The one with the pointless rambling
I'm watching That Thing You Do.
Again. It's funny that this movie makes me all girly and happy.
and completely depressed at the same time.
Ugh. It's just been one of those days when I get down on myself on being indecisive and not living up to my standards. How I just kind of feel like I'm floating along and not living my life. I can't tell if it's because I'm too busy, or too afraid.
Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off telling everyone what I think of them... Everyone. But somehow that works out with me having like... 3 friends left.
I mean, i guess it's okay to keep some things to your self... but where's the line? I mean... It's one thing if it's just a little issue... But if it's something that eats away at your brain for years and years... is that when it's time to just let it go? And what if the only way to let go is to be honest? But being honest means losing things that are important to you. Ugh. Right now, it would be very nice to just be an empty shell. at least until summer comes. then i can clear my head. This is why camp is the most amazing place on earth I can go out on the dock (don't tell anyone, I go out there sometimes at night without a lifeguard.. sometimes it pays to get extra priviledges)
and just spend a few hours sorting out my thoughts (yes.. it takes that long. You really don't want to see inside my brain) The point is I'm getting to the point where I'm holding so much in I think I might just explode. But by letting it out, that could make me implode on myself... like a dying star. hah. I need to get away. Part of me just wants to pack up my car and leave tonight. Just drive wherever life takes me. see where I end up and leave everything else behind. Not that I don't love everyone here in camas... okay not everyone. but my friends. But we live in such a bubble. I want to know what else is out there. Get a reality check. I want to be involved with something bigger than high school. So I can go out and just do what I love to do. Be free from all my thoughts. have nothing but what's in front of me. When I stay put, I have the past with me. And it pulls me down. I can't move up with the past pulling me back. And no matter how hard I fight.. It's like trying to fight gravity. i can't let go. But damn if I could. It'd be nice to live without the past attached to me 24/7. and I MEAN 24/7. I can barely get a good night's sleep nowadays. My brain is pretty much eating my body. The only time I can block it out is when I'm tuned out watching reruns. God forbid they should contain anything remotely similar to my life though. Then I get all contemplative and end up not sleeping and posting a far too long livejournal entry instead. And i hate that because it means my livejournal is becoming a ranting whining spot. Which I don't like. really. It's nice to vent, but I'd prefer to leave you all with simple updates with the occasional rant. I just don't have time for the simple updates. Come to think of it, I don't really have time for the rants either. I miss having time to do things like make pointless entries in my livejournal. I miss having time to ponder my existence, or my nonexistent love life (which I guess I do anyway, but not enough for me to get any concrete answers what so ever.) Hey, you know what'd be great? Having time to HAVE a love life. OR HEY, to spend time with my family. My life consists of homework, eating, and sleeping. Occasionally I go out. but basically any human contact outside of school is done over myspace or AIM. i realize I chose the rigorous courses. I realize they require extra work. But god damnit, I'd like a break every now and then. I'm a 16 year old. And you know what, Jordan told me I'm wasting my life. I told him I wasn't, I'm saving my future. I'm really not. I am wasting my life. I have amazing friends. A wonderful family. I live in a good town. I take for granted that I'm always going to have them. But in two years, I'm leaving my friends and my family and this town. I'm moving to a city where I don't know anyone, and while that's good and exciting to try new things, I'm wasting what little time I have left with these wonderful people. Once again: Jordan has outsmarted me and wins the fight. hah. shocking. But this is not the point. The point is, I've become a teenage workaholic, with nothing to live for but my god damn 4.0 and I'm sick and tired of it. Yes, it's rewarding to have good grades. But it's become an obsession. I'm sick and tired of it. Damn. i want to be a kid. I want to go on drives at 3am and get pies at sharis. I want to go out and lay in the middle of the street at night to watch the stars. ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. I want to go a day with blowing off all my homework, and not feeling like my insides are going to shrivel up and die. I would like my blood pressure to return to normal for a 16 year old. Hell, is it at least too much to ask to go a summer without having homework. It's called a break for a reason. Damn. This entry has dragged on from tangent to tangent. I barely know what I'm talking about, yet another sign my brain is completely fried. That and it's all one paragraph. if you're still reading.... you're either amazingly wonderful or insane.
But if you decided to skip that monster paragraph, here's the summary:
I really. REALLY REALLY. Can't wait for summer. Physically can't wait. I don't think I can stand it. I need the time away from everyone. To be on my own in my own peaceful place (camp.. which i realize will still have people I know, but it's as far away as I can get. maybe I'll leave early and spend a few days at fish lake.. or leavenworthless) and collect my thoughts about everything. Everyone. Family. Friends. Guys (but ugh. let's not even get started on that right now)
I need a break from life. Not in a depressing way. In a sort of frantic about to explode way. Like if it doesn't happen soon i've got a first class one way ticket to a panic attack induced coma. I'm not saying my life is bad. I'm saying it's reaaaaaaaally busy. Not in that I have too many activities or anything. There are just a lot of things going on around me that I'm not really sure what I think about them. any of them. Ask me what I think about my parents. Or how my friends have been acting lately. Or how I think my future is going to pan out. If i ever plan on EVER dating anyone ever again. And if so, why don't I go for it (but again, we're not getting into that otherwise my brain will EXPLODE.) ask me any of that. I promise you I will just stare off into space.. maybe start crying.
Rebecca really needs some alone time. REALLY.
some sleep might help too.
and getting done with the god damn AP tests already.
and school. and mr. greene's class.
which just made me think of scheduling, another problem which I hate and will refuse to get worked up about this late in the night.
almost morning.
gotta wake up in 5 and a half hours to do english homework i didn't do today.
i miss the days when I didn't have homework.
this is the one lesson they should teach kids in elementary school.
enjoy the days you can go home and play outside until it gets dark. Enjoy having a bed time that is earlier than midnight. enjoy having one teacher everyday. Oh my god. Enjoy recess and having a home made lunch. arts and crafts projects that didn't have to contain relevant historical context. enjoy having the cute little crushes that didn't make you want to remove your heart and put it into a blender. enjoy the fact that the most unhappiness you ever got was over a paper cut, or some kid taking the blue crayon when you wanted it first. if I ever teach, these will be my lessons.
who cares if I can tell the difference between two kinds of salmon?
or if jan has 5 apples but gives 2 to mike.
who the hell cares if I read treasure Island, or know who a character foil is?
It's elementary school, if anything, these kids should be just that: kids.
Damn.
I can't wait until summer.
me
Again. It's funny that this movie makes me all girly and happy.
and completely depressed at the same time.
Ugh. It's just been one of those days when I get down on myself on being indecisive and not living up to my standards. How I just kind of feel like I'm floating along and not living my life. I can't tell if it's because I'm too busy, or too afraid.
Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off telling everyone what I think of them... Everyone. But somehow that works out with me having like... 3 friends left.
I mean, i guess it's okay to keep some things to your self... but where's the line? I mean... It's one thing if it's just a little issue... But if it's something that eats away at your brain for years and years... is that when it's time to just let it go? And what if the only way to let go is to be honest? But being honest means losing things that are important to you. Ugh. Right now, it would be very nice to just be an empty shell. at least until summer comes. then i can clear my head. This is why camp is the most amazing place on earth I can go out on the dock (don't tell anyone, I go out there sometimes at night without a lifeguard.. sometimes it pays to get extra priviledges)
and just spend a few hours sorting out my thoughts (yes.. it takes that long. You really don't want to see inside my brain) The point is I'm getting to the point where I'm holding so much in I think I might just explode. But by letting it out, that could make me implode on myself... like a dying star. hah. I need to get away. Part of me just wants to pack up my car and leave tonight. Just drive wherever life takes me. see where I end up and leave everything else behind. Not that I don't love everyone here in camas... okay not everyone. but my friends. But we live in such a bubble. I want to know what else is out there. Get a reality check. I want to be involved with something bigger than high school. So I can go out and just do what I love to do. Be free from all my thoughts. have nothing but what's in front of me. When I stay put, I have the past with me. And it pulls me down. I can't move up with the past pulling me back. And no matter how hard I fight.. It's like trying to fight gravity. i can't let go. But damn if I could. It'd be nice to live without the past attached to me 24/7. and I MEAN 24/7. I can barely get a good night's sleep nowadays. My brain is pretty much eating my body. The only time I can block it out is when I'm tuned out watching reruns. God forbid they should contain anything remotely similar to my life though. Then I get all contemplative and end up not sleeping and posting a far too long livejournal entry instead. And i hate that because it means my livejournal is becoming a ranting whining spot. Which I don't like. really. It's nice to vent, but I'd prefer to leave you all with simple updates with the occasional rant. I just don't have time for the simple updates. Come to think of it, I don't really have time for the rants either. I miss having time to do things like make pointless entries in my livejournal. I miss having time to ponder my existence, or my nonexistent love life (which I guess I do anyway, but not enough for me to get any concrete answers what so ever.) Hey, you know what'd be great? Having time to HAVE a love life. OR HEY, to spend time with my family. My life consists of homework, eating, and sleeping. Occasionally I go out. but basically any human contact outside of school is done over myspace or AIM. i realize I chose the rigorous courses. I realize they require extra work. But god damnit, I'd like a break every now and then. I'm a 16 year old. And you know what, Jordan told me I'm wasting my life. I told him I wasn't, I'm saving my future. I'm really not. I am wasting my life. I have amazing friends. A wonderful family. I live in a good town. I take for granted that I'm always going to have them. But in two years, I'm leaving my friends and my family and this town. I'm moving to a city where I don't know anyone, and while that's good and exciting to try new things, I'm wasting what little time I have left with these wonderful people. Once again: Jordan has outsmarted me and wins the fight. hah. shocking. But this is not the point. The point is, I've become a teenage workaholic, with nothing to live for but my god damn 4.0 and I'm sick and tired of it. Yes, it's rewarding to have good grades. But it's become an obsession. I'm sick and tired of it. Damn. i want to be a kid. I want to go on drives at 3am and get pies at sharis. I want to go out and lay in the middle of the street at night to watch the stars. ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. I want to go a day with blowing off all my homework, and not feeling like my insides are going to shrivel up and die. I would like my blood pressure to return to normal for a 16 year old. Hell, is it at least too much to ask to go a summer without having homework. It's called a break for a reason. Damn. This entry has dragged on from tangent to tangent. I barely know what I'm talking about, yet another sign my brain is completely fried. That and it's all one paragraph. if you're still reading.... you're either amazingly wonderful or insane.
But if you decided to skip that monster paragraph, here's the summary:
I really. REALLY REALLY. Can't wait for summer. Physically can't wait. I don't think I can stand it. I need the time away from everyone. To be on my own in my own peaceful place (camp.. which i realize will still have people I know, but it's as far away as I can get. maybe I'll leave early and spend a few days at fish lake.. or leavenworthless) and collect my thoughts about everything. Everyone. Family. Friends. Guys (but ugh. let's not even get started on that right now)
I need a break from life. Not in a depressing way. In a sort of frantic about to explode way. Like if it doesn't happen soon i've got a first class one way ticket to a panic attack induced coma. I'm not saying my life is bad. I'm saying it's reaaaaaaaally busy. Not in that I have too many activities or anything. There are just a lot of things going on around me that I'm not really sure what I think about them. any of them. Ask me what I think about my parents. Or how my friends have been acting lately. Or how I think my future is going to pan out. If i ever plan on EVER dating anyone ever again. And if so, why don't I go for it (but again, we're not getting into that otherwise my brain will EXPLODE.) ask me any of that. I promise you I will just stare off into space.. maybe start crying.
Rebecca really needs some alone time. REALLY.
some sleep might help too.
and getting done with the god damn AP tests already.
and school. and mr. greene's class.
which just made me think of scheduling, another problem which I hate and will refuse to get worked up about this late in the night.
almost morning.
gotta wake up in 5 and a half hours to do english homework i didn't do today.
i miss the days when I didn't have homework.
this is the one lesson they should teach kids in elementary school.
enjoy the days you can go home and play outside until it gets dark. Enjoy having a bed time that is earlier than midnight. enjoy having one teacher everyday. Oh my god. Enjoy recess and having a home made lunch. arts and crafts projects that didn't have to contain relevant historical context. enjoy having the cute little crushes that didn't make you want to remove your heart and put it into a blender. enjoy the fact that the most unhappiness you ever got was over a paper cut, or some kid taking the blue crayon when you wanted it first. if I ever teach, these will be my lessons.
who cares if I can tell the difference between two kinds of salmon?
or if jan has 5 apples but gives 2 to mike.
who the hell cares if I read treasure Island, or know who a character foil is?
It's elementary school, if anything, these kids should be just that: kids.
Damn.
I can't wait until summer.
me