His Story ch 10: Step Into This Room And Dance For Me (CM, H/R, pg-13)
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Standing there at Reid’s door he knew that the talk which they were going to have would be very important, something to either define or destroy the careful balance they’ve kept their relationship in during the years that had passed. What was he to expect? The finality of it was shattering. He knew there were crossroads in life, he knew it better than well, but although he had years of experience about how to act, in reality he didn’t know any better than he had before. As a man able to take care of things, it was funny how little he had taken part in decisions that concerned him himself. That power he had always left to others and to the circumstances, as if he was just an observer. As if he didn’t have the right when it came to things that concerned other people and their lives, he didn’t want to be responsible of wrecking anything, about pushing others to do what they might not want to. And sometimes this insecurity had led to devastating consequences. And when they did, he blamed himself anyway. How could he know what Reid truly wanted, or what would be best for him?
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. He waited, but nothing happened. He started to think if Reid had fled again, or decided he didn’t want to see Hotch, and was ready to ring again when he heard the rattling of the chain. Then somehow more suddenly than he had readied himself for he was faced with Reid who gave him a slight smile and stepped aside to let him in. His quick observation revealed that he was wearing some light colored pants and a white dress shirt, but what caught his attention was the navy blue knitting he’d pulled over it. It was just slightly too large for his slim frame, but not unstylishly so. Considering his habit of wearing sweaters in his early years in the BAU, it wasn’t that surprising that he had kept the habit, if not at work then off-hours. And it looked good on him, strong blue to fit his brown eyes and sandy hair. His dress sense might have been personal, but it definitely wasn’t outdated or indifferent. And it had developed over the years to fit his age and emotional growth. Like his seemingly non-styled hair that yet still fell perfectly in place to flatter his sharp angular features. It gave him youthful yet mature appearance. Hotch was caught unaware how much he seemed to have been paying attention to these kind of details, and of being oblivious to the reasons why.
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Reid had pushed his hands in his pockets, uneasiness apparent in his movements. He seemed almost cautious. Without saying a word they settled to the same seats in the living room that they had in his last visit, as if their positions in the settings had been secured before.
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">“Do you want something to drink?” Reid offered, trying to end the awkward silence. And although Hotch would have wanted to say yes, he kept his head cool and refused.
“No. I think we should keep our heads sober for this”
Reid kept nodding as if he’d agree. There they were, sitting in silence again.
God how beautiful he was, and fragile and nervous. His eyes shined in the plain light in the shade of translucent amber. How could anyone have such features together with such a mind? It was quite unnatural. Hotch was nervous himself, and didn’t know what to do or what to say. But this time he knew what he wanted. It would be ridiculous to try and deny it now. He had let himself cross the line and in a matter of moments they had given completely different meanings to everything they had experienced together during the years. To the outside observer their relationship may have had seemed innocent, it may have had seemed platonic, it was believable, no one even thought about there was nothing more to it. And yet there was.
When the light in which the events were looked at changed so changed the shadows that they casted. And now they were in those shadows together, and looking at each other with unveiled eyes. Admitting the most guarded and darkest secrets to one another.
Hotch didn’t know where to begin, there were no words delicate enough for situations like these, no accurate enough phrases for the exchange of feelings so multi-dimensional as theirs were. Yet he had to start somewhere.
“I’m not any better at this than you are, Reid” he said, looking at him.
“When you came into my office to drop off your resignation, what on Earth were you thinking?”
“I don’t know… I was… tired to the point of no return. It felt like I was losing my connection to everyone, not being able to be a friend enough. I started to doubt the importance of my participation to the team, whether I was an asset or a liability. Everyone was moving on and I felt like I was just dragging you down, not able to compartmentalize my feelings enough, not on the job or otherwise. It felt like I had lost even your respect. And your friendship and respect have always been very important to me, something to strive for, though I may have sometimes acted in a way that seemed indifferent.”
Hotch sighed.
“You should have said something sooner” was the only thing he could come up with.
“I know. I’m sorry”
“No, there’s nothing to apologize for. I felt that something was off with you, that’s why I wanted to have that talk earlier after you got injured. I knew you weren’t telling me the truth and I should have just kept pushing”
“No, the fault is completely mine. I should have had the strength to be honest. Like I said in the office that night it was never my intension to hurt you or cause you any trouble. And even then it would have been best if I’d have just resigned and left without messing things further” Reid didn’t meet his eyes anymore, just stared at the surface of the table looking like a dog or a child who knows he’s done something wrong and awaits to be beaten for it.
“I can’t understand how you just leaving would have been better, or why you’d want to take the blame for this. I think we’ve both been responsible and hurt for what has and what has not been said or done”
Reid looked frozen, defeated and sad and just stared. Then he suddenly got up and walked to the window that gave to the darkened street.
“But I had no right to do this! Especially now. Not right after Emily left and not when you’re… you have Beth” Reid had began almost angrily, but his voice cracked towards the end.
“I don’t understand how any of that has to do with this. Except for complicating the matters, which is why I only wish that we would have addressed the issue sooner, and that I would have known about your feelings”
Reid snorted, as if amused.
“What difference would it have made? It wouldn’t have changed anything”
Hotch frowned, he was confused.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that the last thing I want is to try and ruin your life. You have things good now for the first time in years and you’re happy. And Jack’s happy. And I think that is the same thing in the end. That’s why I think it’s just best for me to walk away”
After that Reid didn’t say anything, just stood there with tensed shoulders, arms wrapped around himself. When he took a swipe of his face with his sleeve it constricted Hotch’s chest to notice he was crying. He got up and took a few steps closer to Reid.
“Well, I’m sticking up to what I said about refusing to accept your resignation, and that it’s not going to happen if I have anything to say about it. If you want to seal it you’ll have to go over my head to get it. And as for what’s best for me, I think it’s not for you to decide”
“Reid, could you at least look at me?” he continued when Reid didn’t answer, making his voice as gentle as he could though it was difficult to keep it steady when he knew Reid was in pain.
Reid took another swipe at his eyes, but after a moment he finally turned around to face Hotch.
“Reid, do you really think that the kiss on the jet was something that I’d do if I hadn’t already made up my mind about what I wanted?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard for me to figure out what people mean with what they say or do, and you know that” Reid said in almost a whisper, barely taking a glance of him.
“You can just keep telling yourself that, but I think we both know that it’s not true. And we both know what that kiss was all about”
“Well, then I guess you’ll enlighten me?”
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">“It’s about nine years and everything that has happened during those nine years. It’s about doubt, rules and useless norms of what should and shouldn’t be. And especially it’s about two stubborn people afraid of their feelings for one another and of getting hurt. Two people who think they’re fine on their own and without sharing themselves with anyone, and who desperately wish to do the right thing but just don’t know how”
Reid raised his eyes, moist with unshed tears and looked at Hotch. He felt as his chest was being ripped wide open and that his insides had been bared and now he was involuntarily vulnerable to any kind of touch, even the slightest stab could stop his heart. It was uncomfortable and exposed feeling, for nothing good had come out of it before. Why should he trust, why should he believe, for people never had had any mercy no matter how he had begged them not to break him. But this was Hotch. They knew each other. And he had given Reid at least as many weapons to destroy him with as he had in his disposal. It was more than enough for him to know they weren’t fighting against one another, they were fighting together.
“Anything to add or correct?” Hotch asked, and there was nothing for him to do but to shake his head.
“Good, because I would have hated to shut you up”
*
Reid looked up, confused. And then Hotch was there, so close, and Hotch kissed him and Reid couldn’t do anything but to let it happen. So long he had wished that he could just… have it happen. So why object, why continue building obstacles between them when he could have this? There was no uncertainty or doubt in the way Hotch was kissing him. He wanted to match that, so he concentrated on the one thing he really knew; he wanted Hotch. Nothing else really mattered right now.
If he’d ever imagined moments like this - which he would be reluctant to admit - it hadn’t come close to what it really was like. No fantasy could have matched the reality vividly enough. Having Hotch against him and being held and being able to hold was such a wholesome experience. It made the surroundings and worries fade, and although he could for a moment forget all the pain it wasn’t like being high, for he wasn’t escaping. Quite the opposite of that. He was diving into this feeling and taking it as it was.
And nothing was enough, where Hotch had touched him he wanted to be touched again, where his hands had slid over he wanted them to grasp. And no matter how deep the kiss, he always wanted deeper. The hesitant first touches of tongues quickly evolved into heated open mouthed kisses and Hotch let his hand slide to the small of his back pulling their bodies further into contact. Pulse rapid, skin burning, mind dizzy and shaking he slid his long fingers to the back of Hotch’s head and pulled him even closer, wanting him deeper into his mouth.
Hotch sucked and bit his lip, then delved back into his mouth and sucked on his tongue and every gesture Reid returned the first chance he could. It was amazing how good something so messy, out of control and wet could feel. He wasn’t ashamed of his arousal for he could feel Hotch was hard too as their hips rubbed together. They basically cling to each other, feeling their shared heavy breathing from one chest rising against another.
As they were both gasping for air Hotch moved away from his lips and continued to his jaw and then to his neck licking and biting his way down. Reid let his head bend back and leaned it against Hotch’s strong hand that was holding the back of his neck. He gasped and tried his best not to make too ridiculous sounds which led to him letting out heavy, moan-like sighs. It made Hotch grunt against his skin and bite down hard which consequently lead to Reid actually moan audibly.
But then Hotch just stopped, let his head fall against Reid’s shoulder and breathed as to collect himself. They stumbled a little to keep their balance. Reid felt the flood of all kinds of doubts flush over him.
“What is it?” he asked quickly.
“Umm…” Hotch raised his head to look at Reid. His eyes were dark with lust and Reid knew his own must have a similar look.
“Isn’t this a bit rushing into things?” Hotch asked trying to steady his breathing, but not letting go of him. Reid frowned.
“It is?”
Then they just stood there, holding one another, studying each other’s eyes. Reid felt the corners of his lips quirk to the absurdity of the question, and then they were both laughing.
“Hey! I was just trying to be a gentleman” Hotch defended himself, grinning.
“But I guess you’re right it took long enough to get to this point. I guess we could catch up and ditch the half a dozen dates before jumping into bed”
This caused Reid to fall serious again as his brain tried not to fry itself when confronted with the thought that he might actually get to make love with Hotch. Tonight. Naked. In bed. Hotch seemed to misinterpret his expression and his confidence seemed to crumble.
“I… I didn’t mean we’d have to…”
Reid rushed to repair the situation.
“Oh, but you’d better…”
He grinned, leaned closer and licked his lips, which caused Hotch to inhale sharply.
“Well, if you insist” Hotch whispered back with a grin.
***
Chapter 11:
http://common-psycho.livejournal.com/11562.html
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. He waited, but nothing happened. He started to think if Reid had fled again, or decided he didn’t want to see Hotch, and was ready to ring again when he heard the rattling of the chain. Then somehow more suddenly than he had readied himself for he was faced with Reid who gave him a slight smile and stepped aside to let him in. His quick observation revealed that he was wearing some light colored pants and a white dress shirt, but what caught his attention was the navy blue knitting he’d pulled over it. It was just slightly too large for his slim frame, but not unstylishly so. Considering his habit of wearing sweaters in his early years in the BAU, it wasn’t that surprising that he had kept the habit, if not at work then off-hours. And it looked good on him, strong blue to fit his brown eyes and sandy hair. His dress sense might have been personal, but it definitely wasn’t outdated or indifferent. And it had developed over the years to fit his age and emotional growth. Like his seemingly non-styled hair that yet still fell perfectly in place to flatter his sharp angular features. It gave him youthful yet mature appearance. Hotch was caught unaware how much he seemed to have been paying attention to these kind of details, and of being oblivious to the reasons why.
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Reid had pushed his hands in his pockets, uneasiness apparent in his movements. He seemed almost cautious. Without saying a word they settled to the same seats in the living room that they had in his last visit, as if their positions in the settings had been secured before.
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">“Do you want something to drink?” Reid offered, trying to end the awkward silence. And although Hotch would have wanted to say yes, he kept his head cool and refused.
“No. I think we should keep our heads sober for this”
Reid kept nodding as if he’d agree. There they were, sitting in silence again.
God how beautiful he was, and fragile and nervous. His eyes shined in the plain light in the shade of translucent amber. How could anyone have such features together with such a mind? It was quite unnatural. Hotch was nervous himself, and didn’t know what to do or what to say. But this time he knew what he wanted. It would be ridiculous to try and deny it now. He had let himself cross the line and in a matter of moments they had given completely different meanings to everything they had experienced together during the years. To the outside observer their relationship may have had seemed innocent, it may have had seemed platonic, it was believable, no one even thought about there was nothing more to it. And yet there was.
When the light in which the events were looked at changed so changed the shadows that they casted. And now they were in those shadows together, and looking at each other with unveiled eyes. Admitting the most guarded and darkest secrets to one another.
Hotch didn’t know where to begin, there were no words delicate enough for situations like these, no accurate enough phrases for the exchange of feelings so multi-dimensional as theirs were. Yet he had to start somewhere.
“I’m not any better at this than you are, Reid” he said, looking at him.
“When you came into my office to drop off your resignation, what on Earth were you thinking?”
“I don’t know… I was… tired to the point of no return. It felt like I was losing my connection to everyone, not being able to be a friend enough. I started to doubt the importance of my participation to the team, whether I was an asset or a liability. Everyone was moving on and I felt like I was just dragging you down, not able to compartmentalize my feelings enough, not on the job or otherwise. It felt like I had lost even your respect. And your friendship and respect have always been very important to me, something to strive for, though I may have sometimes acted in a way that seemed indifferent.”
Hotch sighed.
“You should have said something sooner” was the only thing he could come up with.
“I know. I’m sorry”
“No, there’s nothing to apologize for. I felt that something was off with you, that’s why I wanted to have that talk earlier after you got injured. I knew you weren’t telling me the truth and I should have just kept pushing”
“No, the fault is completely mine. I should have had the strength to be honest. Like I said in the office that night it was never my intension to hurt you or cause you any trouble. And even then it would have been best if I’d have just resigned and left without messing things further” Reid didn’t meet his eyes anymore, just stared at the surface of the table looking like a dog or a child who knows he’s done something wrong and awaits to be beaten for it.
“I can’t understand how you just leaving would have been better, or why you’d want to take the blame for this. I think we’ve both been responsible and hurt for what has and what has not been said or done”
Reid looked frozen, defeated and sad and just stared. Then he suddenly got up and walked to the window that gave to the darkened street.
“But I had no right to do this! Especially now. Not right after Emily left and not when you’re… you have Beth” Reid had began almost angrily, but his voice cracked towards the end.
“I don’t understand how any of that has to do with this. Except for complicating the matters, which is why I only wish that we would have addressed the issue sooner, and that I would have known about your feelings”
Reid snorted, as if amused.
“What difference would it have made? It wouldn’t have changed anything”
Hotch frowned, he was confused.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that the last thing I want is to try and ruin your life. You have things good now for the first time in years and you’re happy. And Jack’s happy. And I think that is the same thing in the end. That’s why I think it’s just best for me to walk away”
After that Reid didn’t say anything, just stood there with tensed shoulders, arms wrapped around himself. When he took a swipe of his face with his sleeve it constricted Hotch’s chest to notice he was crying. He got up and took a few steps closer to Reid.
“Well, I’m sticking up to what I said about refusing to accept your resignation, and that it’s not going to happen if I have anything to say about it. If you want to seal it you’ll have to go over my head to get it. And as for what’s best for me, I think it’s not for you to decide”
“Reid, could you at least look at me?” he continued when Reid didn’t answer, making his voice as gentle as he could though it was difficult to keep it steady when he knew Reid was in pain.
Reid took another swipe at his eyes, but after a moment he finally turned around to face Hotch.
“Reid, do you really think that the kiss on the jet was something that I’d do if I hadn’t already made up my mind about what I wanted?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard for me to figure out what people mean with what they say or do, and you know that” Reid said in almost a whisper, barely taking a glance of him.
“You can just keep telling yourself that, but I think we both know that it’s not true. And we both know what that kiss was all about”
“Well, then I guess you’ll enlighten me?”
mso-ansi-language:EN-US">“It’s about nine years and everything that has happened during those nine years. It’s about doubt, rules and useless norms of what should and shouldn’t be. And especially it’s about two stubborn people afraid of their feelings for one another and of getting hurt. Two people who think they’re fine on their own and without sharing themselves with anyone, and who desperately wish to do the right thing but just don’t know how”
Reid raised his eyes, moist with unshed tears and looked at Hotch. He felt as his chest was being ripped wide open and that his insides had been bared and now he was involuntarily vulnerable to any kind of touch, even the slightest stab could stop his heart. It was uncomfortable and exposed feeling, for nothing good had come out of it before. Why should he trust, why should he believe, for people never had had any mercy no matter how he had begged them not to break him. But this was Hotch. They knew each other. And he had given Reid at least as many weapons to destroy him with as he had in his disposal. It was more than enough for him to know they weren’t fighting against one another, they were fighting together.
“Anything to add or correct?” Hotch asked, and there was nothing for him to do but to shake his head.
“Good, because I would have hated to shut you up”
*
Reid looked up, confused. And then Hotch was there, so close, and Hotch kissed him and Reid couldn’t do anything but to let it happen. So long he had wished that he could just… have it happen. So why object, why continue building obstacles between them when he could have this? There was no uncertainty or doubt in the way Hotch was kissing him. He wanted to match that, so he concentrated on the one thing he really knew; he wanted Hotch. Nothing else really mattered right now.
If he’d ever imagined moments like this - which he would be reluctant to admit - it hadn’t come close to what it really was like. No fantasy could have matched the reality vividly enough. Having Hotch against him and being held and being able to hold was such a wholesome experience. It made the surroundings and worries fade, and although he could for a moment forget all the pain it wasn’t like being high, for he wasn’t escaping. Quite the opposite of that. He was diving into this feeling and taking it as it was.
And nothing was enough, where Hotch had touched him he wanted to be touched again, where his hands had slid over he wanted them to grasp. And no matter how deep the kiss, he always wanted deeper. The hesitant first touches of tongues quickly evolved into heated open mouthed kisses and Hotch let his hand slide to the small of his back pulling their bodies further into contact. Pulse rapid, skin burning, mind dizzy and shaking he slid his long fingers to the back of Hotch’s head and pulled him even closer, wanting him deeper into his mouth.
Hotch sucked and bit his lip, then delved back into his mouth and sucked on his tongue and every gesture Reid returned the first chance he could. It was amazing how good something so messy, out of control and wet could feel. He wasn’t ashamed of his arousal for he could feel Hotch was hard too as their hips rubbed together. They basically cling to each other, feeling their shared heavy breathing from one chest rising against another.
As they were both gasping for air Hotch moved away from his lips and continued to his jaw and then to his neck licking and biting his way down. Reid let his head bend back and leaned it against Hotch’s strong hand that was holding the back of his neck. He gasped and tried his best not to make too ridiculous sounds which led to him letting out heavy, moan-like sighs. It made Hotch grunt against his skin and bite down hard which consequently lead to Reid actually moan audibly.
But then Hotch just stopped, let his head fall against Reid’s shoulder and breathed as to collect himself. They stumbled a little to keep their balance. Reid felt the flood of all kinds of doubts flush over him.
“What is it?” he asked quickly.
“Umm…” Hotch raised his head to look at Reid. His eyes were dark with lust and Reid knew his own must have a similar look.
“Isn’t this a bit rushing into things?” Hotch asked trying to steady his breathing, but not letting go of him. Reid frowned.
“It is?”
Then they just stood there, holding one another, studying each other’s eyes. Reid felt the corners of his lips quirk to the absurdity of the question, and then they were both laughing.
“Hey! I was just trying to be a gentleman” Hotch defended himself, grinning.
“But I guess you’re right it took long enough to get to this point. I guess we could catch up and ditch the half a dozen dates before jumping into bed”
This caused Reid to fall serious again as his brain tried not to fry itself when confronted with the thought that he might actually get to make love with Hotch. Tonight. Naked. In bed. Hotch seemed to misinterpret his expression and his confidence seemed to crumble.
“I… I didn’t mean we’d have to…”
Reid rushed to repair the situation.
“Oh, but you’d better…”
He grinned, leaned closer and licked his lips, which caused Hotch to inhale sharply.
“Well, if you insist” Hotch whispered back with a grin.
***
Chapter 11:
http://common-psycho.livejournal.com/11562.html