i've been slowly falling apart...unseen...
Work, school, placement, family, brian.. sounds like the usual for me but I'm losing it. I can't handle this stress for much longer. If I'm not at work, I'm at school or placement. I try to make time for my family and for Brian but then I don't have time for homework. I've been averaging 3 hours of sleep a night just trying to keep up with everything. I can't get over this stress. I hate placement, I love work and school but placement adds so much on.
I have a test tomorrow and two assignments due. I was up til 3 this morning trying to get a report done. I had a complete breakdown at Brian last night and couldn't stop crying and screaming because everyone wants something of me and everything wants to come in first. Everyday something goes wrong or I piss someone off or I lose something... I hate it. I'm not the kind of person to run from my problems but I feel like I can't be in control. My weight has shot up, I'm barely eating and when I do eat the food is junk. Pop, chips, anything I can grab on the go. I'm spending money like I am a billionaire and I'm not, obviously. Maybe I'm a little bit weak, I let my frailty take the wheel. All I want to do is please everyone and I can't. I end up hurting Brian and that hurts me more. I can't spend the time with him that I need to, the time he deserves and I scream at him and yell and cry and it's so fucking unfair to him.
I can't take it anymore. This isn't me. I am the one who's supposed to be on top of everything and in control, not breaking down and losing it. I'm burning out and I know it and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I don't sleep, I barely ear, I never exercise anymore. I used to run 10km a day and now? nothing. I don't have time for the things I really love... my family, brian, music, art. My life is in total disarray and I can't change it because there isn't any time. 24 hours in a day isn't enough anymore. My to do lists are fucking endless. I haven't seen my bedroom floor since May and there's no time to clean or anything... I'm losing it. All I need is a day to get my life in order and I can't have it. I can't book time off work because Gillian never gives it to me and I can't call in sick because my parents won't let me....
I just want to calm down and do what I need to do and have some fun but there isn't enough time...
I have a test tomorrow and two assignments due. I was up til 3 this morning trying to get a report done. I had a complete breakdown at Brian last night and couldn't stop crying and screaming because everyone wants something of me and everything wants to come in first. Everyday something goes wrong or I piss someone off or I lose something... I hate it. I'm not the kind of person to run from my problems but I feel like I can't be in control. My weight has shot up, I'm barely eating and when I do eat the food is junk. Pop, chips, anything I can grab on the go. I'm spending money like I am a billionaire and I'm not, obviously. Maybe I'm a little bit weak, I let my frailty take the wheel. All I want to do is please everyone and I can't. I end up hurting Brian and that hurts me more. I can't spend the time with him that I need to, the time he deserves and I scream at him and yell and cry and it's so fucking unfair to him.
I can't take it anymore. This isn't me. I am the one who's supposed to be on top of everything and in control, not breaking down and losing it. I'm burning out and I know it and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I don't sleep, I barely ear, I never exercise anymore. I used to run 10km a day and now? nothing. I don't have time for the things I really love... my family, brian, music, art. My life is in total disarray and I can't change it because there isn't any time. 24 hours in a day isn't enough anymore. My to do lists are fucking endless. I haven't seen my bedroom floor since May and there's no time to clean or anything... I'm losing it. All I need is a day to get my life in order and I can't have it. I can't book time off work because Gillian never gives it to me and I can't call in sick because my parents won't let me....
I just want to calm down and do what I need to do and have some fun but there isn't enough time...