calling out:
i don't know what to say. i don't know how to express myself anymore. i'm ready to let go but there are so many things tying me down. i'm so ready to make my own decisions. but to be honest, i've never really done that before. i've always made a very good servant. i am done with that feeling of obligation. i don't know anything about the world, but i do know a lot about people. and what i do know about people is depressing to say the least. i don't know. nobody seems to have original opinions anymore. i've always heard it before. and i know that everything that is must have remnants of what was, but originality, creativity is looking at the past objectively. i mean, look at our entire lives without prejudice. how important is my job? what will i do with this education? if you really trust that everything happens for a reason, as i do, you've got to ask these questions. you've got to find the reason. i just don't see the point in so many things i see all around me. i don't see the point in holding myself back, but when i try to have a productive conversation, i never seem to be able to get to my point. am i so different? i've fought off intimacy for so long that i'm here telling everyone, just to see if anyone can relate. all i want is at least one person i can confide in. i can't tell secrets because i don't have the luxury of trust. it's so hard to come by anymore. i think it's safe to say that even with those you trust the most, there's still so much deception. i'm sick of this place, and i don't know where to go. this is why i'm training in the business of production. i need to learn to make things happen. i need to learn how to make changes. i mean, the relationships i've had in the past are the same fucking relationships i have now. nothing's changed. you're all still the same people to me because i act like the same person to you. all this is largely a flaw within myself that i'm just going to need to solve. it'd be nice to have some help, though.