(no subject)
Its sad when you fuck up so badly that you lose your best friend. Its been a hard year for me, and i have changed at college, partly in a good way, but more in a bad. I became too selfconscious, to afraid of what everyone else thought. I began to doubt myself and hell i still do. i have come to the point where there are few things i really like about myself anymore. Now i kno that sounds sad and pathetic, but its the truth. i am too worried about other people and what they think of me, to be happy w/ what i think of me. that comes from a lot of things, but mostly i am afraid of rejection. i am afraid to put myself out there and get hurt. if i don't make the effort than its my own fault i am home, my own fault i have nuthing to do, not that someone didn't want to see me. But at the same time i want to be out, i want to feel comfortable enough to have a good time, i want to be happy. i am so tired of being miserable all the time. I am tired of sitting around second guessing everything people do around me. i am too worried that truthfully they don't like me, i think they talk behind my back, i think they are just acting. and thats not fair, i don't want to think that, but i don't know how to change that... but idk... back to the reason for the entry. last night i was supposed to hang out w/ jamie, but i guess she forgot and made other plans w/out telling me. well i got upset about that, and took it that she'd rather see other people than me, and i felt rejected by her. i felt that i wasn't good enough to be included with her friends which kinda was the case, but either way that led to a lot of thinking that i was botteling up insde, and once again i felt not wanted, i felt lonely, i felt depressed. I am getting used to it, b/c when one little thing goes wrong i over react and take it to mean a lot more, and i don't want to do that but right now i can't change it, i can't change how i feel... but either way i was avoiding jamie's calls b/c i didn't want to get into it, esp not when she was drunk, and i also didn't kno how to say it... its easier over a journal. but she showed up and tried to talk to me, and i heard somethings i didn't wanna listen to and over reacted, i yelled at her and kicked her out of my house. i never should've taken it that far, but i was frustrated. i wanted her to understand. i wanted her to see why i was upset. i wanted her to see how miserable i am, and that i needed her, but i couldn't say that, instead i got pissed and made her angry. and now idk what to do. she is ofcourse upset w/ how i was acting but at the same time i am mad b/c i am now trying to fix a fight and i didn't need that right now. i am having a hard enough time being happy at all w/out having something else to deal with. i am not saying thats her fualt, i am just saying i am so over whlemed right now, and lost... i just want to be happy, i just want to stop feeling this way, and on top of it, i want my friend back. but idk how to do that when i feel less than her, less than her friends, b/c for what ever reason i am not invited into the group, which i wouldn't mind, but i have so little at home that i feel i have nuthing, and its just another example of people hating me... idk, if anyone has an answer or suggestion let me kno