shake it baby, come on scream, did i see yr face on a magazine
The earthquake last night rattled me out of my sleep. I felt a huge thrust, and as my body was jolted awake, all I heard was a loud crash that sounded like a semi barreling into our building and windows shaking. I heard everything on the shelves shifting, and once it stopped, all I heard was my heart beating...and Autumn and Kaya snoring. Snoring? I know 4.2 isn't that large of a quake, but I also know it was the largest I've felt since I lived here. My heart was in such overdrive that I couldn't get back to sleep. I just kept thinking 'Aftershocks, aftershocks, aftershocks--sometimes they're bigger than the first quake.'
Fuck. The epicenter was two miles from Oakland, which explains why it was so present here.
I finally fell back asleep after I convinced myself that the earth was settled for the time being. Subduction and tectonic plates. Then we're all swimming someday.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
On a different note, I now have every Friday free to myself. It's the beginning of my three day weekend, and Autumn has decided to become a rich woman's maid. I was a little confused by why she'd want to add more work on Friday, my day off, instead of pick up work on one of the FOUR other days that I work during the week, but I realize that I'm not going to be able to make sense out of my grrlfriend not wanting to spend time with me. You can't make sense when yr partner stops doing the things that make you feel special.
I haven't felt loved in over nine months. I haven't felt valued in nine months. I feel like an erased pencil entry, and it bothers me. It's strange to watch yr partner, "soul mate," overextend herself to everyone--emotionally, physically, spiritually, timely--and to refuse to extend even the skimpiest necessities yr way. I don't think relationships should make me sad. I don't think yr soulmate should leave you feeling empty and neglected. I have tried to verbalize what I'm feeling. I've tried to physically speak what I'm feeling. I've begged the cosmic order to organize things.
In the last year, she's changed more than she did in twelve years of me knowing her. Unfortunately, they aren't changes I can really stand behind, especially if this is it--especially if this is the bulk of the change. Callous, removed, hollow, inconsiderate, uncaring, still depressed, still confused, still directionless. Unable to connect with me, unable to meet me even a quarter of the way. I feel like I'm the last letter on her to-do list. Fuck. I don't even know if I'm on the list anymore. It's becoming so hard to love someone so much, and to give them so much, and to want them to be there for you so badly but to continue to walk away with nothing.
I'm living in denial right now. I keep telling myself that this will all change, and that she will snap back into this life, this relationship. I want to believe that the love will reappear, and I want to think that she'll exchange all the fillers in her life for real emotional and personal growth, but...I keep waiting...and I've waited for twelve years for her to be the person she really is, really can be, and really should be. It's becoming too much to watch her cheat herself out of happiness and success. It's also translating into my life, so that I'm being cheated out of happiness and success.
I used to think that when people said you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else that they were full of shit. Well, I still think that's shit, actually. I don't think you have to love yourself to love someone else, but I do think you have to truly love and value yourself to be in love with someone else.
I've always been so concerned with equality and what's fair...and now look at me...hovering in the air on a teeter totter, with my feet dangling, while the person on the other end gets to have their feet on the ground.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Even after all of that, I'm not sad. I could muster up some depression, and I could turn on some water works, but really it's too beautiful outside, and the doggy love of my life is waiting for me. I'm naked, and I want a cigarette.
I'm free for the day, and I want to get a tattoo or a piercing. Piercings are cheaper, but I'm thinking of just doing a very small sun star fish..$50-$60...
I want to get the Marilyn piercing. Those of you who know me, and know my face, what do you think about it? My grrlfriend told me that she thought it'd look ugly and I shouldn't get it, but I really want it. I'm just feeling a bit insecure about it now, so I need some feedback. Would it look stupid?
Fuck. The epicenter was two miles from Oakland, which explains why it was so present here.
I finally fell back asleep after I convinced myself that the earth was settled for the time being. Subduction and tectonic plates. Then we're all swimming someday.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
On a different note, I now have every Friday free to myself. It's the beginning of my three day weekend, and Autumn has decided to become a rich woman's maid. I was a little confused by why she'd want to add more work on Friday, my day off, instead of pick up work on one of the FOUR other days that I work during the week, but I realize that I'm not going to be able to make sense out of my grrlfriend not wanting to spend time with me. You can't make sense when yr partner stops doing the things that make you feel special.
I haven't felt loved in over nine months. I haven't felt valued in nine months. I feel like an erased pencil entry, and it bothers me. It's strange to watch yr partner, "soul mate," overextend herself to everyone--emotionally, physically, spiritually, timely--and to refuse to extend even the skimpiest necessities yr way. I don't think relationships should make me sad. I don't think yr soulmate should leave you feeling empty and neglected. I have tried to verbalize what I'm feeling. I've tried to physically speak what I'm feeling. I've begged the cosmic order to organize things.
In the last year, she's changed more than she did in twelve years of me knowing her. Unfortunately, they aren't changes I can really stand behind, especially if this is it--especially if this is the bulk of the change. Callous, removed, hollow, inconsiderate, uncaring, still depressed, still confused, still directionless. Unable to connect with me, unable to meet me even a quarter of the way. I feel like I'm the last letter on her to-do list. Fuck. I don't even know if I'm on the list anymore. It's becoming so hard to love someone so much, and to give them so much, and to want them to be there for you so badly but to continue to walk away with nothing.
I'm living in denial right now. I keep telling myself that this will all change, and that she will snap back into this life, this relationship. I want to believe that the love will reappear, and I want to think that she'll exchange all the fillers in her life for real emotional and personal growth, but...I keep waiting...and I've waited for twelve years for her to be the person she really is, really can be, and really should be. It's becoming too much to watch her cheat herself out of happiness and success. It's also translating into my life, so that I'm being cheated out of happiness and success.
I used to think that when people said you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else that they were full of shit. Well, I still think that's shit, actually. I don't think you have to love yourself to love someone else, but I do think you have to truly love and value yourself to be in love with someone else.
I've always been so concerned with equality and what's fair...and now look at me...hovering in the air on a teeter totter, with my feet dangling, while the person on the other end gets to have their feet on the ground.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Even after all of that, I'm not sad. I could muster up some depression, and I could turn on some water works, but really it's too beautiful outside, and the doggy love of my life is waiting for me. I'm naked, and I want a cigarette.
I'm free for the day, and I want to get a tattoo or a piercing. Piercings are cheaper, but I'm thinking of just doing a very small sun star fish..$50-$60...
I want to get the Marilyn piercing. Those of you who know me, and know my face, what do you think about it? My grrlfriend told me that she thought it'd look ugly and I shouldn't get it, but I really want it. I'm just feeling a bit insecure about it now, so I need some feedback. Would it look stupid?