[fanfiction] The Most Incredible, Awesome, Kick-Ass, Foolproof Date Plan Ever 4/6
Chapter 3 - Step 3
-
Currently:
where: in my room.
when: I don’t want to know how long I’ve been sitting here.
listening: Linkin Park (god I hate this band but… meeeeeh)
watching: my ceiling fan.
-
Here is a detailed breakdown of how the date went. I’ve been sitting in my room since it ended, mourning the fail that is my life. Maybe Ludwig will bring me my food and I can just stay here and never leave… I bet if I promise him porn (yay for being 18) he’d agree…
Roller coaster.
Outcome: Failure.
Water Ride.
Outcome: Failure.
Cotton Candy.
Outcome: Not-as-bad-a-fail-as-the-roller-coaster-or-the-water-ride-but-still-a-fail.
Haunted House.
Outcome: Failure.
Epic failure.
More details included below.
Roller Coaster - 14:30
So we’re going to the roller coaster right because it’s the most hardcore ride and I want Francis and Antonio off our backs and I know for a fact that they both have weak stomachs.
How I Know Both My Friends Are Pukers
Antonio: Back in grade two we were at the playground and Toni was sitting on one of those roundabout things (oh God I’m turning British) eating tomato slices. Francis and I did what any young, annoying children would do.
Suffice to say, his puke had tomato skins in -not diced carrots though (OH GOD, I AM TURNING BRITISH. I hope to God Gott that Art doesn’t read this.))
Francis: I saw him eat Arthur’s food once and he totally threw-up all over Katya (more like BOObYA amirite?)
-Note to Self- Looking back, thinking about Antonio and Francis eating and then blowing chunks probably a main reason the Cotton Candy plan failed. Further research needed-
Okay, so, roller coaster. We wait in line, Tony and Franny being surprisingly polite and quiet. I’m on my toes, talking to Lizzie but constantly checking up on them. They’re planning something. I know it. On the roller coast we go, Francis and Antonio sharing a car with us, them in the back, Elizaveta and I in front.
It starts gooooing up the chain, all slow and Elizaveta is practically bouncing in her seat with excitement, craning her neck to see around and it’s not giving me a bad look at her cleavage. And then I notice it’s a photo one. OKAY. EPIC. One picture with me ‘n Lizzie having fun!? God, I’m so spamming Roderich’s locker with this picture.
There we are, all posed, Elizaveta smiling with excitement and me grinning like the charming songofagun I am. The camera flashes and then the rollercoaster dipped down and went though a few loops and then it was over. Luckily enough, when we got off, Antonio and Francis did totally not blow chunks! This might still just be an awesome day!
So elated was I (goddamn… that’s just stupid). I was so excited; I offered to go get the picture, keen on buying as many copies as possible. (MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, LIVEJOURNAL AND WHATEVER OTHER STUPID SOIAL NETWORKING SITES THERE ARE WOULD KNOW ABOUT MY ULTIMATE SCORE)
Off I go and what do I see? Me and Elizaveta looks hot while in back Antonio and Francis are kissing. What the fuck… why are my friends so intent on messing everything good about my life? I mean-
Her: Hey, Gil, how did the picture turn out?
Me: Horrible. You look like a bug flew up your nose and you’re trying to sneeze it out. Oh and my eyes are… closed. (Okay, so I panicked a bit)
Her: Right…
Me: Water… ride next?
Okay, so that failed. But the water ride couldn’t be that bad right?
Right?
Water Ride - 15:24
IT WAS THE MOST GODDAMN BORING RIDE EVER. Antonio and Francis both opted out so it was just me and Lizzie and somehow we managed to get the two seats on the entire ride where you don’t get wet except for a little water on my pants. Not that it mattered; she was wearing her favourite dark green shirt today.
So we get off, Francis and Antonio chatting with each other, all nice and casual then Francis’ eyes look down at my pants. Immediately I stick my hands in my pockets, not keen on getting surprise groped by the Frenchy.
Franny: Gilbo, you ‘ave some water on your pants.
Me: Ya, so?
Franny: It looks like your peed yourself. ‘ere. (So he comes towards me; all innocent and shit and what happens? He pulls the handkerchief from by backpocket (You know, THE ONE NEAR MY ASS) and proceeds to rub it all over my crotch.)
Elizaveta looks like she’s having some kid of seizure so I quickly jump away from Francis and beat him over the head with my fist and snatch away my hanky is a most dignified manner.
Most digni-fucking-fied indeed.
Cotton Candy - 15:53
I’m totes skipping TO THE BEST PART OF THIS DAY BECAUSE IT’S ACTUALLY PRETTY AWESOME. We manage to get to the cotton candy joint and Francis is moaning in French about how his head won’t stop ringing. I couldn’t give a shit and buy Elizaveta cotton candy and she thanks me, offering a bit. (She didn’t feed it to me, but it was pretty goddamn close.)
Then Antonio wanders over and manages to somehow smear and entire cone (weave? Spin? Yard of floss?) of cotton candy into Elizaveta’s hair.
Tony: Oh my God! I am so sorry Elizaveta! L-Let me help-
Me: C’mon Liz, let’s go to the family washroom. (I take her hand and lead her away while silently glaring back at Antonio and Francis, dragging my finger across my neck. The French prick winks, blowing me a kiss while Antonio gives me a stupid smile. God I hate those two.)
So we’re in the family washroom and it’s all gross and mouldy but Elizaveta doesn’t seem to mind, immediately heading to the sink and turning on the water. Carefully she dunks her hair under the water, struggling to get all of the bright blue candy out.
I walk over and start helping her and I don’t get kneed in the crotch. Greatest moment of my life. She has really nice hair…
Me: I’m really sorry Liz… (I say, WHILE CLEANING HER HAIR)
Her: It’s alright. (There’s this big pause where we finish getting all of it out and she straights slightly, giving me a small smile. I return it while she squeezes her hair dry, bend sideways over the sink, smiling at me. Oh my God is she… blushing?) It’s actually kind of romantic…
And so we both kind of lean forward and I don’t think my heart is even working anymore it’s been beating so fast. I’ve been imagining this moment for months… years even. But it was never in the family bathroom of a rundown amusement park. Usually it was in the Swiss Alps, or on top of the Great Wall of China or somewhere equally as romantic. But it was alright, because my awesomeness was totally enough to make this the greatest moment of my life.
And then someone knocked on the door. Some mom with her kid that needed a diaper change ruins the one chance I had of actually scoring with Elizaveta.
Are you happy now God? I’m going to die a virgin. Where in fuck sake did “Gilbert Beilschmidt shalt be a virgin!” fit in your goddamn divine plan!? Christ… I’m so never asking you for anything again.
Dear Buddha,
Don’t let me die a virgin.
Love, your biggest, newest (and most awesome) follower,
Gilbert Beilschmidt
-
And then there was the goddamn haunted house. Which had fail of such epic proportions, it needs it’s own post.
Enjoy the cliff-hanger, bitches.
Step 4>>
Author's Note
I'm sorry for the formatting issues... hopefully I'll have it fixed later.
-
Currently:
where: in my room.
when: I don’t want to know how long I’ve been sitting here.
listening: Linkin Park (god I hate this band but… meeeeeh)
watching: my ceiling fan.
-
Here is a detailed breakdown of how the date went. I’ve been sitting in my room since it ended, mourning the fail that is my life. Maybe Ludwig will bring me my food and I can just stay here and never leave… I bet if I promise him porn (yay for being 18) he’d agree…
Roller coaster.
Outcome: Failure.
Water Ride.
Outcome: Failure.
Cotton Candy.
Outcome: Not-as-bad-a-fail-as-the-roller-coaster-or-the-water-ride-but-still-a-fail.
Haunted House.
Outcome: Failure.
Epic failure.
More details included below.
Roller Coaster - 14:30
So we’re going to the roller coaster right because it’s the most hardcore ride and I want Francis and Antonio off our backs and I know for a fact that they both have weak stomachs.
How I Know Both My Friends Are Pukers
Antonio: Back in grade two we were at the playground and Toni was sitting on one of those roundabout things (oh God I’m turning British) eating tomato slices. Francis and I did what any young, annoying children would do.
Suffice to say, his puke had tomato skins in -not diced carrots though (OH GOD, I AM TURNING BRITISH. I hope to God Gott that Art doesn’t read this.))
Francis: I saw him eat Arthur’s food once and he totally threw-up all over Katya (more like BOObYA amirite?)
-Note to Self- Looking back, thinking about Antonio and Francis eating and then blowing chunks probably a main reason the Cotton Candy plan failed. Further research needed-
Okay, so, roller coaster. We wait in line, Tony and Franny being surprisingly polite and quiet. I’m on my toes, talking to Lizzie but constantly checking up on them. They’re planning something. I know it. On the roller coast we go, Francis and Antonio sharing a car with us, them in the back, Elizaveta and I in front.
It starts gooooing up the chain, all slow and Elizaveta is practically bouncing in her seat with excitement, craning her neck to see around and it’s not giving me a bad look at her cleavage. And then I notice it’s a photo one. OKAY. EPIC. One picture with me ‘n Lizzie having fun!? God, I’m so spamming Roderich’s locker with this picture.
There we are, all posed, Elizaveta smiling with excitement and me grinning like the charming songofagun I am. The camera flashes and then the rollercoaster dipped down and went though a few loops and then it was over. Luckily enough, when we got off, Antonio and Francis did totally not blow chunks! This might still just be an awesome day!
So elated was I (goddamn… that’s just stupid). I was so excited; I offered to go get the picture, keen on buying as many copies as possible. (MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, LIVEJOURNAL AND WHATEVER OTHER STUPID SOIAL NETWORKING SITES THERE ARE WOULD KNOW ABOUT MY ULTIMATE SCORE)
Off I go and what do I see? Me and Elizaveta looks hot while in back Antonio and Francis are kissing. What the fuck… why are my friends so intent on messing everything good about my life? I mean-
Her: Hey, Gil, how did the picture turn out?
Me: Horrible. You look like a bug flew up your nose and you’re trying to sneeze it out. Oh and my eyes are… closed. (Okay, so I panicked a bit)
Her: Right…
Me: Water… ride next?
Okay, so that failed. But the water ride couldn’t be that bad right?
Right?
Water Ride - 15:24
IT WAS THE MOST GODDAMN BORING RIDE EVER. Antonio and Francis both opted out so it was just me and Lizzie and somehow we managed to get the two seats on the entire ride where you don’t get wet except for a little water on my pants. Not that it mattered; she was wearing her favourite dark green shirt today.
So we get off, Francis and Antonio chatting with each other, all nice and casual then Francis’ eyes look down at my pants. Immediately I stick my hands in my pockets, not keen on getting surprise groped by the Frenchy.
Franny: Gilbo, you ‘ave some water on your pants.
Me: Ya, so?
Franny: It looks like your peed yourself. ‘ere. (So he comes towards me; all innocent and shit and what happens? He pulls the handkerchief from by backpocket (You know, THE ONE NEAR MY ASS) and proceeds to rub it all over my crotch.)
Elizaveta looks like she’s having some kid of seizure so I quickly jump away from Francis and beat him over the head with my fist and snatch away my hanky is a most dignified manner.
Most digni-fucking-fied indeed.
Cotton Candy - 15:53
I’m totes skipping TO THE BEST PART OF THIS DAY BECAUSE IT’S ACTUALLY PRETTY AWESOME. We manage to get to the cotton candy joint and Francis is moaning in French about how his head won’t stop ringing. I couldn’t give a shit and buy Elizaveta cotton candy and she thanks me, offering a bit. (She didn’t feed it to me, but it was pretty goddamn close.)
Then Antonio wanders over and manages to somehow smear and entire cone (weave? Spin? Yard of floss?) of cotton candy into Elizaveta’s hair.
Tony: Oh my God! I am so sorry Elizaveta! L-Let me help-
Me: C’mon Liz, let’s go to the family washroom. (I take her hand and lead her away while silently glaring back at Antonio and Francis, dragging my finger across my neck. The French prick winks, blowing me a kiss while Antonio gives me a stupid smile. God I hate those two.)
So we’re in the family washroom and it’s all gross and mouldy but Elizaveta doesn’t seem to mind, immediately heading to the sink and turning on the water. Carefully she dunks her hair under the water, struggling to get all of the bright blue candy out.
I walk over and start helping her and I don’t get kneed in the crotch. Greatest moment of my life. She has really nice hair…
Me: I’m really sorry Liz… (I say, WHILE CLEANING HER HAIR)
Her: It’s alright. (There’s this big pause where we finish getting all of it out and she straights slightly, giving me a small smile. I return it while she squeezes her hair dry, bend sideways over the sink, smiling at me. Oh my God is she… blushing?) It’s actually kind of romantic…
And so we both kind of lean forward and I don’t think my heart is even working anymore it’s been beating so fast. I’ve been imagining this moment for months… years even. But it was never in the family bathroom of a rundown amusement park. Usually it was in the Swiss Alps, or on top of the Great Wall of China or somewhere equally as romantic. But it was alright, because my awesomeness was totally enough to make this the greatest moment of my life.
And then someone knocked on the door. Some mom with her kid that needed a diaper change ruins the one chance I had of actually scoring with Elizaveta.
Are you happy now God? I’m going to die a virgin. Where in fuck sake did “Gilbert Beilschmidt shalt be a virgin!” fit in your goddamn divine plan!? Christ… I’m so never asking you for anything again.
Dear Buddha,
Don’t let me die a virgin.
Love, your biggest, newest (and most awesome) follower,
Gilbert Beilschmidt
-
And then there was the goddamn haunted house. Which had fail of such epic proportions, it needs it’s own post.
Enjoy the cliff-hanger, bitches.
Step 4>>
Author's Note
I'm sorry for the formatting issues... hopefully I'll have it fixed later.