Friends
When I was in school, I didn't find my "true" friends till 8th and 9th grade, when I found kinship with the other misfits in my class--girls who were smart and offbeat and considered being called "weird" a compliment. Nearly all of them remain my friends to this day, though we don't see each other much since I up and moved to a different coast.
I would consider most of my close adult friends offbeat, some more than others. :) Sadly, I rarely see most of them either for various reasons.
And now Max is in school and has reached the long-awaited stage of actually wanting to play with specific other kids. Like me, though for mostly different reasons, he doesn't fit the mold of typical kids. I wanted so badly for him to pass for normal-but-quirky that I hid his diagnosis from the other parents when we had playdates. In retrospect this was probably not the right decision. I missed both a pre-emptive explanation opportunity and a general education opportunity. And most of the time, even when the playdate went well, we weren't invited back. After a really social October... nothing. Repeated attempts to get together with the boy Max likes best have resulted in declined invitations and last-minute cancellations without attempts to reschedule by the other mom even though mom and son seem to genuinely like us when they do see us; no idea what's up with that. The only birthday party Max was invited to all school year was the new kid who invited everyone in the class. (Of the 14 kids Max invited to his own party, only 4 showed up.)
That new kid turns out also to have an IEP and receive special services at school, though for different reasons than Max. We did have a few playdates with him and his mom over the summer; two went well, one ended badly, but the other mom is still interested in getting together so we're going to do something next weekend. In talking to her at our first playdate, I felt a great sense of relief. Because while some of her son's issues are different, some are similar, and she understands what it's like to be the parent of a kid who's more challenging than most. Even though I still occasionally need to apologize for Max's behavior, I don't feel embarrassed by it when we're with her and her son.
And this weekend we're getting together (at Max's request) with a girl we've known for a while; her mom is close friends with our nanny and the kids have played together before when the nanny has had to watch them both after school. She also has behavioral issues, from what I understand, though the mom has not had her tested for anything.
And so I'm wondering, is banding with the misfits Max's future too? Is that where we will both find acceptance? And am I OK with that? These are the questions I've been wrestling with this week.
I should point out that I don't mean "misfit" as a pejorative term; I just mean literally, people who are intrinsically different from the bulk of society, who don't fit the mold of what's expected.
I would consider most of my close adult friends offbeat, some more than others. :) Sadly, I rarely see most of them either for various reasons.
And now Max is in school and has reached the long-awaited stage of actually wanting to play with specific other kids. Like me, though for mostly different reasons, he doesn't fit the mold of typical kids. I wanted so badly for him to pass for normal-but-quirky that I hid his diagnosis from the other parents when we had playdates. In retrospect this was probably not the right decision. I missed both a pre-emptive explanation opportunity and a general education opportunity. And most of the time, even when the playdate went well, we weren't invited back. After a really social October... nothing. Repeated attempts to get together with the boy Max likes best have resulted in declined invitations and last-minute cancellations without attempts to reschedule by the other mom even though mom and son seem to genuinely like us when they do see us; no idea what's up with that. The only birthday party Max was invited to all school year was the new kid who invited everyone in the class. (Of the 14 kids Max invited to his own party, only 4 showed up.)
That new kid turns out also to have an IEP and receive special services at school, though for different reasons than Max. We did have a few playdates with him and his mom over the summer; two went well, one ended badly, but the other mom is still interested in getting together so we're going to do something next weekend. In talking to her at our first playdate, I felt a great sense of relief. Because while some of her son's issues are different, some are similar, and she understands what it's like to be the parent of a kid who's more challenging than most. Even though I still occasionally need to apologize for Max's behavior, I don't feel embarrassed by it when we're with her and her son.
And this weekend we're getting together (at Max's request) with a girl we've known for a while; her mom is close friends with our nanny and the kids have played together before when the nanny has had to watch them both after school. She also has behavioral issues, from what I understand, though the mom has not had her tested for anything.
And so I'm wondering, is banding with the misfits Max's future too? Is that where we will both find acceptance? And am I OK with that? These are the questions I've been wrestling with this week.
I should point out that I don't mean "misfit" as a pejorative term; I just mean literally, people who are intrinsically different from the bulk of society, who don't fit the mold of what's expected.