elite_muses, topic #21 - What you need right now
Clarity. More than anything else, I need clarity.
I am...in a desperate state of confusion and indecision. I've come to the crossing I've been dreading, much earlier than I intended to arrive. You see, I have done the one thing that a Companion should avoid.
I've let myself fall in love. Not with a client; I'm too...professional, for that.
I fell in love with Serenity.
I never intended for it to happen. I never thought that love would be a weakness I would let myself become afflicted with. I was disciplined. You would have been hard pressed to find a Companion more focused than I. I say this not to brag; I say this because it is--it was--a fact.
And yet looking back on my life, I can see that it's a fault I've been susceptible to all along. I think...I think part of my success as a Companion stemmed from my ability to let people into my heart, even if only a little. And I can see that since the day I arrived on board Serenity, I have allowed her crew to work their way dangerously far into my heart. It began with Kaylee, bled to Zoe and Wash, and yes, even Jayne...and eventually ended with Mal.
It's with Mal there is the most danger, because Mal demands the most from me. Unintentionally at first, but now...
I can't be what he needs. And I cannot make him see that.
And yet I fear that no matter what happens, my career is over. I've been kissed by many men, but none of them have loved me. They held an illusion. They kissed the lips of a mask. What they felt for me was infatuation at best. A strong attraction that could, I suppose, masquerade as love.
Until now.
And after that, how do you go back to pretending?
Nothing is clear anymore. Nothing is simple.
Clarity. More than anything else, I need clarity.
Muse: Inara Serra
Fandom: Firefly
Word Count: 329