(no subject)
i feel low when i search for men online. its not just about getting dates. ultimately, i seek justification, acceptance, approval, validation. i want to feel wanted, even if by strangers. when i don't meet anyone, or have meaningful conversations, i feel stupid, sad and as though i'm wasting my time. i message guys that i think are interesting and they rarely respond which leaves me waiting and feeling as if i'm not good enough for anybody I want. feel that i have to sit and wait for someone else to want me and then sift through the bullshit to see if they are worthwhile. (96% of the time...they are not). deserately seeking that connection. this was supposed to be fun. now it feels desperate and hopeless and yet without it i feel as if i have no options. a crutch. where else can i go? what else can i do? how else will i pass the time? how unattractive is desparation? VERY! the more i look, and the harder i try, the less i find. from now on, if browsing profiles and chatting to peeps makes me feel anything less than entertained or excited, then its time to get off the fucking internet!
also. i hung out with john last night. went for tea, talked at his place, fooled around, slept beside each other. this morning, when i woke up i cried. it was weird...maybe i was dreaming but don't remember. listening to sigur ros first thing in the am didn't help. but anyway..i skipped a part. in two weeks he's going back home to newfoundland, and from there who knows where he's going. i doubt i'll ever see him again. and i honestly never thought it would affect me this much. i guess i've always left a place for him in my heart (even while my head knew nothing was ever going to happen) and its sad to know that whatever we had will be no more. its like the end of an unrelationship. if that makes sense. no more bootycalls, no more warm body to lay beside and listen to fall asleep. sigh.
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i said SIGH! haha.
also. i hung out with john last night. went for tea, talked at his place, fooled around, slept beside each other. this morning, when i woke up i cried. it was weird...maybe i was dreaming but don't remember. listening to sigur ros first thing in the am didn't help. but anyway..i skipped a part. in two weeks he's going back home to newfoundland, and from there who knows where he's going. i doubt i'll ever see him again. and i honestly never thought it would affect me this much. i guess i've always left a place for him in my heart (even while my head knew nothing was ever going to happen) and its sad to know that whatever we had will be no more. its like the end of an unrelationship. if that makes sense. no more bootycalls, no more warm body to lay beside and listen to fall asleep. sigh.
.
..
...
..
.
i said SIGH! haha.