Same shit, different day.
You know, I really had thought that maybe, just maybe I was getting somewhere with my family. I thought, hey, I'll be perfectly honest with them and maybe they'll trust me more, or like me more, or something. But right now I just feel so defeated. It's like trying to swim with weights on your ankles. It's almost impossible to get anywhere so why not just sink? So much easier. I wish I could say I was depressed, but I'm not. I'm just so tired. Tired and fed up with the world in general. It's one of those feelings where you feel detached. I can't even feel the pain anymore, even when I cry.
My father, the one who couldn't figure out why I was crying and running away from him, the one who told me that everything would be okay, and that he would be there for me, because he's my dad. The one who said I could tell him anything, because he's my dad. The one who said that I could trust him, because he's my dad. He hugged me and I believed him, and I can't help but wonder if he could really lie to me when I'm in so much visible mental pain that I can't even describe it to him, just run and try to huddle around my fragile and eroding sanity. I've given him truth. I've let it sink in. I've waited. Yes, I haven't really been near him, but that's because I'm so afraid he'll toss me like yesterday's news. I'm so afraid he'll be just like my mom. It's a phase, it'll go away, stop kidding yourself. I just want him to talk at me, look at me, sit down and talk with me, hug me like he did over a year and a half ago. I want him to be my father again, the person I used to do everything with.
You're so lazy, Kiara, and the disappointment shows in his eyes, in his words. You'll be a failure just like your sister, and just like her you want to run away to California because it'll be better and different there. You're wrong, you're so wrong, Kiara, and you need to grow up.
My mother, my one constant pillar of support and truth. The same person who doesn't understand me but accepts me anyway. The same person who's so frustrated with my sister that she rants to me in the car because the stress is so much for her. The one who'd do anything for family because she has a sense of wrong and right. The one who thinks my being a guy is a phase, the one who doesn't trust 'Lin because I met her on the internet, which is my sole source of truth and support. The one who thinks I could get places if I tried harder. The one who doesn't understand the claustrophobic torture this place inflicts on me. I'm hurting her, no matter what I do I'm hurting her. I'm lazy and I'm hurting her. I'm running away from her and I'm hurting her. I'm an introvert and I'm hurting her. I'm breathing and I'm hurting her.
What have I done to my family? What can I do to change myself that I haven't already tried? Why do I see failure in both of their minds? Why do I believe them, and why does that crush me inside?
My father, the one who couldn't figure out why I was crying and running away from him, the one who told me that everything would be okay, and that he would be there for me, because he's my dad. The one who said I could tell him anything, because he's my dad. The one who said that I could trust him, because he's my dad. He hugged me and I believed him, and I can't help but wonder if he could really lie to me when I'm in so much visible mental pain that I can't even describe it to him, just run and try to huddle around my fragile and eroding sanity. I've given him truth. I've let it sink in. I've waited. Yes, I haven't really been near him, but that's because I'm so afraid he'll toss me like yesterday's news. I'm so afraid he'll be just like my mom. It's a phase, it'll go away, stop kidding yourself. I just want him to talk at me, look at me, sit down and talk with me, hug me like he did over a year and a half ago. I want him to be my father again, the person I used to do everything with.
You're so lazy, Kiara, and the disappointment shows in his eyes, in his words. You'll be a failure just like your sister, and just like her you want to run away to California because it'll be better and different there. You're wrong, you're so wrong, Kiara, and you need to grow up.
My mother, my one constant pillar of support and truth. The same person who doesn't understand me but accepts me anyway. The same person who's so frustrated with my sister that she rants to me in the car because the stress is so much for her. The one who'd do anything for family because she has a sense of wrong and right. The one who thinks my being a guy is a phase, the one who doesn't trust 'Lin because I met her on the internet, which is my sole source of truth and support. The one who thinks I could get places if I tried harder. The one who doesn't understand the claustrophobic torture this place inflicts on me. I'm hurting her, no matter what I do I'm hurting her. I'm lazy and I'm hurting her. I'm running away from her and I'm hurting her. I'm an introvert and I'm hurting her. I'm breathing and I'm hurting her.
What have I done to my family? What can I do to change myself that I haven't already tried? Why do I see failure in both of their minds? Why do I believe them, and why does that crush me inside?