I hate "Nice".
I hate being called "nice". I really, really do. It means I'm lying there like a frakking rug taking shit I shouldn't be taking somehow. And I feel angry and frustrated and I start second and third guessing myself.
I could intellectualize this. Think about how the person sees me. Think about what action I have taken or failed to take and how that looks. And I probably should before I even continue writing. But not today. I need to rant.
It all started when I became a moderator. I didn't even know what it was, other than "person who deletes spam". Apparently it also includes being a parent and referee and role model and all kinds of other stuff. But this was the first time I'd ever joined a forum, and the first time I'd heard of being a moderator, and I had no frakking clue what I was doing or getting into. So I flailed. And people were kind enough to bail me out a few times. I and I realized I was in over my head, and begged and pleaded until another moderator was created to help.
The other moderator at least has been a part of forums before, and understands more about what a moderator even is and what a moderator is supposed to do besides delete the spam posts.
And she keeps telling me that as forums grow, there is more dissent amongst people. Intellectually, I can see that. Personally, I want everyone to at least be civil with each other and there are a few people I want to just go away because they can't play well with others no matter what. But I have to "be nice" and let everyone have their say, keeping in mind that we are all there for one reason, and it's not to get personal or attack each other personally.
So I step back away from the computer for at least an hour. I try to find the most constructive words to use. Because I have to be the role model and parent and referee, and I can't do that and be effective if I'm flying off the handle every few minutes, or speaking my mind. And I come across as being 'nice' instead. Which I hate. Because I'm really not a nice person. I'm opinionated. I want to say what I want to say, but I can't. And it sucks.
I could intellectualize this. Think about how the person sees me. Think about what action I have taken or failed to take and how that looks. And I probably should before I even continue writing. But not today. I need to rant.
It all started when I became a moderator. I didn't even know what it was, other than "person who deletes spam". Apparently it also includes being a parent and referee and role model and all kinds of other stuff. But this was the first time I'd ever joined a forum, and the first time I'd heard of being a moderator, and I had no frakking clue what I was doing or getting into. So I flailed. And people were kind enough to bail me out a few times. I and I realized I was in over my head, and begged and pleaded until another moderator was created to help.
The other moderator at least has been a part of forums before, and understands more about what a moderator even is and what a moderator is supposed to do besides delete the spam posts.
And she keeps telling me that as forums grow, there is more dissent amongst people. Intellectually, I can see that. Personally, I want everyone to at least be civil with each other and there are a few people I want to just go away because they can't play well with others no matter what. But I have to "be nice" and let everyone have their say, keeping in mind that we are all there for one reason, and it's not to get personal or attack each other personally.
So I step back away from the computer for at least an hour. I try to find the most constructive words to use. Because I have to be the role model and parent and referee, and I can't do that and be effective if I'm flying off the handle every few minutes, or speaking my mind. And I come across as being 'nice' instead. Which I hate. Because I'm really not a nice person. I'm opinionated. I want to say what I want to say, but I can't. And it sucks.