(no subject)
Because
Because I believe everyone around me hates me, in one way or another I must choose death.
Because I am nothing to you all I must do this.
Because I never was what I was expected to be I must take the final course of action.
You
You never really cared. You never really listened when I needed you to listen. You only cared about what mattered most to you....and that was you and your problems.
You had your chance to stop it. You had your chance to do something about it. You had your chance to make a difference.
You did nothing at all. For better or for worse.
You did nothing. And that is why it happens to you. That it is why you must suffer in my place. In the current state I'm only human. In the current state I'm only what I say I am. In the current state I'm in I'm only a memory. A memory best long, long forgotten.
Saying sorry does nothing. Apologies are just weak compensations for the bigger problem. It's just words. Action must be taken to change anything. I understand this is a hard thing to do, considering the current state we are all in, but you could have tried. You could have at the very least, if nothing else, tried. And you never tried.
In the end, it didn't matter anyways because life is just not fair.
In the end it was you who killed me.
Not me.
You might as well have been then one to do it. You might as well have taken my last breath and ran with it, laughing the whole way.
Days
I hate living. I hate having to open my eyes and look at everything. Everything is what I hate. I hate everything because everything hates me.
It's a vicious, disgusting, never-ending cycle. It will never end. Not for me.
I spend my days wandering about, wondering why I was cursed to be on this wretched planet. I just don't understand it. Any of it.
I can't open my mouth without being laughed at. I can't have a voice. I'm not allowed to.
Nothing I say is of importance to anyone. I am nothingness to all. If I am there it is simply acknowledged that another entity is there, but it does not matter to anyone. Nor does it change things.
You
Give me that false sense of security. You are the dangerous one. You are a friend and an enemy. Friend's with my enemies is what you are. What a fool I've been to stay. What a fool I've been to care for you all this time.
I felt no heat when we were close, but I wanted to. It's that sort of caring that I have for everyone else. Untouched and unmoving. Unimportant is what it is.
However there is a sense of caring to the point where I want you for myself. I don't care about your outside life, your other friends...namely the friends that are my enemies. Why? Why do you do this? Why must fate be so cruel?
Why must I be so sensitive? I should not care so much for petty words, petty things like arguments. Off color comments that shouldn't matter at all become everything to me. I obsess over them.
Obsession is not something that merely passes with me, I will obsess over it until the day I die or until said obsession 'dies'.
Hate you
I hate you. I hate you so much you will never be able to even fathom the amount of boiling emotions inside of me.
What am I to you?
What am I truly? Am I a friend?
A crutch to hold onto when you're feeling down?
Something that entertains you? Am I anything other than something you use to pass the time?
What is it?
Or is it something more? Am I a plaything? Is that it? Is it funny to watch me squirm?
You confuse me. You will always confuse me. I will never be able to understand your logic nor your reasoning. Why do you do this to me? I don't understand it.
I have never felt anything so horrible.
Such a stabbing, nasty, prickly feeling love is.
It makes me sick to my stomach to think about you. It makes me want to curl up and die when I think about you.
It makes me cry when I think about you.
Every time.
You hurt me so badly. That is all you ever do to me is hurt me.With every word out of your mouth I feel lower and lower. With every action you take the more I weep. I cry harder than I ever have in my entire life because of you. Each time it lasts longer and is worse.
Why can't you love me? Why can't you care for me? Why can't you see what I'm feeling? Feel what I'm feeling? Get the hint?
Or....maybe you just...don't want to understand me. Maybe you never cared for me at all.
I love you so much...and yet....here I am. Treated as if I am nothing. I feel cheated out of something that I never rightly deserved. You.
If there is fire, I tell you.
You don't listen.
If there is fire, they tell you.
You listen.
Why? I care the most. I CARE the most. I will always care the most. I love you, I can't live without you. I can' t live without your abusive, absurd, silly little fancies.I want to leave you behind so badly. It's like a drug addiction. You're the thing killing me, and I know it, but I just can't put you down. I can't. It's physically impossible for me. My mind won't let my body do it. I can't let you go.
At the very least, I want to feel whole again. At the very least I want you to care again. I want those feelings back. You took them away and buried them in lies, pain, and your own skewed portrayal of what you think life is.
Never in my life did I think things would turn out this way. Never in my life did I consider something so harmless as a game to escalate into true love.
And here I stand. Shouting out and proclaiming to the world that I hate you. And there it sits, my heart shouting out I love you.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Signs
I never think anything is a true sign unless it right out causes something to happen the next day.
But not in this case. In my case I thought perhaps some things didn't matter.
Perhaps it was the awakening of certain souls that lived inside that were a forewarning. Or the impending doom falling in and around us in the false realities we called games. No, I never took the hint when I knew it was you all along.
Because I didn't want to believe it. I was scared of the truth and let things get out of hand.
I feel it is all my fault. Where we are today is my doing.
Maybe it is...maybe it isn't.
But I will never let myself live it down. I let go of one of the most precious things a human being can possess. Friendship.
I will never have that true grasp. I will never be able to feel it's warm embrace, always left out in the cold.
Waiting.
Waiting.
And then it happens again.
Signs. More and more of them.
Intermission November 9th, 2007
Such as today.
Today, exactly one year ago someone spoke to me. And made me feel loved.
Now, exactly one year later, I cry because I ended the relationship with them in such a brutal, and stupid manner.
I'm sorry Toten.
I'm sorry I did that to you. I wish you could forgive me. Even if our friendship was short lived it still left a lasting impact on my heart. I will always be there caring for you. Never forget that. Even if I can never communicate with you or Emily ever again please...feel the emotion. Feel it somehow someway. Even if I'm just a tiny, dark memory floating in your heads let it be known. Let it be known that on this day I was loved by you. Not yet Emily. Her time was later...but it was because of you that I met her. I thank you for that. For a time I felt loved and you did the job right.
I'll never forget you.
You'll never forgive me.
Oh how cruel the world is to me. Somewhere you are out there, somewhere you are living.
I think about you. I loved you like no other. I felt so connected with you. It wasn't even that long that I knew you. I just knew you.
I ended it and I still suffer from it. Let me call it now.
On this day I shed tears for you. And only you.
11/9/07 is sketched into my flesh. May it burn now and forever.
End Intermission
Signs cont.
Everything reminds me of you.
The sunset. Birds. A warm hug.
You have invaded it like a parasite.
I remember...I remember that day I was on a plane.
I saw the clouds, spread out in the sky like some rolling forest of white, pastel colored cotton.
I couldn't help but think of you. I couldn't help the tears that inevitably came along with the thought.
I cried until the sun went down. Soon I was staring, eyes full of tears, at the landscape of my home. The city lights glimmered and twinkled beautifully. But the pain wasn't eased. I felt as if the crushing pressure of my melancholy would suffocate me.
I thought to myself that I would just die from it. That eventually I would stop breathing. Then I caught something out of the corner of my eye.
Fireworks. Someone was shooting them off in the city.
Watching fireworks from such an angle was an amazing experience for me....and for some reason, it made me feel hope. But instead of drying my tears I cried harder. My heart literally wrenched itself inside my chest and I held on until I could no longer see the them.
It was the pain of loving you that I felt.
That will always stick out in my mind and I promise to never forget it until the day I die.
It was a defining moment for me. For you.
You did that to me.
Because I believe everyone around me hates me, in one way or another I must choose death.
Because I am nothing to you all I must do this.
Because I never was what I was expected to be I must take the final course of action.
You
You never really cared. You never really listened when I needed you to listen. You only cared about what mattered most to you....and that was you and your problems.
You had your chance to stop it. You had your chance to do something about it. You had your chance to make a difference.
You did nothing at all. For better or for worse.
You did nothing. And that is why it happens to you. That it is why you must suffer in my place. In the current state I'm only human. In the current state I'm only what I say I am. In the current state I'm in I'm only a memory. A memory best long, long forgotten.
Saying sorry does nothing. Apologies are just weak compensations for the bigger problem. It's just words. Action must be taken to change anything. I understand this is a hard thing to do, considering the current state we are all in, but you could have tried. You could have at the very least, if nothing else, tried. And you never tried.
In the end, it didn't matter anyways because life is just not fair.
In the end it was you who killed me.
Not me.
You might as well have been then one to do it. You might as well have taken my last breath and ran with it, laughing the whole way.
Days
I hate living. I hate having to open my eyes and look at everything. Everything is what I hate. I hate everything because everything hates me.
It's a vicious, disgusting, never-ending cycle. It will never end. Not for me.
I spend my days wandering about, wondering why I was cursed to be on this wretched planet. I just don't understand it. Any of it.
I can't open my mouth without being laughed at. I can't have a voice. I'm not allowed to.
Nothing I say is of importance to anyone. I am nothingness to all. If I am there it is simply acknowledged that another entity is there, but it does not matter to anyone. Nor does it change things.
You
Give me that false sense of security. You are the dangerous one. You are a friend and an enemy. Friend's with my enemies is what you are. What a fool I've been to stay. What a fool I've been to care for you all this time.
I felt no heat when we were close, but I wanted to. It's that sort of caring that I have for everyone else. Untouched and unmoving. Unimportant is what it is.
However there is a sense of caring to the point where I want you for myself. I don't care about your outside life, your other friends...namely the friends that are my enemies. Why? Why do you do this? Why must fate be so cruel?
Why must I be so sensitive? I should not care so much for petty words, petty things like arguments. Off color comments that shouldn't matter at all become everything to me. I obsess over them.
Obsession is not something that merely passes with me, I will obsess over it until the day I die or until said obsession 'dies'.
Hate you
I hate you. I hate you so much you will never be able to even fathom the amount of boiling emotions inside of me.
What am I to you?
What am I truly? Am I a friend?
A crutch to hold onto when you're feeling down?
Something that entertains you? Am I anything other than something you use to pass the time?
What is it?
Or is it something more? Am I a plaything? Is that it? Is it funny to watch me squirm?
You confuse me. You will always confuse me. I will never be able to understand your logic nor your reasoning. Why do you do this to me? I don't understand it.
I have never felt anything so horrible.
Such a stabbing, nasty, prickly feeling love is.
It makes me sick to my stomach to think about you. It makes me want to curl up and die when I think about you.
It makes me cry when I think about you.
Every time.
You hurt me so badly. That is all you ever do to me is hurt me.With every word out of your mouth I feel lower and lower. With every action you take the more I weep. I cry harder than I ever have in my entire life because of you. Each time it lasts longer and is worse.
Why can't you love me? Why can't you care for me? Why can't you see what I'm feeling? Feel what I'm feeling? Get the hint?
Or....maybe you just...don't want to understand me. Maybe you never cared for me at all.
I love you so much...and yet....here I am. Treated as if I am nothing. I feel cheated out of something that I never rightly deserved. You.
If there is fire, I tell you.
You don't listen.
If there is fire, they tell you.
You listen.
Why? I care the most. I CARE the most. I will always care the most. I love you, I can't live without you. I can' t live without your abusive, absurd, silly little fancies.I want to leave you behind so badly. It's like a drug addiction. You're the thing killing me, and I know it, but I just can't put you down. I can't. It's physically impossible for me. My mind won't let my body do it. I can't let you go.
At the very least, I want to feel whole again. At the very least I want you to care again. I want those feelings back. You took them away and buried them in lies, pain, and your own skewed portrayal of what you think life is.
Never in my life did I think things would turn out this way. Never in my life did I consider something so harmless as a game to escalate into true love.
And here I stand. Shouting out and proclaiming to the world that I hate you. And there it sits, my heart shouting out I love you.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Power struggle.
Signs
I never think anything is a true sign unless it right out causes something to happen the next day.
But not in this case. In my case I thought perhaps some things didn't matter.
Perhaps it was the awakening of certain souls that lived inside that were a forewarning. Or the impending doom falling in and around us in the false realities we called games. No, I never took the hint when I knew it was you all along.
Because I didn't want to believe it. I was scared of the truth and let things get out of hand.
I feel it is all my fault. Where we are today is my doing.
Maybe it is...maybe it isn't.
But I will never let myself live it down. I let go of one of the most precious things a human being can possess. Friendship.
I will never have that true grasp. I will never be able to feel it's warm embrace, always left out in the cold.
Waiting.
Waiting.
And then it happens again.
Signs. More and more of them.
Intermission November 9th, 2007
Such as today.
Today, exactly one year ago someone spoke to me. And made me feel loved.
Now, exactly one year later, I cry because I ended the relationship with them in such a brutal, and stupid manner.
I'm sorry Toten.
I'm sorry I did that to you. I wish you could forgive me. Even if our friendship was short lived it still left a lasting impact on my heart. I will always be there caring for you. Never forget that. Even if I can never communicate with you or Emily ever again please...feel the emotion. Feel it somehow someway. Even if I'm just a tiny, dark memory floating in your heads let it be known. Let it be known that on this day I was loved by you. Not yet Emily. Her time was later...but it was because of you that I met her. I thank you for that. For a time I felt loved and you did the job right.
I'll never forget you.
You'll never forgive me.
Oh how cruel the world is to me. Somewhere you are out there, somewhere you are living.
I think about you. I loved you like no other. I felt so connected with you. It wasn't even that long that I knew you. I just knew you.
I ended it and I still suffer from it. Let me call it now.
On this day I shed tears for you. And only you.
11/9/07 is sketched into my flesh. May it burn now and forever.
End Intermission
Signs cont.
Everything reminds me of you.
The sunset. Birds. A warm hug.
You have invaded it like a parasite.
I remember...I remember that day I was on a plane.
I saw the clouds, spread out in the sky like some rolling forest of white, pastel colored cotton.
I couldn't help but think of you. I couldn't help the tears that inevitably came along with the thought.
I cried until the sun went down. Soon I was staring, eyes full of tears, at the landscape of my home. The city lights glimmered and twinkled beautifully. But the pain wasn't eased. I felt as if the crushing pressure of my melancholy would suffocate me.
I thought to myself that I would just die from it. That eventually I would stop breathing. Then I caught something out of the corner of my eye.
Fireworks. Someone was shooting them off in the city.
Watching fireworks from such an angle was an amazing experience for me....and for some reason, it made me feel hope. But instead of drying my tears I cried harder. My heart literally wrenched itself inside my chest and I held on until I could no longer see the them.
It was the pain of loving you that I felt.
That will always stick out in my mind and I promise to never forget it until the day I die.
It was a defining moment for me. For you.
You did that to me.