(no subject)
Isn't life odd?
With every breathe you take, each and every movement of your chest going in and out, you change. It may not be a change you see, but it's a change that occurs, that is unevitable. Little by little it creeps in, with a take no prisoner attitude.
Every night for the past month, I haven't slept. I haven't said anything. But I know. People at work have pointed it out, all I say is, it's because of school and work. Yes only slightly, but not to the point that at 4 am I feel the need to crawl into a ball, open my window curtains and stare out the window.
It's been a year since my grandmother died. November 27th. I can remember that day so clearly. I had woken up, Ommy was showering, and my cell phone kept on ringing. But it was charging in the kitchen and I didn't feel like walking so far. Ommy got dressed and left to his grandmother's. It was thanksgiving and I was meeting up with Antoinette. Than I called her and she told me. I couldn't speak at first, the emotions so mixed, and there I was. I called my mother, she was hysterical. I remember shedding tears, but not for the death but how would I feel if my mom ever passed away.
I came home. I hadn't been in my apt. since Sept. I had moved in with Ommy. More like Ommy wouldn't let me move out. I left my apt. It was to much to take. I went back to my fake home, slipped the key into the door, crawled into his bed, and I remember hearing him talking to me, and I just started crying. I cried like I've never cried before. And he just held me, saying babe it's ok, she's in a better place.
March 31st, 2004. Omar called me. He asked if I was sitting. 9:08 am and he tells me Ommy died. I remember feeling shattered. I mean Omar started crying and I couldn't breathe. I felt all the walls closing in. I felt like killing myself.
Damn I'm crying.
I can't seem to shake that day, that month, let alone all the things that happened this year. I feel so sad as each day passes, thinking about all the times I royaly screwed up. I remember so many details of this year. So many things are stuck in my head. So many things I feel like I can't breathe with. Everything seems to be getting harder. I don't dare to call Omar with this. Omar's been having dreams with Ommy, he asked me Thursday if I've been sleeping, and I told him no. He didn't need to ask, he knew why.
I honestly feel like I need to be left alone for awhile.
Lately I feel like all the walls are closing in. So many fucking changes, so much shit against me, rather than with me.
It's so hard to explain you know. It's just so hard. How many things effect your life... how many things tear you down... how many things make u weaker rather than make you stronger... how there's foundation missing in my life, no steady platform to stand up on.
My dad died on my birthday. This Wednesday. My aunt died November 5th, my other aunt the 2nd week of November. I don't like this month.
But for some reason I have to deal with it. Every fucking year.
With every breathe you take, each and every movement of your chest going in and out, you change. It may not be a change you see, but it's a change that occurs, that is unevitable. Little by little it creeps in, with a take no prisoner attitude.
Every night for the past month, I haven't slept. I haven't said anything. But I know. People at work have pointed it out, all I say is, it's because of school and work. Yes only slightly, but not to the point that at 4 am I feel the need to crawl into a ball, open my window curtains and stare out the window.
It's been a year since my grandmother died. November 27th. I can remember that day so clearly. I had woken up, Ommy was showering, and my cell phone kept on ringing. But it was charging in the kitchen and I didn't feel like walking so far. Ommy got dressed and left to his grandmother's. It was thanksgiving and I was meeting up with Antoinette. Than I called her and she told me. I couldn't speak at first, the emotions so mixed, and there I was. I called my mother, she was hysterical. I remember shedding tears, but not for the death but how would I feel if my mom ever passed away.
I came home. I hadn't been in my apt. since Sept. I had moved in with Ommy. More like Ommy wouldn't let me move out. I left my apt. It was to much to take. I went back to my fake home, slipped the key into the door, crawled into his bed, and I remember hearing him talking to me, and I just started crying. I cried like I've never cried before. And he just held me, saying babe it's ok, she's in a better place.
March 31st, 2004. Omar called me. He asked if I was sitting. 9:08 am and he tells me Ommy died. I remember feeling shattered. I mean Omar started crying and I couldn't breathe. I felt all the walls closing in. I felt like killing myself.
Damn I'm crying.
I can't seem to shake that day, that month, let alone all the things that happened this year. I feel so sad as each day passes, thinking about all the times I royaly screwed up. I remember so many details of this year. So many things are stuck in my head. So many things I feel like I can't breathe with. Everything seems to be getting harder. I don't dare to call Omar with this. Omar's been having dreams with Ommy, he asked me Thursday if I've been sleeping, and I told him no. He didn't need to ask, he knew why.
I honestly feel like I need to be left alone for awhile.
Lately I feel like all the walls are closing in. So many fucking changes, so much shit against me, rather than with me.
It's so hard to explain you know. It's just so hard. How many things effect your life... how many things tear you down... how many things make u weaker rather than make you stronger... how there's foundation missing in my life, no steady platform to stand up on.
My dad died on my birthday. This Wednesday. My aunt died November 5th, my other aunt the 2nd week of November. I don't like this month.
But for some reason I have to deal with it. Every fucking year.