Guide to Reality TV
I’ve sinned. But through it, I’ve gained knowledge. Today I will officially release my analysis of “Survivor” the reality show.
Having limited channels on my television, I am forced to watch whatever is on. I thought about alternatives to television, but there aren’t any. NO…THERE AREN’T ANY! I can’t read books, because I already know how they will end. If I don’t know the story, I’m not going to waste twelve hours of my life to find out that the book sucks. This leaves robbing banks or walking around in the nude as the only remaining alternatives to television. Both of which are illegal in most states.
Analysis of Survivor:
Survivor is the industry standard. All other reality-based programs are reincarnated versions of the original “Survivor.” It’s true, if you don’t believe me, then obviously you have never seen any reality television, and I must say…I envy you. Reality-based programming follows a few general rules which I will for first discuss and then display in the form of make-believe example scenarios.
1) Elimination- In all reality-based programming, actors (or as the industry prefers to call them: contestants) are “eliminated” until one remains and “wins” the spoils. Contestants (or I prefer to call them: Lab Rats used for Our Viewing Entertainment Just like Porn Stars Are, Except They Make a Hell of a Lot More Money) are not eliminated at random, no that’s not entertaining, instead the actor him/her-self have a chance to fail at a task that 99% of the viewers regard as something that they could do blind folded. Others also have the ability to vote whomever they wish off the show. The final result…elimination! This leaves the eliminated contestant poor, disappointed, and pissed off at their fellow man.
2) Alliances - This is a relatively new term as far as reality-based programs are concerned. Shows like Survivor take the once “cool” term “alliance” and overuse it to a point where even fifth grades refuse to utter it. Alliances aren’t even real alliances. Instead of meaning “I promise!” it’s somehow morphed into “Yeah, well, maybe!”
3) Catch Phrases - Show hosts are now given catch phrases that they utter at least once per show. The industry uses these catch phrases as “free advertisements!” Don’t believe me? Have you ever heard this uttered on the street?: “Your fired!” “The tribe has spoken!” or “You are the weakest link!” That’s right, I’ll bet you can even match the quote with the show…can’t you?
Examples of the three rules in practice: “Survivor”
Eric: Maggie, can I talk to you alone? Ok, we totally gotta vote Keith off the island. He’s a threat to us (code for: He’s a threat to ME), and besides…he’s black.
Maggie: Sure thing, let’s start an alliance. It’s you and me towards the end brother.
-later-
Maggie: Keith, man, we totally gotta start an alliance and vote off Eric. Man he was talking so much smack about you.
Keith: Yeah man, whatever gets me outa the dog house. This is great, I’ve alliance offers from everyone today. I thought for sure I’d be kicked off the island like all the other minorities were.
-later-
Eric: Keith, my brotha…Maggie’s evil! She said she was gonna vote you off cuz your black, we should form an alliance.
-at tribal counsel-
Everyone votes off Keith because he’s black, the host says “the tribe has spoken.” Keith kills everyone because they lied to him.