Hubba lubba
My subjects are mostly pointless. I think it's because I write them before I write the entry. beh.
it's my BIRTHDAY TOMMORROW! i'M 22. woo.
no, I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I never do. I'm thinking Willows and Nate would be great to chill with. maybe some people from work. I don't really know.for so many years I ignored my birthday... or only had a couple people over. sometimes I would join someone else whose birthday was pretty close to mine. For such a long time I was afraid no one would come, or that I wouldn't ... I don't know. but whenever I think about doing nothing on my birthday I feel really sad. I could not imagine a birthday alone. it seems like a time to be with friends.
I loved my last birthday ... I just had a few people over and played video games and talked. it was really nice actually. lazy. I am enjoying the gread 5 vocabulary I'm using right now. it reflects the emotions going through my head.
the truth is, if I were to have a party and invite every person I considered a friend, I would have to rent a community hall. it's just like I still dont' really believe that everyone cares. old pains die hard and the reality is that I'm feeling it slip away now. I'm like a newborn discovering what hurts and what tastes good. and I want to taste everything.
All of my anxiety about wanting to move was about feeling like I wasn't supported. feeling like people didn't really care for me. the truth is the opposite. at one point, long ago people didn't care for me... but those memories die hard. and I've spent the intermittant years not caring about other people. It's hard when I realize I don't have trouble hearing, I have simply learned to tune everyone out. it's a lot harder to tune them back in again. I feel like I'm disabled sometimes.
I forget what people tell me and I'm really interested in getting to know them... but something subconscious still seems to hold me back.it's tiring fighting that all the time. why can't I just accept that people like me. I'm a fun guy. I goofy. i like doggies... seriously.
it's my BIRTHDAY TOMMORROW! i'M 22. woo.
no, I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I never do. I'm thinking Willows and Nate would be great to chill with. maybe some people from work. I don't really know.for so many years I ignored my birthday... or only had a couple people over. sometimes I would join someone else whose birthday was pretty close to mine. For such a long time I was afraid no one would come, or that I wouldn't ... I don't know. but whenever I think about doing nothing on my birthday I feel really sad. I could not imagine a birthday alone. it seems like a time to be with friends.
I loved my last birthday ... I just had a few people over and played video games and talked. it was really nice actually. lazy. I am enjoying the gread 5 vocabulary I'm using right now. it reflects the emotions going through my head.
the truth is, if I were to have a party and invite every person I considered a friend, I would have to rent a community hall. it's just like I still dont' really believe that everyone cares. old pains die hard and the reality is that I'm feeling it slip away now. I'm like a newborn discovering what hurts and what tastes good. and I want to taste everything.
All of my anxiety about wanting to move was about feeling like I wasn't supported. feeling like people didn't really care for me. the truth is the opposite. at one point, long ago people didn't care for me... but those memories die hard. and I've spent the intermittant years not caring about other people. It's hard when I realize I don't have trouble hearing, I have simply learned to tune everyone out. it's a lot harder to tune them back in again. I feel like I'm disabled sometimes.
I forget what people tell me and I'm really interested in getting to know them... but something subconscious still seems to hold me back.it's tiring fighting that all the time. why can't I just accept that people like me. I'm a fun guy. I goofy. i like doggies... seriously.