(no subject)
i havent posted in years, quite literally. it seems really random that i'd suddenly start especially now.
things didnt go as planned. I had to drop out/take a leave of absence from Pratt. I was misserable, anxious, felt left out, and most of all my heart wasn't in it. But it was everything i had ever planned or dreamed a future to be and now its gone indefinately. Lets not kid ourselves, its 90% im not going back bc of finances and life goes on and on and on...but im so fucking depressed seeing everyone i know graduate and do so well with amazing websites and jobs and here i am working as a waitress getting terrible tips and selling clothes to really nastey people who treat me like i never even graduated highschool and im some sort of stupid failure. Here i am, the person whos Mom used to laugh at her and say she'd never amount to anything...finally after all these years proving her momentarily right. i hear people sy these times will pass, im young, i have years ahead of me but the one thought the one prayer i had that pulled me through all the crap i ever went through was id be great someday and i'd be such a success and if i just pulled through it would all work out for me...and here it is not happening. I always thought of myself as a rock but im finding im just drift wood, a very small, very lonely piece of drift wood in the middle of an empty very tumultuous sea. Then some will say but there fish and other drift woods...but i see none in sight.
im not a "good person" im an impulsive lier, someone who learned at a very early age as a way to protect myself but who is having a hard time letting it go now when im older. I have moments of complete and utter irrational insanity when i was yell at dan and threaten to break his xbox because he didn't comfort me as i cried bc a friend let me down once again in a long line of let downs...and then return to appologize 15 minutes later because i know i did wrong. i dont know how to have a relationship. What do you do? is it ok for days when neither of you speak more then a few words, is it ok if they arent in the mood to fuck? What do you do when you need them there bc your scared and they are having a bad day? how do you forget about bad days and not stay up at night hoping they arent unhappy? whats "normal"? what's "acceptable"?
i feel like im heading to a break down but i dont have time or space for one. Theres no room in my 2 job soon to hopefully be 3 job life to break down
things didnt go as planned. I had to drop out/take a leave of absence from Pratt. I was misserable, anxious, felt left out, and most of all my heart wasn't in it. But it was everything i had ever planned or dreamed a future to be and now its gone indefinately. Lets not kid ourselves, its 90% im not going back bc of finances and life goes on and on and on...but im so fucking depressed seeing everyone i know graduate and do so well with amazing websites and jobs and here i am working as a waitress getting terrible tips and selling clothes to really nastey people who treat me like i never even graduated highschool and im some sort of stupid failure. Here i am, the person whos Mom used to laugh at her and say she'd never amount to anything...finally after all these years proving her momentarily right. i hear people sy these times will pass, im young, i have years ahead of me but the one thought the one prayer i had that pulled me through all the crap i ever went through was id be great someday and i'd be such a success and if i just pulled through it would all work out for me...and here it is not happening. I always thought of myself as a rock but im finding im just drift wood, a very small, very lonely piece of drift wood in the middle of an empty very tumultuous sea. Then some will say but there fish and other drift woods...but i see none in sight.
im not a "good person" im an impulsive lier, someone who learned at a very early age as a way to protect myself but who is having a hard time letting it go now when im older. I have moments of complete and utter irrational insanity when i was yell at dan and threaten to break his xbox because he didn't comfort me as i cried bc a friend let me down once again in a long line of let downs...and then return to appologize 15 minutes later because i know i did wrong. i dont know how to have a relationship. What do you do? is it ok for days when neither of you speak more then a few words, is it ok if they arent in the mood to fuck? What do you do when you need them there bc your scared and they are having a bad day? how do you forget about bad days and not stay up at night hoping they arent unhappy? whats "normal"? what's "acceptable"?
i feel like im heading to a break down but i dont have time or space for one. Theres no room in my 2 job soon to hopefully be 3 job life to break down