hmm, life-thinkging
Today, I think it finally clicked that I have to start taking more control of my self. I spend too much time at Gabe's house... I like hanging out with my friends, but the environment itself isn't conducive to me, emotionally. I never feel like I'm myself anymore. I don't give myself any private time, I always feel like I'm babysitting, to some extent. I feel like I'm suffering that emotional drain that you can read on parents' faces. The reason why I never wanted to have kids in the first place! Bwah. It's the same feeling I get when I write on livejournal for too long; it's just not really me. It's just become too much putting in work and not enough having fun. It may just be me, but even if that's the case, I need to figure myself out and fill up my brain with good emotions instead of bad ones.
I was watching "Eyes of Fire" and mulling over the way that I've been interacting with media. I realized the other day that I really, really think with my gut, and I can't think straight unless I feel good. I always used marijuana as a way to get into that good, productive feeling, but everyone here seems to just get high and sit around. "I feel good enough." I'm always bored! I'm not doing anything anymore. And it comes through in the way that I just sit patiently through a movie now, like I do with life. I don't engage my feelings, I don't think new thoughts, I just run things through a critical filter, like combing lint. I don't want it. It isn't love, and I know that love is real, and I remember every once in a while that it's all I really care about. So I really ought to start living that way.
I think a certain someone paid me the best compliment of my life last night; just flat out called me a lesbian. But I think I sounded angry, instead of pleasantly flabbergasted, when I asked, "Did you just call me a lesbian?"
I was watching "Eyes of Fire" and mulling over the way that I've been interacting with media. I realized the other day that I really, really think with my gut, and I can't think straight unless I feel good. I always used marijuana as a way to get into that good, productive feeling, but everyone here seems to just get high and sit around. "I feel good enough." I'm always bored! I'm not doing anything anymore. And it comes through in the way that I just sit patiently through a movie now, like I do with life. I don't engage my feelings, I don't think new thoughts, I just run things through a critical filter, like combing lint. I don't want it. It isn't love, and I know that love is real, and I remember every once in a while that it's all I really care about. So I really ought to start living that way.
I think a certain someone paid me the best compliment of my life last night; just flat out called me a lesbian. But I think I sounded angry, instead of pleasantly flabbergasted, when I asked, "Did you just call me a lesbian?"