(no subject)
thanks to everyone who replied to my last post of despair. i'm really fine. i realised this morning that it sounded like i was self-injuring or something. i'm not. it's ok. thankyou so much for your concern though, i really appreciate it, but i don't have enough energy to reply to you, because anything to do with the way i was feeling last night kind of makes me feel a bit poo. except this one thing which i'm going to talk about now:
caution: some negativity ahead but it does get a lot less negative
i'm ok now. i wasn't ok last night. i got into bed at about 2:30 and tossed and turned and wanted to die. i haven't wanted to die like that since i was young & living here back when the house was brimming with negativity. but i knew i had to sleep because i thought i was meeting ohyes today [more about that later], so i grabbed my discman and shoved it in my ears, expecting "you know you're right" by nirvana, because that's what i thought was in there. actually it was "from the choirgirl hotel" and during the first song "spark" i got a message from god. god sang [through tori, of course]: "you say you don't want it again and again but you don't, don't really mean it. you say you don't want it, this circus we're in but you don't, don't really mean it." which is really really true. no matter how many times i say/feel i want to die, i really do want to be in this game. so i listened to the song most of the day because it was so comforting.
anyway, i finally got to sleep after most of the cd and then had weird dreams which i'll write about in my dream journal at some stage. then i went into the city and sat down outside officeworks to wait for ohyes [i was ten minutes early]. i sent her an sms: "i'm already here like a loser. take your time though." and she sent back: "oh my god!! wasn't i supposed to meet you after my exam on thursday?!" what had happened was i thought her exam was today.. oops. but that was very funny because i was a superloser because i was there a whole day early !! hehe.
so anyway, i went to yarraville which was empty of humans, and watched two episodes of buffy, the one where oz comes back and the one where johnathan does a spell so everyone thinks he's a superhero. aaand i ate really weird stuff while i was there because i couldn't be bothered cooking. and then on the way home i was going to deposit some money but i decided to go into the sun bookshop to see if they had any sark books. anyway, i bought another copy of the artist's way and just reading the introduction was like having extra oxygen. i think i'll try and keep this copy as unmarked as possible and use it as my lending copy because my other copy has so much crap in it. but yes, i can't wait to do the course again.
when i got home i checked my shmeemail & i've got a few more offers for the modelling thing, one from this guy charles bamford who my new ozmodel friend beckii has worked with & this other guy les & yet another guy who seemed a bit suss so i decided to hold off, and this girl who's also a model but does photography too and wants to photograph me. so hurrah ! there's a lot of stuff for me to do right there.
i feel a bit weird being here. as soon as i got home i sat down and cried a bit.. i'm not sure what that was about. anyway, i'm going to eat now because the acid in my stomach is starting to dissolve my stomach lining. l word tonight ! eye caaandddyyy !
caution: some negativity ahead but it does get a lot less negative
i'm ok now. i wasn't ok last night. i got into bed at about 2:30 and tossed and turned and wanted to die. i haven't wanted to die like that since i was young & living here back when the house was brimming with negativity. but i knew i had to sleep because i thought i was meeting ohyes today [more about that later], so i grabbed my discman and shoved it in my ears, expecting "you know you're right" by nirvana, because that's what i thought was in there. actually it was "from the choirgirl hotel" and during the first song "spark" i got a message from god. god sang [through tori, of course]: "you say you don't want it again and again but you don't, don't really mean it. you say you don't want it, this circus we're in but you don't, don't really mean it." which is really really true. no matter how many times i say/feel i want to die, i really do want to be in this game. so i listened to the song most of the day because it was so comforting.
anyway, i finally got to sleep after most of the cd and then had weird dreams which i'll write about in my dream journal at some stage. then i went into the city and sat down outside officeworks to wait for ohyes [i was ten minutes early]. i sent her an sms: "i'm already here like a loser. take your time though." and she sent back: "oh my god!! wasn't i supposed to meet you after my exam on thursday?!" what had happened was i thought her exam was today.. oops. but that was very funny because i was a superloser because i was there a whole day early !! hehe.
so anyway, i went to yarraville which was empty of humans, and watched two episodes of buffy, the one where oz comes back and the one where johnathan does a spell so everyone thinks he's a superhero. aaand i ate really weird stuff while i was there because i couldn't be bothered cooking. and then on the way home i was going to deposit some money but i decided to go into the sun bookshop to see if they had any sark books. anyway, i bought another copy of the artist's way and just reading the introduction was like having extra oxygen. i think i'll try and keep this copy as unmarked as possible and use it as my lending copy because my other copy has so much crap in it. but yes, i can't wait to do the course again.
when i got home i checked my shmeemail & i've got a few more offers for the modelling thing, one from this guy charles bamford who my new ozmodel friend beckii has worked with & this other guy les & yet another guy who seemed a bit suss so i decided to hold off, and this girl who's also a model but does photography too and wants to photograph me. so hurrah ! there's a lot of stuff for me to do right there.
i feel a bit weird being here. as soon as i got home i sat down and cried a bit.. i'm not sure what that was about. anyway, i'm going to eat now because the acid in my stomach is starting to dissolve my stomach lining. l word tonight ! eye caaandddyyy !