:/
okso. right now, i'm just kinda sitting here. and i'm listening to ignition by r. kelly. and i've really decided i hate being my age. i was looking at pictures from when i was younger, and i realize how fricking much i want to be like that again. even if i was just one year younger i would be happy. high school has just been.. so.. weird.. i mean, i came into school with all of these goals and expecting to be this one, exact person that i had thought up, but i realize now i'm totally not that person. and i don't know how that makes me feel. whether i like it or not. and it makes me think about later on in highschool. will i still be the same person? will i be what i think i will be like now? probably not. and that scares me. because i really want to be that way. and right now. i just hate end of the years. every single year, at the end of the year, i screw up. i always screw up. i'm afraid that over the summer i'll go crazy and lose everyone. so i test them. right before school ends. and i ruin things. always. and so basically i've already done that with some people. and some of them just won't let me screw up. and i realize these are the people that do care.
i just hate saying goodbye. any types of goodbye.
1) the kind where it's with someone you don't really know so it's kind of awkward because you don't know how to say goodbye, should you hug them? should you even say anything?
2) saying goodbye to people you love. i'm terrible at it. saying goodbye because you know it's the end for the both of you, relationship wise. or saying goodbye because they are leaving for a long time. like when my brother went off to college. each time i think about it makes me cry. the day he left, i cried so hard. i tried not to. but when he hugged me for the last time, well, you know me, i'm such an emotional person. i can't ever hide my emotions. but that hug tore me up. and then he started crying. so i just ran out the door. and i just don't know. for like the first month, all i did was cry each night. i just can't handle goodbyes. it's not my thing. and even when i know a friendship is ending, i always think that it's not and just try and hold onto every last bit of it. even though i know it's over. so i cry.
my worst fears
1) saying goodbye
2) losing sam
3) spiders.
those are my weaknesses. i just can't handle them.
but anyway. so this school year is ending. and like always, i'm a basketcase. i absolutely CAN'T HANDLE end of the years. there are soo many goodbyes. and there are just so many people that i don't want to lose. and i know that over the summer, i probably will.
and right before i get emotional, i get angry. so if i get angry, it's because i feel like i'm losing you. and i get angry a lot. because i always feel like i'm losing someone. because i have lost so many people. and i get insecure over friendships.
anyways. i sound depressing. and i hate sounding depressing. because i do not want to be depressing.
so these upcoming weekends (being that it's the end of the year and i freak out i.e. read above) will be filled with lots of things
1) seasonal luncheon& sleepover girls
2) car rendezvous INTERVENTION
3) camp reunion
4) scapa girls night
5) cks re-visiting.
the end
I LOVE ANNMARIEMIRACLE & REBECCALANEGRATZ
i just hate saying goodbye. any types of goodbye.
1) the kind where it's with someone you don't really know so it's kind of awkward because you don't know how to say goodbye, should you hug them? should you even say anything?
2) saying goodbye to people you love. i'm terrible at it. saying goodbye because you know it's the end for the both of you, relationship wise. or saying goodbye because they are leaving for a long time. like when my brother went off to college. each time i think about it makes me cry. the day he left, i cried so hard. i tried not to. but when he hugged me for the last time, well, you know me, i'm such an emotional person. i can't ever hide my emotions. but that hug tore me up. and then he started crying. so i just ran out the door. and i just don't know. for like the first month, all i did was cry each night. i just can't handle goodbyes. it's not my thing. and even when i know a friendship is ending, i always think that it's not and just try and hold onto every last bit of it. even though i know it's over. so i cry.
my worst fears
1) saying goodbye
2) losing sam
3) spiders.
those are my weaknesses. i just can't handle them.
but anyway. so this school year is ending. and like always, i'm a basketcase. i absolutely CAN'T HANDLE end of the years. there are soo many goodbyes. and there are just so many people that i don't want to lose. and i know that over the summer, i probably will.
and right before i get emotional, i get angry. so if i get angry, it's because i feel like i'm losing you. and i get angry a lot. because i always feel like i'm losing someone. because i have lost so many people. and i get insecure over friendships.
anyways. i sound depressing. and i hate sounding depressing. because i do not want to be depressing.
so these upcoming weekends (being that it's the end of the year and i freak out i.e. read above) will be filled with lots of things
1) seasonal luncheon& sleepover girls
2) car rendezvous INTERVENTION
3) camp reunion
4) scapa girls night
5) cks re-visiting.
the end
I LOVE ANNMARIEMIRACLE & REBECCALANEGRATZ