Poem: Song for Funerals

[compos_dementis]

song for funerals
by dementis

i. denial
you were always an empty seat.

there was a picture of us hanging on my living room wall,
surrounded by the ugly floral print of the wallpaper,
back when you wore glasses and smiled a shy smile
and talked back to the bullies
who pushed you into lockers.

you had your arm around me,
and i only just noticed now,
but your fingers were playing with my hair.


ii. anger
eventually you changed,
and when i invited you along,
you shirked your responsibilities and visitations
to go to god-knows-where,
to return with bruises and PTSD,
to come back with a split lip and anger in your eyes.

you shouted
and you cried
more often.

i told you to come to my performances.
i got the lead, and i saved you a seat.
you never showed - your friends did, but not you.

iii. bargaining
you were always an empty seat.

i learned to stop expecting anything better
when you said it was "work" pulling you away.
how very like you to choose the streets over me.

iv. depression
i miss you.
i miss you.

you were always an empty seat,
and now you are an empty spot on my wall too,
vacant and dustless where our photograph used to hang,
because i got nervous and gave it away
because it felt like you were watching me,
judging me,
with your shy smile and cracked glasses.

i miss you.

v. acceptance
you were always an empty seat,
but i always kept it open for you,
just in case.

the seat is still there,
staring at me, waiting for the day
you will accept my invitation.

you are still an empty seat.
just for entirely different reasons.