"I can't go back to yesterday, I was a different person then."
Well hello there live journal,
Where has time gone? I will be 30 this year and wow is life really sneaking up on me. I realized I haven’t worn a thong or high heels… drank for no reason… or been to a club in what feels like years now lol. I also haven’t been on here in quite some time. Life is much better than my previous post. Finally got out of the restaurant business for good. I work from home/out in the field now for a limo company. I miss having a million instant restaurant friends… but my quality of life is better as a whole. I actually have a sleeping schedule and wake up at a reasonable time which is cool. I have a nice car, my relationship is great, the house I rent is awesome, my cats are amazing, my roommate is super… things are good overall :)
So, I had my first real pregnancy scare… you would think at 29 I would be jumping for joy… not quite the case. #TERRIFIED. I think this was a very necessary wake up call for me. I still am at a crossroads of whether or not I even want children… and I am not one for surprises. I am a “To-Do” list kind of girl. #1 Get married #2 Travel #3 Maybe have kids? It’s almost creepy… The thought of something living inside me like an alien taking residence inside my body without my permission… seriously freaks me out. What freaks me out more is my negligence of my own health and body and the possibility of another life relying on my health habits to survive. Regardless of my decision to have children or not, I realized that my health is a new priority at this age.
I have been smoking cigarettes since I was 18 among several other habits I am not proud of. At 29… when I have the wisdom… but still choose to make poor life choices… that is embarrassing. It is time to make some real life decisions. Today, I am attempting to quit cigarettes… so far, I have had two and half. I typically smoke somewhere between 10-20 a day… its gross, I know. I am also two days sober from taking 5mg of Adderall a day, my latest addiction for the past year. I have to say… the last couple days Ive just wanted to be alone and sleep all day… but my skin looks terrible and Im not stupid, I know it is not good for me. But when I take it, I feel unstoppable… extroverted, productive, super woman. But, its all fake. Im tired of being fake. Coffee & weed and probably 1 soda a day is here to stay for a while. Cigarettes have to go. I pray so hard I can knock this habit. Every commercial with the guy with the hole in his neck and people’s faces peeling off.. dear God, why would I ever even pick one up?? How ignorant can I be… and stinky…? To think of all the money I have wasted to help kill myself… it is unreal.
At 29, you have real life problems and it comes to a point that nothing phases you anymore. Car breaks down, you can’t afford health insurance, and you have to feed yourself again today? No problem, just a normal day. You hate your job? Whatever, find a new one… it doesn’t really matter anyway if its not your life dream. Don’t get me wrong, I have a new appreciation for life now and realize that I am not immortal like I once felt. I thank God every day, whether he exists or not, for this day and everything that I have. I can now completely relate to my parents and have a way better understanding of the real life shit they went through. I also feel bad for being so ignorant to what life has really been about.
My own art business is my next endeavor. I have no idea whether it will take off… but it is something I am actually passionate about. I feel alive when I create art. I really hope it does work out because I do not ever really see myself moving up in a noteworthy company. I hate people telling me what to do… its overwhelming and makes me feel so anxious. I feel like I do so much better when I figure things out myself with no pressure. Also, I want to create a business that my family can all get into. I love my family, at 29 that is more important than ever.
This live journal thing was pretty cool back in the day. Very cool/embarrassing/funny to look back and see how I use to feel. Life in the last 10 years has really transformed me and I’m really thankful for my life experiences and the people along the way for teaching me to be patient, loving, forgiving, opinionated, independent, and appreciative.
Well, hello to anyone who reads this within the next year or so. I hope you are living life to its fullest! <3