voice of rage and ruin, part 3 of ?
Title: Voice of Rage and Ruin
Author: confetticas
Rating: PG-13
Genre and/or Pairing: Angst and drama with a sprinkling of humor every once in awhile. Eventual girl!Sam/Gabriel and Dean/Castiel
Spoilers: through season 5 in a roundabout way, taking liberties with canon a little when it comes to the Novak's (although maybe not since we don't actually know the dates)
Warnings: alwaysagirl!Sam, language, people accept things that should freak them out with ridiculous amounts of calm.
Word Count: 3,667 for this part, 9,605 so far
Summary: When Samantha Winchester is six years old, she wakes up just in time to see her brother be kidnapped by two men who glow so bright it hurts. Her entire life changes in an instant.
Author's Note: So, I know I said this last chapter as well, but I'm REALLY not sure about this one. To be honest, it's been mostly complete for almost 48 hours now, and I've been trying to go through and make it... better. Which hasn't worked, because I am still not satisified. I feel like it's... off. Rushed and uneven, I don't even know. But, 48 hours of editing hasn't made me satisfied and I'm starting to wonder if it's just me, so I'm giving it a shot. Let me know how it is?
Voice of Rage and Ruin
Previous Chapters: Prologue One Two
Part Three: December 2002
"This kid," Sam says quietly, about five miles past the Illinois border. Minnesota's shapeshifter and Iowa's werewolf have proven a nifty excuse to drive in the general direction of Illinois and the little boy who was the only being in the world who knew where her brother was. "He's got parents, and a little sister, and a life, Gabriel. How'm I supposed to be selfish enough to take that away from him when he's the reason my brother is alive and safe?" Why do I want to do so this badly when I know how wrong it should feel?
Gabriel sighs and disappears what's left of his Snickers bar. "You could think about it from the point of view that really, you're showing him that he isn't insane and once he'd got all of his memories, he ought to be able to live out his life without ending up in a psych ward."
"That point of view conveniently glosses over what I'm doing to his parents and sister," Sam counters guiltily. "Who'm I kidding? We both know that we're going to do this, one way or another. But..." she sighs. "I feel really, really bad."
"That's because you're an amazing person who's almost as awesome as I am, which is totally saying a lot," Gabriel replies promptly, grinning. "What you're doing to his parents and sister? You're telling them that their son and big brother isn't a raging schizophrenic. You're, honesty, giving them their son and brother back, and if they're anything like I think they are, they'll actually be quite grateful for it."
Sam sighs and flips on the radio, grinning slightly at the familiar notes of Smoke on the Water. "I need a chocolate banana milkshake," she informs her traveling partner innocently.
Gabriel snaps his fingers and hands her the milkshake, shaking his head with an amused glint in his eyes. "You only want me for my awesome cosmic powers," he pouts at her.
"And because you're a really good lay," Sam adds, because this is important information. "Also, you're not bad as eye candy, either."
"Thanks, and back at you on both of the latter points," Gabriel grins at her.
Sam smiles. "Damn straight."
Gabriel leans back and places his feet on the dash. Sam forces herself not to react. "We're entirely too much awesome to be in one place so often. If we aren't careful, we'll cause the world to spontaneously combust."
"I think it'll survive," Sam counters, grinning back. "We're so awesome that it couldn't stay broken."
Gabriel cackles. "Shit, I adore you, kid," he says, and if his eyes are a little soft with affection, Sam's kind enough not to comment.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It's just a house. Sam's not sure why she's expected anything different, maybe because this occasion is so important and possibly fulfilling to her that she feels like the surroundings should reflect it, but... no. It's just a normal house with a car in the driveway and toys spread across the lawn.
Sam lets Gabriel take the lead on the way to the door, feeling raw and nervous and a little terrified because - hell, she doesn't even know why. Just, the list of things that could go wrong, how badly the Novak's could take what they're here to tell him, and what if even with his memories Castiel doesn't tell them where he left Dean, and...
Gabriel grasps her elbow. "Relax, Sammy," he murmurs softly. "It's going to be okay. I've got your back."
And Sam isn't honestly completely sure why that's one of the most reassuring things she's ever heard in her life, but it is. Because doing this alone, or even with Dad and Bobby? She can't fathom it, it would be... Sam shivers slightly. No. She's glad she has Gabriel here to make this as painless as possible, to just look at her and make the worries flood away.
"Are you James Novak?" Gabriel asks when the man answers the door, even though Sam knows perfectly well that Gabriel knows exactly who the man is, it turns out the archangel turned trickster is pretty good at adhering to petty human niceties.
Jimmy quirks an eyebrow at Gabriel and Sam, curious. "Jimmy," he corrects. "Yes. And you are...?"
"My name is Gabriel," Gabriel says, like that's all he really has to say, and Sam resists the urge to roll her eyes, because seriously? The most faithful human being in the modern world wouldn't understand that - there're too many people in the world who share the name to automatically assume 'archangel' on hearing it.
"Okay," Jimmy nods slowly, looking puzzled. "And you're here because...?"
Gabriel pouts. "Okay, that hurts." He turns to Sam. "I really thought he'd get it."
Sam doesn't bother resisting the urge to roll her eyes this time. "Mr. Novak," she says, softly. "I'm Samantha Winchester and I..." she stops, because she has no idea what to say here. Your son is a fallen angel and he saved my brother? Your son is the only being in the world who can tell me where my brother is so I'd like to force him to remember a life he abandoned because I'm selfish and miss my brother? There is no way this is going to end well.
"Winchester," Jimmy murmurs, looking puzzled, and then realization snaps across his face and his features go blank. "All right. And still, neither one of you has said what you are doing here."
Gabriel sighs. "The first thing you think of when you hear the name Gabriel, before the thousands of unfortunate children who were named after me."
"...I," Jimmy gapes, like he wants to say how impossible that is but would rather not be struck dumb in case it's true. Sam can't really blame the guy on that count.
"He's telling you the truth," Sam tells Jimmy, wringing her hands. "Your son, Lucas. His dreams, the things he remembers that you consider impossible? They aren't impossible. Lucas was the angel Castiel and when a group of his brothers crossed a line, he did everything he could to save the human they'd taken to... that's not important," she says hastily, mostly because she doesn't like to think about what the angels she spent most of her life believing in might've done to her brother. "Look, I know we sound totally crazy, but - "
Jimmy regains some measure of control over himself and stares at them before telling Sam, "According to Lucas's dreams, which you claim are reality, the archangel Gabriel is dead."
"What? Why the hell would he even dream about me? I haven't been in Heaven in a long, long time," Gabriel blurts, confused.
Jimmy crosses his arms and gives the archangel a look that Sam imagines is generally reserved for Lucas and Claire when they're not on their best behavior, and is, as such, rather amusing. "Because when he went to save the boy - Dean Winchester, as it happens - he just kept thinking about how if Gabriel were there this wouldn't have happened to begin with." He gives Gabriel a look that challenges blatantly 'argue that.'
Gabriel whistles lowly. "Who's the worst big brother in the history of the world?" he murmurs no small degree of self-hate. "Look. I'd give you all the bloody, gory details of why I faked my own death and skipped out on Heaven, but you're a man of faith and I'd like nothing less than to be responsible for destroying a mans faith in my Father."
"All right," Jimmy nods. "Say I believe this, which I'm leaning towards - why are you here? You aren't touching my son."
Gabriel blinks. "Um... okay?" he offers, totally lost.
"My son is a fallen angel, you are an archangel," Jimmy says it slowly as though he's concerned Gabriel isn't intelligent enough to understand. "Excuse me if I'd rather you kept safe distance."
"I'm not here to hurt Cas," Gabriel denies softly, looking slightly offended. "I wouldn't dream of it. Half the reason I left is that I couldn't stand the direction my brothers were headed in, I couldn't watch them become something so far from what we were meant to be. I'm here to help Sam find her older brother, and to bring some peace to your family, Jimmy. You all have the right to know that he isn't insane and so does he. I'll leave the choice up to you guys if you want me to help him remember who he used to be, but Sam here - " he pauses and gestures in Sam's direction and then grasps her shoulder in comfort, Sam just stares at the floor feeling uncomfortable. "Sam witnessed her brother's kidnapping when she was only six years old and then she spent four hours completely alone waiting for her Uncle and father to get there. All she could tell them about the people who took her big brother was that they glowed so brightly it hurt her eyes to look and they had wings. Eventually, everyone but Sam gave up on ever finding Dean alive. Sam's spent her entire life since trying to find Dean, and while I've been helping her these past couple of months, the only being in the entire world who knows where Dean is, is your son."
Jimmy stared at Gabriel. "You want me to ask my son to remember a life where, towards the end, his brothers betrayed him and forced him out of his home?" he asks Gabriel, incredulous.
Sam drops her gaze.
Gabriel answers frankly, "He already remembers that part and you know it, Jimmy. What he doesn't remember are the good times. What it's like to know your purpose and to have rock solid faith and to know who and what you are and to really, truly belong. He has the right to know these things. I won't do it if you tell me not to, but he has that right, Jimmy. Tell me, how protective is he of Claire?"
Jimmy smiles affectionately, "Extremely. One time he ever got in trouble for fighting it was because some little brat insulted Claire."
"That's my boy," Gabriel mutters, grinning so hard it looks like it hurts, in Sam's opinion. She's a little puzzled, Gabriel never mentioned before that he was particularly close to the angel who saved her brother. "He always was protective, willing to defend anyone, and the favor was returned, if only from me. I loved that kid - he's one of the brothers who I missed most when I left. Michael and Raphael - a part of me was almost glad to be rid of them because it hurt so much to see what they'd become, but Cas? That kid was amazing. He was going to do the right thing no matter what any of us thought of it, and his faith... by the time I left he probably had the strongest faith of any angel left after the Wars, and he'd never even met Father. I would have and still would do anything for him," he tells Jimmy, and Sam gets the impression that Gabriel hasn't been this honest and forthright even with himself in a long time. "And I'm telling you that it will be better for him if you let him remember - how is he ever supposed to grow up relatively well adjusted if he thinks he's insane?"
Jimmy looks defeated as he opens the door all the way to let them in. "Amelia!" he calls out, obviously trying not to sound as uncertain as he feels.
"Ohmygod, she's adorable," Sam blurts when she sees Claire, who's wearing a princess dress and dancing, evidently having forced her big brother to sit down and watch. Lucas looks quite amused and plays along, applauding and 'oohing' at all the right moments. Claire's practically glowing in happiness.
Jimmy looks amused. "Yes, she is," he agrees. "Luke, can you take your sister upstairs and play for a few minutes?"
Lucas glances at Sam and Gabriel and his gaze freezes on Gabriel. Expression stormy, he steps in front of Claire and lifts his chin challengingly.
"I'm not here to hurt you," Gabriel promises, holding his hands up and barely managing to refrain from saying 'I come in peace' - Sam can tell by the way his lips twitch and fights an amused grin herself.
Lucas scoffs. "Yeah, right."
"Do you know who I am, or can you just tell that I'm one of your brothers?" Gabriel counters.
Lucas looks a little uncomfortable. "The latter," he says, about a millisecond away from snapping. "Dad," he says, looking at Jimmy desperately.
"You told me about Gabriel, do you remember that?" Jimmy replies softly. "Look at him again."
Lucas does, and his eyes widen. "Gabe?" he breathes, astounded and hopeful.
"Got it in one, Cassie," Gabriel chirps with an effortless grin.
"Don't call me that," Lucas snaps reflexively, and then smiles sheepishly. "It's good to see you, but - I thought you were dead."
"Yeah, I..." Gabriel's grin disappears. "I'm really sorry about that, kid. If I'd had any idea...But, well, I didn't. Past is past. I screwed up, and I'm sorry, and I wish I'd been there to help you out."
Lucas stares at him for a minute and then nods solemnly. "Why are you here?"
"I have someone I want you to meet," Gabriel says quietly and then pulls Sam in front of him, easily ignoring the way she wrinkles her nose at being manhandled. "This is Samantha Winchester, Cas."
Lucas looks at her for a minute and then turns his attention back to Gabriel. "She's different than she should be."
Gabriel looks worryingly guilty. Sam'll beat answers out of him later. "Yeah," he agrees with his little brother. "She is. That's my fault. Not like it's a bad thing, though. At any rate - Sam wants to know if you are willing to help her find her brother."
Lucas stares at the ground for a minute and then looks at her, ruffling Claire's hair for a second. "As a big brother, I wish nothing more than that I could tell you where he is - but there are two problems with that," he tells Sam, apologetic. "One, I have no idea where I left him, and two... he had amnesia. He has no idea who he is, Samantha."
Sam chokes on a sob. That explains so much - like why he's never tracked them down because Dean would have, he wouldn't have been able to stop himself. But not knowing who he is... god, it hurts. He doesn't even remember her. "I see," she manages and it takes everything she has not to start crying on the spot.
"I can fix both memory problems," Gabriel says, sounding a little irked. "Have you both managed to forget how awesome I am? Cas, I can have you in full possession of all of your memories in the next thirty seconds. When I find Dean I can do the same with him. I'm not sure I follow why you're both so upset."
"...everything?" Lucas asks, uncertain. "I... Gabriel, I like my life here. My parents, my sister, I don't want to give that up."
Gabriel shrugs. "Who said you had to? I was never saying 'go back' I was saying 'be whole.' There's a big difference. 'Sides that, I don't think your Dad would let you leave even if you wanted to."
Jimmy smirks slightly, amused. "Your brother makes a good point," he agrees.
Lucas rolls his eyes. "I... all right," he accepts, nodding slowly. "I'll do it."
Sam feels mostly helpless and on edge as Lucas and Gabriel converse in low voices, so she follows Amelia and Claire up the stairs for lack of anything better to do and because standing around twiddling her thumbs and waiting for the someone else to fix things isn't really her style.
"So," Amelia says softly, after a few minutes, once Claire is sufficiently distracted with a ridiculous amount of baby dolls. "Lucas is... a fallen angel," she sounds confused and maybe a bit terrified.
Sam casts the other woman a sympathetic glance. "On the bright side," she quips, because she's a little uncomfortable, "He isn't crazy."
"Thanks," Amelia replies, utterly sarcastic. "I... am more glad than I can put into words that he's healthy. My baby boy... it's been so..." Amelia sighs helplessly, like she doesn't have the words for watching her son go insane, and Sam can't really blame her. "This is a lot to wrap my head around, though. Your brother, you saw those other angels kidnap him?"
Sam stiffens, because she doesn't like to talk about this, ever, and this is the third time in as many months. Relating the memory to Gabriel, she'd been running on desperate hope and the ashes of faith. The second time, for one of Gabriel's 'contacts' (who she was pretty sure had actually been freaking Hermes, and holy shit if she'd been entirely in her right mind, she'd have totally gone curious geek on the poor guy) she'd known hours in advance that she was going to have to talk about it and had proceeded to get royally shitfaced so that she wouldn't have to feel it. Now, she has neither desperation nor alcohol to blunt the pain. "I was six," she whispers and feel something in her break all over again because Dean. "I'd been asleep and when I woke up - when he saw that I was awake, he stopped fighting and let them take him. If it weren't for... Lucas, Castiel, whichever," Sam doesn't care what his name is, she's going to love the guy for all of eternity. "I don't even want to think about what could have happened to Dean if it weren't for him."
"Will he - will he still be my baby when he remembers?" And there are tears in Amelia's eyes and this, this right here, is why Sam ever hesitated to do this, because how can she justify doing this to someone when she knows her brother is at least safe and alive? She can't. Justify it, that is. But she can't stop it, can't stop the need to see her brother again, either.
Sam can't even meet her eyes. "I... from what Gabriel said, I think so," she answers, and it's the best she can give.
Amelia chokes on a sob. "I can't lose my son," she cries.
Sam chokes on a sob of her own, hating herself for causing this, and then before either of them can speak again, Lucas speaks softly, sounding faintly confused, "Mom? Why would you lose me?"
Amelia wraps her arms around him in an instant and Lucas shoots Sam a bewildered look from around his mother. Sam looks back at the child angel helplessly. "You - if you remember," Amelia tries, but stops.
"Mom," Lucas tells her softly. "I do remember. It's okay. I'm still Lucas. Mostly I won't even think about my other life. This is my life now. You and Dad and Claire, that's all I need. I'm still me. You haven't lost anything."
Sam blinks back tears.
After a moment, Amelia releases her son, looking incredibly relieved and like she's just witnessed a miracle. Sam figures that, really, she sort of has.
"Samantha," Lucas says, giving her this little half smile that is absolutely adorable, and Sam isn't the only one who thinks so judging by the discreet snap of Amelia's cell phone. She fights a laugh and exchanges an amused grin with Amelia. "Your brother. Dean. I left him with a couple, Nick and Jenny Rosen, and their daughter, Becky. They live in Delaware, a town called Pike Creek. Gabriel believes he will be able to restore Dean's memory easily. When you find him, wish him well from me, will you?"
"Yes," Sam breathes softly, a joyful smile lighting up her face. "I'll do that. Thank you, thank you so much, Lucas."
"Thank you," Lucas counters. "I'm not insane."
"That's debatable, little brother," Gabriel quips from the doorway, smiling widely.
Lucas glances at him and rolls his eyes. "You know, coming from you, that has next to zero meaning."
Gabriel grins affectionately. "Never change, kiddo."
"I wasn't planning on it," Lucas replies, totally deadpan. Sam snorts, amused.
Amelia gives Gabriel a look that is decidedly softer than the glares she was previously directing his way. "Will you come back and visit, occasionally? I think Luke would like to have his brother around sometimes."
Gabriel glances between Amelia, Lucas, Jimmy and Claire, looking decidedly uncomfortable by the four hopeful expressions he's getting. Sam covers her mouth with her hand to hide her grin. "I guess I can do that," he finally agrees awkwardly, nodding.
Lucas grabs Sam hand as she's following Gabriel out of the house and pulls her aside. He looks at her intently, meeting her eyes, and Sam valiantly resists the urge to shift uncomfortably under the kid's gaze. "It would serve you well to inquire to Gabriel about what he did for you, aside from leading you to me so that I could lead you to your brother," he informs her bluntly.
Sam blinks at him in bemusement. "What else did he do for me?" she asks him, lost.
"That is not for me to say," Lucas gives her this secretive little smile. "You will have to ask him. Good luck with Dean, Samantha," he adds, and then turns and walks back into his home without looking back.
Sam stands there for a minute, absolutely bewildered, and then shrugs it off because Gabriel's waving for her to speed it up already. She's getting her brother back today - anything else, even cryptic statements from a twelve-year-old angel, can wait. Today, Sam's going to find Dean, with the archangel who's maybe the best friend she's ever allowed herself to have at her side.