The Heroine (Every Unsatisfied Urge)
Title: The Heroine
Author: Concupid
Pairing: Noel/Julian
Warnings: drug use/abuse/addiction, dub-con (heavily intoxicated)
Rating: R
Summary: Julian thinks about his bad habits
Author’s note: The Hero and The Heroine were meant to be one chapter but it got out of control.
Julian guided his wasted partner to their shared guest room and stood him beside a bed, but Noel apparently lacked the coordination to do anything but collapse on the floor so Julian had to pick him up again and fully place him on the bed.
“Roger’s coke is shit,” Noel mumbled with his eyes closed. He was slowly moving his legs like he was riding an invisible bicycle.
“That’s probably because it’s heroin.”
Noel shot up in the bed. His eyes were wide and childlike with fear and Julian felt compelled to ease his mind.
“Roger has a good connection. You’ll be fine. Next time, maybe you should ask before you start shoving things up your nose.”
Noel looked appealingly contrite, but Julian wasn’t fooled. The more he tried to protect his partner, the more Noel rebelled. Julian had been trying to distance himself from Roger as his old friend’s habit grew more worrisome, but it was hard. He and Roger had tried everything under the sun together as teenagers, but Roger was moving into scary territory and Julian felt himself building a wall between them, even though it felt selfish and wrong. Julian had to protect himself. He had been watching people cross the line between hard-partying ‘life-of-the-party’ into ‘scary addict’ since he was a teen. If there was one thing Julian knew, it was that he was incapable of saving other people. He could barely manage to take care of himself. He had his list of rules that were meant to keep him safe, though even he knew they were arbitrary.
But even as his instincts told him to stay away from Roger, he couldn’t harden his heart to one of his oldest friends. It was one of the many things Julian and Noel had in common: they didn’t give friends up easily.
Julian settled himself on the bed next to Noel and prepared to spend the night watching over his partner and making sure he didn’t die. He’d unintentionally introduced Noel to all manner of substances in the course of their friendship and he felt the weight of that responsibility. He’d assumed someone with Noel’s hair had done his share of experimenting with hard drugs. By the time he realized Noel was actually fairly innocent when it came to getting high (and had a dodgy liver), it was too late to undo what he’d done. Now it fell to Julian to try and curtail Noel’s activities. Given that they’d only been in town for two hours and Noel had already snorted heroin, Julian felt he might have been a bit lax in his duties.
“Why the fuck is Roger holding heroin?” Noel mumbled. Julian was reminded of when they first met and Noel had always sounded like he had a mouth full of marbles.
“Because Roger likes the opiates. He always has pain killers… Because Roger is a heroin addict.”
It felt good to say it out loud.
“What are you on?” Noel asked as he took Julian’s hand.
“Couple of lagers.”
Julian didn’t look at Noel. He knew he was a liar and a hypocrite and he was more or less fine with it.
“Don’t be angry,” Noel implored and Julian melted. It was impossible to stay angry with Noel for long. He was like a little kid - incapable of considering consequences more than a day or two in the future. Julian loved Noel for living perpetually in the present, but it was draining to have to worry for both of them.
Noel began kissing Julian’s hand. Sweet, innocent kisses that immediately got Julian hard. He tried to gently pull his hand back, but Noel gripped it tightly and again pressed his lips to the back of Julian’s hand.
“Roger wants you to be angry with me,” Noel murmured as he turned Julian’s hand over. He kissed Julian’s palm and added, “He’s jealous.”
There was nothing childish about Noel’s face and he licked and sucked at Julian’s fingers, but the overall impression of naïve innocence remained.
Julian would have paid any amount of money for a look into Noel’s mind at that moment. Noel was all impulse and barely restrained id and yet he was a mystery to Julian. It was impossible to know where the fantasy ended and the joke began or what role reality played in anything Noel said or did. Noel was sucking his fingers like he was in a soft core porn, but if Julian tried for more than a feel-up, Noel would most likely have a minor breakdown. Julian had seen a few breakdowns in his time, and he never wanted to be the cause.
Roger wasn’t jealous of Noel. He fancied Noel and envied his charm and social ease, but he was not threatened. He knew Noel and Julian’s relationship was woefully lopsided. It was Noel that was jealous of Roger. Noel wanted to be the only man who left Julian confused and frustrated. It was too touchy a subject to discuss, so it continued to fester between the three of them. Noel and Roger would battle for Julian’s attention, but neither of them really wanted to win. Roger wanted more than Julian wanted to give and Noel wanted less.
“You wanna fuck me?” Noel asked. His eyes were glassy and unfocused and inhumanly blue. “Cause I want you to fuck me.”
It was an absurd proposition. Noel had a panic attack at the idea of bumming. For all his flirtation, he also managed to work his fear of anal sex into casual conversations as though he regularly spent his nights trying to protect his virtue from men like Julian.
“Go to sleep, Little Man.”
Noel took Julian’s hand and ran it slowly down his chest and to the erection tenting his worn denim. Julian remained passive as he felt Noel throb in his hand. Handjobs were sometimes permissible. Julian wasn’t sure what Noel got up to with the other men he snogged as Dee cheered him on, but there had been a few occasions where Julian was allowed to put his hand inside Noel’s pants rather than petting him over his clothes.
But even then, Noel hurried things along as though he were eager to have it over with. Like everyone else, Julian frequently allowed himself to be fooled by Noel’s aesthetic. He looked like a wanton, androgynous sprite with no inhibitions. In reality, Noel had as many hang-ups as Julian. Noel had spent his life being harassed about his appearance. There had been times where Julian was able to stand up for Noel and act as the protector he should be with his size and age advantage, but usually he was restraining Noel as he went from the jugular of opponents twice his size.
“Whatever you want, Ju. Anything,” Noel cooed.
Julian was almost drunk enough to play along. Almost. Noel hung on as Julian tried to free his hand.
“C’mon, Ju. I know what you want.”
Before he could think better of it, Julian snapped, “You have no idea what I want.”
He pulled his hand free and set about removing Noel’s trainers.
“You need to sleep this off,” Julian ordered. “Now stop your nonsense and get under the covers.”
Julian reconsidered his word choice when Noel peeled off his skin tight Stones tee-shirt.
“It’s time for you to get some sleep, and for me to spend the rest of my night making sure your heart keeps beating since you don’t have the sense…”
Julian trailed off as Noel wriggled out of his flares. Despite living on sweets, Noel was painfully thin. It wasn’t something Julian generally found appealing in men, but as always, Noel was the exception.
Julian remained still as Noel pushed him back onto the bed and climbed into his lap.
“You’re so beautiful,” Noel whispered. “You look like you’re made out of marble, but you’re all soft and warm…”
“That’s sweet of you, heroin, but I need to speak to Noel right now.”
“I mean it, Ju. I love you so much and I hate that Roger gets to touch you when I don’t.”
Noel was grinding himself against Julian and it was getting difficult to remember why it would be a bad idea to give Noel a proper shag. Petty concerns like morals and friendship paled in comparison to what Noel seemed so keen to offer.
But Julian wasn’t nearly drunk enough to convince himself it would be okay. Noel nearly fell off the bed trying to get his pants off. Julian was not about to have sex in his former uni roommate’s guest room with someone too high to get undressed without risking injury and he certainly wasn’t going to do something he’d regret with Noel right before they played a series of gigs. They were nothing without their chemistry and no one was going to pay to see them carefully avoiding one another’s eyes as they made jokes about Polo mints.
Naked, Noel straddled Julian’s waist and gave him a slow and passionate kiss. Julian loved kissing Noel, who was all unfettered enthusiasm and tongue. The very first time Julian kissed Noel, he’d used teasing Lee Mack as an excuse, but he’d been surprised by Noel’s eager response. Instead of kissing tightly closed lips as he’d expected, Julian had ended up with Noel’s tongue in his mouth. Who could fault Julian for the years he’d spent finding excuses to kiss Noel?
And who could blame Julian for taking advantage of his current situation?
Julian rolled Noel onto his back and began covering his naked body with blankets while Noel giggled and squirmed.
“Everything feels tickly,” Noel said as he wiggled about. It was somehow worse than having Noel naked in his lap. His partner looked joyful and sexy and wild-eyed and Julian just wanted to kiss Noel and bask in his energy.
“A snuggle?” Noel pleaded. “Just a little snuggle and I’ll leave you alone. Please?”
Julian reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled under the sheets and into Noel’s scrawny arms. He held Noel tight and kissed his crazy hair.
“Don’t have sex with Roger any more,” Noel murmured into Julian’s shirt. “Just me.”
“Roger and I don’t have sex. We dated and broke up before I ever met you,” Julian reminded him. “This competition is all in your drug-addled head.”
Noel was never jealous of Julian’s girlfriends. He’d gotten quite serious with women while Noel was nothing but supportive. After all, Noel was deeply in love with Dee. It was only Julian’s biannual trysts with Roger that threatened Noel, as though Julian could only have time to hardly ever sleep with one man at a time.
“He doesn’t deserve you,” Noel continued. “I can take care of you better. Whatever you want. Anything.”
Julian didn’t argue. Noel was full of opiate inspired love and there was no point in reasoning with him. He tried to scoot away when Noel groped him through his jeans, but it was hard to remember there was a reason to keep his distance when they were so warmly snuggled together. Julian couldn’t remember how much he’d had to drink, but he felt warm and hazy and Noel’s chilled skin called for a warm cuddle. Julian kissed Noel’s pale cheek and neck and tried to remember he was supposed to be playing nursemaid. It was his fault Noel was out of his head. He should have warned Noel about Roger’s heroin use, but he felt a strange desire to protect Roger from the judgment of others, even people like Noel who were unlikely to judge. Acknowledging Roger had a problem hit too close and Julian wasn’t ready to face what it meant about his own life style.
Noel tugged at Julian’s hair, encouraging him to move lower. Noel never allowed Julian to suck him off, he always seemed scandalized by the very idea, but he was sending pretty clear signals in that direction.
Julian licked Noel’s bellybutton, causing the younger man to squirm.
“You can fuck me,” Noel whispered. “I want it so much.”
It seemed like a lesser offense to run his tongue along Noel’s cock. Noel tangled both hands in Julian’s hair.
“Fuck me.”
Julian no sooner took Noel’s cock in his mouth than he had a mouthful of semen.
“Oops,” Noel whispered.
Julian wrapped his arms around Noel, refusing to let the younger man touch him. His own behavior had been entirely too shady and he felt he needed to draw the line somewhere. He was going to have to face Noel in the morning and every night for weeks as they tested out their radio show material.
“You can still fuck me,” Noel said with chuckle. “Still up for it.”
“I have never fucked Roger.”
Noel’s forehead crinkled in thought and then he threw his body around Julian’s, wrapping him in a full-body hug.
Julian was tempted to tease Noel, and ask if he was still up for a bumming now that he knew it wasn’t something Roger had ever offered. There was a part of him that wanted to put Noel on the spot and make him squirm.
But he loved Noel, so instead, he held him and hushed him as Noel declared his love. Noel named all the reasons Julian was ‘genius’ and swore his undying devotion until he passed out mid-sentence. Julian was used to such endearments, always slurred by too much alcohol or rendered incoherent by cocaine. He knew that Noel meant every word as he said it, and that in the morning, they would laugh about how wasted they’d been before moving back to safer topics. It had all happened before and it would all happen again for the two boys who could never quite grow up.
Author: Concupid
Pairing: Noel/Julian
Warnings: drug use/abuse/addiction, dub-con (heavily intoxicated)
Rating: R
Summary: Julian thinks about his bad habits
Author’s note: The Hero and The Heroine were meant to be one chapter but it got out of control.
Julian guided his wasted partner to their shared guest room and stood him beside a bed, but Noel apparently lacked the coordination to do anything but collapse on the floor so Julian had to pick him up again and fully place him on the bed.
“Roger’s coke is shit,” Noel mumbled with his eyes closed. He was slowly moving his legs like he was riding an invisible bicycle.
“That’s probably because it’s heroin.”
Noel shot up in the bed. His eyes were wide and childlike with fear and Julian felt compelled to ease his mind.
“Roger has a good connection. You’ll be fine. Next time, maybe you should ask before you start shoving things up your nose.”
Noel looked appealingly contrite, but Julian wasn’t fooled. The more he tried to protect his partner, the more Noel rebelled. Julian had been trying to distance himself from Roger as his old friend’s habit grew more worrisome, but it was hard. He and Roger had tried everything under the sun together as teenagers, but Roger was moving into scary territory and Julian felt himself building a wall between them, even though it felt selfish and wrong. Julian had to protect himself. He had been watching people cross the line between hard-partying ‘life-of-the-party’ into ‘scary addict’ since he was a teen. If there was one thing Julian knew, it was that he was incapable of saving other people. He could barely manage to take care of himself. He had his list of rules that were meant to keep him safe, though even he knew they were arbitrary.
But even as his instincts told him to stay away from Roger, he couldn’t harden his heart to one of his oldest friends. It was one of the many things Julian and Noel had in common: they didn’t give friends up easily.
Julian settled himself on the bed next to Noel and prepared to spend the night watching over his partner and making sure he didn’t die. He’d unintentionally introduced Noel to all manner of substances in the course of their friendship and he felt the weight of that responsibility. He’d assumed someone with Noel’s hair had done his share of experimenting with hard drugs. By the time he realized Noel was actually fairly innocent when it came to getting high (and had a dodgy liver), it was too late to undo what he’d done. Now it fell to Julian to try and curtail Noel’s activities. Given that they’d only been in town for two hours and Noel had already snorted heroin, Julian felt he might have been a bit lax in his duties.
“Why the fuck is Roger holding heroin?” Noel mumbled. Julian was reminded of when they first met and Noel had always sounded like he had a mouth full of marbles.
“Because Roger likes the opiates. He always has pain killers… Because Roger is a heroin addict.”
It felt good to say it out loud.
“What are you on?” Noel asked as he took Julian’s hand.
“Couple of lagers.”
Julian didn’t look at Noel. He knew he was a liar and a hypocrite and he was more or less fine with it.
“Don’t be angry,” Noel implored and Julian melted. It was impossible to stay angry with Noel for long. He was like a little kid - incapable of considering consequences more than a day or two in the future. Julian loved Noel for living perpetually in the present, but it was draining to have to worry for both of them.
Noel began kissing Julian’s hand. Sweet, innocent kisses that immediately got Julian hard. He tried to gently pull his hand back, but Noel gripped it tightly and again pressed his lips to the back of Julian’s hand.
“Roger wants you to be angry with me,” Noel murmured as he turned Julian’s hand over. He kissed Julian’s palm and added, “He’s jealous.”
There was nothing childish about Noel’s face and he licked and sucked at Julian’s fingers, but the overall impression of naïve innocence remained.
Julian would have paid any amount of money for a look into Noel’s mind at that moment. Noel was all impulse and barely restrained id and yet he was a mystery to Julian. It was impossible to know where the fantasy ended and the joke began or what role reality played in anything Noel said or did. Noel was sucking his fingers like he was in a soft core porn, but if Julian tried for more than a feel-up, Noel would most likely have a minor breakdown. Julian had seen a few breakdowns in his time, and he never wanted to be the cause.
Roger wasn’t jealous of Noel. He fancied Noel and envied his charm and social ease, but he was not threatened. He knew Noel and Julian’s relationship was woefully lopsided. It was Noel that was jealous of Roger. Noel wanted to be the only man who left Julian confused and frustrated. It was too touchy a subject to discuss, so it continued to fester between the three of them. Noel and Roger would battle for Julian’s attention, but neither of them really wanted to win. Roger wanted more than Julian wanted to give and Noel wanted less.
“You wanna fuck me?” Noel asked. His eyes were glassy and unfocused and inhumanly blue. “Cause I want you to fuck me.”
It was an absurd proposition. Noel had a panic attack at the idea of bumming. For all his flirtation, he also managed to work his fear of anal sex into casual conversations as though he regularly spent his nights trying to protect his virtue from men like Julian.
“Go to sleep, Little Man.”
Noel took Julian’s hand and ran it slowly down his chest and to the erection tenting his worn denim. Julian remained passive as he felt Noel throb in his hand. Handjobs were sometimes permissible. Julian wasn’t sure what Noel got up to with the other men he snogged as Dee cheered him on, but there had been a few occasions where Julian was allowed to put his hand inside Noel’s pants rather than petting him over his clothes.
But even then, Noel hurried things along as though he were eager to have it over with. Like everyone else, Julian frequently allowed himself to be fooled by Noel’s aesthetic. He looked like a wanton, androgynous sprite with no inhibitions. In reality, Noel had as many hang-ups as Julian. Noel had spent his life being harassed about his appearance. There had been times where Julian was able to stand up for Noel and act as the protector he should be with his size and age advantage, but usually he was restraining Noel as he went from the jugular of opponents twice his size.
“Whatever you want, Ju. Anything,” Noel cooed.
Julian was almost drunk enough to play along. Almost. Noel hung on as Julian tried to free his hand.
“C’mon, Ju. I know what you want.”
Before he could think better of it, Julian snapped, “You have no idea what I want.”
He pulled his hand free and set about removing Noel’s trainers.
“You need to sleep this off,” Julian ordered. “Now stop your nonsense and get under the covers.”
Julian reconsidered his word choice when Noel peeled off his skin tight Stones tee-shirt.
“It’s time for you to get some sleep, and for me to spend the rest of my night making sure your heart keeps beating since you don’t have the sense…”
Julian trailed off as Noel wriggled out of his flares. Despite living on sweets, Noel was painfully thin. It wasn’t something Julian generally found appealing in men, but as always, Noel was the exception.
Julian remained still as Noel pushed him back onto the bed and climbed into his lap.
“You’re so beautiful,” Noel whispered. “You look like you’re made out of marble, but you’re all soft and warm…”
“That’s sweet of you, heroin, but I need to speak to Noel right now.”
“I mean it, Ju. I love you so much and I hate that Roger gets to touch you when I don’t.”
Noel was grinding himself against Julian and it was getting difficult to remember why it would be a bad idea to give Noel a proper shag. Petty concerns like morals and friendship paled in comparison to what Noel seemed so keen to offer.
But Julian wasn’t nearly drunk enough to convince himself it would be okay. Noel nearly fell off the bed trying to get his pants off. Julian was not about to have sex in his former uni roommate’s guest room with someone too high to get undressed without risking injury and he certainly wasn’t going to do something he’d regret with Noel right before they played a series of gigs. They were nothing without their chemistry and no one was going to pay to see them carefully avoiding one another’s eyes as they made jokes about Polo mints.
Naked, Noel straddled Julian’s waist and gave him a slow and passionate kiss. Julian loved kissing Noel, who was all unfettered enthusiasm and tongue. The very first time Julian kissed Noel, he’d used teasing Lee Mack as an excuse, but he’d been surprised by Noel’s eager response. Instead of kissing tightly closed lips as he’d expected, Julian had ended up with Noel’s tongue in his mouth. Who could fault Julian for the years he’d spent finding excuses to kiss Noel?
And who could blame Julian for taking advantage of his current situation?
Julian rolled Noel onto his back and began covering his naked body with blankets while Noel giggled and squirmed.
“Everything feels tickly,” Noel said as he wiggled about. It was somehow worse than having Noel naked in his lap. His partner looked joyful and sexy and wild-eyed and Julian just wanted to kiss Noel and bask in his energy.
“A snuggle?” Noel pleaded. “Just a little snuggle and I’ll leave you alone. Please?”
Julian reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled under the sheets and into Noel’s scrawny arms. He held Noel tight and kissed his crazy hair.
“Don’t have sex with Roger any more,” Noel murmured into Julian’s shirt. “Just me.”
“Roger and I don’t have sex. We dated and broke up before I ever met you,” Julian reminded him. “This competition is all in your drug-addled head.”
Noel was never jealous of Julian’s girlfriends. He’d gotten quite serious with women while Noel was nothing but supportive. After all, Noel was deeply in love with Dee. It was only Julian’s biannual trysts with Roger that threatened Noel, as though Julian could only have time to hardly ever sleep with one man at a time.
“He doesn’t deserve you,” Noel continued. “I can take care of you better. Whatever you want. Anything.”
Julian didn’t argue. Noel was full of opiate inspired love and there was no point in reasoning with him. He tried to scoot away when Noel groped him through his jeans, but it was hard to remember there was a reason to keep his distance when they were so warmly snuggled together. Julian couldn’t remember how much he’d had to drink, but he felt warm and hazy and Noel’s chilled skin called for a warm cuddle. Julian kissed Noel’s pale cheek and neck and tried to remember he was supposed to be playing nursemaid. It was his fault Noel was out of his head. He should have warned Noel about Roger’s heroin use, but he felt a strange desire to protect Roger from the judgment of others, even people like Noel who were unlikely to judge. Acknowledging Roger had a problem hit too close and Julian wasn’t ready to face what it meant about his own life style.
Noel tugged at Julian’s hair, encouraging him to move lower. Noel never allowed Julian to suck him off, he always seemed scandalized by the very idea, but he was sending pretty clear signals in that direction.
Julian licked Noel’s bellybutton, causing the younger man to squirm.
“You can fuck me,” Noel whispered. “I want it so much.”
It seemed like a lesser offense to run his tongue along Noel’s cock. Noel tangled both hands in Julian’s hair.
“Fuck me.”
Julian no sooner took Noel’s cock in his mouth than he had a mouthful of semen.
“Oops,” Noel whispered.
Julian wrapped his arms around Noel, refusing to let the younger man touch him. His own behavior had been entirely too shady and he felt he needed to draw the line somewhere. He was going to have to face Noel in the morning and every night for weeks as they tested out their radio show material.
“You can still fuck me,” Noel said with chuckle. “Still up for it.”
“I have never fucked Roger.”
Noel’s forehead crinkled in thought and then he threw his body around Julian’s, wrapping him in a full-body hug.
Julian was tempted to tease Noel, and ask if he was still up for a bumming now that he knew it wasn’t something Roger had ever offered. There was a part of him that wanted to put Noel on the spot and make him squirm.
But he loved Noel, so instead, he held him and hushed him as Noel declared his love. Noel named all the reasons Julian was ‘genius’ and swore his undying devotion until he passed out mid-sentence. Julian was used to such endearments, always slurred by too much alcohol or rendered incoherent by cocaine. He knew that Noel meant every word as he said it, and that in the morning, they would laugh about how wasted they’d been before moving back to safer topics. It had all happened before and it would all happen again for the two boys who could never quite grow up.