(no subject)
well it's 10 minutes to 5, and I'm about to give up on life.
How does that happen?
One day I feel like I'v eaccomplished something interesting... like playing the guitar... I've needed to do that one for a long time and thank god I started now. But then I try to go to sleep at night.
and don't. 10 to five and my eyes are burning and not only from the the tears.
my physiotherapist said if I do these excercises and those stretches three times a day for two weeks my back problems will work themselves out. well here I am in pain after a month of it.it all started with a complication from having my mole removed from my back 5 years ago; and then making bunch of bad choices because I was depressed and lonely - and lacking sleep. and maybe some other things that I never figured out.
I've been going into a slow depression ever since my family moved to the island. I was in a neighborhood that worked for me, with friends that supported me, that enjoyed the way I acted - all sorts of positive things that I've glorified in my head for the past 10 years... either erroneously or truthfully, the memories are there. the worst part is feeling there's no way to return to feeling like myself again. to being popular just for the way I was - not for the way people want me to be - but myself.... and my old house is in different hands again - and I can't live there - I can't wind the clock back on my life and live those years I've lost in confidence. Instead, I lived those years rejecting the world, the people around me, because moving from centre stage to the farthest reaches of the nose-bleed section is a little hard on a developing ego. it's so hard to change my habits. I just don't feel like I can recover and be interested in people that don't really care. and why should they? where is my interest? It's left in a little 12 year old boy who won't leave...
the same child that never had the confidence to deal with relationships - with puberty - because his confidence was stripped from him. I feel like I never gained that back ... and like everything I do is completely futile. Every time I think I've grown I know, deep in my heart, that I'm lonely... and I don't get those years back.
"So live these one's to the fullest" they tell me. trying to care now is like picking up the dead body of a 12 year old boy - and burying it.
I guess I've formally decided that I can't deny my depression. and I can't deny my lack of interest in most people around here. I can't deny my sadness over the lost years... lost love. missed chances I'll never get back. bad choices that may have permanently affected my life because I wasn't in the right place... I want to believe there is a right place and that place changes and I just haven't found it yet.
lets just say that I can't function without things like sleep, and two solid years of inconsistant or nonexistant sleep is REALLY starting to wear me down. Many fears are born of fatigue and lonliness - and now I'm faced with spending my life recovering. I want to get ahead... I want to let that little boy go. I want to grow but ... god
people in my generation are whiney. I hear the radio announcer talking about people my age still living at home. people 26 years old still living with their parents who think their parents should support them until they can afford to put a downpayment on a house. WTF!?
has anyone noticed how whiney most popular music is nowadays? WHINE whine whine. We're a bunch of fucking children! how did we ever become so dependant?
...... how can I rise above it? 5:20 now. I forgot how therapeutic LJ could be. the problem isn't solved yet though.
How does that happen?
One day I feel like I'v eaccomplished something interesting... like playing the guitar... I've needed to do that one for a long time and thank god I started now. But then I try to go to sleep at night.
and don't. 10 to five and my eyes are burning and not only from the the tears.
my physiotherapist said if I do these excercises and those stretches three times a day for two weeks my back problems will work themselves out. well here I am in pain after a month of it.it all started with a complication from having my mole removed from my back 5 years ago; and then making bunch of bad choices because I was depressed and lonely - and lacking sleep. and maybe some other things that I never figured out.
I've been going into a slow depression ever since my family moved to the island. I was in a neighborhood that worked for me, with friends that supported me, that enjoyed the way I acted - all sorts of positive things that I've glorified in my head for the past 10 years... either erroneously or truthfully, the memories are there. the worst part is feeling there's no way to return to feeling like myself again. to being popular just for the way I was - not for the way people want me to be - but myself.... and my old house is in different hands again - and I can't live there - I can't wind the clock back on my life and live those years I've lost in confidence. Instead, I lived those years rejecting the world, the people around me, because moving from centre stage to the farthest reaches of the nose-bleed section is a little hard on a developing ego. it's so hard to change my habits. I just don't feel like I can recover and be interested in people that don't really care. and why should they? where is my interest? It's left in a little 12 year old boy who won't leave...
the same child that never had the confidence to deal with relationships - with puberty - because his confidence was stripped from him. I feel like I never gained that back ... and like everything I do is completely futile. Every time I think I've grown I know, deep in my heart, that I'm lonely... and I don't get those years back.
"So live these one's to the fullest" they tell me. trying to care now is like picking up the dead body of a 12 year old boy - and burying it.
I guess I've formally decided that I can't deny my depression. and I can't deny my lack of interest in most people around here. I can't deny my sadness over the lost years... lost love. missed chances I'll never get back. bad choices that may have permanently affected my life because I wasn't in the right place... I want to believe there is a right place and that place changes and I just haven't found it yet.
lets just say that I can't function without things like sleep, and two solid years of inconsistant or nonexistant sleep is REALLY starting to wear me down. Many fears are born of fatigue and lonliness - and now I'm faced with spending my life recovering. I want to get ahead... I want to let that little boy go. I want to grow but ... god
people in my generation are whiney. I hear the radio announcer talking about people my age still living at home. people 26 years old still living with their parents who think their parents should support them until they can afford to put a downpayment on a house. WTF!?
has anyone noticed how whiney most popular music is nowadays? WHINE whine whine. We're a bunch of fucking children! how did we ever become so dependant?
...... how can I rise above it? 5:20 now. I forgot how therapeutic LJ could be. the problem isn't solved yet though.