Re: More crack than porn. Sorry.lori_leafFebruary 25 2009, 20:14:41 UTC
John Winchester Center for Badassery? You are my new favorite person EVER.
And I just can't stop writing this!
***
"It's Hell, Dean. There is no pie."
"No pie?! You can braid the wick of a candle but you can't provide me PIE? What kind of Demon King are you?"
"I'm not baking you a pie, Dean. You'd complain about it tasting funny and then call me a girl... again."
"Delegate Sammy! Frank would make me pie. Just ask Frank to make me pie."
"I thought you wanted Frank to slaughter virgins."
"No that's Phil, the Destroyer of Earth. By the way, fun fact, did you know that Phil is responsible for all the sink holes in Florida? Phil has skills. Phil would make me pie."
"I'm not making you pie."
"I didn't say you were making me pie. I was saying PHIL would make me pie. Because Phil loves me more then you do."
"How about you cuddle with Phil tonight then? How about we let Phil bang you with ancient holy relics?"
"Don't get pissy Sam. Phil has a penis of unrealistic proportions. That's not going anywhere near my ass. And I'm not sure Phil HAS an ass so we won't be playing 'plunder the booty' with Pirate Dean either. Plus I don't cuddle. Girls cuddle. I make sure you don't fall off the bed in the middle of the night because someone here is clumsy."
"If you're keeping me from falling off the bed, why are you the little spoon?"
"Dammit Sam, stop telling the minions these things! That's private!"
"You stuff the Rylik candle up your ass and try to get me to spank you with the Tablet of Minonk in public, and you're worried about the minions hearing you're the little spoon?!"
"Kinky sex is awesome, cuddling is for girls."
"You're so... weird!"
"Your face is weird."
"Dean!"
"What?"
"Can you stop acting like a five year old for three seconds and just focus?"
"I am focusing! I'm focusing on the fact that you are not impressed with my awesome outside-the-box thinking with sex toys and paddles and the fact you won't get me pie and the fact that you're telling the minions I cuddle. Any more facts I should be focusing on?"
"You are the crappiest Unholy Consort ever."
"Your FACE is the crappiest Unholy Consort ever."
"Dean!"
"What?"
"... fine. I'll get Phil to bake you pie if you shut up."
"You know what's awesome for getting people to shut up?"
Re: More crack than porn. Sorry.lori_leafFebruary 25 2009, 22:29:56 UTC
I haven't written anything as cracky as this before. This is the fanfic I write in my brain that never makes the translation to paper because I always get stuck somewhere. Whenever we finish... whatever the hell this is, we should post it though. Crack should be shared. That's what the man on the street corner tells me anyway.
***
"You're turning my minions against me, Dean. When we have a demonic uprising we'll all know who to blame."
"Don't be a Negative Nancy, Sammy. You're the one who never talks to them. You just yell at them and send them to their doom in epic battles against the Horde."
"I'm the Demon KING. That's what we do! We don't have share and care time with the DEMONIC KING."
"You know if you DID have share and care time, you'd know that Bob is lactose intolerant and his lack of ice cream makes him sad. You know would be a good motivator instead of yelling? Telling him that the other guys love eating ice cream. I bet he'd slaughter the Horde for you then. But you didn't think of that, did you Sammy? You didn't think of that because you never talk to the minions."
"They're minions Dean. Their job is to worship me and bring Hell on Earth. It's a pretty simple job requirement. We don't have the funds for therapy sessions, and I cannot believe that YOU'RE the one advocating bonding time with the minions."
"Well if we can't have BONDAGE time with us, I'll advocate bonding time with the minions... did you see how I did that? I made a play on words."
"Yeah Dean, I got that."
"Fine. Don't be impressed."
"Don't pout."
"You know I went to a lot of trouble to make Hell a nice place for us. I found us toys. I made a bondage chair... do you know how hard it is to make a bondage chair? I had to carve the bones of the innocent into a phallis and then find glue to attach it to the throne. Do you know how hard it is to find glue in Hell? We're in the habit of breaking things in Hell, not fixing them. I had to go to the fifth circle and use plants from the Stygian marsh. It took time and effort Sam and it's like you don't even care."
"You went to the Stygian marsh?"
"Yes. And it's not a very pleasant place I'll have you know. Phlegyas was a little bitch about me using his boat to get sticky vines."
"That actually is kind of sweet Dean."
"Finally! You finally acknowledge my efforts."
"I mean, I didn't know that you were so bored while I was slaughtering the innocents."
"Of course I'm bored! You have all the fun filling whirlpools with the blood of the traitors and I'm just stuck here, waiting for you. I'm a glorified sex toy Sam. Can you blame me for being bored?"
"I guess not. I guess you do deserve pie and sex. I just wish you wouldn't raid Hells treasures for kinky props. Maybe we can find you another job in addition to being my Unholy Consort. How would you like to devise new tortures for the newly dead?"
"Like giving them boxes of chocolate and leaving only the old, crusty, rock hard caramel ones? No marshmellow fluffy ones?"
"Uh, yeah I guess that'd work. I was thinking more along the lines of pulling their teeth out, but I guess you could rot their teeth too."
"I could make them transcribe the lyrics to popular songs and watch their horror as they realize all of their favorite artists are idiots!"
"Sure Dean."
"I could give them a Big Gulp, stuff them in the car, and then never pull over when they have to pee."
"Dean.. this sounds like all the stuff you did to ME when we were little."
Re: More crack than porn. Sorry.lori_leafFebruary 25 2009, 23:06:15 UTC
*g* Of COURSE Dean is dissatisfied with his life as a dick and a hole. Of course he wants to experience the finer things in life... hense his forays into arts and crafts.
Thank you for writing an epic dialogue fic with me. I'll happily post it.
And you're a UKer? Congrats on the American dialect! I would have never guessed! I appreciate the fact that Dean never said "lad." That's my biggest pet peeve in fanfic (well ONE of my biggest pet peeves).
Re: More crack than porn. Sorry.lori_leafFebruary 25 2009, 23:50:17 UTC
My inner drama geek loves the Sarte quote. (Lets be honest, my inner drama geek is also my outer drama geek.)
How about "My Little Consort"? or "Hell is for Re-Decorating" or "Phil, the Destroyer of the Earth, has a Bigger Penis then You." or "Hell's Antiques Are Not Sex Toys" or "You Can't Call a Demon Bob" or "Rylik's Candle is Not a Buttplug"?
Re: More crack than porn. Sorry.lori_leafFebruary 25 2009, 23:41:40 UTC
I've read so many great stories with wonderful ideas... only the writer lacked an American beta to say "yeah, we don't say "lad" and people will make fun of you if Sam puts on a jumper." I didn't see ANY Britishisms in your writing though, so you get kudos. Dean will bake you metaphorical cookies in the fires of Hell for this accomplishment.
And I just can't stop writing this!
***
"It's Hell, Dean. There is no pie."
"No pie?! You can braid the wick of a candle but you can't provide me PIE? What kind of Demon King are you?"
"I'm not baking you a pie, Dean. You'd complain about it tasting funny and then call me a girl... again."
"Delegate Sammy! Frank would make me pie. Just ask Frank to make me pie."
"I thought you wanted Frank to slaughter virgins."
"No that's Phil, the Destroyer of Earth. By the way, fun fact, did you know that Phil is responsible for all the sink holes in Florida? Phil has skills. Phil would make me pie."
"I'm not making you pie."
"I didn't say you were making me pie. I was saying PHIL would make me pie. Because Phil loves me more then you do."
"How about you cuddle with Phil tonight then? How about we let Phil bang you with ancient holy relics?"
"Don't get pissy Sam. Phil has a penis of unrealistic proportions. That's not going anywhere near my ass. And I'm not sure Phil HAS an ass so we won't be playing 'plunder the booty' with Pirate Dean either. Plus I don't cuddle. Girls cuddle. I make sure you don't fall off the bed in the middle of the night because someone here is clumsy."
"If you're keeping me from falling off the bed, why are you the little spoon?"
"Dammit Sam, stop telling the minions these things! That's private!"
"You stuff the Rylik candle up your ass and try to get me to spank you with the Tablet of Minonk in public, and you're worried about the minions hearing you're the little spoon?!"
"Kinky sex is awesome, cuddling is for girls."
"You're so... weird!"
"Your face is weird."
"Dean!"
"What?"
"Can you stop acting like a five year old for three seconds and just focus?"
"I am focusing! I'm focusing on the fact that you are not impressed with my awesome outside-the-box thinking with sex toys and paddles and the fact you won't get me pie and the fact that you're telling the minions I cuddle. Any more facts I should be focusing on?"
"You are the crappiest Unholy Consort ever."
"Your FACE is the crappiest Unholy Consort ever."
"Dean!"
"What?"
"... fine. I'll get Phil to bake you pie if you shut up."
"You know what's awesome for getting people to shut up?"
"What?"
"The bondage chair."
"The bondage... DEAN! That's my Demonic Throne!"
"I redecorated."
"DEAN!"
Reply
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***
"You're turning my minions against me, Dean. When we have a demonic uprising we'll all know who to blame."
"Don't be a Negative Nancy, Sammy. You're the one who never talks to them. You just yell at them and send them to their doom in epic battles against the Horde."
"I'm the Demon KING. That's what we do! We don't have share and care time with the DEMONIC KING."
"You know if you DID have share and care time, you'd know that Bob is lactose intolerant and his lack of ice cream makes him sad. You know would be a good motivator instead of yelling? Telling him that the other guys love eating ice cream. I bet he'd slaughter the Horde for you then. But you didn't think of that, did you Sammy? You didn't think of that because you never talk to the minions."
"They're minions Dean. Their job is to worship me and bring Hell on Earth. It's a pretty simple job requirement. We don't have the funds for therapy sessions, and I cannot believe that YOU'RE the one advocating bonding time with the minions."
"Well if we can't have BONDAGE time with us, I'll advocate bonding time with the minions... did you see how I did that? I made a play on words."
"Yeah Dean, I got that."
"Fine. Don't be impressed."
"Don't pout."
"You know I went to a lot of trouble to make Hell a nice place for us. I found us toys. I made a bondage chair... do you know how hard it is to make a bondage chair? I had to carve the bones of the innocent into a phallis and then find glue to attach it to the throne. Do you know how hard it is to find glue in Hell? We're in the habit of breaking things in Hell, not fixing them. I had to go to the fifth circle and use plants from the Stygian marsh. It took time and effort Sam and it's like you don't even care."
"You went to the Stygian marsh?"
"Yes. And it's not a very pleasant place I'll have you know. Phlegyas was a little bitch about me using his boat to get sticky vines."
"That actually is kind of sweet Dean."
"Finally! You finally acknowledge my efforts."
"I mean, I didn't know that you were so bored while I was slaughtering the innocents."
"Of course I'm bored! You have all the fun filling whirlpools with the blood of the traitors and I'm just stuck here, waiting for you. I'm a glorified sex toy Sam. Can you blame me for being bored?"
"I guess not. I guess you do deserve pie and sex. I just wish you wouldn't raid Hells treasures for kinky props. Maybe we can find you another job in addition to being my Unholy Consort. How would you like to devise new tortures for the newly dead?"
"Like giving them boxes of chocolate and leaving only the old, crusty, rock hard caramel ones? No marshmellow fluffy ones?"
"Uh, yeah I guess that'd work. I was thinking more along the lines of pulling their teeth out, but I guess you could rot their teeth too."
"I could make them transcribe the lyrics to popular songs and watch their horror as they realize all of their favorite artists are idiots!"
"Sure Dean."
"I could give them a Big Gulp, stuff them in the car, and then never pull over when they have to pee."
"Dean.. this sounds like all the stuff you did to ME when we were little."
"I'm the best big brother ever."
"I hate you."
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
Thank you for writing an epic dialogue fic with me. I'll happily post it.
And you're a UKer? Congrats on the American dialect! I would have never guessed! I appreciate the fact that Dean never said "lad." That's my biggest pet peeve in fanfic (well ONE of my biggest pet peeves).
Reply
A Consort and His King?
What Do You Do With a Bored Consort?
Dean Winchester is Hell's Martha Stewart?
What do we CALL it?
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How about "My Little Consort"? or "Hell is for Re-Decorating" or "Phil, the Destroyer of the Earth, has a Bigger Penis then You." or "Hell's Antiques Are Not Sex Toys" or "You Can't Call a Demon Bob" or "Rylik's Candle is Not a Buttplug"?
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