restless
I'm going crazy. Every once in a while, I get this feeling like I'm going to burst if I don't do something, but I can't for the life of me figure out what that something is. Like I turned right instead of left, and now my whole aura is fractured cause I'm out of alignment with where I ought to be.
This feeling is often exacerbated by the fact that when I get like this, I rarely take care of my practical responsibilities. I'm slipping a bit behind in my homework, and I know I can't do that if I want to finally get straight A's. But I can't work up the willingness to sit down and work through obligations I don't see the point in.
I got a position as a Research Assistant with this big multi-professor grant in the Computer Science department I thought would be really interesting. The prof I'm working with directly gave me a sort of trial assignment for the weekend - find and/or write a formula that can predict the times of sunrise and sunset for any given point on the globe. Not tough. Only, he said he'd tried to look it up and see if anyone else had done it before, but hadn't been able to find anything. I doubted that, seeing as how it was a relatively simple question, but I took the assignment. Finding the formula was the work of three clicks on Google. But he seemed genuinely surprised that I'd been able to locate the information. So, either he's incompetent - which won't be fun - or he . . . I don't know. Plus, this other girl is supposed to be leading our partnership, and I don't hold out much hope for her either. I was suggesting ways we could modify the formula to be more accurate (for instance, taking altitude into account) and she suggested that we look into things that could affect Earth's spin - like Haley's comet. I caught myself before I reacted to that too strongly, but it was close. I know I should be grateful for this job - it's a hell of a lot better than sitting at a desk filing stuff (plus I don't have to be on time to anything) but I sure thought it would be, well, better.
Oddly, though, I'm not falling into my usual spin about how I wish I'd worked harder long ago and ended up at a better school. I'm not much less frustrated with the caliber of education here, but still, overall I'm happy. I don't know how or why. I don't particularly enjoy living at home, nor do I like my school over much. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and all but one close friend has left town. Yet, I feel no despair, no bitterness. It's more like the feeling you get while waiting at the station for a train. You know you're not going to get where you're going any faster by stressing out, so you settle in and relax, maybe get some work done, and just be patient. Only thing is, I don't know when my train's getting here, or where it's going to take me.
I have however, had a breakthrough. I'm trying out having a 'dream job' for the first time. I want to work for Google. I will be able to program, which I like, and it will give me a more concrete reason to learn programming than the abstract satisfaction of possessing a practical skill. Plus, they seem to have a very relaxed environment chock full of people I'd probably like a lot. But most importantly, their core philosophy is Don't Be Evil. I've had a hard time recently with all the suggestions that I look into employment with USAA, seeing as how I'm convinced insurance companies come second only to pharmaceutical companies for the Most Evil Industry in the World (oil is in third). But, at least by general reputation, Google isn't evil. Especially for such a powerful entity. And they often publish little employment applications in the Mensa magazines that aren't anything but a bunch of mathematical puzzles. Some are quite non-trivial, but I'm sure I could work through them. Maybe, just maybe, I've got a goal that has all necessary elements - grandness, ethics, practicality, suitible environment, and attainability.
This feeling is often exacerbated by the fact that when I get like this, I rarely take care of my practical responsibilities. I'm slipping a bit behind in my homework, and I know I can't do that if I want to finally get straight A's. But I can't work up the willingness to sit down and work through obligations I don't see the point in.
I got a position as a Research Assistant with this big multi-professor grant in the Computer Science department I thought would be really interesting. The prof I'm working with directly gave me a sort of trial assignment for the weekend - find and/or write a formula that can predict the times of sunrise and sunset for any given point on the globe. Not tough. Only, he said he'd tried to look it up and see if anyone else had done it before, but hadn't been able to find anything. I doubted that, seeing as how it was a relatively simple question, but I took the assignment. Finding the formula was the work of three clicks on Google. But he seemed genuinely surprised that I'd been able to locate the information. So, either he's incompetent - which won't be fun - or he . . . I don't know. Plus, this other girl is supposed to be leading our partnership, and I don't hold out much hope for her either. I was suggesting ways we could modify the formula to be more accurate (for instance, taking altitude into account) and she suggested that we look into things that could affect Earth's spin - like Haley's comet. I caught myself before I reacted to that too strongly, but it was close. I know I should be grateful for this job - it's a hell of a lot better than sitting at a desk filing stuff (plus I don't have to be on time to anything) but I sure thought it would be, well, better.
Oddly, though, I'm not falling into my usual spin about how I wish I'd worked harder long ago and ended up at a better school. I'm not much less frustrated with the caliber of education here, but still, overall I'm happy. I don't know how or why. I don't particularly enjoy living at home, nor do I like my school over much. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and all but one close friend has left town. Yet, I feel no despair, no bitterness. It's more like the feeling you get while waiting at the station for a train. You know you're not going to get where you're going any faster by stressing out, so you settle in and relax, maybe get some work done, and just be patient. Only thing is, I don't know when my train's getting here, or where it's going to take me.
I have however, had a breakthrough. I'm trying out having a 'dream job' for the first time. I want to work for Google. I will be able to program, which I like, and it will give me a more concrete reason to learn programming than the abstract satisfaction of possessing a practical skill. Plus, they seem to have a very relaxed environment chock full of people I'd probably like a lot. But most importantly, their core philosophy is Don't Be Evil. I've had a hard time recently with all the suggestions that I look into employment with USAA, seeing as how I'm convinced insurance companies come second only to pharmaceutical companies for the Most Evil Industry in the World (oil is in third). But, at least by general reputation, Google isn't evil. Especially for such a powerful entity. And they often publish little employment applications in the Mensa magazines that aren't anything but a bunch of mathematical puzzles. Some are quite non-trivial, but I'm sure I could work through them. Maybe, just maybe, I've got a goal that has all necessary elements - grandness, ethics, practicality, suitible environment, and attainability.