May 29, 2006 05:16
alright- mind you that I'm drunk, a little.
but this boy Ryan- deserves to hear what I have to say about him.
I remember, last winter before semester break and before that,
I begged him to listen to how I felt about him, to take me seriously,
and then he dated me and we fell in love/
love besides love for our friendship.
but I love him,
I really do.
I don't think he understands,
he has told me how he thinks he loves me more than I do him-
and yet he forgets those winter nights in the study room,
with those screens blasted out.
how we both were so depressed with our freshman blues looking out the window-
not saying out loud what we were REALLY thinking as we looked down,
how when I called him after my mother in that one dry spot-
when it was raining and some how there was one dry spot as a sat and cried in it,
so depressed,
how when my best friend told me she was pregnant and she couldn't get an abortion because of ...
some things...
and how I knew she wasn't ready for it dropping out of school at seventeen,
how I wrote her a song- and read it to Ryan,
really bearing myself in front of someone other than sam and my parents,
breaking down on my bunk bed in sobs.
for the first time in my life.
( I don't think he ever knew the gravity of it )
how when we bought ipods and the cmu bookstore together-
how he shed tears to me about his family problems,
how we have been thru so much..
how
that first time I slept in his bed,
after drinking forties in my dorm-
and dropping the trash all over adn then picking it up
I remember ryan becaus eyou were there.
and deciding to walk to his dorm wraped around a blanket instead of a jacket-
"cause I think it's way cool- but not really but yes cause it's cold out"
yeah- I remember quotes from the early days.
I just- really love him him- more than he knows, and now with school over till fall,
I once again feel like he thinks he loves me more than I love him,
and it's not true.
I used to laugh at people talking about being forever, and highschool sweethearts,
but when I see him old and wrinkly and I the same- it doesn't seem bad at all,
I'm not getting all oldfashioned romantic-
I'm just saying I love this man- and he doesn't know it.
we say it to eachother- and I treat him with such sincerity-
but I don't know if he will ever REALLy know.
his computer broke down for mostly forever-
I really don't know if he'll ever read this- I wish he would-
until then- I'll shed tears- until he knows, my pain-
my pain- because he doesn't know how much I love them.
sincere diary-
end transmission
and most honestly ps,
I love me in his arms, I love his hair on my skin,
I love his eyes looking at me and his nose against mine,
and I lvoe the shape of his mouth when he makes faces at me.
besides him- most of all I miss his face,
in bed with me- waking me up in morning.
I miss him so much- my waking thought and my thoughts before every sleep consist of him...
but I'm nt like that.
I'm so stoic.
I'm so tough,
I'm so not that girl,
I'm so the GUY IN EVERY REALTIONSHIP.
but he is a man- and he took the pants.
and I love him.
and I miss him.
and I want him in my ed right now.
and I want to scream it to the mountain tops.
that I lvoe this man- Ryan West