For someone who doesn't want to hurt of upset me, you sure do it well.
I really don't understand you, one day you're telling me that you're jealous of my guy friends in Austin when I go to visit, scared that I'm doing something with them when you care for me. One day you're crying behind your bed because you think I'm dieing of a head wound in your living room after the shower fiasco. One day I'm thinking that things are alright and I can breath and trust you again for a little bit, and then you spring on me again. I hate how I keep letting you get the spring on me like that, and I hate how I was handling this, how I was completely totally fucking fine with just being friends that fuck; oh wait, we decided to call it kissing friends, because it was something, you always said it was something different, that we were more than fuck buddies, and now I'm just another tool for you. Well right now I'm writing to you in hurt and spite and anger and wishing I could hate you because anyone else I could.
The thing is, just like every other time, I thought this was different, and just like everyother time I let you slip me away. Unlike everyother time, it wasn't a lie when I said I was alright, I actually was. I was completely fine with the friendly level of affection we had and with being able to go back to Moe and Tabi's afterwards and just hang out with them and be totally cool with each other and the situation and yeah. There was never any worry about where we stood or what was going on, all because I had finally been ble to let go of he feelings, and then you had to go and say that you were worried you would begin to like me again. I brushed it off and claimed I'd be a bitch to you everyonce in a while so that you wouldn't. Then you had to say that you thought you liked me and were sorry we couldn't d anything, I didn't know what to say about that so I just said "Don't worry over it" and tried to go on my way. But it started coming through more, you'd say "You never know about the future" and you be affectionate, and then you'd say it again and again, you were sorry we couldn't do anything, but "You never know about the future". Why did you have to say that? That had been the hope I'd turned into my mantra for a month while trying to get over you the first time around, and here you were repeating it to me again and again. I didn't want to like you again, I wanted to be able to be your friend and just be patient and stay in contact and see where the wind blows, but you had to make me feel that sad hope again. I hate that now I want you and that it hurt when you told me that we should put a stop to this. It'd be one thing if nothing had been said of affections and we'd kept this as a friend thing, but no, you had to drag them back in and make me care more than I wanted to.
But you have to understand, I still want you and to be with you, I have since the beginning. I had only just been able to supress that and be comfortable with my life and the way it was working, and then you had to throw that wrench into the system. I can't let you keep spinning me around on a dime, my heart and my mind, weak as they are, can't keep taking it. But, I know I'll never be able to stop myself from being pulled in again, so you can do this to me over and over. In fact, you've already got it figured out. You said we have to take a break and I just didn't show anything and said "ok" or it's equivalent to everything you said to me. And then I pointed out that I wouldn't be able to bring a certain special gift that we enjoyed as a group last time because we couldn't have sex and you actually said that "it's the holidays, you have to unwrap a very special package" and I couldn't believe it. As long as the situation suitsyou, it's alright.Now I know that's not always exactly true, but that's exactly how it sounded and came off right away.
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I really hate that you woke up an hour ago and we talked and I'm unmad agai. You suck.
The thing is, just like every other time, I thought this was different, and just like everyother time I let you slip me away. Unlike everyother time, it wasn't a lie when I said I was alright, I actually was. I was completely fine with the friendly level of affection we had and with being able to go back to Moe and Tabi's afterwards and just hang out with them and be totally cool with each other and the situation and yeah. There was never any worry about where we stood or what was going on, all because I had finally been ble to let go of he feelings, and then you had to go and say that you were worried you would begin to like me again. I brushed it off and claimed I'd be a bitch to you everyonce in a while so that you wouldn't. Then you had to say that you thought you liked me and were sorry we couldn't d anything, I didn't know what to say about that so I just said "Don't worry over it" and tried to go on my way. But it started coming through more, you'd say "You never know about the future" and you be affectionate, and then you'd say it again and again, you were sorry we couldn't do anything, but "You never know about the future". Why did you have to say that? That had been the hope I'd turned into my mantra for a month while trying to get over you the first time around, and here you were repeating it to me again and again. I didn't want to like you again, I wanted to be able to be your friend and just be patient and stay in contact and see where the wind blows, but you had to make me feel that sad hope again. I hate that now I want you and that it hurt when you told me that we should put a stop to this. It'd be one thing if nothing had been said of affections and we'd kept this as a friend thing, but no, you had to drag them back in and make me care more than I wanted to.
But you have to understand, I still want you and to be with you, I have since the beginning. I had only just been able to supress that and be comfortable with my life and the way it was working, and then you had to throw that wrench into the system. I can't let you keep spinning me around on a dime, my heart and my mind, weak as they are, can't keep taking it. But, I know I'll never be able to stop myself from being pulled in again, so you can do this to me over and over. In fact, you've already got it figured out. You said we have to take a break and I just didn't show anything and said "ok" or it's equivalent to everything you said to me. And then I pointed out that I wouldn't be able to bring a certain special gift that we enjoyed as a group last time because we couldn't have sex and you actually said that "it's the holidays, you have to unwrap a very special package" and I couldn't believe it. As long as the situation suitsyou, it's alright.Now I know that's not always exactly true, but that's exactly how it sounded and came off right away.
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I really hate that you woke up an hour ago and we talked and I'm unmad agai. You suck.