Fan Fic: You Never really Forget
Title: You Never Really Forget
Author: Conjunkie
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Dark memories he had buried a long time ago start resurfacing, turning to Jack, Ianto discovers he isn't the only one fighting inner demons
Spoilers: Slight ones for 2x10 "From out the Rain" and 2x12 "Fragments" in the sense that I use Ianto's backstory which was set up in that episode, in my story.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Russell T Davies and the BBC. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended and no money is being made
Authors Notes: This is set sometime between 2x10 and 2x11. I also want to give a huge thankyou to my two wonderful betas cs_whitewolf & Joulez217 much luv and thanks to you both. Also a big shout out to the cheerleading quad ladies you know who you are and I couldn't have done it without you......
Ianto sat on the battered sofa in the hub; his hands were resting gently on his knees lost in contemplation. He looked troubled as he stared out across the hub seemingly at nothing. Ianto was so absorbed in whatever was worrying him that he didn’t even notice Jack approach him. A look of concern flashed across the Captain’s face as he took in the stiff posture of his young lover. Jack moved quietly towards the sofa; he didn't want to startle Ianto, who remained unaware of his presence, until Jack's deft fingers carded through his hair. Jack caressed Ianto’s neck softly, leaning down and kissing his forehead offering whatever comfort he could.
“Give you a penny for them.” Jack murmured softly.
Ianto looked up into infinite blue eyes, swallowed whole by the sea of emotions in their depths. A ghost of a smile flickered across Ianto’s face but didn’t reach his eyes, which still held the haunted expression. Jack cupped Ianto’s cheek moving his thumb in a soothing motion along the brunette’s jaw line.
“What is it Yan? What wrong? You know you can tell me anything, I hate seeing you like this, please talk to me.” Jack pleaded earnestly.
The silence hanging around the hub was like a shroud, it was almost uncomfortable, for the longest time Jack thought Ianto would remain silent. Then suddenly he spoke in a quiet voice his accent thickened by emotion.
“They say we’re the lucky ones, because we survived the battle, it’s a joke Jack.” Ianto argued bitterly he closed his eyes and continued.
“I can still smell their burning flesh, still taste ash and molten metal in my mouth, I close my eyes and all I can hear is their screams, and they won’t stop Jack. I see my friends screaming engulfed in flames, Lisa begging me to stop the pain, and it hurts, it just hurts so much.” Ianto swipes angrily at the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
Jack eased himself down onto the sofa next to Ianto and rested an arm on the back cushion, Ianto’s head nestled on Jack’s shoulder and the Captain enveloped him in his arms protectively.
“I sometimes think it would have been better for everyone if I’d died at Canary wharf. Then it would be over, it‘s never going to be over for me.”
The words spoken are muffled in Jack’s shirt and he struggled to understand what Ianto was trying to say. When he realised exactly what Ianto was implying Jack was stunned. His grip on his arm tightened fearful of letting go, his fingers lifted Ianto‘s chin seeking the truth in his eyes.
“Hey, no, you don’t get to think like that, I won’t allow it.” Jack insisted vehemently his voice raw with unspoken emotion.
“Tanizaki, that poor pizza girl Annie, so young, so innocent, she‘d barely lived her life, their both dead because of me.” Ianto replied his voice tinged with guilt.
Jack tried to speak, tried to argue, but Ianto put his finger to the Captain’s lips, effectively silencing him. Ianto took a steadying breath then rubbed his red rimmed eyes and continued.
“They died because of me Jack, that’s the truth of it; I have to live with that, because I wasn’t strong enough to let Lisa go, they died.” Ianto admitted dejectedly.
Ianto tried to turn his face away from the penetrating gaze Jack was fixing him with, but the man refused to let him look away. Jack’s features softened as he gazed into the depths of Ianto’s eyes. He had to make him understand how wrong that assumption had been.
“You’re wrong you know you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.” Jack insisted quietly.
Ianto started to protest, but Jack mirrored his actions from earlier putting two fingers to Ianto’s lips and Ianto fell silent.
“No, now it’s my turn, you just get to listen, okay.” Jack said softly.
Ianto nodded stiffly against Jack’s hand and he smiled removing his fingers.
“You are one of the bravest men I’ve ever met, you’re a fighter a survivor Ianto, your actions concerning Lisa, however misguided they were showed me that. That took courage and guts, so don’t you tell me you’re not strong enough because I know different.” Jack stated passionately.
Ianto opened his mouth to speak, Jack shook his head broaching no argument, and the Welshman obediently clamped his mouth shut again.
“Oh no you don’t, I’m not done yet.”
Jack entwined their fingers together bringing their hands to his lips and he planted a soft caress to Ianto’s palm.
“I’m not going to lie to you, yes people died because of something you did, but people are alive because of you to, and I for one am glad you didn‘t die at Canary Wharf .”
Jack’s eyes never left Ianto’s beautiful countenance; they held a vulnerability that the captain rarely let anybody see.
When Jack spoke his voice was an awed whisper.
“I’m alive because of you.”
“Jack, your immortal, how can you be alive because of me.” Ianto replied quietly
“There’s existing and then there’s being alive, Yan, when you’ve lived as long as I have you learn to appreciate the difference.”
Ianto felt like all the breath had left his body, at the heartfelt statement. He was still trying to process the deeper meaning behind Jack’s confession, when he realised Jack was still talking.
“It’s you, you keep me grounded, keep me sane, you allow me to fall apart and then you put me back together again. I’m a better man for knowing you.” Jack admitted softly.
“I-I don’t know what to say.” Ianto answered hoarsely, trying to speak around the lump forming in his throat.
“You don’t have to say anything, I just needed you to hear it, there’s so much about me you don’t know, so much I can’t tell, and something’s you‘re better off never knowing." said Jack knowingly.
Ianto gathered his thoughts carefully, he wanted to forget, to bury his memories, needed something else to focus on. He wondered whether Jack, in this rare state of openness, would reveal his secrets, could Ianto break though his walls?
“Where did you go when you left Jack? I know something happened while you were gone, something’s changed you.” Ianto asked carefully.
“For the better I hope.” Jack answered lightly, as he tried to avoid the question.
Ianto sighed, “For the most part yes, but sometimes you get this desolate look in your eyes and it scares me to see it; something bad happened to you.”
“Ianto, remember those things you’re better off not knowing, well this would be one of them.” Jack answered stiffly.
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?" insisted Ianto gently.
“You really want to know?” Jack asked a hint of resignation in his voice.
“Please, Jack.”
Ianto squeezed Jack’s hand trying to offer reassurance. Somehow he’d sensed that this would be a difficult conversation for the Captain. He hoped that Jack trusted him enough to be honest about what had happened.
Jack closed his eyes; when he opened them they were bright with unshed tears. Ianto was startled to realise, that the fearless Jack Harkness was trembling. Ianto suddenly had the feeling he was making a huge mistake. He was about to let Jack know that it was okay that he didn’t really need to know, when Jack started to speak.
“It’s complicated, lets just say I was gone for a lot longer than you all thought I was, time travels funny like that.”
“Go on.” Ianto encouraged softly.
Jack gave Ianto a watery smile and Ianto’s heart constricted at what he saw. There was so much hidden anguish in those eyes; Ianto could so easily loose himself in them. They were one of the reasons he’d fallen so quickly for him.
“I’ve been to the end of the universe, Yan, I’ve died so many times I’ve finally stopped counting.” A single tear slid down Jack’s cheek, he seemed oblivious to it though, as he relived the memories of the Valiant.
“We were captured, taken prisoner by a madman, who knew I couldn’t die. I became his plaything, the freak he could kill a thousand times over, but I’d still come back for more, like I had any choice.” Jack spat bitterly.
Ianto’s heart broke just a little as he heard the bitterness and pain in the voice.
“I’m sorry Jack.”
The captain appeared not to have heard him; Ianto had opened the floodgates of Jack’s torment and the words poured out of his mouth in torrents.
“He was a sadistic bastard; each time I died he’d make it more painful than the last. He’d mess with my head show me things, horrible things trying to convince me they were real. He wanted to break me, wanted me to call him Master. I was chained up deprived of food for days at a time, driven half mad with hunger. It got so bad that I started to pray that the next time he killed me would be the last. Then I’d remember why he couldn’t break me, why I kept on fighting, and it gave me the strength I needed to carry on.”
Jack took a shuddering breath, glanced over at Ianto who had tears streaming down his face. He gently wiped Ianto’s eyes lingering slightly as he caressed his cheek.
“It was you, Ianto, I meant it when I said I came back for you, it took me almost losing you to realise exactly what it was we had.” Jack sighed heavily and continued his explanation “I had to go, I thought he could fix me but he told me I was wrong, when we got back he asked me to go with him, but I couldn’t. All I kept thinking was, I miss Ianto, and I miss my team.”
“I missed you to Jack.” Ianto breathed softly.
Jack gave Ianto a small trace of a smile at his admission and was considerably calmer when he resumed his account.
“When I asked you out on that date I fully expected to get shot down in flames, I wouldn’t have blamed you for hating me. Instead you said yes, gave me a second chance I still can’t quite believe you did that, it was more than I deserved.”
Ianto cupped Jack’s face in his hands and their eyes met with an intensity that left both men finding it harder to breathe. A litany of soft words fell from Ianto’s lips as he addressed the man that he loved.
“I could never hate you, not really, I’ll admit it hurt me that you left, but I understood more than most why you had to go. Are you alright? I shouldn’t have pried, I just wanted to shut the memories out, wanted to forget the pain, god I’m sorry Jack, I wish I had never have asked.”
Ianto’s fingers danced through Jack’s dark hair, feathered over his cheeks, constantly moving, as he bit his bottom lip worriedly. Jack grabbed hold of Ianto’s hands and gently stilled them his thumb tracing small circles on Ianto’s wrist.
“Hey, its okay, we're okay.” Jack promised.
Ianto cast his eyes downwards and watched the thumb swirling over the pulse point on his wrist a shiver of pleasure coursed through his body. When Ianto looked up there was mere inches between them and he could feel Jack’s breath against his cheek.
"Jack," Ianto said in a breathy whisper, as he leaned closer to the immortal. "Make me forget."
Their lips crashed together like waves breaking on the shore, passion, love and lust ebbed and flowed between them. Tongues caressed battling for dominance and submission as the kiss deepened. When they broke apart their breathing was laboured and a hunger burned deep within their eyes. In a move that the Captain himself would have been proud of Ianto straddled Jack’s hips trapping him between long lithe limbs. He laced his fingers around Jack’s neck pulled the older man towards him, and plundered his mouth again. Jack tugged unceremoniously at Ianto’s shirt desperate to feel warm soft skin beneath his hands.
The pads of Jack’s fingers feathered across Ianto’s taut muscles, and his lover moaned softly into his mouth. Jack revelled in the breathy sounds vibrating against his lips, but it wasn’t nearly enough he needed more. Ianto reluctantly broke free of the kiss the need to breathe outweighing the desire to devour Jack’s mouth. He pulled back catching a glimpse of the man; Jack’s breathing was barely more controlled than his own. His eyes were dark with desire and his heart hammered in his chest. It still amazed Ianto that he could reduce Jack to this with just an embrace.
When Jack had composed himself enough to speak his voice was gravel, rough with lust. “I think” he said breathing heavily “we’re wearing” Jack took another lungful of air “too many clothes.”
Ianto nodded not trusting himself to speak. His fingers slipped beneath Jack’s braces sliding them down his strong arms until they hung at his sides. Jack’s hands brushed down underneath Ianto’s shirt clad torso eliciting another soft moan. Ianto was trying to concentrate on divesting the man of his shirt. With his fingers finally free the Captain slowly removed Ianto’s tie and deft fingers made light work of his shirt buttons. Jack captured Ianto’s mouth in another searing passionate embrace. Ianto’s fingers delved into Jack’s dark waves digging into his scalp, skirting the line between pain and pleasure. Jack's hands gripped firmly on the small of Ianto’s naked back moving them tighter together, until heated flesh pressed against heated flesh. The motion caused their burgeoning arousals to rub together with a glorious friction that both men craved. Ianto broke the fervent embrace throwing his head back and moaning incoherently, writhing on Jack’s lap with a wanton abandonment. The older man was lavishing attention on Ianto’s pert bud licking and sucking the stiffening nub. Jack’s tongue painted a slick pattern across his lover’s torso as he focused on caressing Ianto’s other nipple. He flicked his tongue over it, sucked it into his warm moist mouth and teased it to hardness. Ianto’s fingers danced across Jack’s shoulder blades with a feather light touch. They moved downwards across Jack’s ribs and started to play with the captain’s pert buds. Ianto twisted them between his fingers; Jack who was caressing, nibbling and licking the hollow of Ianto’s neck groaned. The sound reverberated against Ianto’s heated flesh sending bolts of pleasure coursing through the younger man’s body. Ianto leaned forwards and breathed huskily into the shell of Jack’s ear.
“I want you Jack, but not here.”
Jack’s lips lifted off of his lover’s neck and murmured, “Bed, now.”
His hot breath ghosted over Ianto’s flesh the brunette shivered at the sensation and started to wriggle backwards off of Jack’s lap. He knew if he didn’t move anytime soon they’d have sex right there on the couch. Ianto made it gingerly to his feet and extended his hand to Jack; he took Ianto's outstretched hand and pulled himself upright. The movement jerked Ianto forwards and they found themselves pressed tightly together. Jack’s heart beat a rapid rhythm against his chest. Ianto could feel Jack's erection pressing into his thigh straining for release mirroring his own need. Jack’s hot breath ghosted over his cheek, the Captain’s lips were mere inches from his own. Ianto reluctantly stepped out of the embrace; causing a look of confused hurt to flicker briefly across Jack’s face. Ianto entwined their fingers and squeezed the hand he was still holding gently.
“Carry on like that Jack and I’m not going to make it to the bedroom, come on.” Ianto urged.
The younger man turned and led Jack across the hub towards the office. They were almost there when despite Ianto's weak protests Jack insisted on plastering himself against the man's back. Ianto could feel Jack’s hardness rubbing against his buttocks, his mouth nibbling his ear. Jack’s fingers trailed fire down Ianto’s taut muscles gliding over his heated flesh they sank lower until he was cupping Ianto’s erection through the fabric of his trousers. Ianto pressed himself against Jack’s talented fingers and a litany of soft breathy gasps fell from his lips.
“Jack please.” Ianto croaked his voice dripping with need.
The Captain relented in his teasing removing his fingers from Ianto’s arousal grabbing his hand and continuing towards his office. When they eventually made the short distance from the battered sofa to the office Ianto was so close to release he felt like he was on a knife edge. He leaned heavily against Jack’s desk trying to regain some sort of control. The straining member pushing against his trousers was yearning for release, and it was bordering on painful. Jack leant in the doorway to his office and drank in the sight of his lover. Ianto’s eyes were blown black with desire; his lips were swollen from fevered kisses and his breathing ragged. Their eyes locked across the office, the hunger and need Jack saw in their depths took his breath away.
“Jack, please, I need, so close.” Ianto pleaded.
Jack was in front of Ianto in two quick strides his tongue licking a stripe from the hollow of Ianto’s neck through soft bristles and down his stomach, as he sank gracefully to his knees. His fingers shook with need as they unbuckled Ianto’s belt and easing the zipper down, he watched as the trousers pooled around Ianto's ankles. His erection sprang free of its confines hard and leaking and Jack smirked as he realised Ianto was commando. That’s my Ianto, always prepared for anything Jack thought smugly, he wanted to lick, to tease Ianto’s hardened flesh between his lips. Taking one look at Ianto’s ram rod stiff posture, the fingers gripping so tightly to the desk that his knuckles were white, told Jack just how close Ianto was. This was going to be quick and dirty.
Jack engulfed Ianto’s hardened erection in warm moistness as he swallowed him to the root. Ianto bucked up off the desk thinking his legs would buckle beneath him. The only thing holding him upright was the desk and Jack’s hands gripping his thighs. The older man sucked and licked as he bobbed up and down on Ianto’s cock setting a frantic pace. Ianto’s hips thrust forward uncontrollably trying to shove his member further down Jack’s open and willing throat. Ianto was beyond coherent thought now moaning Jack’s name over and over again.
One of the captain’s fingers circling his entrance had him begging “Oh god, Jack, please.”
Ianto felt Jack’s finger breach him and moments later he was coming spilling his seed down Jack's throat calling out Jack’s name. Ianto felt like he was going to fly apart as his orgasm ripped through him. Jack sucked greedily lapping up every last drop of Ianto’s essence like a man starved. Ianto’s softened organ slipped wetly from Jack’s mouth. When Jack gazed up at Ianto he looked dazed and sated. He felt himself being pulled into a strong embrace as Ianto lifted him off his knees. Jack’s mouth was captured in a fiery embrace as Ianto pillaged his depths tasting himself and Jack’s unique essence on his tongue. One of Ianto’s hands tracked slowly down Jack’s naked torso finally settling on his straining arousal pressing it with his palm. Jack uttered a guttural groan and Ianto broke free of their caress breathing raggedly. He looked down to where his hand cupped Jack through his fabric confines and gently squeezed. Jack’s erection leapt at Ianto’s ministrations and more harsh moans fell from his lips. Jack was harder than granite it took all the older man's self control not to come there and then. Ianto’s eyes tracked back up Jack’s naked torso to his face which was a mask of concentration.
“You need any help with this?” Ianto asked playfully a smirk colouring his voice as he lightly palmed Jack’s cock.
“While the idea of bending you over my desk and fucking you into the middle of next week, really turns me on, it’s not what I want, not tonight," insisted Jack breathlessly.
A frisson of pleasure surged through Ianto’s body and he trembled in Jack's arms. The Captain carefully removed Ianto’s questing fingers and placed them on his hip.
“I can wait, please Yan.”
He placed a chaste kiss on Ianto’s cheek then escaped their embrace heading towards the ladder leading down to his quarters. Ianto watched as Jack descended through the hatch then quickly tugged his trousers up and fastened them loosely. When Ianto descended the ladder minutes later the room was bathed in a soft glow. Jack stood a few feet away the subtle luminescence casting shadows across his body. Ianto gave Jack a soft smile as he walk towards him.
“So what is it that you want Jack?” Ianto asked huskily.
“You, naked, writhing beneath me as I thrust into you slow and deep, I want you to feel me buried so far inside you, you don’t know where you stop and I begin. I want to make you come so hard you’ll forget what day of the week it is.”
Ianto stuttered to a halt and swallowed hard, his head swam with the images evoked by Jack’s declaration. They played out in front of his eyes in glorious Technicolor leaving Ianto’s heart thundering in his chest his mouth dry.
“I think that can be arranged.” Ianto breathed passionately finally finding his voice.
Jack smiled tenderly at the young man stood before him; his fingers gripping the waistband of Ianto’s trousers and pulling him into a strong embrace. Ianto draped his fine boned fingers around the Captain’s neck. He drew their bodies closer together until their breaths mingled ghosting against each other’s skin. Jack captured Ianto’s mouth in a slow passionate kiss, immersing himself in the lingering caress. Their tongues danced together caressing and devouring as they mapped out the contours of each others depths, seeking out each unique flavour. Without breaking their ardent embrace Jack’s talented fingers unbuttoned Ianto's trousers then pulled the zipper down slowly. They slipped gracefully down Ianto's long lithe limbs and pooled softly at his feet. Ianto’s deft fingers feathered over Jack’s shoulder blades down his biceps brushing over firm muscles. Finally they reached there goal, and it didn’t take Ianto long to release the straining cock from its confines. Jack groaned softly into Ianto’s mouth as his erection sprang free.
They broke apart breathlessly Jack's forehead rested gently against Ianto’s as they breathed heavily. Jack started removing the remainder of his clothing and Ianto quickly followed suit, till both men were naked and yearning. Jack took Ianto’s hand entwining their fingers and led him towards the small bed. Jack laid Ianto gently down onto the bed easing himself on top of his lover, until every inch of their bodies touched. He placed soft caresses to Ianto’s forehead and each cheek finally descending to Ianto’s beautifully kiss swollen lips, hungrily devouring them in a demanding embrace. Ianto’s nails skated over Jack’s spine drawing lines down his back, sending shivers of pleasure through Jack’s body. Jack's lips trailed burning kisses down Ianto’s jaw, across his elegant neck and over his collarbone mapping out every inch of flesh. Ianto’s hands gripped Jack’s buttocks massaging the mounds beneath his palms. Jack’s pleasure soaked groan reverberated against his skin. Jack’s lips and tongue painted patterns over the canvas laid out before him and Ianto’s soft breathy moans coloured the air.
Jack straddled Ianto’s hips and gazed down at his lover. Ianto’s blue eyes were blown completely black and burning with desire. Jack reached over, opened the top drawer of the small bedside cabinet and removed the tube of lube and a condom placing them on the bed beside him.
“Turn over.” Jack ordered huskily.
Jack raised himself to his knees so Ianto could roll onto his stomach. Ianto turned over pillowing his head in his arms. The Captain traced the ridges of Ianto’s spine with the pads of his fingers; his tongue licking a path down the taut muscles of Ianto’s back. A flurry of whimpers and moans escaped Ianto’s lips as he lost himself in the sensations. Jack firmly gripped Ianto’s pert buttocks spreading them apart. His tongue licked wetly down the cleft and over Ianto’s puckered hole and back again. Ianto’s hips bucked off the bed as Jack’s tongue explored. It circled Ianto’s entrance the tip delving into the velvet heat, Ianto was writhing and moaning beneath him. He rubbed his erection against the sheet underneath him desperate for the friction to ease his burning need. Jack's hot breath blew over Ianto’s entrance and his tongue swiped over the puckered hole one final time. Jack sat up and Ianto whimpered at the loss. Jack grabbed the tube of lube and squirted a liberal amount onto his fingers. The tip of his index finger circled Ianto’s entrance then teased its way inside his passage. Ianto’s head lifted off his arms and he glanced over his shoulder. He watched as Jack stretched and prepared him, loosening the tight muscle.
“More Jack, please.”
A second finger joined the first scissoring and stretching him. Deft fingers manipulated his passage finding and brushing Ianto’s sweet spot. Ianto’s hips rose of the bed thrusting backwards onto Jack’s questing fingers trying to force them further inside him. He’d been reduced to babbling incoherency, his head flopped back onto his arms and his body writhed wantonly. Jack revelled in the sounds Ianto was making. The tight heat gripping his fingers sent frissons of desire coursing through Jack’s body, he needed to bury himself in that heat. He inserted a third finger wanting to be sure Ianto was fully prepared. Stretching and scissoring he relentlessly hit Ianto’s prostrate until he was sure Ianto was ready for his engorged cock. Jack removed his fingers and Ianto whimpered feeling empty and bereft. Jack poured a generous amount of lube into his hand and spread it over his erection. He found the condom and sheathed his cock. Jack positioned himself at Ianto’s entrance and was about to press forwards when he hesitated.
“For god sake Jack, just do it.” Ianto tossed over his shoulder impatiently.
Jack shook his head “Not like this, I want to see your face when you come.”
“Fine, but if you don’t do something soon I will not be responsible for my actions.” Ianto huffed.
Jack gently rolled Ianto onto his back lifted his legs up resting them on his shoulders and then repositioned himself.
“Better?”
“Oh much, now bloody get on with it.”
In several swift thrusts Jack was buried balls deep inside Ianto’s velvet heat. Ianto’s fingers gripped the sheets tightly.
“Now move.”
Jack pulled almost all the way out and eased back in, slow and deep just like he’d promised. A veil of perspiration glistened over Jack’s skin. It took all his will but he managed to keep up an agonisingly slow rhythm, angling to hit Ianto’s prostrate with every penetrating thrust. As Jack pulled out Ianto thrust backwards impaling himself on Jack’s cock. He lifted off the bed pulling Jack into a scorching passionate embrace, swallowing all the gasps and moans that had filled the air. Jack’s control faltered and his pace quickened until they were completely lost in one another. Jack broke free of the searing kiss throwing his head back and arching his back as he pummelled frantically into his lover’s body. His eyes raked over Ianto’s body as he writhed beneath him. His eyes rolled back in his head, his mouth hung open and his flesh was covered in sheen of sweat. Ianto was on the edge of release and Jack thought he looked beautiful. Jack felt Ianto’s muscles convulsing around his organ and then Ianto was coming screaming out Jack’s name. Jack watches as Ianto’s orgasm ripples through him and he’s spurting rivulets of white cream over his chest. Jack thrusts once twice more and then he’s following Ianto into oblivion, shattering apart as his orgasm crashes through him like a tidal wave.
Sated and boneless he collapses on top of Ianto. Finally Jack slowly pulled out of Ianto and flopped exhausted onto the bed, needing to catch his breath. He sat up slowly slid off the bunk and walked over to the small bathroom. He discarded the condom and grabbed a wash cloth. Jack reached the bed and sat down, just as Ianto was returning to the land of the living. A blissful smile graced his face, the one that he always wore after mind blowing sex with Jack. It looked good on him he thought smugly.
He smiled tenderly down at Ianto and gently cleaned them both with the cloth. He threw the flannel on the floor, and smiled when he caught Ianto rolling his eyes. Jack moved back onto the bed and Ianto snuggled into Jack’s side pillowing his head on his shoulder. Jack wrapped his arms loosely around him, his fingers stroking up and down Ianto’s arm lazily as they lay together basking in the afterglow.
It was sometime later when Jack's thoughts circled back towards what he had witnessed earlier that night. It had troubled Jack greatly watching the man lying next to him becoming so distraught. He had so many questions he wanted to ask Ianto needing to know just what had brought on his distress. The words stuck in Jack’s throat as he wondered whether this was the time or the place. Ianto had practically begged Jack to make him forget, would making him remember now be such a good idea?
Ianto sensed the tension rising in Jack’s body. He knew the Captain had been concerned and would want to know what was going on inside his head. Ianto had been grateful for the distraction. The mind blowing sex wasn’t bad either, Ianto thought dryly. He turned onto his side facing Jack his elbow pressed against the sheets as he rested his head on his hand. Ianto wanted to tell Jack, he needed to tell him, it was time.
“I know you want to ask me, go ahead its okay, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, please just ask me.”
“Okay, so why were you so upset earlier? I know it’s got something to do with Canary Wharf,
I just haven’t figured out what yet.”
“Very astute Jack, Canary wharf cost me so much, I lost my job, my stability and my sense of purpose, Lisa and my best friend.”
“I’m sorry.”
“His name was Thomas, I was his junior researcher he was older than me, took me under his wing. Thomas showed me the ropes; he even introduced me to Lisa. I had so much to thank him for.”
“So he died in the battle?” Jack asked quietly.
“Oh no, he didn’t die, he survived just like me. Thomas lost his partner and his brother in the battle; he wasn’t quite the same after that.” Ianto said quietly.
Jack shifted in the bed so his position mirrored Ianto’s the fingers of his free hand stroked soothingly down Ianto’s thigh.
“So what happened to him?” Jack coaxed softly.
“Thomas had seen too much death and destruction, he wanted out. He didn’t want to relocate to Torchwood two and Torchwood three had severed all ties with London.” Ianto answered mater of fact
There was no accusation in his voice but it didn’t stop Jack from flinching.
“I don’t blame you; in your shoes I’d have probably done the same.”
“So what did you do?” Jack asked.
“He begged me to help him get out, so I Retconned him. I gave him a new life story set him up in a small flat in Cardiff. Somewhere I could keep an eye on him. It meant losing my best friend, but it was the least I could do. I thought I’d set him free.”
Jack was momentarily stunned into silence; he gazed at Ianto who had tears falling from his eyes staining his cheeks. Jack’s fingers brushed gently at Ianto’s cheeks wiping them away. Ianto forced a watery smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. He swallowed around the lump forming in his throat and continued his tale.
“You see Lisa wasn’t the only reason why I was desperate for a job at Torchwood three. I needed the equipment you took from Canary Wharf, but I also wanted a stable base from which to monitor Thomas." Ianto uttered his voice tinged with guilt.
Jack just listened he had long since forgiven Ianto for his misdemeanours, it was water under the bridge, old news, forgotten.
“So what went wrong?” Jack asked out of the blue.
“Everything was fine at first, I knew it was too dangerous to talk to him, but I had to know he was okay. It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t remember me; I just had to see him.” Ianto stated softly.
“Go on,”
“I’d programmed his new life; I hoped that by knowing who he was supposed to be I’d avoid revealing who he really was.” Ianto sighed heavily and closed his eyes. “I was selfish, I was fighting a losing battle trying to save Lisa, I just wanted my friend back, and I had missed him so much. So every month or so, I started dropping round for coffee. We’d talk about the weather, the rugby nothing important, it was nice.”
A small smile flickered across Ianto’s face as he relived the memory then it faded almost instantly.
When Ianto spoke again his voice was strained. “When Thomas told me about the nightmares I blamed myself, I stopped going to see him. My guilt ate away at me; I couldn’t leave him to deal with them on his own. I had to help him this was my fault, so I went back to the flat.”
“What did you tell him Ianto?” Jack asked worriedly.
Ianto laughed but there was no humour in it, his eyes darkened and his expression hardened. When he spoke his voice was laced with bitterness.
“I told him nothing, I never got the chance I was too late. When I returned to the flat the landlord told me Thomas had been hearing voices in his head, seeing things that weren’t there, that he’d been having violent nightmares. He said he’d had a complete psychotic breakdown and two nights ago had been admitted to Providence Park.”
The pieces of the puzzle were starting to fit into to place for Jack. He remembered Ianto’s reaction at the mention of the psychiatric hospital during their last mission. Jack had been confused by it but now it made perfect sense.
“I’m so sorry.”
Jack knew the words were inadequate but he didn’t know what else to say. When Ianto spoke his voice was cracked and broken and barely louder than a whisper.
“I tried to visit him once; I stood in that room trying to find my friend in the shell that was lying in the bed in front of me. There was no hint of recognition in his eyes. They just stared up at the ceiling looking for shadows that weren’t there.”
Ianto closed his eyes as bitter tears threatened to fall but he steadfastly refused to cry. Jack stroked Ianto’s hip tenderly offering whatever comfort he could urging the younger man to continue. Ianto opened his blue eyes which were bright with unshed tears.
“After that I couldn’t visit again, it was like losing him all over again. I vowed I’d never set foot in Providence park again. Two weeks later I found out a staff nurse had found him hanging from the light fixture. As you can imagine I really don’t have fond memories of that place.” Ianto finished quietly.
“So going back there must have been really hard, why did you do it Ianto?” Jack asked puzzled.
“Closure, I thought it would give me closure, instead I think it brought all my buried memories to the surface.” Ianto replied.
“I’m sorry if I’d have known.”
Ianto’s fingers covered Jack’s mouth halting his words. Ianto smiled gently it was the first genuine smile to grace his face since he started telling his tale.
“I know, I’m fine, really, this was something I needed to do. I’m glad I told you, I think I may finally be able to gain some closure.” Ianto insisted gently.
“Good, I’m glad.”
Ianto sat up suddenly and pulled Jack into a tight embrace. Jack’s fingers gliding up and down his back soothingly. Ianto placed a chaste kiss onto Jack’s cheek leaned in and breathed into the shell of his ear.
“Thank you, Jack.”
“What for Ianto?” Jack asked.
“For giving me a purpose, now I know I have something worth fighting for.” Ianto answered with conviction.
Jack’s grip on Ianto tightened as he was overcome with emotion at that simple declaration.
“No, thank you.” Jack affirmed softly.
“Why, what did I do?” Ianto queried.
“You gave me a second chance, you never judged me and you’re always there for me.”
“Of course I did, I’d do all that and more, I love you, Jack.” Ianto admitted tenderly.
“I know.” Jack breathed in an awed whisper.
Jack captured Ianto’s mouth in a lingering embrace when they broke apart Jack grinned at Ianto.
“Still haven’t figured out why though.” he joked.
“Well there are days when I wonder the same thing myself.” Ianto quipped softening his words with a warm smile.
Jack’s expression turned serious his fingers ghosted slowly over Ianto’s cheek.
“I wish I could give you what you wanted, you deserve more than this, Ianto. You deserve to be happy.”
“I am happy Jack, what we have doesn’t need defining. I don’t want hearts and flowers, everything I want, everything I need its right here in front of me.” Ianto declared passionately.
Jack hugged Ianto to his chest his hands splayed out across the small of his back. Jack kissed his forehead softly.
“How the hell did I get so lucky? I don’t deserve you; you’re one of a kind Ianto Jones.”
Ianto looked up into Jack’s eyes, smiling that soft secret smile only Jack got to see. He loved these secret moments of intimacy they shared they meant the world to him.
“You’re not so bad yourself, Jack.” Ianto replied seductively.
“Alright, you win I’m fabulous and so are you, deal.” Jack grinned.
“Okay, Deal.” Ianto agreed laughing.
Jack smiled softy loosening his grip on his lover, who gazed up at him with tired eyes.
“Come on, let’s get some sleep, you look exhausted.”
Ianto nodded shifting on the bed until he was lying on his side. Jack managed to tug the cover loose and draped it over them before spooning up behind Ianto. Jack’s arm draped protectively across his chest and a well muscled leg was pressed in between his lithe limbs. Ianto snuggled further into Jack as he tussled with the cover. Jack kissed Ianto’s cheek then settled his head on the pillow. He waited until Ianto’s soft breathing had evened out, a tail tell sign that he’d drifted off to sleep before opening his heart. Words he had kept secret, words he couldn’t say spilled from his lips, out into the soft muted glow of his quarters.
“I’m a coward, I could never say this to your face, and I hope someday you’ll understand why. I have to protect not only your heart but mine. I care about you, more than you can ever know. I can’t die; I can’t give you forever, even if I wanted to. Sooner or later, and I’m praying to a god I don’t believe in that it’s later I’m going to have to watch you die, and it is going to kill me.”
The words stuck in Jack’s throat and he swallowed around his rising emotions and continued. “You have my heart, well as much of it as I can afford to give, you always have, you always will. I just wish I could make you see this is so much more than just sex for me. I wish you knew just how much you mean to me.”
Jack sighed softly he nestled his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. He pulled his sleeping lover tightly against him burying his nose in the dark waves of Ianto's hair. He drew comfort from the familiar smell of Ianto's lightly scented shampoo breathing deeply Jack fell into a dreamless sleep. He didn't notice the single tear sliding down Ianto’s cheek or the warm smile that graced his face. “Oh I know, Jack, I know.” Ianto whispered into the half light and slowly drifted back to sleep.
Author: Conjunkie
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Dark memories he had buried a long time ago start resurfacing, turning to Jack, Ianto discovers he isn't the only one fighting inner demons
Spoilers: Slight ones for 2x10 "From out the Rain" and 2x12 "Fragments" in the sense that I use Ianto's backstory which was set up in that episode, in my story.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Russell T Davies and the BBC. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended and no money is being made
Authors Notes: This is set sometime between 2x10 and 2x11. I also want to give a huge thankyou to my two wonderful betas cs_whitewolf & Joulez217 much luv and thanks to you both. Also a big shout out to the cheerleading quad ladies you know who you are and I couldn't have done it without you......
Ianto sat on the battered sofa in the hub; his hands were resting gently on his knees lost in contemplation. He looked troubled as he stared out across the hub seemingly at nothing. Ianto was so absorbed in whatever was worrying him that he didn’t even notice Jack approach him. A look of concern flashed across the Captain’s face as he took in the stiff posture of his young lover. Jack moved quietly towards the sofa; he didn't want to startle Ianto, who remained unaware of his presence, until Jack's deft fingers carded through his hair. Jack caressed Ianto’s neck softly, leaning down and kissing his forehead offering whatever comfort he could.
“Give you a penny for them.” Jack murmured softly.
Ianto looked up into infinite blue eyes, swallowed whole by the sea of emotions in their depths. A ghost of a smile flickered across Ianto’s face but didn’t reach his eyes, which still held the haunted expression. Jack cupped Ianto’s cheek moving his thumb in a soothing motion along the brunette’s jaw line.
“What is it Yan? What wrong? You know you can tell me anything, I hate seeing you like this, please talk to me.” Jack pleaded earnestly.
The silence hanging around the hub was like a shroud, it was almost uncomfortable, for the longest time Jack thought Ianto would remain silent. Then suddenly he spoke in a quiet voice his accent thickened by emotion.
“They say we’re the lucky ones, because we survived the battle, it’s a joke Jack.” Ianto argued bitterly he closed his eyes and continued.
“I can still smell their burning flesh, still taste ash and molten metal in my mouth, I close my eyes and all I can hear is their screams, and they won’t stop Jack. I see my friends screaming engulfed in flames, Lisa begging me to stop the pain, and it hurts, it just hurts so much.” Ianto swipes angrily at the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
Jack eased himself down onto the sofa next to Ianto and rested an arm on the back cushion, Ianto’s head nestled on Jack’s shoulder and the Captain enveloped him in his arms protectively.
“I sometimes think it would have been better for everyone if I’d died at Canary wharf. Then it would be over, it‘s never going to be over for me.”
The words spoken are muffled in Jack’s shirt and he struggled to understand what Ianto was trying to say. When he realised exactly what Ianto was implying Jack was stunned. His grip on his arm tightened fearful of letting go, his fingers lifted Ianto‘s chin seeking the truth in his eyes.
“Hey, no, you don’t get to think like that, I won’t allow it.” Jack insisted vehemently his voice raw with unspoken emotion.
“Tanizaki, that poor pizza girl Annie, so young, so innocent, she‘d barely lived her life, their both dead because of me.” Ianto replied his voice tinged with guilt.
Jack tried to speak, tried to argue, but Ianto put his finger to the Captain’s lips, effectively silencing him. Ianto took a steadying breath then rubbed his red rimmed eyes and continued.
“They died because of me Jack, that’s the truth of it; I have to live with that, because I wasn’t strong enough to let Lisa go, they died.” Ianto admitted dejectedly.
Ianto tried to turn his face away from the penetrating gaze Jack was fixing him with, but the man refused to let him look away. Jack’s features softened as he gazed into the depths of Ianto’s eyes. He had to make him understand how wrong that assumption had been.
“You’re wrong you know you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.” Jack insisted quietly.
Ianto started to protest, but Jack mirrored his actions from earlier putting two fingers to Ianto’s lips and Ianto fell silent.
“No, now it’s my turn, you just get to listen, okay.” Jack said softly.
Ianto nodded stiffly against Jack’s hand and he smiled removing his fingers.
“You are one of the bravest men I’ve ever met, you’re a fighter a survivor Ianto, your actions concerning Lisa, however misguided they were showed me that. That took courage and guts, so don’t you tell me you’re not strong enough because I know different.” Jack stated passionately.
Ianto opened his mouth to speak, Jack shook his head broaching no argument, and the Welshman obediently clamped his mouth shut again.
“Oh no you don’t, I’m not done yet.”
Jack entwined their fingers together bringing their hands to his lips and he planted a soft caress to Ianto’s palm.
“I’m not going to lie to you, yes people died because of something you did, but people are alive because of you to, and I for one am glad you didn‘t die at Canary Wharf .”
Jack’s eyes never left Ianto’s beautiful countenance; they held a vulnerability that the captain rarely let anybody see.
When Jack spoke his voice was an awed whisper.
“I’m alive because of you.”
“Jack, your immortal, how can you be alive because of me.” Ianto replied quietly
“There’s existing and then there’s being alive, Yan, when you’ve lived as long as I have you learn to appreciate the difference.”
Ianto felt like all the breath had left his body, at the heartfelt statement. He was still trying to process the deeper meaning behind Jack’s confession, when he realised Jack was still talking.
“It’s you, you keep me grounded, keep me sane, you allow me to fall apart and then you put me back together again. I’m a better man for knowing you.” Jack admitted softly.
“I-I don’t know what to say.” Ianto answered hoarsely, trying to speak around the lump forming in his throat.
“You don’t have to say anything, I just needed you to hear it, there’s so much about me you don’t know, so much I can’t tell, and something’s you‘re better off never knowing." said Jack knowingly.
Ianto gathered his thoughts carefully, he wanted to forget, to bury his memories, needed something else to focus on. He wondered whether Jack, in this rare state of openness, would reveal his secrets, could Ianto break though his walls?
“Where did you go when you left Jack? I know something happened while you were gone, something’s changed you.” Ianto asked carefully.
“For the better I hope.” Jack answered lightly, as he tried to avoid the question.
Ianto sighed, “For the most part yes, but sometimes you get this desolate look in your eyes and it scares me to see it; something bad happened to you.”
“Ianto, remember those things you’re better off not knowing, well this would be one of them.” Jack answered stiffly.
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?" insisted Ianto gently.
“You really want to know?” Jack asked a hint of resignation in his voice.
“Please, Jack.”
Ianto squeezed Jack’s hand trying to offer reassurance. Somehow he’d sensed that this would be a difficult conversation for the Captain. He hoped that Jack trusted him enough to be honest about what had happened.
Jack closed his eyes; when he opened them they were bright with unshed tears. Ianto was startled to realise, that the fearless Jack Harkness was trembling. Ianto suddenly had the feeling he was making a huge mistake. He was about to let Jack know that it was okay that he didn’t really need to know, when Jack started to speak.
“It’s complicated, lets just say I was gone for a lot longer than you all thought I was, time travels funny like that.”
“Go on.” Ianto encouraged softly.
Jack gave Ianto a watery smile and Ianto’s heart constricted at what he saw. There was so much hidden anguish in those eyes; Ianto could so easily loose himself in them. They were one of the reasons he’d fallen so quickly for him.
“I’ve been to the end of the universe, Yan, I’ve died so many times I’ve finally stopped counting.” A single tear slid down Jack’s cheek, he seemed oblivious to it though, as he relived the memories of the Valiant.
“We were captured, taken prisoner by a madman, who knew I couldn’t die. I became his plaything, the freak he could kill a thousand times over, but I’d still come back for more, like I had any choice.” Jack spat bitterly.
Ianto’s heart broke just a little as he heard the bitterness and pain in the voice.
“I’m sorry Jack.”
The captain appeared not to have heard him; Ianto had opened the floodgates of Jack’s torment and the words poured out of his mouth in torrents.
“He was a sadistic bastard; each time I died he’d make it more painful than the last. He’d mess with my head show me things, horrible things trying to convince me they were real. He wanted to break me, wanted me to call him Master. I was chained up deprived of food for days at a time, driven half mad with hunger. It got so bad that I started to pray that the next time he killed me would be the last. Then I’d remember why he couldn’t break me, why I kept on fighting, and it gave me the strength I needed to carry on.”
Jack took a shuddering breath, glanced over at Ianto who had tears streaming down his face. He gently wiped Ianto’s eyes lingering slightly as he caressed his cheek.
“It was you, Ianto, I meant it when I said I came back for you, it took me almost losing you to realise exactly what it was we had.” Jack sighed heavily and continued his explanation “I had to go, I thought he could fix me but he told me I was wrong, when we got back he asked me to go with him, but I couldn’t. All I kept thinking was, I miss Ianto, and I miss my team.”
“I missed you to Jack.” Ianto breathed softly.
Jack gave Ianto a small trace of a smile at his admission and was considerably calmer when he resumed his account.
“When I asked you out on that date I fully expected to get shot down in flames, I wouldn’t have blamed you for hating me. Instead you said yes, gave me a second chance I still can’t quite believe you did that, it was more than I deserved.”
Ianto cupped Jack’s face in his hands and their eyes met with an intensity that left both men finding it harder to breathe. A litany of soft words fell from Ianto’s lips as he addressed the man that he loved.
“I could never hate you, not really, I’ll admit it hurt me that you left, but I understood more than most why you had to go. Are you alright? I shouldn’t have pried, I just wanted to shut the memories out, wanted to forget the pain, god I’m sorry Jack, I wish I had never have asked.”
Ianto’s fingers danced through Jack’s dark hair, feathered over his cheeks, constantly moving, as he bit his bottom lip worriedly. Jack grabbed hold of Ianto’s hands and gently stilled them his thumb tracing small circles on Ianto’s wrist.
“Hey, its okay, we're okay.” Jack promised.
Ianto cast his eyes downwards and watched the thumb swirling over the pulse point on his wrist a shiver of pleasure coursed through his body. When Ianto looked up there was mere inches between them and he could feel Jack’s breath against his cheek.
"Jack," Ianto said in a breathy whisper, as he leaned closer to the immortal. "Make me forget."
Their lips crashed together like waves breaking on the shore, passion, love and lust ebbed and flowed between them. Tongues caressed battling for dominance and submission as the kiss deepened. When they broke apart their breathing was laboured and a hunger burned deep within their eyes. In a move that the Captain himself would have been proud of Ianto straddled Jack’s hips trapping him between long lithe limbs. He laced his fingers around Jack’s neck pulled the older man towards him, and plundered his mouth again. Jack tugged unceremoniously at Ianto’s shirt desperate to feel warm soft skin beneath his hands.
The pads of Jack’s fingers feathered across Ianto’s taut muscles, and his lover moaned softly into his mouth. Jack revelled in the breathy sounds vibrating against his lips, but it wasn’t nearly enough he needed more. Ianto reluctantly broke free of the kiss the need to breathe outweighing the desire to devour Jack’s mouth. He pulled back catching a glimpse of the man; Jack’s breathing was barely more controlled than his own. His eyes were dark with desire and his heart hammered in his chest. It still amazed Ianto that he could reduce Jack to this with just an embrace.
When Jack had composed himself enough to speak his voice was gravel, rough with lust. “I think” he said breathing heavily “we’re wearing” Jack took another lungful of air “too many clothes.”
Ianto nodded not trusting himself to speak. His fingers slipped beneath Jack’s braces sliding them down his strong arms until they hung at his sides. Jack’s hands brushed down underneath Ianto’s shirt clad torso eliciting another soft moan. Ianto was trying to concentrate on divesting the man of his shirt. With his fingers finally free the Captain slowly removed Ianto’s tie and deft fingers made light work of his shirt buttons. Jack captured Ianto’s mouth in another searing passionate embrace. Ianto’s fingers delved into Jack’s dark waves digging into his scalp, skirting the line between pain and pleasure. Jack's hands gripped firmly on the small of Ianto’s naked back moving them tighter together, until heated flesh pressed against heated flesh. The motion caused their burgeoning arousals to rub together with a glorious friction that both men craved. Ianto broke the fervent embrace throwing his head back and moaning incoherently, writhing on Jack’s lap with a wanton abandonment. The older man was lavishing attention on Ianto’s pert bud licking and sucking the stiffening nub. Jack’s tongue painted a slick pattern across his lover’s torso as he focused on caressing Ianto’s other nipple. He flicked his tongue over it, sucked it into his warm moist mouth and teased it to hardness. Ianto’s fingers danced across Jack’s shoulder blades with a feather light touch. They moved downwards across Jack’s ribs and started to play with the captain’s pert buds. Ianto twisted them between his fingers; Jack who was caressing, nibbling and licking the hollow of Ianto’s neck groaned. The sound reverberated against Ianto’s heated flesh sending bolts of pleasure coursing through the younger man’s body. Ianto leaned forwards and breathed huskily into the shell of Jack’s ear.
“I want you Jack, but not here.”
Jack’s lips lifted off of his lover’s neck and murmured, “Bed, now.”
His hot breath ghosted over Ianto’s flesh the brunette shivered at the sensation and started to wriggle backwards off of Jack’s lap. He knew if he didn’t move anytime soon they’d have sex right there on the couch. Ianto made it gingerly to his feet and extended his hand to Jack; he took Ianto's outstretched hand and pulled himself upright. The movement jerked Ianto forwards and they found themselves pressed tightly together. Jack’s heart beat a rapid rhythm against his chest. Ianto could feel Jack's erection pressing into his thigh straining for release mirroring his own need. Jack’s hot breath ghosted over his cheek, the Captain’s lips were mere inches from his own. Ianto reluctantly stepped out of the embrace; causing a look of confused hurt to flicker briefly across Jack’s face. Ianto entwined their fingers and squeezed the hand he was still holding gently.
“Carry on like that Jack and I’m not going to make it to the bedroom, come on.” Ianto urged.
The younger man turned and led Jack across the hub towards the office. They were almost there when despite Ianto's weak protests Jack insisted on plastering himself against the man's back. Ianto could feel Jack’s hardness rubbing against his buttocks, his mouth nibbling his ear. Jack’s fingers trailed fire down Ianto’s taut muscles gliding over his heated flesh they sank lower until he was cupping Ianto’s erection through the fabric of his trousers. Ianto pressed himself against Jack’s talented fingers and a litany of soft breathy gasps fell from his lips.
“Jack please.” Ianto croaked his voice dripping with need.
The Captain relented in his teasing removing his fingers from Ianto’s arousal grabbing his hand and continuing towards his office. When they eventually made the short distance from the battered sofa to the office Ianto was so close to release he felt like he was on a knife edge. He leaned heavily against Jack’s desk trying to regain some sort of control. The straining member pushing against his trousers was yearning for release, and it was bordering on painful. Jack leant in the doorway to his office and drank in the sight of his lover. Ianto’s eyes were blown black with desire; his lips were swollen from fevered kisses and his breathing ragged. Their eyes locked across the office, the hunger and need Jack saw in their depths took his breath away.
“Jack, please, I need, so close.” Ianto pleaded.
Jack was in front of Ianto in two quick strides his tongue licking a stripe from the hollow of Ianto’s neck through soft bristles and down his stomach, as he sank gracefully to his knees. His fingers shook with need as they unbuckled Ianto’s belt and easing the zipper down, he watched as the trousers pooled around Ianto's ankles. His erection sprang free of its confines hard and leaking and Jack smirked as he realised Ianto was commando. That’s my Ianto, always prepared for anything Jack thought smugly, he wanted to lick, to tease Ianto’s hardened flesh between his lips. Taking one look at Ianto’s ram rod stiff posture, the fingers gripping so tightly to the desk that his knuckles were white, told Jack just how close Ianto was. This was going to be quick and dirty.
Jack engulfed Ianto’s hardened erection in warm moistness as he swallowed him to the root. Ianto bucked up off the desk thinking his legs would buckle beneath him. The only thing holding him upright was the desk and Jack’s hands gripping his thighs. The older man sucked and licked as he bobbed up and down on Ianto’s cock setting a frantic pace. Ianto’s hips thrust forward uncontrollably trying to shove his member further down Jack’s open and willing throat. Ianto was beyond coherent thought now moaning Jack’s name over and over again.
One of the captain’s fingers circling his entrance had him begging “Oh god, Jack, please.”
Ianto felt Jack’s finger breach him and moments later he was coming spilling his seed down Jack's throat calling out Jack’s name. Ianto felt like he was going to fly apart as his orgasm ripped through him. Jack sucked greedily lapping up every last drop of Ianto’s essence like a man starved. Ianto’s softened organ slipped wetly from Jack’s mouth. When Jack gazed up at Ianto he looked dazed and sated. He felt himself being pulled into a strong embrace as Ianto lifted him off his knees. Jack’s mouth was captured in a fiery embrace as Ianto pillaged his depths tasting himself and Jack’s unique essence on his tongue. One of Ianto’s hands tracked slowly down Jack’s naked torso finally settling on his straining arousal pressing it with his palm. Jack uttered a guttural groan and Ianto broke free of their caress breathing raggedly. He looked down to where his hand cupped Jack through his fabric confines and gently squeezed. Jack’s erection leapt at Ianto’s ministrations and more harsh moans fell from his lips. Jack was harder than granite it took all the older man's self control not to come there and then. Ianto’s eyes tracked back up Jack’s naked torso to his face which was a mask of concentration.
“You need any help with this?” Ianto asked playfully a smirk colouring his voice as he lightly palmed Jack’s cock.
“While the idea of bending you over my desk and fucking you into the middle of next week, really turns me on, it’s not what I want, not tonight," insisted Jack breathlessly.
A frisson of pleasure surged through Ianto’s body and he trembled in Jack's arms. The Captain carefully removed Ianto’s questing fingers and placed them on his hip.
“I can wait, please Yan.”
He placed a chaste kiss on Ianto’s cheek then escaped their embrace heading towards the ladder leading down to his quarters. Ianto watched as Jack descended through the hatch then quickly tugged his trousers up and fastened them loosely. When Ianto descended the ladder minutes later the room was bathed in a soft glow. Jack stood a few feet away the subtle luminescence casting shadows across his body. Ianto gave Jack a soft smile as he walk towards him.
“So what is it that you want Jack?” Ianto asked huskily.
“You, naked, writhing beneath me as I thrust into you slow and deep, I want you to feel me buried so far inside you, you don’t know where you stop and I begin. I want to make you come so hard you’ll forget what day of the week it is.”
Ianto stuttered to a halt and swallowed hard, his head swam with the images evoked by Jack’s declaration. They played out in front of his eyes in glorious Technicolor leaving Ianto’s heart thundering in his chest his mouth dry.
“I think that can be arranged.” Ianto breathed passionately finally finding his voice.
Jack smiled tenderly at the young man stood before him; his fingers gripping the waistband of Ianto’s trousers and pulling him into a strong embrace. Ianto draped his fine boned fingers around the Captain’s neck. He drew their bodies closer together until their breaths mingled ghosting against each other’s skin. Jack captured Ianto’s mouth in a slow passionate kiss, immersing himself in the lingering caress. Their tongues danced together caressing and devouring as they mapped out the contours of each others depths, seeking out each unique flavour. Without breaking their ardent embrace Jack’s talented fingers unbuttoned Ianto's trousers then pulled the zipper down slowly. They slipped gracefully down Ianto's long lithe limbs and pooled softly at his feet. Ianto’s deft fingers feathered over Jack’s shoulder blades down his biceps brushing over firm muscles. Finally they reached there goal, and it didn’t take Ianto long to release the straining cock from its confines. Jack groaned softly into Ianto’s mouth as his erection sprang free.
They broke apart breathlessly Jack's forehead rested gently against Ianto’s as they breathed heavily. Jack started removing the remainder of his clothing and Ianto quickly followed suit, till both men were naked and yearning. Jack took Ianto’s hand entwining their fingers and led him towards the small bed. Jack laid Ianto gently down onto the bed easing himself on top of his lover, until every inch of their bodies touched. He placed soft caresses to Ianto’s forehead and each cheek finally descending to Ianto’s beautifully kiss swollen lips, hungrily devouring them in a demanding embrace. Ianto’s nails skated over Jack’s spine drawing lines down his back, sending shivers of pleasure through Jack’s body. Jack's lips trailed burning kisses down Ianto’s jaw, across his elegant neck and over his collarbone mapping out every inch of flesh. Ianto’s hands gripped Jack’s buttocks massaging the mounds beneath his palms. Jack’s pleasure soaked groan reverberated against his skin. Jack’s lips and tongue painted patterns over the canvas laid out before him and Ianto’s soft breathy moans coloured the air.
Jack straddled Ianto’s hips and gazed down at his lover. Ianto’s blue eyes were blown completely black and burning with desire. Jack reached over, opened the top drawer of the small bedside cabinet and removed the tube of lube and a condom placing them on the bed beside him.
“Turn over.” Jack ordered huskily.
Jack raised himself to his knees so Ianto could roll onto his stomach. Ianto turned over pillowing his head in his arms. The Captain traced the ridges of Ianto’s spine with the pads of his fingers; his tongue licking a path down the taut muscles of Ianto’s back. A flurry of whimpers and moans escaped Ianto’s lips as he lost himself in the sensations. Jack firmly gripped Ianto’s pert buttocks spreading them apart. His tongue licked wetly down the cleft and over Ianto’s puckered hole and back again. Ianto’s hips bucked off the bed as Jack’s tongue explored. It circled Ianto’s entrance the tip delving into the velvet heat, Ianto was writhing and moaning beneath him. He rubbed his erection against the sheet underneath him desperate for the friction to ease his burning need. Jack's hot breath blew over Ianto’s entrance and his tongue swiped over the puckered hole one final time. Jack sat up and Ianto whimpered at the loss. Jack grabbed the tube of lube and squirted a liberal amount onto his fingers. The tip of his index finger circled Ianto’s entrance then teased its way inside his passage. Ianto’s head lifted off his arms and he glanced over his shoulder. He watched as Jack stretched and prepared him, loosening the tight muscle.
“More Jack, please.”
A second finger joined the first scissoring and stretching him. Deft fingers manipulated his passage finding and brushing Ianto’s sweet spot. Ianto’s hips rose of the bed thrusting backwards onto Jack’s questing fingers trying to force them further inside him. He’d been reduced to babbling incoherency, his head flopped back onto his arms and his body writhed wantonly. Jack revelled in the sounds Ianto was making. The tight heat gripping his fingers sent frissons of desire coursing through Jack’s body, he needed to bury himself in that heat. He inserted a third finger wanting to be sure Ianto was fully prepared. Stretching and scissoring he relentlessly hit Ianto’s prostrate until he was sure Ianto was ready for his engorged cock. Jack removed his fingers and Ianto whimpered feeling empty and bereft. Jack poured a generous amount of lube into his hand and spread it over his erection. He found the condom and sheathed his cock. Jack positioned himself at Ianto’s entrance and was about to press forwards when he hesitated.
“For god sake Jack, just do it.” Ianto tossed over his shoulder impatiently.
Jack shook his head “Not like this, I want to see your face when you come.”
“Fine, but if you don’t do something soon I will not be responsible for my actions.” Ianto huffed.
Jack gently rolled Ianto onto his back lifted his legs up resting them on his shoulders and then repositioned himself.
“Better?”
“Oh much, now bloody get on with it.”
In several swift thrusts Jack was buried balls deep inside Ianto’s velvet heat. Ianto’s fingers gripped the sheets tightly.
“Now move.”
Jack pulled almost all the way out and eased back in, slow and deep just like he’d promised. A veil of perspiration glistened over Jack’s skin. It took all his will but he managed to keep up an agonisingly slow rhythm, angling to hit Ianto’s prostrate with every penetrating thrust. As Jack pulled out Ianto thrust backwards impaling himself on Jack’s cock. He lifted off the bed pulling Jack into a scorching passionate embrace, swallowing all the gasps and moans that had filled the air. Jack’s control faltered and his pace quickened until they were completely lost in one another. Jack broke free of the searing kiss throwing his head back and arching his back as he pummelled frantically into his lover’s body. His eyes raked over Ianto’s body as he writhed beneath him. His eyes rolled back in his head, his mouth hung open and his flesh was covered in sheen of sweat. Ianto was on the edge of release and Jack thought he looked beautiful. Jack felt Ianto’s muscles convulsing around his organ and then Ianto was coming screaming out Jack’s name. Jack watches as Ianto’s orgasm ripples through him and he’s spurting rivulets of white cream over his chest. Jack thrusts once twice more and then he’s following Ianto into oblivion, shattering apart as his orgasm crashes through him like a tidal wave.
Sated and boneless he collapses on top of Ianto. Finally Jack slowly pulled out of Ianto and flopped exhausted onto the bed, needing to catch his breath. He sat up slowly slid off the bunk and walked over to the small bathroom. He discarded the condom and grabbed a wash cloth. Jack reached the bed and sat down, just as Ianto was returning to the land of the living. A blissful smile graced his face, the one that he always wore after mind blowing sex with Jack. It looked good on him he thought smugly.
He smiled tenderly down at Ianto and gently cleaned them both with the cloth. He threw the flannel on the floor, and smiled when he caught Ianto rolling his eyes. Jack moved back onto the bed and Ianto snuggled into Jack’s side pillowing his head on his shoulder. Jack wrapped his arms loosely around him, his fingers stroking up and down Ianto’s arm lazily as they lay together basking in the afterglow.
It was sometime later when Jack's thoughts circled back towards what he had witnessed earlier that night. It had troubled Jack greatly watching the man lying next to him becoming so distraught. He had so many questions he wanted to ask Ianto needing to know just what had brought on his distress. The words stuck in Jack’s throat as he wondered whether this was the time or the place. Ianto had practically begged Jack to make him forget, would making him remember now be such a good idea?
Ianto sensed the tension rising in Jack’s body. He knew the Captain had been concerned and would want to know what was going on inside his head. Ianto had been grateful for the distraction. The mind blowing sex wasn’t bad either, Ianto thought dryly. He turned onto his side facing Jack his elbow pressed against the sheets as he rested his head on his hand. Ianto wanted to tell Jack, he needed to tell him, it was time.
“I know you want to ask me, go ahead its okay, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, please just ask me.”
“Okay, so why were you so upset earlier? I know it’s got something to do with Canary Wharf,
I just haven’t figured out what yet.”
“Very astute Jack, Canary wharf cost me so much, I lost my job, my stability and my sense of purpose, Lisa and my best friend.”
“I’m sorry.”
“His name was Thomas, I was his junior researcher he was older than me, took me under his wing. Thomas showed me the ropes; he even introduced me to Lisa. I had so much to thank him for.”
“So he died in the battle?” Jack asked quietly.
“Oh no, he didn’t die, he survived just like me. Thomas lost his partner and his brother in the battle; he wasn’t quite the same after that.” Ianto said quietly.
Jack shifted in the bed so his position mirrored Ianto’s the fingers of his free hand stroked soothingly down Ianto’s thigh.
“So what happened to him?” Jack coaxed softly.
“Thomas had seen too much death and destruction, he wanted out. He didn’t want to relocate to Torchwood two and Torchwood three had severed all ties with London.” Ianto answered mater of fact
There was no accusation in his voice but it didn’t stop Jack from flinching.
“I don’t blame you; in your shoes I’d have probably done the same.”
“So what did you do?” Jack asked.
“He begged me to help him get out, so I Retconned him. I gave him a new life story set him up in a small flat in Cardiff. Somewhere I could keep an eye on him. It meant losing my best friend, but it was the least I could do. I thought I’d set him free.”
Jack was momentarily stunned into silence; he gazed at Ianto who had tears falling from his eyes staining his cheeks. Jack’s fingers brushed gently at Ianto’s cheeks wiping them away. Ianto forced a watery smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. He swallowed around the lump forming in his throat and continued his tale.
“You see Lisa wasn’t the only reason why I was desperate for a job at Torchwood three. I needed the equipment you took from Canary Wharf, but I also wanted a stable base from which to monitor Thomas." Ianto uttered his voice tinged with guilt.
Jack just listened he had long since forgiven Ianto for his misdemeanours, it was water under the bridge, old news, forgotten.
“So what went wrong?” Jack asked out of the blue.
“Everything was fine at first, I knew it was too dangerous to talk to him, but I had to know he was okay. It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t remember me; I just had to see him.” Ianto stated softly.
“Go on,”
“I’d programmed his new life; I hoped that by knowing who he was supposed to be I’d avoid revealing who he really was.” Ianto sighed heavily and closed his eyes. “I was selfish, I was fighting a losing battle trying to save Lisa, I just wanted my friend back, and I had missed him so much. So every month or so, I started dropping round for coffee. We’d talk about the weather, the rugby nothing important, it was nice.”
A small smile flickered across Ianto’s face as he relived the memory then it faded almost instantly.
When Ianto spoke again his voice was strained. “When Thomas told me about the nightmares I blamed myself, I stopped going to see him. My guilt ate away at me; I couldn’t leave him to deal with them on his own. I had to help him this was my fault, so I went back to the flat.”
“What did you tell him Ianto?” Jack asked worriedly.
Ianto laughed but there was no humour in it, his eyes darkened and his expression hardened. When he spoke his voice was laced with bitterness.
“I told him nothing, I never got the chance I was too late. When I returned to the flat the landlord told me Thomas had been hearing voices in his head, seeing things that weren’t there, that he’d been having violent nightmares. He said he’d had a complete psychotic breakdown and two nights ago had been admitted to Providence Park.”
The pieces of the puzzle were starting to fit into to place for Jack. He remembered Ianto’s reaction at the mention of the psychiatric hospital during their last mission. Jack had been confused by it but now it made perfect sense.
“I’m so sorry.”
Jack knew the words were inadequate but he didn’t know what else to say. When Ianto spoke his voice was cracked and broken and barely louder than a whisper.
“I tried to visit him once; I stood in that room trying to find my friend in the shell that was lying in the bed in front of me. There was no hint of recognition in his eyes. They just stared up at the ceiling looking for shadows that weren’t there.”
Ianto closed his eyes as bitter tears threatened to fall but he steadfastly refused to cry. Jack stroked Ianto’s hip tenderly offering whatever comfort he could urging the younger man to continue. Ianto opened his blue eyes which were bright with unshed tears.
“After that I couldn’t visit again, it was like losing him all over again. I vowed I’d never set foot in Providence park again. Two weeks later I found out a staff nurse had found him hanging from the light fixture. As you can imagine I really don’t have fond memories of that place.” Ianto finished quietly.
“So going back there must have been really hard, why did you do it Ianto?” Jack asked puzzled.
“Closure, I thought it would give me closure, instead I think it brought all my buried memories to the surface.” Ianto replied.
“I’m sorry if I’d have known.”
Ianto’s fingers covered Jack’s mouth halting his words. Ianto smiled gently it was the first genuine smile to grace his face since he started telling his tale.
“I know, I’m fine, really, this was something I needed to do. I’m glad I told you, I think I may finally be able to gain some closure.” Ianto insisted gently.
“Good, I’m glad.”
Ianto sat up suddenly and pulled Jack into a tight embrace. Jack’s fingers gliding up and down his back soothingly. Ianto placed a chaste kiss onto Jack’s cheek leaned in and breathed into the shell of his ear.
“Thank you, Jack.”
“What for Ianto?” Jack asked.
“For giving me a purpose, now I know I have something worth fighting for.” Ianto answered with conviction.
Jack’s grip on Ianto tightened as he was overcome with emotion at that simple declaration.
“No, thank you.” Jack affirmed softly.
“Why, what did I do?” Ianto queried.
“You gave me a second chance, you never judged me and you’re always there for me.”
“Of course I did, I’d do all that and more, I love you, Jack.” Ianto admitted tenderly.
“I know.” Jack breathed in an awed whisper.
Jack captured Ianto’s mouth in a lingering embrace when they broke apart Jack grinned at Ianto.
“Still haven’t figured out why though.” he joked.
“Well there are days when I wonder the same thing myself.” Ianto quipped softening his words with a warm smile.
Jack’s expression turned serious his fingers ghosted slowly over Ianto’s cheek.
“I wish I could give you what you wanted, you deserve more than this, Ianto. You deserve to be happy.”
“I am happy Jack, what we have doesn’t need defining. I don’t want hearts and flowers, everything I want, everything I need its right here in front of me.” Ianto declared passionately.
Jack hugged Ianto to his chest his hands splayed out across the small of his back. Jack kissed his forehead softly.
“How the hell did I get so lucky? I don’t deserve you; you’re one of a kind Ianto Jones.”
Ianto looked up into Jack’s eyes, smiling that soft secret smile only Jack got to see. He loved these secret moments of intimacy they shared they meant the world to him.
“You’re not so bad yourself, Jack.” Ianto replied seductively.
“Alright, you win I’m fabulous and so are you, deal.” Jack grinned.
“Okay, Deal.” Ianto agreed laughing.
Jack smiled softy loosening his grip on his lover, who gazed up at him with tired eyes.
“Come on, let’s get some sleep, you look exhausted.”
Ianto nodded shifting on the bed until he was lying on his side. Jack managed to tug the cover loose and draped it over them before spooning up behind Ianto. Jack’s arm draped protectively across his chest and a well muscled leg was pressed in between his lithe limbs. Ianto snuggled further into Jack as he tussled with the cover. Jack kissed Ianto’s cheek then settled his head on the pillow. He waited until Ianto’s soft breathing had evened out, a tail tell sign that he’d drifted off to sleep before opening his heart. Words he had kept secret, words he couldn’t say spilled from his lips, out into the soft muted glow of his quarters.
“I’m a coward, I could never say this to your face, and I hope someday you’ll understand why. I have to protect not only your heart but mine. I care about you, more than you can ever know. I can’t die; I can’t give you forever, even if I wanted to. Sooner or later, and I’m praying to a god I don’t believe in that it’s later I’m going to have to watch you die, and it is going to kill me.”
The words stuck in Jack’s throat and he swallowed around his rising emotions and continued. “You have my heart, well as much of it as I can afford to give, you always have, you always will. I just wish I could make you see this is so much more than just sex for me. I wish you knew just how much you mean to me.”
Jack sighed softly he nestled his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. He pulled his sleeping lover tightly against him burying his nose in the dark waves of Ianto's hair. He drew comfort from the familiar smell of Ianto's lightly scented shampoo breathing deeply Jack fell into a dreamless sleep. He didn't notice the single tear sliding down Ianto’s cheek or the warm smile that graced his face. “Oh I know, Jack, I know.” Ianto whispered into the half light and slowly drifted back to sleep.