Meghan O'Keefe's Sophomoric Thoughts For 2003-2004
I find it kind of ironic that this year I'm writing my Sophomoric Thoughts in my sophomore.
In fact this year will most likely become the most defining year of my life. Last summer, I found myself choosing which high school I should attend. While one offered an amazing education, the other offered the music program that I'd always dreamed of? What else was at the latter was my friends. Yes, I had plenty of friends at Peddie, but they weren't my friends. They weren't the people that I'd grown up with, the people that I knew better than I knew myself. The latter school, Hightstown High School, is of course where I ended up.
While this year had so many great moments, it had some painful ones, too. I found it hard to believe that I ultimately lost a friend (possibly two) through actions that neither of us should have pursued. What can I say about this now? Well, seeing as I'm feeling the effects of it now, I regret it. It wasn't worth it, and I don't know why I ever thought it would be. Last summer was the greatest summer that I'd ever had...With the frolicking, the nightly get togethers and someones' house, going to Brooktree...Just hanging out with everyone. Its hard to believe that these people that I spent my whole summer with were people that I barely hung out with in school....I miss everyone from that group last summer.
Of course, I still had plenty of other friends to hang out with. I noticed very quickly that most of the people I hung out with were older than me, and shortly after that, I noticed that most of my life reflected that pattern. Shortly after winter break, I found myself at my older sister's house on Sundays, playing D&D with her fiance and friends. The other people there after my sister went to work? Matt (her fiance), Doug, Tom, Pete, Jay and Buddha. All guys, and except for Matt, all considerably older than me. I had the best time with this group. They were all funny, nice and just...The coolest people to me.
It made me realize that you can find the friends you are looking for in the most random places.
This year went by so quickly to me. From marching band to Boston, everything moved so fast. Its easy to parallel the marching band season and Boston because well, they were both for band. And they were both so fun and great...And they helped me realize that I didn't make a mistake in electing to attend HHS. Not only did HHS live up to my expectations, it surpassed them.
You don't get a second chance at most of your life.
You can't go back and change what you did because it didn't work out. Yes, I did have a time slot in which I could have returned to Peddie, but that deadline was so soon that I wouldn't have been able to judge whether or not HHS would work out by then. So I stuck with HHS, and I still stand by that decision to this day. Hey, that's gotta be good for something.
One of the things that hurt me this year was my relationship with Peter Dacey. Yes, I know I seem like a total bitch to him in my entries, but that's because I have a lot of trouble expressing my frustration sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time...And that's true with a lot of people, and not just him. I find that its especially true with him because I never got that mentally close to a guy. In fact, the only people that have ever known me as well as he did are Chrissie and Anna. I was vulnerable, and he sent me this one email that just killed me. It hurts, to finally think you found that right person, and then you just feel like they tear your heart out. Now I know he'll say I hurt him more or something along those lines, but you know what? No one knows who comes out of things the most hurt, and that's not my point here, so why are we going to waste time debating it?
My point is that I'm sorry for everything I've said, everything I've done. And that's not just to him. That's to everyone I've ever hurt in any way, and I can only pray that that number is not a big one.
Its weird sometimes...You really can't appreciate something until its gone, and I've had that with my friendships with a lot of people recently. It hurts when you know you won't talk to someone again, or at least not the same way as you did a day, week, month, year earlier.
Another thing that's weird sometimes is love. People that know me know that I tend to date at least slightly older guys. I realized why I do this recently. Its pretty mucht the same reason I hang out with older people. Everyone I grew up with was at least six years older than me, so as I grew up and started to really socialize, I ran into one problem.
I struggle to relate with people my own age.
And what's the weirdest part? I have a hard time relating with people just a year or two older than me also. I have the easiest time relating with people that are around my sisters' ages. I can talk to some of my teachers more easily than I can with some of my friends. Its weird.
Anyway, back to the love thang. As most people already know, I have interest in a guy thats a few years older than me. I still don't know what I'm going to do about that. I mean, when was the last time that I liked someone like this? A year and a half ago (if I'm correct). The difference this time? I relate with him so well. I can talk to him so easily...The first time I talked to Peter, I felt like it was awkward...And don't get me wrong, I feel like its awkward talking with a lot of people for the first time. What's driving me crazy now?
He started talking to me in Target one day, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since.
Some things just seem so unbelievable sometimes.
So onto friends...
Its funny how your group of friends can change so quickly sometimes. Like, for me, I try to hang out in as many groups as I can. I don't like the idea of being confined to one group...I can't limit myself to just a few people. And I have actually been making more attempts at hanging out with people my own age...Granted, I haven't been doing well, but I've been trying.
I always thought it was funny in my standard Bio class. There were a few Spanish girls, and I was always nice to them and I tried to help them out with stuff and I talked to them in class. After talking to them in class a few times, they started talking to me outside of class, in lunch and stuff. I just don't get why everyone wasn't naturally nice to them. I've always had a little bit of a problem understanding why people don't get along from the start. Prolly cause that would make the world work peacefully a little bit too well. I'm not saying I'm not a bitch to people. I just won't be a bitch until you give me a reason to.
Ahh...I'm such a romantic sometimes. A lot of people don't realize that, cause I'm usually a passive observer and I don't seem like I would have such strong, emotional views on certain aspects of life. Its prolly because until I get talking, people don't know what I'm really thinking.
I'm not that stupid, I'm only naturally blonde in the summer, and I've got a lot more in me than you could ever imagine.
Thank you for reading Meghan O'Keefe's Sophomoric Thoughts For 2003-2004.
And sorry, folks, but I believe that I may indeed be going "Friends Only" soon.