face.

I blink and realize that his clothes are getting wet as he holds me, trying to wash the blood off of my body and hands, I shake my head and feel the tears start to mix with the shower water. "Don't...I'm not worth it. Please don't. Lindsey." My voice is pleading and I knew that Spike never had the courage to do it, maybe a stranger would. "I can't fight this anymore. Please, it's ok. Please make it stop..."