(no subject)
I am so confused right now its fucking insane. I no longer have any clue what i want. i talked to john tonite about a lot, and pretty much ended whats been goin on, i felt like such crap by the end of the conversation. I felt i've been leading him on for months, but that wasn't the plan. i wasn't expecting jeff to tell me he loved me... i wasn't ready to let it go. i tried, i really did, but i can't forget how i feel and untill i do i can't rightfully be with some1 else. its not fair. its wouldn't be right to stay with john when i still had feelings for jeff. i don't wanna hurt him more than i already have. but i want to stay his friend. and idk if he is gunna want to do that. we were friends b4 anything and i hope we can be again. i care a lot about him and i would like to keep in touch. he is a great person and deserves a lot. he deserves better than me, he deserves some1 who knows what they want. i am such a mess right now. i don't even kno where i want to go to school next year. i keep goin back and forth with everything in my mind....there was a lot said tonight that i wasn't expecting. i wasn't ready to have john tell me he fell in love with me. i was not expecting that at all. i knew he cared for me a lot... but i didn't know that one. it makes me feel worse. i mean its a good feeling and all to have some1 love u and say good things about u... but i felt horrible since i couldn't say it back and i kno how much it hurts to have ur love not returned. he does make me happy, but i guess i have come to see its not exactly for the right reasons, he made me happy b/c i wanted him to, b/c it was easy... now that is not to say he isn't a great guy... if i wasn't so hung up on jeff i'd give this another try, its just bad timing i guess. he is the biggest gentleman i kno, he treated me right. and that felt good, and i guess thats what made this so appealing, and i am sorry for what happened. i didn't mean to play with his heart, my goal was never to hurt him. he doesn't deserve it... but i can't change what happened, and i guess the most i can hope is eventually he will remain my friend