I've been up for hours puttering around tumblr.
To me, the girls on
www.theskinnycity.com look so much happier and healthier than any of the girls on
www.thehealthycity.com I want to look as good as they do, I want my body to appear effortless, I want to disappear inside of a sweater that would fit a "normal" girl just fine, I want my hip bones to
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I'm so tired of everyone telling me that I don't need to lose anything, that I'm beautiful, that I'm perfect. It doesn't mean a thing if seconds after that they make fun of someone who is overweight, obese, bulbous, because that is exactly how I feel. My body feels heavy, weighing down my bones, my stomach rolls and pouches, my thighs touch and jiggle with every step, my neck supports the beginnings of another chin. I can't do it anymore.I don't just see this when I look in the mirror, it's every time I'm conscious.
I can't lose anything because of my lack of impulse control, I eat and eat and eat, I went to bed feeling sick last night and woke up the same way. I ate an orange and it made me want to throw up, made me feel like a failure, like I was just adding on more unwanted pounds and rolls, even though another part of me knows that orange will do absolutely nothing but increase my vitamin c and sugars. But I am feeling those god awful sugars every damn second.
I am weak, I am sad, I have little to no self esteem, but nothing anyone says is ever going to change that. I'm never going to love the way I look, I'm always going to hate my body and want to change every little thing. I lost twenty pounds in two weeks, my collar bones stuck out in stark relief, my cheek bones were prominent, my legs didn't touch, my arms didn't flatten out when they touched my sides, my ribs were more visible than they had been in years, but all I focused on was that fucking pouch, that stomach that refused to disappear, refused to flatten down. I started begging to get sick again, be immobile for another two weeks, I starved myself, I barely slept, I rode the bus, and shared drinks, anything; everything. But nothing worked and I gained everything back.
I felt like a failure, like a monster.
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Tis is definitely body image, I've felt this way since I was in elementary school. And I do feel out of control, I don't understand why nothing is working, why nothing is improving.
I love you gorgeous lady.
-Cassie
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(The comment has been removed)
I try to avoid doctors as much as humanly possible, but I will give it a try. No one off of the top of my head, but there may be someone.
♥♥♥
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