It was nothing like his romantic fantasies of his 'first time', but he felt safe and wanted, and when Howard came on his belly, Vince felt strangely powerful. He didn't feel tiny and ineffective. He felt special.
This goes back to what I was saying in the previous chapter's review about how Howard and Vince are so drawn to each other because they make each other feel special--and empowered--and it's one of those sections of the story that touches me, every time I read it. It's just a bit heartbreaking here, what Vince's thoughts here say, both about his connection to Howard and about what's lacking elsewhere in his life, that he's so taken with the feeling of being safe, wanted, powerful, special. And Howard makes him feel that way, when probably nobody else does.
"Look, Howard, you never pretended it was anything other than it was..."
"What was it?"
"Just getting off. I knew you were with me because I was convenient, not 'cause you were interested, except for... the physical stuff. You never led me on." Vince's mouth was suddenly dry, and it was hard to speak.
This part hurts, too. Later in the chapter, Vince thinks to himself that Howard couldn't tell the difference between love and sex, and was always seeking sex when he wanted love, but this exchange right here says everything about how very much that's true of Vince, too. He always desperately wanted romance and love--to be loved by gruff and emotionally unavailable Howard, whose unavailability just makes his good opinion and love more valuable--but he settled for sex because he figured it was as close as he could get, or as close as Howard could allow him to get, and as he reflects here, he'd rather take the possibility of something with Howard, even if it isn't everything he'd wanted or hoped for. The pragmatic way he talks about it here doesn't really hide the hurt and disappointment under those words.
And all of that just makes the revelation of what really went on in Milky Joe all the more bittersweet, because we know that Howard was offering Vince exactly what he'd always wanted: romance, sincerity, emotional honesty, tenderness, declarations... and the thing is, it's what Howard really feels, of course. These are the kinds of things he's felt and was never able to say, even before his memory was altered. I love the idea that Vince is/was Precious (new head canon!) originally, because even the selection of that name tells us how Howard really feels about Vince: that he's precious. He loves Vince and wants him to feel loved, wants to make him happy. The sad thing is that he was only able to say it when he was under the influence (only somebody as inhibited as Howard could be MORE himself when out of his mind), and that Vince couldn't be sure if it had been real or a dream, because it seemed too much like one of his fantasies to be entirely real.
Of course, now they have the opportunity to get beyond those past barriers and start to put it right. And I really, really love Vince reassuring Howard that even the worst experiences were amazing, because they were together, because that's not just Vince putting a brave face on things to make Howard feel good. It's the truth: everything is amazing in some way, as long as they're together, and they're much better off focusing on having new amazing experiences, rather than dwelling on what they did in the past.
And I almost forgot to mention it, but I have to leave some love for that brilliant, brilliant line about Vince imagining himself as an actor playing Vince, when he's telling the truth about what happened on the island, to try and feel just a little bit more distant and less exposed. It's SUCH a perfect description of the way I imagine Vince trying to handle painful, vulnerable moments, or cover them up--because if he's an actor playing Vince, it's not as real and immediate and scary, and he has some control, and he can show what he wants to reveal and hide what he needs to hide. It's just one of those lines that shows how deeply you understand the characters!
This goes back to what I was saying in the previous chapter's review about how Howard and Vince are so drawn to each other because they make each other feel special--and empowered--and it's one of those sections of the story that touches me, every time I read it. It's just a bit heartbreaking here, what Vince's thoughts here say, both about his connection to Howard and about what's lacking elsewhere in his life, that he's so taken with the feeling of being safe, wanted, powerful, special. And Howard makes him feel that way, when probably nobody else does.
"Look, Howard, you never pretended it was anything other than it was..."
"What was it?"
"Just getting off. I knew you were with me because I was convenient, not 'cause you were interested, except for... the physical stuff. You never led me on." Vince's mouth was suddenly dry, and it was hard to speak.
This part hurts, too. Later in the chapter, Vince thinks to himself that Howard couldn't tell the difference between love and sex, and was always seeking sex when he wanted love, but this exchange right here says everything about how very much that's true of Vince, too. He always desperately wanted romance and love--to be loved by gruff and emotionally unavailable Howard, whose unavailability just makes his good opinion and love more valuable--but he settled for sex because he figured it was as close as he could get, or as close as Howard could allow him to get, and as he reflects here, he'd rather take the possibility of something with Howard, even if it isn't everything he'd wanted or hoped for. The pragmatic way he talks about it here doesn't really hide the hurt and disappointment under those words.
And all of that just makes the revelation of what really went on in Milky Joe all the more bittersweet, because we know that Howard was offering Vince exactly what he'd always wanted: romance, sincerity, emotional honesty, tenderness, declarations... and the thing is, it's what Howard really feels, of course. These are the kinds of things he's felt and was never able to say, even before his memory was altered. I love the idea that Vince is/was Precious (new head canon!) originally, because even the selection of that name tells us how Howard really feels about Vince: that he's precious. He loves Vince and wants him to feel loved, wants to make him happy. The sad thing is that he was only able to say it when he was under the influence (only somebody as inhibited as Howard could be MORE himself when out of his mind), and that Vince couldn't be sure if it had been real or a dream, because it seemed too much like one of his fantasies to be entirely real.
Of course, now they have the opportunity to get beyond those past barriers and start to put it right. And I really, really love Vince reassuring Howard that even the worst experiences were amazing, because they were together, because that's not just Vince putting a brave face on things to make Howard feel good. It's the truth: everything is amazing in some way, as long as they're together, and they're much better off focusing on having new amazing experiences, rather than dwelling on what they did in the past.
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