30 Days.... Day 5
Day 5: Your definition of Love.
I have been avoiding the 30 days thing, because I didn't want to tackle this one. In a lot of ways I have a much clearer understanding of love now than I ever have, yet I really don't know how to verbalize it.. So instead I'm stealing some of my musings on it from a past post.. this shall have to suffice.
Love.
I wrote a poem when I was 14 or 15 about love. Not about "being in love", or any other permutation, simply on what love was.
Ah, I found it..
"LOVE IS...... (1/21/00)
Love is a verb
it can't be bought nor sold
it's not up for grabs
love can't be created or destroyed
emotions can sway but love endures
tempers flare but love is still present
crushes fade, lust dies
but love survives
love doesn't give up
love is kind to the unkind
love is hope to the hopeless
love doesn't care what others think
love is self-giving not taking
love is beyond words
beyond superficial
love lies with motives
hidden deep in our hearts
love can be spied
by the meticulous eye
looking beyond the noticeable
to the humble
to the quiet smile
of a helping hand
not to the glaring
announcer of self-righteousness
love is life. "
There are so many definitions of love, and most of us when asked find it hard to describe. We describe the physical sensations of being "in love" or we describe other emotions tied to it (joy, peace, heartache, etc). But what IS love? Well, as something intangible, love IS the words we use to describe it. Love is a conglomeration of thoughts, feelings, actions, neurons firing and neurotransmitters creating percetions. A very unromantic view perhaps, but at the fundamental physiological level that is true. I don't have my own ideas of spirituality, connectedness between people, the universal, any of it figured out. I don't know how to reconcile my spiritual side and the metaphysical with my scientific self. That disclaimer aside, here are my current thoughts on love.
I think that true/pure love, as close to unconditional as humans can possibly come, is fairly rare. I think it requires a certain level of self-awareness, insight, etc that most humans haven't attained yet. When the potential is there, there are still a myriad obstacles in the way. Conflicting thoughts, emotions, etc that make it hard to express. Love is unconditional. It is true acceptance of another (I don't think understanding is necessary, but feeling understood leads us to FEELING loved by another). It is saying, you, as you are, are beautiful, are worth while, are deserving (deserving seems contradictory to the requirement of "unconditional" but it is an inheret quality, not based on deeds, simply by being). Wanting to see this person experience life, in all of it's highs and lows, wishing happiness and success for them, but without repercussions if they are not found. Careing for their wellbeing. And all of this without regard for yourself. Whether or not they love you, whether or not they hate you, whether or not you are a part of their life in any way. The love remains. This is where it gets hard. I truly believe you can have this love for someone (multiple someones, actually)but all of our conditioning, our socialization can get in the way. We also have our own biological, psychological, emotional, etc needs. Where it goes wrong, in my opinion, is that we think that everything is a competition. If MY needs aren't being met, how DARE you expect yours to be! Now, I know that if one's basic needs aren't met you really can't help to meet other people's because you are just trying to survive. But often we think of our comforts as needs. I'm realizing now that continuing as I am will result in a long ramble, very convoluted and probably very circular. Much more though and mental organization is needed.. I think that our other emotions can affect our ability to love as well as our expression of love. For example, fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of becoming vulernable and not eliciting the same in another. Fear of being alone. So many fears. I think we are socialized to believe that love must be requited for it to be worthwhile, and if it isn't we should be unhappy. I myself am prone to very intense emotions and often feel like I'll burst if I can't express things as I feel them. Unrequited love drives me insane. Then I am likely to turn it on myself and think that I must be some sort of failure for not inspiring the same love back. very very back thought patterns. Love is beautiful. It's amazing to love someone so thoroughly so truely, it feels good even when it's not returned. It's just the expectations, the socializations; all the baggage we attach that causes the pain.
In more practical and less philosophical matters.. I do not believe in "one true love". I believe that love is on a spiritual level. That it is a certain connection with another being. I believe you can have this with multiple people, either simultaneously or serially. I think it is the other emotions, the other baggage, and the other practicalities that influence how we act on it. Hence why some people are drawn to monogamy, others to polyamory and there are various levels on the continuum. I have been told (repeatidly) that I am an intense person. I know my emotions are intense. I prefer to be passionate. Neruda speaks of a love that is more quiet, equally intense I think and equally true, but quiet :
"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
I love this poem. But it is very not my love style. I am more of a "shout it from the rooftops" sort of person.
I think we often judge people by their love styles, as if that is the indication of how true it is. "If you aren't willing to forsake all others, then you don't love me". Well, that might be true and necessary for some people to express their love.. but it's not a requirement. Someone could forsake all others, and yet not have true love, but a sense of duty, contentment, whatever. In like, someone could be endlessly romantic, and yet simply be infatuated, and not have true love (which I think happens in most cases with people). Someone else may have a quiet love like Neruda, or love and date multiple people and have true love though it may not be seen as such by others..
Various languages have different words to describe different types of love. I wonder if it all isn't simply one love. The love itself is the same. That desire for good for the other person, care, without regard to ourself. But it is the other bundle of emotions and physiologically responses that accompany that love that determine if we feel familial love, friend love, romantic love, etc. Ex. Lust plus love = romantic love. Not that I think romantic love is simply lust and love, but still. Just a thought.
I have been avoiding the 30 days thing, because I didn't want to tackle this one. In a lot of ways I have a much clearer understanding of love now than I ever have, yet I really don't know how to verbalize it.. So instead I'm stealing some of my musings on it from a past post.. this shall have to suffice.
Love.
I wrote a poem when I was 14 or 15 about love. Not about "being in love", or any other permutation, simply on what love was.
Ah, I found it..
"LOVE IS...... (1/21/00)
Love is a verb
it can't be bought nor sold
it's not up for grabs
love can't be created or destroyed
emotions can sway but love endures
tempers flare but love is still present
crushes fade, lust dies
but love survives
love doesn't give up
love is kind to the unkind
love is hope to the hopeless
love doesn't care what others think
love is self-giving not taking
love is beyond words
beyond superficial
love lies with motives
hidden deep in our hearts
love can be spied
by the meticulous eye
looking beyond the noticeable
to the humble
to the quiet smile
of a helping hand
not to the glaring
announcer of self-righteousness
love is life. "
There are so many definitions of love, and most of us when asked find it hard to describe. We describe the physical sensations of being "in love" or we describe other emotions tied to it (joy, peace, heartache, etc). But what IS love? Well, as something intangible, love IS the words we use to describe it. Love is a conglomeration of thoughts, feelings, actions, neurons firing and neurotransmitters creating percetions. A very unromantic view perhaps, but at the fundamental physiological level that is true. I don't have my own ideas of spirituality, connectedness between people, the universal, any of it figured out. I don't know how to reconcile my spiritual side and the metaphysical with my scientific self. That disclaimer aside, here are my current thoughts on love.
I think that true/pure love, as close to unconditional as humans can possibly come, is fairly rare. I think it requires a certain level of self-awareness, insight, etc that most humans haven't attained yet. When the potential is there, there are still a myriad obstacles in the way. Conflicting thoughts, emotions, etc that make it hard to express. Love is unconditional. It is true acceptance of another (I don't think understanding is necessary, but feeling understood leads us to FEELING loved by another). It is saying, you, as you are, are beautiful, are worth while, are deserving (deserving seems contradictory to the requirement of "unconditional" but it is an inheret quality, not based on deeds, simply by being). Wanting to see this person experience life, in all of it's highs and lows, wishing happiness and success for them, but without repercussions if they are not found. Careing for their wellbeing. And all of this without regard for yourself. Whether or not they love you, whether or not they hate you, whether or not you are a part of their life in any way. The love remains. This is where it gets hard. I truly believe you can have this love for someone (multiple someones, actually)but all of our conditioning, our socialization can get in the way. We also have our own biological, psychological, emotional, etc needs. Where it goes wrong, in my opinion, is that we think that everything is a competition. If MY needs aren't being met, how DARE you expect yours to be! Now, I know that if one's basic needs aren't met you really can't help to meet other people's because you are just trying to survive. But often we think of our comforts as needs. I'm realizing now that continuing as I am will result in a long ramble, very convoluted and probably very circular. Much more though and mental organization is needed.. I think that our other emotions can affect our ability to love as well as our expression of love. For example, fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of becoming vulernable and not eliciting the same in another. Fear of being alone. So many fears. I think we are socialized to believe that love must be requited for it to be worthwhile, and if it isn't we should be unhappy. I myself am prone to very intense emotions and often feel like I'll burst if I can't express things as I feel them. Unrequited love drives me insane. Then I am likely to turn it on myself and think that I must be some sort of failure for not inspiring the same love back. very very back thought patterns. Love is beautiful. It's amazing to love someone so thoroughly so truely, it feels good even when it's not returned. It's just the expectations, the socializations; all the baggage we attach that causes the pain.
In more practical and less philosophical matters.. I do not believe in "one true love". I believe that love is on a spiritual level. That it is a certain connection with another being. I believe you can have this with multiple people, either simultaneously or serially. I think it is the other emotions, the other baggage, and the other practicalities that influence how we act on it. Hence why some people are drawn to monogamy, others to polyamory and there are various levels on the continuum. I have been told (repeatidly) that I am an intense person. I know my emotions are intense. I prefer to be passionate. Neruda speaks of a love that is more quiet, equally intense I think and equally true, but quiet :
"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
I love this poem. But it is very not my love style. I am more of a "shout it from the rooftops" sort of person.
I think we often judge people by their love styles, as if that is the indication of how true it is. "If you aren't willing to forsake all others, then you don't love me". Well, that might be true and necessary for some people to express their love.. but it's not a requirement. Someone could forsake all others, and yet not have true love, but a sense of duty, contentment, whatever. In like, someone could be endlessly romantic, and yet simply be infatuated, and not have true love (which I think happens in most cases with people). Someone else may have a quiet love like Neruda, or love and date multiple people and have true love though it may not be seen as such by others..
Various languages have different words to describe different types of love. I wonder if it all isn't simply one love. The love itself is the same. That desire for good for the other person, care, without regard to ourself. But it is the other bundle of emotions and physiologically responses that accompany that love that determine if we feel familial love, friend love, romantic love, etc. Ex. Lust plus love = romantic love. Not that I think romantic love is simply lust and love, but still. Just a thought.