Number dos
Yo Ho Ho, it’s a pirate’s life for me. Today I’d like to explore the benefits and costs of being a pirate. I mean, really. Piracy is incredibly common in today’s society as it is. We steal music, movies, ideas, papers, credit. Theft is really coming back into the mainstream. I’m honestly surprised that you don’t see more Spanish Galleons floating down Wall Street locked in epic battles with privateers. I think if we are going to act like thieves, cutthroats, and pirates in various parts of our lives, we should let that sort of ideology flow over and into the rest of our lives, as well.
I don’t know any kids my age who don’t think that stealing is on some level acceptable. I’m not excluded from this group, either. Just to put it out on the table, I steal shit all the time. I don’t shoplift from stores or anything, but I snag things from the dining halls (cups, bowls, extra food), I rip music off of CDs I don’t own, I share music files over the Internet, etc. I’m not necessarily condemning this behavior, either. I just happen to be of the opinion that if you are going to start something, you should go all the way with it. So let’s get our one-shot pistols, our cannons, our sabers, and silly hats and start a trend. No, not even a trend. A revolution.
You have to admit that the life of crime on the high seas has something appealing about it. Aside from the death at the hands of the government, the nights spent on the run, the gangrenous wounds, the starvation, dealing with addictions, scurvy and other forms of malnutrition, storms, and the occasional problems that arise from a boat being full of nothing but men for months at a time, I think the pirate’s life is a perfect one. I say we go back to it. In fact, I demand we go back to it. We’ve taken the first and most important steps; the rest is just petty matters like mastering the rough seas and learning how to run a ship the size of Shapiro Campus center.
I don’t think anyone would particularly object to this sort of thing, either. Just look at the reactions our society has had to recent dirty deeds (done dirt cheap) and shady characters. Martha Stewart? Insider trading. Quite unfair. What’d she get? A few months in jail, a slap on the wrist, and a new television show. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bitch got a book deal or four out of this. Haliburton? Who cares that Dick Cheney is heavily connected to their dealings? The fact that they received top dollar for services in Iraq (which they didn’t have to bid for) MUST be complete coincidence. I can’t believe that anyone in America’s pure, wholesome, honest, and not at all deceitful government would do something so wrong as to illegally give an advantage to a company to which he was inexorably and inextricably bound. Cough. Bullshit! Cough. OJ Simpson? The man STABBED HIS WIFE. Oh, I’m sorry. Allegedly stabbed his wife. What did he get for his crimes? Life in prison? The death penalty? Or an excuse to spend the rest of his life on a golf course “searching for his wife’s killer”?
Yes, society is ready for this. In fact, they are begging for it. Look at how successful Pirates of the Caribbean was in theatres and subsequent video sales. Cutthroat Island would have been equally successful back in the 1990’s, except that movie sucked balls. Geena Davis being cast in the role of the hero didn’t help much either. The woman is not a convincing heroine, in any sense of the word. Anyways, I think deep down, every person in America craves a return to the good old days of scurvy sea dogs, cabin boys, and the inherent and problematic homoerotic innuendo that arises when so many men are lumped together for so long with no women. Like prison, minus the rules, the guards, and hopefully the anal rape.
And parrots. Those are pretty key, when you think about it. I’ve always wanted a parrot, and I think my admiration of pirates has had a lot to do with that. I want a parrot, and I want it to sit on my right shoulder. I would teach it all the standard parrot phrases and stuff, but I’d add a few just to throw people off. I’d teach the bird to comment on how much better I look as a pirate than everyone else did. I’d also teach it to look for fashion don’ts in my enemies and make fun of them. Like if I were up against a naval captain in a sword duel, I’d want the bird to point out that he’s wearing socks with sandals. In the second it takes him to wonder whether or not that really just happened, I’d stab him. Fair? No. Smart thinking? You know you’re real jealous right now. You are sitting in your lounge chair on the top deck of your frigate, saying “SHIT! Why didn’t I think of that?” The answer? I’m much smarter than you. And more handsome. What’s more, I’m ridiculously modest, too.
The hats are a plus, too. Those hats are sexy as shit. You know that every time a pirate captain docked in a port, he got all the ladies. You might say “Well, Eric, that’s because the ‘ladies’ were prostitutes and he paid for them” but you’d be wrong. Really. Don’t argue with me on this one or I’ll maroon you on an island with a pistol that only has one shot. They got all the ladies because the better the hat, the more ladies you get. And pirate captains had the biggest and best hats in town. Damn straight.
So let’s grab those flagons of beer and slam them down in a rowdy drinking song. Let’s shoot aimlessly and wantonly and cause damage to pubs and other establishments. Let’s get in brawls in the street. Let’s loot and pillage and plunder. Let’s mutiny. And
mutiny again the next day just to keep people on their toes. Let’s break every law we can. Let’s hide our booty in skull-shaped caves. It’s simply the next logical step. Avast, me hearties Yo ho!
I don’t know any kids my age who don’t think that stealing is on some level acceptable. I’m not excluded from this group, either. Just to put it out on the table, I steal shit all the time. I don’t shoplift from stores or anything, but I snag things from the dining halls (cups, bowls, extra food), I rip music off of CDs I don’t own, I share music files over the Internet, etc. I’m not necessarily condemning this behavior, either. I just happen to be of the opinion that if you are going to start something, you should go all the way with it. So let’s get our one-shot pistols, our cannons, our sabers, and silly hats and start a trend. No, not even a trend. A revolution.
You have to admit that the life of crime on the high seas has something appealing about it. Aside from the death at the hands of the government, the nights spent on the run, the gangrenous wounds, the starvation, dealing with addictions, scurvy and other forms of malnutrition, storms, and the occasional problems that arise from a boat being full of nothing but men for months at a time, I think the pirate’s life is a perfect one. I say we go back to it. In fact, I demand we go back to it. We’ve taken the first and most important steps; the rest is just petty matters like mastering the rough seas and learning how to run a ship the size of Shapiro Campus center.
I don’t think anyone would particularly object to this sort of thing, either. Just look at the reactions our society has had to recent dirty deeds (done dirt cheap) and shady characters. Martha Stewart? Insider trading. Quite unfair. What’d she get? A few months in jail, a slap on the wrist, and a new television show. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bitch got a book deal or four out of this. Haliburton? Who cares that Dick Cheney is heavily connected to their dealings? The fact that they received top dollar for services in Iraq (which they didn’t have to bid for) MUST be complete coincidence. I can’t believe that anyone in America’s pure, wholesome, honest, and not at all deceitful government would do something so wrong as to illegally give an advantage to a company to which he was inexorably and inextricably bound. Cough. Bullshit! Cough. OJ Simpson? The man STABBED HIS WIFE. Oh, I’m sorry. Allegedly stabbed his wife. What did he get for his crimes? Life in prison? The death penalty? Or an excuse to spend the rest of his life on a golf course “searching for his wife’s killer”?
Yes, society is ready for this. In fact, they are begging for it. Look at how successful Pirates of the Caribbean was in theatres and subsequent video sales. Cutthroat Island would have been equally successful back in the 1990’s, except that movie sucked balls. Geena Davis being cast in the role of the hero didn’t help much either. The woman is not a convincing heroine, in any sense of the word. Anyways, I think deep down, every person in America craves a return to the good old days of scurvy sea dogs, cabin boys, and the inherent and problematic homoerotic innuendo that arises when so many men are lumped together for so long with no women. Like prison, minus the rules, the guards, and hopefully the anal rape.
And parrots. Those are pretty key, when you think about it. I’ve always wanted a parrot, and I think my admiration of pirates has had a lot to do with that. I want a parrot, and I want it to sit on my right shoulder. I would teach it all the standard parrot phrases and stuff, but I’d add a few just to throw people off. I’d teach the bird to comment on how much better I look as a pirate than everyone else did. I’d also teach it to look for fashion don’ts in my enemies and make fun of them. Like if I were up against a naval captain in a sword duel, I’d want the bird to point out that he’s wearing socks with sandals. In the second it takes him to wonder whether or not that really just happened, I’d stab him. Fair? No. Smart thinking? You know you’re real jealous right now. You are sitting in your lounge chair on the top deck of your frigate, saying “SHIT! Why didn’t I think of that?” The answer? I’m much smarter than you. And more handsome. What’s more, I’m ridiculously modest, too.
The hats are a plus, too. Those hats are sexy as shit. You know that every time a pirate captain docked in a port, he got all the ladies. You might say “Well, Eric, that’s because the ‘ladies’ were prostitutes and he paid for them” but you’d be wrong. Really. Don’t argue with me on this one or I’ll maroon you on an island with a pistol that only has one shot. They got all the ladies because the better the hat, the more ladies you get. And pirate captains had the biggest and best hats in town. Damn straight.
So let’s grab those flagons of beer and slam them down in a rowdy drinking song. Let’s shoot aimlessly and wantonly and cause damage to pubs and other establishments. Let’s get in brawls in the street. Let’s loot and pillage and plunder. Let’s mutiny. And
mutiny again the next day just to keep people on their toes. Let’s break every law we can. Let’s hide our booty in skull-shaped caves. It’s simply the next logical step. Avast, me hearties Yo ho!