Don't give me choices ‘cause I can't decide...
Today, I died…
Actually it was two days ago.
I don’t know how to feel. Or should I say I don’t know what to feel first. I feel everything and nothing all at once. I feel empty and hallow inside; like something’s missing as well as something’s invaded my body. Part of me wants to go into a corner and sob till I can get the courage to go out into the sun and end the war going on inside me.
Another part of me wants to enjoy the freedom I have now, enjoy it and make the best of it. Something draws me to the Hellmouth and it’s frightening. I can feel it in my bones as it pulls me, calling out to me to do wicked things. ‘Sunnydale doesn’t have a slayer’ it tells me ‘you can own this town’ it tempts me more.
The idea excites me, it frightens me. Maybe not so much the idea of hurting someone because I don’t think I could ever do that. But the idea of freedom, of letting lose and enjoying the things that I missed out on life before.
Every time I have a moment of clarity it’s clouded over by my confusion.
I still feel like me but now I crave things that frighten me. What scares me is how much I want and like pain now. You would think that after spending seventeen years being my father and brother’s punching bag that I would run away from the pain.
But I didn’t last night. I enjoyed it, I wanted more, I wanted more from him. Spike could have done anything to me and I would have let him.
Then again I did and he did.
I’m torn. I am still me: I’m still Tara Maclay from the south who loved cooking with her mother, loves poetry and quiet moments and the other ordinary things people take for granted.
But now…now I have a demon inside me, this time it’s no fairytale told by my father. I have a demon that wants to hurt and hunt and kill everything that I used to cherish.
I had a dream…last night…
A dream that I killed Dawn.
A dream that I killed Dawn…and I liked it.
There’s a war going on and I’m the battleground, most of all I’m scared of who’s going to win.
Sighing softly, I closed the journal, looking out the window of the bus as we headed down the highway towards LA. It seems like forever ago that I wrote that; but all the memories, thoughts and emotions feel like they were yesterday.
I still wasn’t used to the knowledge that Spike turned me, that I was a vampire - with a soul - no less. But I wasn’t like Buffy’s ex-boyfriend, Angel, by any means. I was turned and never lost my soul.
Still felt like me - everything that made me Tara - but I now had this demon inside me that tormented me on end, it was a constant battle and it’s only been a few days.
The idea of being like this for a few years - let alone decades, maybe longer - it was going to drive me mad, not to mention Spike as well. I knew this was hard on him, I knew it wasn’t easy on him but he was trying. Trying and doing the right thing was never something he was good at or did well.
I was a vampire now, reborn after death to walk the night by Spike’s side, just that idea was heaven in it’s self. I got to be with him. I see now that my feelings for him were never anything to feel guilty about, people change and people fall in love. There’s nothing you can do to change that and it’s definitely not something to feel guilty about.
Maybe things would be different if I had seen that sooner, while I still had a heartbeat.
That didn’t matter now, that was a dead issue. But now I still had my soul - ironically thanks to Willow - and that kept me, as I was when I was human. I still had all the loves and fears that I did before, maybe not so much with the fears any more thanks to the demon part of me.
One thing that didn’t sit well with me that I knew I had to hope would work out was the fact that I really was a demon. I spent twenty years of my life living in fear that I was one, I find out - from Spike - that I’m not and just as I truly get used to that…
I was now a vampire.
No matter how much I loved him, I knew I couldn’t stay. I needed to leave Sunnydale and find myself. I can’t expect to have a relationship with him if I don’t know who or what I am, what I want out of this new life that’s been forced onto me.
The bus stopped and I waited till most people piled their way off, the idea of being packed tightly in an isle with humans made my stomach ache. I hadn’t fed in nearly a day and I knew that I would have to soon. I didn’t want to find out what would happen to me if I didn’t.
Pulling my bag from the overhead compartment I started to slowly make my way off the bus, shrugging on my leather jacket before looking around and finding my way out. I needed to find a hotel and find my way around here before I went to see him. I didn’t want to just walk up to his door and say ’Hey, I’m Tara. A friend of Willow and Buffy’s and well…Spike killed me. Oh and I have a soul. Thought you could help me…’
No, I wasn’t going to do that any time soon.
I need to go get myself together at a hotel, find a butcher or someplace to get something to hold me over and then get the nerve to go up to him and ask for help.
Took me nearly two hours but I managed to find a slightly decent looking motel that allowed after five pm check in. I unpacked my bags and made sure all the window’s were covered just right before heading into the shower to wash the smell of the bus off of me as well as the rest of the day.
Everything was starting to hit me that happened and I wrapped myself in a towel and curled up on the bed, pulling the pillow up a bit behind me I opened my book and started to write, not concentrating on what I was writing but letting whatever I felt just pour out of me.
Today...I left Spike.
Well I didn't really just leave him. I did leave a note to tell him that I'd be back. I don't think he's going to take that well.
No, I know he won't, I know in my gut he's going to go into a rage and I'll be lucky not to see on the news that The Magic Box was burnt down today.
It doesn’t sit so well with me that I think I lied to him. I don’t know if I’ll be back, I don’t know if I can ever return to Sunnydale as I am now, or however I turn out in the end of this journey I feel I need to be on.
I still can't help but have some hope that he will be ok, that he'll understand and maybe realize that I need some time to fix things and make things better. I'm doing it for our relationship...
Reading what I just wrote seems like such a sack of bullshit lie, that I can't even put it into words.
Not knowing who I am or really having control over my own actions is eating away at me, I can't even find the words to describe it. I just want to be me again, human. I miss my heartbeat, I miss the sun and I kind of miss the house.
It's not that anyone even paid any attention to me when I was there but it was still home for me for some time. It was where Willow and I took care of Dawnie when Buffy died; it's where I went when Willow died.
As much as I think love Spike...I hate him. I hate everything he's done to me.
I know that's not the demon talking, it's me, what's left of my humanity - my soul.
Because he was so blindly jealous he murdered me - someone he claimed to love - just so he could have me. He never knew about the spell that Willow and I did on all of us to protect ourselves against - if need be - ourselves if we were turned. I kept my soul and some of my humanity. I never knew what a struggle it would be to have a soul from the beginning of being a vampire. We thought that we would be ourselves and just have to live on blood.
Foolish children, that’s what we were.
Now Spike, at almost every turn is determined to kill me, kill what's left of everything I was, just so he had his monster. The true monster he created. I can't be with someone like that. I need distance from him right now for a little while...maybe...maybe even longer.
I've never thought of myself as the type of girl for anyone - man or woman - but here I am. I had a woman, who was wonderful and sweet and I really think we could have had something if she'd never gotten so obsessed with bringing Buffy back lived. We'll never know now.
Then there's Spike - no William - who I fell in love with. With a beating but broken heart I managed to find a place for him. And I can convince myself from now till forever that I hate him, when I really don't all that much. I'm angry at him but I couldn't forever hate him. It's not something that was ever inside me - hate.
Now there's a demon that feeds off of it. I'm terrified...my own worst enemy is myself.
But I'm heading to LA now, maybe getting a bit of perspective. I don't know what it is but something tells me I need to be here. Maybe things will get better, I’ll find Angel and maybe he’ll help me. I know that if Spike took me things wouldn’t go so well; that’s apparent by the look that Spike gets in his eyes when Angel’s name is even mentioned.
Everything I’m doing is for the best, I have the best intentions and everything will turn out ok in the end.
Things...they have to get better....right?
Closing the book I sighed, laughing slightly at the irony that I still did that, before getting up and pulling some clothes out of my bag. Settling on a white shirt that laced up the front and a pair of black tight jeans I pulled my shoes on and paused in front of the mirror to fix my hair. “You don’t have a reflection anymore.”
I was never going to get used to this…never.
Actually it was two days ago.
I don’t know how to feel. Or should I say I don’t know what to feel first. I feel everything and nothing all at once. I feel empty and hallow inside; like something’s missing as well as something’s invaded my body. Part of me wants to go into a corner and sob till I can get the courage to go out into the sun and end the war going on inside me.
Another part of me wants to enjoy the freedom I have now, enjoy it and make the best of it. Something draws me to the Hellmouth and it’s frightening. I can feel it in my bones as it pulls me, calling out to me to do wicked things. ‘Sunnydale doesn’t have a slayer’ it tells me ‘you can own this town’ it tempts me more.
The idea excites me, it frightens me. Maybe not so much the idea of hurting someone because I don’t think I could ever do that. But the idea of freedom, of letting lose and enjoying the things that I missed out on life before.
Every time I have a moment of clarity it’s clouded over by my confusion.
I still feel like me but now I crave things that frighten me. What scares me is how much I want and like pain now. You would think that after spending seventeen years being my father and brother’s punching bag that I would run away from the pain.
But I didn’t last night. I enjoyed it, I wanted more, I wanted more from him. Spike could have done anything to me and I would have let him.
Then again I did and he did.
I’m torn. I am still me: I’m still Tara Maclay from the south who loved cooking with her mother, loves poetry and quiet moments and the other ordinary things people take for granted.
But now…now I have a demon inside me, this time it’s no fairytale told by my father. I have a demon that wants to hurt and hunt and kill everything that I used to cherish.
I had a dream…last night…
A dream that I killed Dawn.
A dream that I killed Dawn…and I liked it.
There’s a war going on and I’m the battleground, most of all I’m scared of who’s going to win.
Sighing softly, I closed the journal, looking out the window of the bus as we headed down the highway towards LA. It seems like forever ago that I wrote that; but all the memories, thoughts and emotions feel like they were yesterday.
I still wasn’t used to the knowledge that Spike turned me, that I was a vampire - with a soul - no less. But I wasn’t like Buffy’s ex-boyfriend, Angel, by any means. I was turned and never lost my soul.
Still felt like me - everything that made me Tara - but I now had this demon inside me that tormented me on end, it was a constant battle and it’s only been a few days.
The idea of being like this for a few years - let alone decades, maybe longer - it was going to drive me mad, not to mention Spike as well. I knew this was hard on him, I knew it wasn’t easy on him but he was trying. Trying and doing the right thing was never something he was good at or did well.
I was a vampire now, reborn after death to walk the night by Spike’s side, just that idea was heaven in it’s self. I got to be with him. I see now that my feelings for him were never anything to feel guilty about, people change and people fall in love. There’s nothing you can do to change that and it’s definitely not something to feel guilty about.
Maybe things would be different if I had seen that sooner, while I still had a heartbeat.
That didn’t matter now, that was a dead issue. But now I still had my soul - ironically thanks to Willow - and that kept me, as I was when I was human. I still had all the loves and fears that I did before, maybe not so much with the fears any more thanks to the demon part of me.
One thing that didn’t sit well with me that I knew I had to hope would work out was the fact that I really was a demon. I spent twenty years of my life living in fear that I was one, I find out - from Spike - that I’m not and just as I truly get used to that…
I was now a vampire.
No matter how much I loved him, I knew I couldn’t stay. I needed to leave Sunnydale and find myself. I can’t expect to have a relationship with him if I don’t know who or what I am, what I want out of this new life that’s been forced onto me.
The bus stopped and I waited till most people piled their way off, the idea of being packed tightly in an isle with humans made my stomach ache. I hadn’t fed in nearly a day and I knew that I would have to soon. I didn’t want to find out what would happen to me if I didn’t.
Pulling my bag from the overhead compartment I started to slowly make my way off the bus, shrugging on my leather jacket before looking around and finding my way out. I needed to find a hotel and find my way around here before I went to see him. I didn’t want to just walk up to his door and say ’Hey, I’m Tara. A friend of Willow and Buffy’s and well…Spike killed me. Oh and I have a soul. Thought you could help me…’
No, I wasn’t going to do that any time soon.
I need to go get myself together at a hotel, find a butcher or someplace to get something to hold me over and then get the nerve to go up to him and ask for help.
Took me nearly two hours but I managed to find a slightly decent looking motel that allowed after five pm check in. I unpacked my bags and made sure all the window’s were covered just right before heading into the shower to wash the smell of the bus off of me as well as the rest of the day.
Everything was starting to hit me that happened and I wrapped myself in a towel and curled up on the bed, pulling the pillow up a bit behind me I opened my book and started to write, not concentrating on what I was writing but letting whatever I felt just pour out of me.
Today...I left Spike.
Well I didn't really just leave him. I did leave a note to tell him that I'd be back. I don't think he's going to take that well.
No, I know he won't, I know in my gut he's going to go into a rage and I'll be lucky not to see on the news that The Magic Box was burnt down today.
It doesn’t sit so well with me that I think I lied to him. I don’t know if I’ll be back, I don’t know if I can ever return to Sunnydale as I am now, or however I turn out in the end of this journey I feel I need to be on.
I still can't help but have some hope that he will be ok, that he'll understand and maybe realize that I need some time to fix things and make things better. I'm doing it for our relationship...
Reading what I just wrote seems like such a sack of bullshit lie, that I can't even put it into words.
Not knowing who I am or really having control over my own actions is eating away at me, I can't even find the words to describe it. I just want to be me again, human. I miss my heartbeat, I miss the sun and I kind of miss the house.
It's not that anyone even paid any attention to me when I was there but it was still home for me for some time. It was where Willow and I took care of Dawnie when Buffy died; it's where I went when Willow died.
As much as I think love Spike...I hate him. I hate everything he's done to me.
I know that's not the demon talking, it's me, what's left of my humanity - my soul.
Because he was so blindly jealous he murdered me - someone he claimed to love - just so he could have me. He never knew about the spell that Willow and I did on all of us to protect ourselves against - if need be - ourselves if we were turned. I kept my soul and some of my humanity. I never knew what a struggle it would be to have a soul from the beginning of being a vampire. We thought that we would be ourselves and just have to live on blood.
Foolish children, that’s what we were.
Now Spike, at almost every turn is determined to kill me, kill what's left of everything I was, just so he had his monster. The true monster he created. I can't be with someone like that. I need distance from him right now for a little while...maybe...maybe even longer.
I've never thought of myself as the type of girl for anyone - man or woman - but here I am. I had a woman, who was wonderful and sweet and I really think we could have had something if she'd never gotten so obsessed with bringing Buffy back lived. We'll never know now.
Then there's Spike - no William - who I fell in love with. With a beating but broken heart I managed to find a place for him. And I can convince myself from now till forever that I hate him, when I really don't all that much. I'm angry at him but I couldn't forever hate him. It's not something that was ever inside me - hate.
Now there's a demon that feeds off of it. I'm terrified...my own worst enemy is myself.
But I'm heading to LA now, maybe getting a bit of perspective. I don't know what it is but something tells me I need to be here. Maybe things will get better, I’ll find Angel and maybe he’ll help me. I know that if Spike took me things wouldn’t go so well; that’s apparent by the look that Spike gets in his eyes when Angel’s name is even mentioned.
Everything I’m doing is for the best, I have the best intentions and everything will turn out ok in the end.
Things...they have to get better....right?
Closing the book I sighed, laughing slightly at the irony that I still did that, before getting up and pulling some clothes out of my bag. Settling on a white shirt that laced up the front and a pair of black tight jeans I pulled my shoes on and paused in front of the mirror to fix my hair. “You don’t have a reflection anymore.”
I was never going to get used to this…never.