worst life ever.

[concupiscience]

I cannot help but feel by taking my twin's life, the murderer took the rest of my life as well. We had so many plans...meeting up for the holidays and things like that. We talked on the phone all the time. We always had the best time together and laughed like crazy. They took my dearest friend and my "most important person". I've never grieved before and I cannot help but think I am doing it wrong. Shouldn't I be more of a mess? Shouldn't I cry more? Am I just ignoring my feelings when I try to get out and meet people and do things? Is it a huge mistake to try to make decisions about the rest of my life?

I feel like I am making no progress. I feel like I'm only getting fatter, uglier, less successful, and more of a wallflower. I feel like there are fewer reasons that people might want to meet me. I feel less special, less cool, dumber, and lost.

Rationally, I know I am the same person...just with more grief. But when I look in the mirror I see a different person. My values are the same. I get similar joy from nature and from creating art and writing and cooking. I am talented at some things, and I'm pretty smart. I love my boyfriend and am so grateful for his great company and for his sweet love. Despite all of the good things I still have, I'm so lonely.

I want to feel like myself, my own happy self. It is so hard.