one lazy bitch..
So I just checked the date of my last entry, and it was almost a month ago.. I can't even maintain my livejournal, which is supposed to be a diversion from important things.. How lazy does one have to be to be too lazy to distract themselves? Sorry if this is completely incomprehensible. I'm listening to music and feeling sad at the moment, and I can't ever think straight when I'm listening to music. I daydream and get confused and hopeful and depressed. Yellow-Coldplay. Manoj. Always makes me think of Manoj. I jumped across for you, Oh what a thing to do, 'cause see we're all yellow... I drew a line for you, oh what a thing to do, and it was all yellow... Oh yeah your skin unfolds.. Prom nights rushin' back to me right now. We sang this song at top volume all the way from Big Spring to Midland, until we got to the Chinese restaurant where I ate so much I could barely walk in my tight ass dress. I really miss Manoj lately. Called him the other day, and we're trying to figure out a way to see each other, but it seems like that's not going to happen. But it's not Manoj that I'm sad about. If anything, I'm glad we miss each other. We're back to normal. I call him a sick asshole, he calls me a dumbass bitch, and the world keeps spinning. I realize that the thing that seems to make me feel outside of some of my friendships in Austin is that they're nothing like Manoj. Manoj and I were violent, sarcastic, rude, mean, but never took it personally. It was fun. It's weird. But I almost let myself believe that everyone is capable of joking around like that, but since I've been here, I've realized that most people don't appreciate that sort of dialogue. I MISS being an asshole! It was awesome just fucking around and no one really caring what the other said. Oh well. Alex is also my best friend, and I seriously think he'd freak if he heard the way me and Manoj talked to each other. It's interesting how I can get so close to people who are so different. Actually the reason I'm sad is Alex. He seemed so upset today, but wasn't talking about it. I tried to rub his back (something he never turns down) and he just looked up at me and said "No." I'm trying to figure out if I did something wrong, which is entirely possible. I have an amazing tendency to do something wrong without ever realizing it. Sometimes I just want to ducktape my mouth shut. Really talented at saying the wrong thing. And doing the wrong thing, if the case may be. I guess I'm confused because I always know how to handle Manoj, but I don't think I've known Alex long enough to know what to say or do when he's quiet. It scares me. He's always so happy. I don't know what it means or how bad things have to be for Alex to actually be silent. I'm probably overreacting. Good at that too. Other than that, I guess I'm most upset because I'm so fucking lazy. I can't seem to get shit done lately.. Right now.. Feeling sick, faint, headaches, and here I sit writing away in my journal instead of A) studying for my psych and bio tests that are THIS WEEK, B) catching up on all the German work I've negelcted or C) sleeping away whatever is wrong with me so that I can wake up early and maybe get some of A and B done. I think once the play is over, I'll catch up just fine.. Until then, I've got to suffer through it. Tomorrow's the last day. I love this play, but my GPA needs it to be over. I should stop bitching, I know.. Write about happy stuff.. But then I sound sappy, and I HATE sappy. I hate the attention from sappy. Stupid girls, thinking they're the only ones, short-sighted, always happy.. I hate sappy. Sappy attention is white trash attention. It's its own category of annoying. I've gotten to the point where if you're talking sap, I'm getting up and walking away. Pisses me off. I don't want to do that to the poor, innocent readers of this journal. Now I'm bitching. What's wrong with me? I need spring break. I need to sleep. A lot. I think my heads is messy. I think I throw things around, forget to put things back where they belong, in their drawers and on their hangers, and it occasionally gets to the point where I can't stand it anymore and I have to clean. Cleaning means sleeping, being alone, and lots of thinking. The last time I cleaned was Christmas break. That seems forever ago. I don't know how to figure things out at the moment. I just know I feel cluttered. I can't be productive when I'm surrounded by clutter. Okay, that's it.. I'm getting off, because I'm getting nowhere with all this whining and bitching and pointless prose. Goodnight, fond friends.