A strange day.
We have officially passed what would have been my 4 year anniversary with Cameron. I mentioned this to him and he kind of shrugged it off. We didnt' talk to each other much today, even though he was home AND awake all day with me. I spent the day in my pajamas doing a lot of nothing trying not to think too hard.
I'm sad, of course, but I'm seeing more and more reasons not to be enamored with Cameron. The easy way he can become SO selfish and the way I've almost trained him to expect subservience from me is pathetic. When I don't bring him his dinner (after cooking it for him) he forgets to eat. Seriously. I'll tell him dinner is ready, get my own plate, sit about 4 feet away from him eating it, and twenty minutes later he'll look around, bewildered, and get up and get his own food. I don't think he expects me personally to bring him food, it's just been a long time since he's not had most of his meals delivered to him. That doesn't really make him an asshole, because he's not demanding that I bring him food, chopchop, and I have the option of not cooking at all, but I'm hungry too, damnit. He's just used to someone waiting on him hand and foot, and sometimes I forget I don't have to anymore. Not that I ever had to, but I wanted him to feel special and didn't mind going that extra mile.
Fuck, I was a great girlfriend. Cooking and serving meals, doing his laundry, always ready with affection/sex anytime he wanted it (which was almost fucking never), plus all the random gifts and little nothings I would leave for him in his car or whatever. I can't remember the last gift I got from him really. Other than when he took me out for the day on my birthday, but birthdays aren't really all that optional. I overcompensated on the optional gifts I think. Even now I have to control my urge to buy stuff I see when he's not with me. I think, "Oo, Cameron would love that!" and I have to stop myself from spending MY very scarce money on him. That's sad.
I still need him to notice when I've done my makeup or when I've finished some task. I'm one of those people that wants a cookie for doing things I'm already supposed to do. Like, "Hey, I finished doing the dishes, praise me! Hey, I finished my homework before class, praise me! Hey, I brushed my teeth, praise me!" That comes from childhood and being over-complimented by my mother to the point that now I need someone to see every good thing I do because I love the attention and praise it gets me. Stupid mom. Even now she blindly assumes I'm doing excellent in school (I'm not) or that I'm working really hard (I'm not) and I can't tell her that I'm unemployed and scraping by in school because I just lack motivation. If she knew that and was disappointed in me, I would die. Or at least I think so. I don't even like my mom that much, she's irritating and she makes awful decisions with her life, but damnit if I don't NEED her to tell me how great I am.
... that's enough self-pity I think. I have to pee anyway.
I'm sad, of course, but I'm seeing more and more reasons not to be enamored with Cameron. The easy way he can become SO selfish and the way I've almost trained him to expect subservience from me is pathetic. When I don't bring him his dinner (after cooking it for him) he forgets to eat. Seriously. I'll tell him dinner is ready, get my own plate, sit about 4 feet away from him eating it, and twenty minutes later he'll look around, bewildered, and get up and get his own food. I don't think he expects me personally to bring him food, it's just been a long time since he's not had most of his meals delivered to him. That doesn't really make him an asshole, because he's not demanding that I bring him food, chopchop, and I have the option of not cooking at all, but I'm hungry too, damnit. He's just used to someone waiting on him hand and foot, and sometimes I forget I don't have to anymore. Not that I ever had to, but I wanted him to feel special and didn't mind going that extra mile.
Fuck, I was a great girlfriend. Cooking and serving meals, doing his laundry, always ready with affection/sex anytime he wanted it (which was almost fucking never), plus all the random gifts and little nothings I would leave for him in his car or whatever. I can't remember the last gift I got from him really. Other than when he took me out for the day on my birthday, but birthdays aren't really all that optional. I overcompensated on the optional gifts I think. Even now I have to control my urge to buy stuff I see when he's not with me. I think, "Oo, Cameron would love that!" and I have to stop myself from spending MY very scarce money on him. That's sad.
I still need him to notice when I've done my makeup or when I've finished some task. I'm one of those people that wants a cookie for doing things I'm already supposed to do. Like, "Hey, I finished doing the dishes, praise me! Hey, I finished my homework before class, praise me! Hey, I brushed my teeth, praise me!" That comes from childhood and being over-complimented by my mother to the point that now I need someone to see every good thing I do because I love the attention and praise it gets me. Stupid mom. Even now she blindly assumes I'm doing excellent in school (I'm not) or that I'm working really hard (I'm not) and I can't tell her that I'm unemployed and scraping by in school because I just lack motivation. If she knew that and was disappointed in me, I would die. Or at least I think so. I don't even like my mom that much, she's irritating and she makes awful decisions with her life, but damnit if I don't NEED her to tell me how great I am.
... that's enough self-pity I think. I have to pee anyway.