BBL Fanfic PG-13 "What a Man Will Try to Drown"
A song fic in three parts prompted by Marianne Faithful's "Strange Weather", Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" and White Stripes "There's No Home for You Here". Written for Big Bang Land.
Strange a woman tries to save what a man will try to drown.
Beverly read the letter over and over again until she knew it by heart.
Then she read it again.
It had been her lifelong dream to work at an Ivy League university, the ultimate in prestige. The day she was welcomed to Princeton had been the happiest day of her life before she met her husband, before she had three children.
She had been primarily a psychiatrist then, only tangentially interested in neuroscience.
The University of Southern California had been courting her for a while but she'd always been firm in her refusal. Her home and her family were in New Jersey. She didn't want to up-root her children and her husband was the head of his department. She couldn't expect him to sacrifice his career for hers, not when she was doing just fine at Princeton.
USC was offering her what would essentially be her own department. She would handpick her research team and focus entirely on her own work.
Leonard was in his junior year of high school, she couldn't move him now. They might be willing to extend the offer for a year and a half until he went away to college but then she'd be in the same position with Michael. It wasn't going to happen. It was the opportunity of a lifetime and it wasn't going to happen.
She never discussed the offer with her husband, Edwin, she never saw the point. A year later, Edwin decided to spend a year in Papua New Guinea. When she asked, "What about the children?" He said they would be fine with her; they were nearly men. When she asked, "What about us?" He said one year would hardly matter; their marriage wasn't that frail.
That was the last time she tried to make him choose his family first. If he didn't care, why should she?
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Beverly didn't miss Edwin when he was gone and, to her mind, he never really came back. She had immersed herself more fully in her work than ever. Leonard was at Harvard and Michael was so engrossed in extra-circular activities, he was rarely home. For the first time since giving birth to her daughter, her time was fully her own. She hired a maid to come in once a week and frequently ate her meals out.
She had always been aware of the inequity in her marriage. Like most couples, the majority of the child and homecare responsibilities had fallen to her as the wife. Even though they worked essentially the same job at the same place: she did the lion's share of the cooking, the cleaning and it was she that monitored the children's development. Even with the boys, it fell to her to explain sexual intercourse and inform them on the safest available practices and the practicality of masturbation. Edwin insisted she was better suited to the task as a psychiatrist. As a psychiatrist, she knew her husband was being a big baby. She hadn't argued the subject with him though.
The fact was, for the sake of her future daughter-in-laws, she didn't want Edwin telling her sons about sex. The boys may have been uncomfortable hearing about the importance of stimulating the clitoris but she felt the available texts on the subject where either too clinical or too vague to be sufficiently informative.
Now that she was truly on her own, she realized she'd always been alone.
I've not been really looking forward to the performance
But there's my cue and there's a question on your face
Fortunately I have come across an answer
Which is go away
And do not leave a trace
"Beverly, I'm so sorry. It was a mistake and I don't expect you to forgive me."
Edwin wore a hangdog expression that reminded her so much of Leonard, she wanted to slap the look off his face. He had no right to look like her son.
"You would be a fool if you expected my forgiveness," Beverly replied in what she hoped was an even tone, "What you've done is unforgiveable."
"I never intended for it to go so far. Johanna and I were truly just friends for a year before anything physical happened between us..."
"I'm not talking about you having sex with some waitress. I don't care who you have sex with and that is a statement about your sexual proficiency and not my disinterest in our marriage," Beverly snapped, the resentment of the past twelve years pouring forth, "What is unforgiveable is that you've wasted my time for forty years, keeping one foot in this marriage - doing the least required of you to make it function. Our children may resent me for being so strict but at least they feel something for me. You're a stranger to them."
"That's not fair, Beverly! You're the child development specialist, it only made sense for you to take charge..."
"Stop it, Edwin, stop hiding and stop making excuses. I don't care any more," Beverly took a deep breath, "I don't remember the last time I did. This marriage has been over for a long time, this is simply the impetus to sign the paperwork."
"Just like that?" Edwin asked coldly, "Forty years of marriage and it's just over?"
"I'm not sure it ever really began." Beverly kept her tone cool but her heart was breaking from the truth of her words. She'd deceived herself for so long.
Strange a woman tries to save what a man will try to drown.
Beverly read the letter over and over again until she knew it by heart.
Then she read it again.
It had been her lifelong dream to work at an Ivy League university, the ultimate in prestige. The day she was welcomed to Princeton had been the happiest day of her life before she met her husband, before she had three children.
She had been primarily a psychiatrist then, only tangentially interested in neuroscience.
The University of Southern California had been courting her for a while but she'd always been firm in her refusal. Her home and her family were in New Jersey. She didn't want to up-root her children and her husband was the head of his department. She couldn't expect him to sacrifice his career for hers, not when she was doing just fine at Princeton.
USC was offering her what would essentially be her own department. She would handpick her research team and focus entirely on her own work.
Leonard was in his junior year of high school, she couldn't move him now. They might be willing to extend the offer for a year and a half until he went away to college but then she'd be in the same position with Michael. It wasn't going to happen. It was the opportunity of a lifetime and it wasn't going to happen.
She never discussed the offer with her husband, Edwin, she never saw the point. A year later, Edwin decided to spend a year in Papua New Guinea. When she asked, "What about the children?" He said they would be fine with her; they were nearly men. When she asked, "What about us?" He said one year would hardly matter; their marriage wasn't that frail.
That was the last time she tried to make him choose his family first. If he didn't care, why should she?
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Beverly didn't miss Edwin when he was gone and, to her mind, he never really came back. She had immersed herself more fully in her work than ever. Leonard was at Harvard and Michael was so engrossed in extra-circular activities, he was rarely home. For the first time since giving birth to her daughter, her time was fully her own. She hired a maid to come in once a week and frequently ate her meals out.
She had always been aware of the inequity in her marriage. Like most couples, the majority of the child and homecare responsibilities had fallen to her as the wife. Even though they worked essentially the same job at the same place: she did the lion's share of the cooking, the cleaning and it was she that monitored the children's development. Even with the boys, it fell to her to explain sexual intercourse and inform them on the safest available practices and the practicality of masturbation. Edwin insisted she was better suited to the task as a psychiatrist. As a psychiatrist, she knew her husband was being a big baby. She hadn't argued the subject with him though.
The fact was, for the sake of her future daughter-in-laws, she didn't want Edwin telling her sons about sex. The boys may have been uncomfortable hearing about the importance of stimulating the clitoris but she felt the available texts on the subject where either too clinical or too vague to be sufficiently informative.
Now that she was truly on her own, she realized she'd always been alone.
I've not been really looking forward to the performance
But there's my cue and there's a question on your face
Fortunately I have come across an answer
Which is go away
And do not leave a trace
"Beverly, I'm so sorry. It was a mistake and I don't expect you to forgive me."
Edwin wore a hangdog expression that reminded her so much of Leonard, she wanted to slap the look off his face. He had no right to look like her son.
"You would be a fool if you expected my forgiveness," Beverly replied in what she hoped was an even tone, "What you've done is unforgiveable."
"I never intended for it to go so far. Johanna and I were truly just friends for a year before anything physical happened between us..."
"I'm not talking about you having sex with some waitress. I don't care who you have sex with and that is a statement about your sexual proficiency and not my disinterest in our marriage," Beverly snapped, the resentment of the past twelve years pouring forth, "What is unforgiveable is that you've wasted my time for forty years, keeping one foot in this marriage - doing the least required of you to make it function. Our children may resent me for being so strict but at least they feel something for me. You're a stranger to them."
"That's not fair, Beverly! You're the child development specialist, it only made sense for you to take charge..."
"Stop it, Edwin, stop hiding and stop making excuses. I don't care any more," Beverly took a deep breath, "I don't remember the last time I did. This marriage has been over for a long time, this is simply the impetus to sign the paperwork."
"Just like that?" Edwin asked coldly, "Forty years of marriage and it's just over?"
"I'm not sure it ever really began." Beverly kept her tone cool but her heart was breaking from the truth of her words. She'd deceived herself for so long.