Feeling strangely fine
Sorry boot that, folks...I promise that future entries won't be that long-winded! Well, after the unfortunate events of Friday, things began looking up. It did me alot of good to stay with Erin this weekend. And to be in the mountains again....simply wonderful...felt like I was coming home. Friday night when I got to her dorm, I was too drained to do much of anything but vent and then collapse into bed. Saturday morning, the tears on my pillow had dried, the sun came up as it always does, and I once again began the process of reclaiming my life for myself.
I spent some time perusing this awesome book of Erin's called something like "Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers." It's about the history of lesbianism in America, and it was really fascinating. I didn't really read much of it; I just flipped straight to the center where the photographs were and studied the faces of all these women who loved women, back when it didn't have a name or place in society. Sometimes I forget that lesbians even existed back in the day. It's like this entire side of history that I never learned anything about, this secret lifestyle that who-knows-how-many faceless women were leading. And on a side note, if it weren't for the secrecy and prejudice back then (minor details), I would love to be a lesbian in the fifties. For some reason, I find fifties women soooooo hot. (Note my Betty Page obsession...) I don't know why. They're so...classy. And feminine. Or something. I kept turning back to that book throughout the weekend and looking at the old pictures; it was comforting somehow. It was an affirmation of a side of me that hasn't gotten alot of fresh air lately.
Saturday, after vegging out and watching "The Goonies", Erin and I headed downtown. Fed our faces, bought a rawkin newsboy cap, then headed down to Malaprop's, this bookstore/coffeehouse. Lo and behold, when we walked in there was this woman giving a talk who looked strangely familiar....long gray hair and piercing blue eyes. It struck me: I had seen this very same woman countless times at Elmo's Diner, back in Carrboro! Of all the coincidences! It turned out that her name is Susan, and she was talking about her book, entitled "Third Eye Open," about increasing your psychic awareness. As Erin and I walked in, she was talking about coincidences and synchronism in our lives...just as I was thinking what a coincidence it was to run into her here in Asheville. Curiouser and curiouser. We sat down and listened to her talk; after a time I had a revelation. All this talk about psychic matters made me realize that in recent months, I've lost touch with so much of my spiritual side. I've been quite a bad Wiccan lately; I let Midsummer pass with a shrug, and I don't even REMEMBER whether I celebrated the Equinox or not...oopsies. Being Wiccan has never been just a part of my identity; it IS my identity, and to lose touch with that meant losing touch with everything that makes up me. I don't know what set this in motion. At some point, I started defining myself as part of my relationships, and that's when everything started going to shit. I took Susan's appearance as a reminder to get back in touch with that part of myself.
Well, in another happy coincidence, I had just enough extra money to buy Susan's book because Kevin had paid for my dinner and movie the night before. When I brought the book up for her to sign, she actually remembered me from Elmo's! She wrote a very warm message in the front of my book, and I left the bookstore in high spirits. This called for some celebratory coffee, so we traipsed off to Beanstreets. As I was walking back from the bathroom at one point, I was stopped by the older, stern-looking man behind the counter, who just minutes before had told me to put my shoes back on because it violated the health code. "I just wanted to tell you that you have beautiful hair," he told me. "And a beautiful face, too. Man, if I was a bit younger, I'd be chasing you all over this place by now." Ordinarily, I would consider this creepy; but for some reason, it just made my mood get even brighter.
Once we got back to campus, Erin wanted to show me a certain pasture. She lead me through this twisting path through the woods in total blackness. At times, it was so dark that I couldn't even see her in front of me, and had to follow the sound of her footsteps to find my way. Finally we emerged from the trees and found this huge expanse of pasture rolling out before us, with the dark outlines of mountains rising out of the mist in the distance. I stood up and stretched out my arms in the breeze, connecting with everything like I hadn't done in so long...feeling energy flow and tingle through my hands. My little reverie was then interrupted by a random guy DRIVING through the field in a pickup truck. Erin and I sat there watching it like "What the fuck???" He drove slowly up the hill...when he started turning in our direction and parked a short ways from us, we got creeped out and ran away. It was a relief to be back in the safe, all-enveloping darkness of the woods...until I had to stumble blindly down some stairs in the dark.
Now I'm back in Chapel Hill, back in my normal routine, but I feel so much different. For the first time in forever, I feel invigorated, excited to be alive. There are so many ideas whirling around in my head that I feel like my brain is going to hemorrhage. Tonight, I checked my email and found two notes from my father; however, they're going to remain unread for the time being, as both are sure to be nasty and I don't care to have my mood dampened at the moment. So, this has been yet another long-winded entry and it is well past my bedtime. My apologies. Goodnight my pretties...and thanks to Erin for an awesome weekend!
I spent some time perusing this awesome book of Erin's called something like "Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers." It's about the history of lesbianism in America, and it was really fascinating. I didn't really read much of it; I just flipped straight to the center where the photographs were and studied the faces of all these women who loved women, back when it didn't have a name or place in society. Sometimes I forget that lesbians even existed back in the day. It's like this entire side of history that I never learned anything about, this secret lifestyle that who-knows-how-many faceless women were leading. And on a side note, if it weren't for the secrecy and prejudice back then (minor details), I would love to be a lesbian in the fifties. For some reason, I find fifties women soooooo hot. (Note my Betty Page obsession...) I don't know why. They're so...classy. And feminine. Or something. I kept turning back to that book throughout the weekend and looking at the old pictures; it was comforting somehow. It was an affirmation of a side of me that hasn't gotten alot of fresh air lately.
Saturday, after vegging out and watching "The Goonies", Erin and I headed downtown. Fed our faces, bought a rawkin newsboy cap, then headed down to Malaprop's, this bookstore/coffeehouse. Lo and behold, when we walked in there was this woman giving a talk who looked strangely familiar....long gray hair and piercing blue eyes. It struck me: I had seen this very same woman countless times at Elmo's Diner, back in Carrboro! Of all the coincidences! It turned out that her name is Susan, and she was talking about her book, entitled "Third Eye Open," about increasing your psychic awareness. As Erin and I walked in, she was talking about coincidences and synchronism in our lives...just as I was thinking what a coincidence it was to run into her here in Asheville. Curiouser and curiouser. We sat down and listened to her talk; after a time I had a revelation. All this talk about psychic matters made me realize that in recent months, I've lost touch with so much of my spiritual side. I've been quite a bad Wiccan lately; I let Midsummer pass with a shrug, and I don't even REMEMBER whether I celebrated the Equinox or not...oopsies. Being Wiccan has never been just a part of my identity; it IS my identity, and to lose touch with that meant losing touch with everything that makes up me. I don't know what set this in motion. At some point, I started defining myself as part of my relationships, and that's when everything started going to shit. I took Susan's appearance as a reminder to get back in touch with that part of myself.
Well, in another happy coincidence, I had just enough extra money to buy Susan's book because Kevin had paid for my dinner and movie the night before. When I brought the book up for her to sign, she actually remembered me from Elmo's! She wrote a very warm message in the front of my book, and I left the bookstore in high spirits. This called for some celebratory coffee, so we traipsed off to Beanstreets. As I was walking back from the bathroom at one point, I was stopped by the older, stern-looking man behind the counter, who just minutes before had told me to put my shoes back on because it violated the health code. "I just wanted to tell you that you have beautiful hair," he told me. "And a beautiful face, too. Man, if I was a bit younger, I'd be chasing you all over this place by now." Ordinarily, I would consider this creepy; but for some reason, it just made my mood get even brighter.
Once we got back to campus, Erin wanted to show me a certain pasture. She lead me through this twisting path through the woods in total blackness. At times, it was so dark that I couldn't even see her in front of me, and had to follow the sound of her footsteps to find my way. Finally we emerged from the trees and found this huge expanse of pasture rolling out before us, with the dark outlines of mountains rising out of the mist in the distance. I stood up and stretched out my arms in the breeze, connecting with everything like I hadn't done in so long...feeling energy flow and tingle through my hands. My little reverie was then interrupted by a random guy DRIVING through the field in a pickup truck. Erin and I sat there watching it like "What the fuck???" He drove slowly up the hill...when he started turning in our direction and parked a short ways from us, we got creeped out and ran away. It was a relief to be back in the safe, all-enveloping darkness of the woods...until I had to stumble blindly down some stairs in the dark.
Now I'm back in Chapel Hill, back in my normal routine, but I feel so much different. For the first time in forever, I feel invigorated, excited to be alive. There are so many ideas whirling around in my head that I feel like my brain is going to hemorrhage. Tonight, I checked my email and found two notes from my father; however, they're going to remain unread for the time being, as both are sure to be nasty and I don't care to have my mood dampened at the moment. So, this has been yet another long-winded entry and it is well past my bedtime. My apologies. Goodnight my pretties...and thanks to Erin for an awesome weekend!