On saying "I didn't know what to say."
One of those things that adults say and consider completely normal, which always struck me as mean as a child, is: "I didn't know what to say to her [or him]." (Usually because the her or him had experienced or said something tragic, hopeless, or inappropriate.)
When I was a kid, my heart ached for the him or her to whom no one knew what to say. And for a moment, his or her loneliness would shroud me. But then the moment would pass, and I'd run off to where shadows were only underfoot. And eventually, I entered the adolescent world where "not knowing what to say" is a form of power, of designating reputation. "No comment," my girlfriends and I would snort, hiding our incredulous smiles behind our hands.
But now, I realize that my childish instincts were correct. It is cruel to acknowledge that we don't know what to say and then to go no further. Because it is our job, as people, to try and figure out what to say. I'm not advocating some utopia where we always have the right words at the right time. I'm advocating the effort. I'm saying that it is a failure, indeed, not to try.
And, of course, sometimes we will realize that it's best to say nothing at all. But in that case, the expression becomes meaningless.
When I was a kid, my heart ached for the him or her to whom no one knew what to say. And for a moment, his or her loneliness would shroud me. But then the moment would pass, and I'd run off to where shadows were only underfoot. And eventually, I entered the adolescent world where "not knowing what to say" is a form of power, of designating reputation. "No comment," my girlfriends and I would snort, hiding our incredulous smiles behind our hands.
But now, I realize that my childish instincts were correct. It is cruel to acknowledge that we don't know what to say and then to go no further. Because it is our job, as people, to try and figure out what to say. I'm not advocating some utopia where we always have the right words at the right time. I'm advocating the effort. I'm saying that it is a failure, indeed, not to try.
And, of course, sometimes we will realize that it's best to say nothing at all. But in that case, the expression becomes meaningless.