(no subject)
ok, so could life just work out? Could it possibly be good and fit together and not be so fucking messed up? Could I actually get what i've for so long wanted and feel I deserve? I'm so afraid of losing it all again, that I'm trying to make myself pretend that it's something that it's not. I'm lying to myself.
something I do very well if I do say so.
Are you really coming back? Is this just some random thing in life thats going to fuck me up even more? Do you really love me? Is this just sex? Is it more? And if it is, what is it? Why do you want to be with me? Why now? Why didn't you want to be with me when you had me? Why did you have to go and ruin everything?
I'm not sorry that these past few months have mappened. I've had a good time not being the other half of a couple. I've enjoyed finding myself and growing up. Hell I've enjoyed getting laid and experienceing some other lovers.
At first I was so angry at you. I hated you, thought i'd never talk to you again. You made me want to do horrible unthinkable things to you and her. Then I tried blaming her cuz i loved you and supposedly you loved me too, so how could you be at fault? It must be her. But then I realized you're just a dick and selfish and don't think about anyone else when making a decision. Now I'm falling for you all over again. And while it feels good, (cuz it always feels good to fall in love with you) I'm so scared. Scared it's just going to be the same. Scared you havn't really grown up and that you havn't done all the things you said you've done. Scared you wont follow through and in three months we'll still be dating or whatever it is we are, and she'll still be around. But most of all I'm scared that things will work out, and that we'll get married and be happy, and some day when i'm 40 i'll wake up and realize you don't want me anymore, that you want this young girl and i'll be left with nothing. I'm scared that it will work out and we'll spend the rest of our lives together. I'm scared that someday I'll wake up and not remember all the pain you put me through.
I'm fucking sick of her by the way. I'm sick of having to be secretive, and having to hide it all. I'm sick of waiting for you to leave her. I'm sick of the way she treats you and I'm sick of the fact that you chose her over me. I don't know if I'll ever get over that last one. I don't know if I'll ever live a whole day without thinking about that fact that you chose someone over me. And while I personally think she is nothing compared to me, there must have been something. Something that made you want her and not me.
I toy around with wanting to know that reason. With wanting to find out what is so great or different or better than me. To make the man I love and who supposedly loves me leave. And not just leave, but start a new life with her.
Throughout our whole realtionship we fought over you feeling smothered. And yet you anf her are never apart unless one of you has school or work. Why does she get to be with you all the time? These are petty things I know.
I know I'm going to marry you. You know it too. Pretty much everyone has known it for a long time. But I honestly don't know how comfertable I am with knowing i'm going to marry you. I'm scared of the life we'll have. Will it be happy? Will it be one of those fake marraiges? Will I wake up someday and regret taking you back? I don't know what I would do with myself if i ever did.
So I guess at this point we just hold on right? Cuz there isn't much more you can do when you jump on the scariest rollercoaster you've ever seen.
something I do very well if I do say so.
Are you really coming back? Is this just some random thing in life thats going to fuck me up even more? Do you really love me? Is this just sex? Is it more? And if it is, what is it? Why do you want to be with me? Why now? Why didn't you want to be with me when you had me? Why did you have to go and ruin everything?
I'm not sorry that these past few months have mappened. I've had a good time not being the other half of a couple. I've enjoyed finding myself and growing up. Hell I've enjoyed getting laid and experienceing some other lovers.
At first I was so angry at you. I hated you, thought i'd never talk to you again. You made me want to do horrible unthinkable things to you and her. Then I tried blaming her cuz i loved you and supposedly you loved me too, so how could you be at fault? It must be her. But then I realized you're just a dick and selfish and don't think about anyone else when making a decision. Now I'm falling for you all over again. And while it feels good, (cuz it always feels good to fall in love with you) I'm so scared. Scared it's just going to be the same. Scared you havn't really grown up and that you havn't done all the things you said you've done. Scared you wont follow through and in three months we'll still be dating or whatever it is we are, and she'll still be around. But most of all I'm scared that things will work out, and that we'll get married and be happy, and some day when i'm 40 i'll wake up and realize you don't want me anymore, that you want this young girl and i'll be left with nothing. I'm scared that it will work out and we'll spend the rest of our lives together. I'm scared that someday I'll wake up and not remember all the pain you put me through.
I'm fucking sick of her by the way. I'm sick of having to be secretive, and having to hide it all. I'm sick of waiting for you to leave her. I'm sick of the way she treats you and I'm sick of the fact that you chose her over me. I don't know if I'll ever get over that last one. I don't know if I'll ever live a whole day without thinking about that fact that you chose someone over me. And while I personally think she is nothing compared to me, there must have been something. Something that made you want her and not me.
I toy around with wanting to know that reason. With wanting to find out what is so great or different or better than me. To make the man I love and who supposedly loves me leave. And not just leave, but start a new life with her.
Throughout our whole realtionship we fought over you feeling smothered. And yet you anf her are never apart unless one of you has school or work. Why does she get to be with you all the time? These are petty things I know.
I know I'm going to marry you. You know it too. Pretty much everyone has known it for a long time. But I honestly don't know how comfertable I am with knowing i'm going to marry you. I'm scared of the life we'll have. Will it be happy? Will it be one of those fake marraiges? Will I wake up someday and regret taking you back? I don't know what I would do with myself if i ever did.
So I guess at this point we just hold on right? Cuz there isn't much more you can do when you jump on the scariest rollercoaster you've ever seen.