yargh
bleh. i picked up last night, was feeling ok about things. and today i had a pretty good realisation about myself. but now? blah. i'm not really depressed, but i'm just feeling... feeling down and also dreading tomorrow a bit. back to trading. as usual i'll probably not be feeling too good in the morning and it will be a battle just to stay sitting in the chair. i'm not feeling too confident about what to do either. blah.
the realisation i made was that i make excuses for not doing things i should be doing. i've been aware that that's a thing people to do and to watch out for it.. but life just goes on and sometimes you find yourself out of check. that's me now. i made excuses.
like making and excuse that if i have no inspiration i shouldn't write music? i haven't written music... i have almost never written music. when i've got inspiration though, writing music is like breathing. it's so so easy, it comes out so well. i come up with awesome, innovative stuff that i'm really proud of.
i haven't had any inspiration for ages now though. but you know what? i just can't let that be an excuse anymore. cause the last real tracks i wrote were like... fucking.... fucking seven years ago or something! so i'm just going to have to put time aside to do the thing that i love so much. no more excises for not persuing that kind of thing.
i should also be doing a lot more towards making the trading work. we are on the edge of making it work, we have been there for some time now, and we continually iron out problems. eventually those problems will run out. but we really need to speed it up now cause it's a race against the clock. house will go bye-bye. and my house will go bye-bye too. AND it's not a sellers market at the moment. hooray. we will have to move to a smaller house, which will very likely mean worse living conditions for a family who is most oftern at home.
but anyway. that's another thing i have to stop making excuses about. even the pain of sitting there looking at market data... that's not good enough anymore. i can't let that be a good enough excuse. i just have to face the fact that i will have to be unconfortable for a term. and i'll have to accept that i'm going to have to forgo some of the things i enjoy, for a term. things like watching tv, playing games, chatting online. cause data needs to be looked at. and if i'm going to take responsability for my life i have to take control of these kinds of things and be willing to do what it takes.
i would really like to lay down and focus on how i want to be tomorrow. i want to wake up and kind of jump out of bed. move quickly and go do the things i need to get ready. on a mission. swallow (un)yummy medicine. be feeling at least ok, then later in the morning feeling really good and perky. good and perky, that's what i need. so i can feel on top of things. let's do it. i know i've made that work before, years ago, focussing on how i want to be tomorrow. it's a good kind of knowing, not just the sort that you know in your head, the sort you know all through, knowledge beyond knowledge.
come on, i've got these tools at my disposal, and more. it's something of a privelage to have these tools, what am i dong not using them? no more passive. inertia is my arch-nemesis. oh it so is. inertia is my unholy vice. bad bad bad bad bad. got to push forard, orient thoughts and emotions towards the things i want... when you do that... things arrange themselves in a path for you to get there.
it's a challenge. cause i don't *feel* i have the right kind of energy to make this work. it feels like the thrust of my efforts are a bit hollow, a bit limp. i must say that in the back of my head there must be some belief that tomorrow i cannot wake up feeling well. hard one to shake. oh well. i'll just have to force myself. nothing like a bit of "fuck you, world" to tell your limiting beliefs to piss off.
SERIOUSLY. FUCK YOU WORLD. YOU CAN'T STOP ME. YOU CAN'T TELL ME I CAN'T DO THIS. I'M GONNA PROVE HOW HORRENDOUSLY WRONG YOU ARE ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO.
i'm gonna wake up tomorrow feeling good. feeling even, and maybe a little buoyant. then later in the morning i will start to feel energised. clear, cool, calm. let's do it.
it's good that an old friend popped in for a chat last night. i am humbled to say that he triggered off what lead to my current thought patterns. my hat is off.
the realisation i made was that i make excuses for not doing things i should be doing. i've been aware that that's a thing people to do and to watch out for it.. but life just goes on and sometimes you find yourself out of check. that's me now. i made excuses.
like making and excuse that if i have no inspiration i shouldn't write music? i haven't written music... i have almost never written music. when i've got inspiration though, writing music is like breathing. it's so so easy, it comes out so well. i come up with awesome, innovative stuff that i'm really proud of.
i haven't had any inspiration for ages now though. but you know what? i just can't let that be an excuse anymore. cause the last real tracks i wrote were like... fucking.... fucking seven years ago or something! so i'm just going to have to put time aside to do the thing that i love so much. no more excises for not persuing that kind of thing.
i should also be doing a lot more towards making the trading work. we are on the edge of making it work, we have been there for some time now, and we continually iron out problems. eventually those problems will run out. but we really need to speed it up now cause it's a race against the clock. house will go bye-bye. and my house will go bye-bye too. AND it's not a sellers market at the moment. hooray. we will have to move to a smaller house, which will very likely mean worse living conditions for a family who is most oftern at home.
but anyway. that's another thing i have to stop making excuses about. even the pain of sitting there looking at market data... that's not good enough anymore. i can't let that be a good enough excuse. i just have to face the fact that i will have to be unconfortable for a term. and i'll have to accept that i'm going to have to forgo some of the things i enjoy, for a term. things like watching tv, playing games, chatting online. cause data needs to be looked at. and if i'm going to take responsability for my life i have to take control of these kinds of things and be willing to do what it takes.
i would really like to lay down and focus on how i want to be tomorrow. i want to wake up and kind of jump out of bed. move quickly and go do the things i need to get ready. on a mission. swallow (un)yummy medicine. be feeling at least ok, then later in the morning feeling really good and perky. good and perky, that's what i need. so i can feel on top of things. let's do it. i know i've made that work before, years ago, focussing on how i want to be tomorrow. it's a good kind of knowing, not just the sort that you know in your head, the sort you know all through, knowledge beyond knowledge.
come on, i've got these tools at my disposal, and more. it's something of a privelage to have these tools, what am i dong not using them? no more passive. inertia is my arch-nemesis. oh it so is. inertia is my unholy vice. bad bad bad bad bad. got to push forard, orient thoughts and emotions towards the things i want... when you do that... things arrange themselves in a path for you to get there.
it's a challenge. cause i don't *feel* i have the right kind of energy to make this work. it feels like the thrust of my efforts are a bit hollow, a bit limp. i must say that in the back of my head there must be some belief that tomorrow i cannot wake up feeling well. hard one to shake. oh well. i'll just have to force myself. nothing like a bit of "fuck you, world" to tell your limiting beliefs to piss off.
SERIOUSLY. FUCK YOU WORLD. YOU CAN'T STOP ME. YOU CAN'T TELL ME I CAN'T DO THIS. I'M GONNA PROVE HOW HORRENDOUSLY WRONG YOU ARE ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO.
i'm gonna wake up tomorrow feeling good. feeling even, and maybe a little buoyant. then later in the morning i will start to feel energised. clear, cool, calm. let's do it.
it's good that an old friend popped in for a chat last night. i am humbled to say that he triggered off what lead to my current thought patterns. my hat is off.