(no subject)
Title: What Happened to Billie Joe? [68/?] (Previous parts found here)
Author: the_wondering_1 / Maria
Pairing: Billie/Mike (Billie/Adrienne)
Rating: PG-13 (mentions self-harm and suicide)
Disclaimer: Own nothin'. Didn't happen. You know the drill.
Billie didn’t eat much of his dinner tray that night. He tried, but most of it didn’t look that appetizing. He tried to pick up a book to read and tried to keep the TV on for background noise, but that didn’t really help either. He felt too preoccupied.
And he knew why. Mike was supposed to come tomorrow. Billie Joe knew it was stupid, but he didn’t really know how he was supposed to talk to him. He didn’t know what they were supposed to talk about. He missed him like hell but at the same time he didn’t really know what to say to him.
There was something between them, something big and something that felt uncomfortable. And Billie didn’t really know how to deal with it. They’d always been able to talk about things before. Billie couldn’t really think of a time when they hadn’t been able to talk about anything. Maybe during American Idiot for a while, maybe. But not really. Mike was never scared to point out if Billie was obsessing about the album to the point where he wouldn’t leave the studio. Tre hadn’t been afraid to point that out, either. Billie could remember one night when Tre had literally dragged him out of the studio to get dinner with him and Mike. Billie figured the only thing they hadn’t gotten too upset with him about was the drinking. Billie wondered sometimes if they were too polite to mention it or if they were worried they’d upset him too much. He didn’t really think it was either. He thought it was more that it didn’t bother them as much and that, in a way, they understood. It sure as hell did bother Adrienne, though. And looking back, Billie didn’t blame her. He knew she was right.
Thinking back to it, though, Billie realized that the guys probably hadn’t seen him at his worst then. They’d seen him fucking around in Oakland, getting too drunk to record, falling asleep in the studio and then waking up the next day too hung-over to do much. But they hadn’t gone with him when he went to New York. Adrienne hadn’t been there either, but she knew. She just knew. And she had been pissed about it. It had been part of the reason he left. It was stupid, but it got to the point he couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle her and the boys and how he was never going to be able to write or record anything that anyone gave a damn about again. So, he got drunk. And tried to stay drunk instead of dealing with how angry she was with him and how he was scared the band would fall apart. He stayed for two months. He barely talked to Mike and Tre. Mike had gotten married again and because of that they hadn’t been talking much anyway.
At the end of the two months he could remember Mike called him one afternoon and asked him to come home. He said things weren’t going well with his new wife, Sarah, and that he missed him. Billie didn’t hesitate and went back to Oakland on the next flight he could find.
Billie swallowed and thought about how quickly he went back home, only because Mike had asked him to. Adrienne had never asked him to come home. He had a feeling it was because of how angry she was. Sometimes he wished she would have asked him to, although he didn’t know if he would have.
Billie could remember spending a lot of time with Mike after Sarah did eventually divorce him.
They spent a lot of time sitting around his house, drinking beer and watching stupid TV shows. Eventually, things started to turn themselves around. Eventually, Billie started writing American Idiot and it all came together. Eventually. When it was happening, though, Billie felt like it was taking forever.
Billie took a deep breath and bit into his tongue. Maybe seeing Mike would be okay. He hoped it would be okay. That they would be okay.
Billie sighed and turned the TV on, turning the volume up in the hopes that it would drown out his thoughts some and laid down in bed, head pushed into the pillow.
Billie ended up not sleeping very well. He felt stupid saying that it was hard, but his mind kept going on about the band and Adrienne and just…everything. He probably should have asked for something to sleep, but he didn’t really want to. And anyway, Mike was supposed to visit. As much as he didn’t want to be forced to interact with him, he knew he needed it. He didn’t want to mess it up. He didn’t want Mike to think he didn’t care.
He got a shower and put on some new clothes and tried to get himself to take a couple of deep breaths. It’s going to be okay, he told himself. It’s going to be fine. You’re going to be okay. You and Mike are going to be okay. The bands going to be okay. You and Adrienne are going to be okay.
Billie ended up sitting on his bed, listening to the TV while he tried to get himself to calm down.
Jamie knocked on the door, asking if he wanted to see Mike and Billie Joe just nodded, fumbling words out of his mouth. He flicked the TV off when Mike came in and sat down in his desk chair, letting Mike take the bed.
Mike glanced around Billie’s room and felt stupid. He didn’t really know what to say. Swallowing he glanced at Billie and figured he better say something. He had a feeling Billie wasn’t about to help him out. “How are you? What have you been up to in here?”
Billie made eye contact with him and took a deep breath. “I, uh. I’m okay. And not a lot, really. Just therapy.” Billie wished they could talk about something else. Something that wasn’t him and how he was doing. He swallowed at the air again and squirmed in the chair. He felt like an idiot.
Mike just nodded. He didn’t really know what to talk about with Billie. Truth be told, he hadn’t been doing much either. Sitting around. Seeing Tre every now and again. Seeing some of his other friends. “Y-yeah. I haven’t been doing much either. I miss having you around a lot, though.” In saying that, Mike thought about all the stupid TV shows he’d been watching and how he knew Billie would have enjoyed watching them with him while commentating on them.
“Ye-yeah. I know. I miss you too. It sucks.” Billie didn’t look up. He didn’t really want to. He didn’t want to face Mike.
“Yeah. It does. But, hey, Beej, at least you’re here and starting to get better. That’s important, too. Last time I saw Adie I asked her about you coming home and she said she wasn’t sure when. Has that changed at all?” Mike frowned when Billie wouldn’t look up at him.
Billie took a deep breath and looked up. It’s okay, he reminded himself, it is okay. You are okay. “Soon. My therapist said I’ve been making progress and stuff. So, a few weeks or something, I guess.” Billie stopped for a second and thought about how he hadn’t even told Adrienne about how he was getting close to going home. He’d brushed it off with her. He didn’t want it to be a big deal. Swallowing he said, “Shit, Mike, I, uh. I haven’t told Adie that. You won’t say anything to her, will you? I-I didn’t want it to be a thing, y’know? I-I mean, I dunno if it’ll happen. I had to bug my therapist to get her to answer my question about going home.”
Mike smiled, glancing up at his friend. “Hey, we never had the conversation!” Mike winked after and it made Billie smile.
“Thanks. I just…y’know, I didn’t really wanan tell anyone. The, uh.” Billie paused to try and figure out what he wanted to say. “The past few weeks have been kind of hard. I’m just really trying to work hard to get out of here and get home and make progress. I just, y’know, I don’t really wanna jinx it or anything.”
Mike nodded. “It’s cool, I understand. I’m glad you’re trying to get out of here. That’s good.”
Billie nodded, leaning on the back of the chair. “How’s Tre? You guys been hanging out much?”
Mike smiled and shrugged. “Not really. He’s been a bit busy, if you get what I mean.”
Billie smiled, laughing back. “Shacking up with some girl, I’m guessing?”
Mike nodded and shrugged. “I haven’t really wanted to bother him. But it’s cool. We grab lunch or drinks sometimes.”
Billie nodded, “Yeah, that sounds like typical Tre to me. But I hope he’s enjoying himself. I miss him too.”
Mike nodded, almost frowning again when he thought about Billie Joe missing Tre. He knew it was stupid to say this, but he wished it didn’t have to happen. He hated that they all had to miss each other like this.
“Have you been working on anything, at all?” Mike gestured to the guitar in the back corner next to the desk.
Billie felt warm in his face as soon as the words left Mike’s mouth. Truthfully, he felt guilty that he hadn’t been and he didn’t really know what to say to Mike. The band had always been his big passion. What was he supposed to say now?
He swallowed before starting. “Not really. I guess Adrienne had it sent out. It was here the first night I was. I never even opened it.” He felt his head fall down after and bit his lip.
Mike wasn’t sure what to say. It didn’t seem like Billie to have been without practicing for so long. Or music in general. It didn’t really worry him. He knew Billie was here and getting the care that he needed…but it made him sad and to an extent it made him wonder if things would ever go back to the way they used to be. What would happen if Green Day ceased to be?
Glancing up at Billie he shrugged. “Everyone needs some time off, right?”
Billie starred down and shrugged. He didn’t like taking time off. He never thought bands were as good when they took time off once they came back. There always felt like there was something missing. He didn’t like it. He always felt like he had to keep moving. He liked being in motion. Sighing, he wondered when he’d gotten so content with being motionless.
“Have you been doing anything?” Billie brought his head up just enough to see Mike’s eyes.
Mike let some breath escape through his nose as he thought about Billie Joe’s question. It was funny, almost that he was sad because Billie hadn’t been working on music at all because he hadn’t been either. Mike looked over at Billie and smiled gently.
“No. Not really.” Mike wanted to say something about how it didn’t feel right working on anything, even just practicing or strumming, because of how weird everything was. But he didn’t want to upset Billie Joe any more.
Billie nodded and couldn’t really think of anything to say, so Mike chimed in. “Maybe when you get out you can start working on stuff. Maybe we could all hang out and try to have practice or something.”
Billie nodded and didn’t really look up from the chair. “Yeah. Maybe we could.”
When Billie realized how the last few words sounded he felt bad and swallowed. He pulled his head up and glanced at Mike. “I’m sorry for that Mike. I didn’t’ mean it like that. I just…I dunno. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life right now and Green Day and music just doesn’t really fit into the whole thing anymore for whatever reason. I-I don’t wanna lose the band or anything. I really don’t. I just don’t really know what I’m doing. It just hasn’t really been on my radar. I’ve been trying to deal with other stuff lately.”
Mike glanced up at him and smiled gently. “Hey, yeah. It’s okay. I mean, Beej it’s not like I can talk. I haven’t been practicing or doing anything. I mean, I didn’t really expect you to walk out of here with another album written and ready to go into the studio or anything."
Billie nodded. “I-yeah. I care about Green Day. I do. I just,” Billie faltered and swallowed. He wanted to say that he just wasn’t sure where it fit into his life now, and well. He was worried that it wouldn’t ever fit into his life again.
“Billie,” Mike started and waited until Billie actually looked up at him to go on. “We’ll figure it out and work on it together, okay? Green Day is all three of us and it’s not going anywhere yet. If we move slowly, we move slowly. We’ll figure it out together, okay?”
Billie brought his head up and looked at Mike. “Okay. Yeah. Thanks, Mike.”
Mike smiled looking over at Billie, who was still smiling. “You don’t have to thank me Beej. We’ll figure it out together.”
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Hey everyone sorry I haven't been around. Life is busy and all that jazz, I guess. I hope everyone here is doing well though and please, honestly, feel free to kick me if I don't update this again.