(no subject)
Title: What Happened to Billie Joe? [62/?] (Previous parts found here)
Author:
the_wondering_1 / Maria
Pairing: Billie/Mike (Billie/Adrienne)
Rating: PG-13 (mentions self-harm and suicide)
Disclaimer: Own nothin'. Didn't happen. You know the drill.
Note: Well, that didn't last long, did it?
Adrienne collected herself eventually. She felt bad leaving her husband’s side, but she wrote him a note that she’d only left for coffee and something to eat and would be back soon.
The cafeteria coffee wasn’t the best she’d ever had, but it was enough. That combined with a banana and a chocolate chip cookie she ate back down in her husband’s room, crumpling the note up and shoving it into the deepest regions of her purse.
An hour later she watched as he started to flicker his eyes open, squirming.
“Hey,” Adrienne whispered, turning towards him. She’d been reading a magazine.
Billie only made a mumbling noise and rolled over. She bit her lip and decided he was probably still tired. Hadn’t the nurse said he might be tired when he woke up? She couldn’t really remember. Billie pulled the blanket around up and around his body, pulling it closer to him. Adrienne frowned and saw another blanket sitting at the end of his bed all folded up. Getting up she unfolded it, tucking it around him. “There,” she whispered, “Get some rest, it’s okay if you’re still sleepy.”
He still seemed kind of out of it, so Adrienne only squeezed his shoulder and didn’t really expect him to say much to her. He was still groggy.
Not long after the same nurse came in with a lunch tray for Billie. “Did he wake up yet?” She asked as she moved to set it down.
Adrienne started to nod. “Yeah, I think he’s still a little groggy though. He woke up and squirmed around a little and went back to sleep.”
The nurse nodded. “All right, try to get him to eat a little of this when he wakes back up.”
Adrienne nodded and assured the nurse that she would do just that before she left.
When Billie woke up the second time he smiled at her when she said hi to him.
“You feeling more awake now?” she asked. She moved her chair to face him and smiled wider.
“Yeah. That stuff hit me kind of hard,” Billie said, glancing up at her.
Adrienne nodded and understood. “Yeah, you seemed out of it, but it’s okay.”
Billie nodded, slowly starting to push himself up. There was a part of him that wanted to see his stitches. Or well. They really weren’t stitches anymore. The stiches were supposed to be nonexistent by this point. Billie didn’t know what to call it…but he wanted to look. Just not in front of Adie. He knew it was stupid to worry about it - she’d already seen when he was asleep. But…but still.
Taking a breath Adie smiled and pulled out the food tray, pushing it towards him. “You should have something to eat.”
Billie smiled at her and took a deep breath. He really didn’t want anything to eat. The idea of eating kind of made him sick. But if Adie was going to push it with him today he’d eat a little something. For her. For her and only her.
“Yeah, okay. A little. Jamie made me eat a breakfast tray before we came up. I think she was worried I’d miss lunch like I did the other time.”
Adrienne nodded and watched as Billie picked at the food on his tray.
“You don’t have to eat that much if you’re not hungry,” She started saying. She didn’t want him to eat if he wasn’t hungry. Or eat to please her. It wasn’t about that. And really, she just wanted Billie to be okay.
Billie nodded and ended up eating a lot less from his tray than usual. He told himself it was okay because he’d eaten stuff at breakfast. In reality, though Billie just didn’t really have the stomach for it today.
About an hour after he’d been awake and talking to Adie Jamie came in.
She smiled gently at both Billie and Adrienne before saying anything. “I just wanted to let you know you still have your session today. You’ll have it down here and then hopefully we’ll get you back upstairs and off that IV, all right?”
Billie nodded and felt Adie squeeze his hand. “Yeah, that sounds okay.”
“Everything go okay down here while I was gone?” Her tone sounded a little concerned and Billie smiled, hoping to show her that everything had gone okay.
Adrienne spoke up first. “He sailed through everything. He did really well and nothing went wrong.”
Jamie’s face broke out into a smile and she said something about how happy she was that things went smoother this time before she left.
When Billie was sure the door was closed he took a deep breath and glanced back up at Adrienne. He really just wanted everything to be as normal as possible. Or. Well. At least as normal as a visit with Adie usually was.
He took another breath and locked eyes with her, smiling. “So how are you? It’s your day to visit and I haven’t heard anything about how stuff at home is yet. I wanna know.” Billie again at the end, a little more gently than before hoping that she didn’t take this badly or anything. He wasn’t trying to be mean or anything like that. He was genuinely honest to God interested in what was going on with her and home. Even though it might not have always seemed like it, Billie missed it more than words could describe it.
Adrienne moved to pick up his hand again and gave it a squeeze. “It’s good. Home is good.”
Billie nodded looking back up at her. “What about you? How have you been? What’s up with Atomic Garden; you haven’t talked about it in a while.”
Adrienne swallowed when she heard him. She didn’t really know what to say. Glossing over it and going on about how great she was doing seemed stupid; at this point she had a feeling that Billie Joe would be able to see right through her. “I-I’m okay, I guess. I miss you a lot. And Atomic Garden is going really well. I haven’t been over there as much lately, but you know how that can be sometimes. Jamie and I might try to get the online store up soon. We’re still kind of thinking about it.”
Billie nodded and wanted to say something encouraging about the store, but when he studied her face - really studied it he realized how unhappy she looked. He took a deep breath and sat himself up. He let go of her hand and used his to push himself up, his legs sliding over the edge of the bed.
“I miss you too,” Billie started saying, “C’mere.” He patted the side of the bed next to him.
Adrienne glanced up at him, gently blushing before she moved to get up.
When Billie Joe felt her, he pulled her into his lap and squeezed her tightly. “I miss you too,” he whispered, “But I want you to know that I love you more than anything and I think of you and the boys and home all the time in here.”
Adrienne nodded gently and squeezed Billie’s hand that was wrapped around her before repositioning herself on top of his lap. She bit down on her lip, not really wanting to cry in front of him.
Billie moved to rest his chin on her shoulder and squeezed her again. “I hope I’ll be home soon, 80. I mean, I hate saying this but it’s better I’m here. I think we both know that.”
Adrienne nodded again. She knew that for sure. She really did. “I know and I’m glad you’re here. I just miss you being at home.”
Billie took another breath and reached for her hand, squeezing it. “That makes two of us,” he whispered.
“I-I keep telling myself it’s just like a really long tour…” She trailed off and Billie just nodded and took a breath. “But, I mean, Billie it just doesn’t feel right anymore. I just miss you.”
Billie closed his eyes for a second. His stomach was starting to feel like something was
chewing on it - like in his insides. He really wished he could be home. That the tour could have ended normally. Like it was supposed to. That everything could be normal. He wished Adie wasn’t so sad.
He nestled up against her and took a breath. “I-I know. It doesn’t feel right to me either, Adie.” He took another breath and squeezed her.
Adrienne swallowed and turned so that she could see her husband. She took another breath and moved to put her head into his neck. Billie squirmed around to accommodate her and took a breath himself. Stuff like this - holding her, nestling her, that always made him remember how much he really missed her.
“We’ll get through it,” she whispered. “We always do. It just gets hard sometimes Beej.”
Billie eventually got her off the subject of how she missed him. It wasn’t necessarily that he didn’t want to talk about it. Er. Well. Okay, it kind of was. It was just hard for him to think about because it made him feel bad about the whole fucking thing. He loved her, but it was hard for him to hear her talk about it. And, really, if he was being honest he wanted to hear how his boys were doing. How home was. Billie didn’t really think she understood how much he missed that. How much he craved normalcy. And even though he knew it wasn’t one hundred percent normal for Adrienne, she got to be home and he didn’t.
Either way he got her talking about the boys - how well Jake was doing in soccer and how Joey and his band had been working on a lot of new stuff. She talked about Atomic Garden and how well the store was doing, how they kept running out of certain items and mentioned how her sister wanted to come down one weekend to hangout. Billie just nestled into her while she talked, squeezing her hand. Hearing about normal stuff, stuff like this about his kids and his wife, made him feel better about a lot of things. It gave him the slightest glimmer of hope that maybe one day he could be a part of the normal world again.
While they were talking Jamie came in and told him his appointment would be soon and Billie watched as Adrienne frowned.
When Jamie had left she turned toward Billie and frowned more. “I hate to do this, but you have your therapy and I need to get out of here so I can pick the boys up from school.”
Billie nodded and thought about how he really just wanted her to stay. Stay and hangout and talk to him. Maybe watch a movie. Be there.
Taking a breath, though he forced himself to appear okay with this. To not freak out and look all upset. She needed to go. The boys needed picked up and she had other things to do at home that were equally important as being with him. He told himself that over and over again, letting the line flow through his head and took another breath. There are other things she needs to do and your kids and the house and Atomic Garden and all of that is important too, Billie.
“Yeah,” he said, almost whispering it. “You should get going.” He squeezed onto her tighter and took another breath, letting it out through his nose.
Adrienne bit her lip when she felt Billie Joe hold on tighter. If she was being honest she didn’t really want to leave. But the boys needed to be picked up and she did have a lot to do at home. At the same time, though she had been feeling the weight of Billie Joe’s absence more than usual lately. Being with him, spending extra time with him would have helped. She nestled her head into his neck and thought. She could get the kids and drop them at home and come back. It would take a while with the traffic…but. She inhaled his scent and sighed. She really wanted this.
Kissing his neck she took a breath. “I’ll get the kids and come back this evening, okay? Maybe we can order food and just talk or watch a movie.”
Billie felt himself go red. He didn’t want her to come back. Well. No. He wanted her to. He wanted her to come back and talk and hold him and be there but…But she has other more fucking important things to do than to be your wife right now, Armstrong. He took another breath, thinking about how he’d tried to hide how he felt, tried to look all calm and not upset or anything like he did sometimes. He squeezed her gently, this time, “No, it’s okay Adie, go home. You need to be with the boys and I’m sure there are a million and one other things you wanted to get done today.” He almost said “besides babysitting me” but he didn’t add it in. He figured it was better if he kept his mouth shut.
She played with his fingers and took a breath. “Truthfully, I’d rather be with you right now.” She got off the bed, standing in front of him.
Watching her Billie didn’t let himself frown or sigh. Nothing outward to show her how he felt. But hearing that from her made him feel bad. He didn’t want her to feel like that. Ever. She didn’t deserve that. She sounded sad and that was the last thing Billie had ever wanted for her and in some ways it was making him feel like he’d really fucked everything up even more.
“Listen, I’m going to go and get the kids and I’ll see about coming back, okay? I’ll call you when I get home with them and we’ll see how things are going.”
Billie nodded. “Yeah, okay, that sounds good. And, I mean, 80 we can always have a different hangout order food watch movies talk night,” he said, hoping that the way he said everything made her laugh or smile.
She smiled brightly and moved to put her arms around him in a hug. “Very true, we can. I’ll call you. And I love you very very much. If you need anything I’m here.”
Billie nodded, squeezing her tightly back before she left. “Love you too. Give the boys my love as well.”
After she left Billie realized he didn’t have his notebook for therapy. He paged the nurse who got Jamie to get it from his room. When Jamie came downstairs and into Billie’s room with it she could tell something was off with him.
Before she left Billie started, “Hey, Jamie, if Adie calls while I’m in therapy or down here or whatever could you tell her that if the boys are okay being home and don’t need her it would be nice if she came back tonight and that I don’t mind and I’m not busy or anything? I doubt she’ll call, but just in case. And, uh, thanks for this.” Billie gestured to the notebook quickly and took another breath.
She smiled. “Of course, I’ll pass that along if she calls. And no problem. Hopefully I can get you back upstairs after your session.”
Billie nodded and told her he hoped the same thing before she closed the door and left.
Billie didn’t really want to talk about all the Adrienne stuff today, but at the same time he knew he needed to. And if it wasn’t going to be today, then fucking when?
Billie sat cross legged on his bed while he waited. He thought about turning the TV on, but didn’t. Somehow it seemed easier to sit and think about everything rather than try to distract himself.
She finally came in and Billie watched as she took the chair Adie had been sitting in and opened her legal pad.
“We’ll skip the paperwork today, so why don’t we just get started. Did you write something last night?”
Billie just nodded, moving to hand the notebook to her and took a deep breath.
“Why exactly did you feel like the band was falling apart then? You didn’t really go into much detail with that.”
Billie shrugged and watched her. “Our numbers dropped every album since our first, Dookie. Granted, I don’t think any of us really wanted to have the success of Dookie happen over and over again…but they were getting pretty bad. I mean, I dunno, at some point I think we all started wondering if it was worth it for the band, y’know? If there was really a point to doing this. I mean, I would always write shit even if no one listened…but there comes a point when you wonder if the band is working. If what you have going is working. I think we were all getting to the point where we were thinking that maybe it wasn’t working, especially after losing the master tapes to the other album.”
She nodded. “You talked about drinking a lot in this. Do you think you were an alcoholic then? Or even now?”
Billie started to shake his head no, but then stopped for a second. “Well. I dunno. I don’t really think I’m an alcoholic. I’m definitely not, I don’t think. But I like to party and on tour….well, it’s kind of a given, then, I guess. I think I just used it to cope. As a way of not dealing with all the shit that was going on, y’know. How my marriage was falling apart. How the band was going to shit. I think I just didn’t want to deal with it and that was how I did it. I guess it’s kind of similar to what happened now. Just…I dunno. Different, I guess.”
She nodded again and Billie took a breath, watching. “It seems like you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. Especially your DUI. Why do you think Adrienne reacted the way she did?”
Billie shrugged and took a breath, toying with the cuff of his sweatshirt. “I think it was the only way she knew how to get to me. Like, I don’t know. I wasn’t coping very well and I think leaving me there all night and then not talking to me was the only way she really knew how to reach me. And, I dunno. I think she wanted me to realize how upset she was. And I think she had a right to be upset. I was being an idiot about everything and, I dunno. I guess if I could change everything that happened I…I dunno. I’d like to say I would change it but I think I had to go through that to write American Idiot. And I think somehow Adrienne understands that.”
“How did you feel when she told you she didn’t want you around your children? And, this may seem trivial, but I’m curious if you went to your son’s soccer game.” Billie watched as she looked up at him, pen between two fingers.
He took a breath. “I felt like shit, I think. I…I can’t really remember specifically, honestly. But I probably felt like shit. And not really. I…I went down to the park and I got out and found what field his team was playing on and I went down and I could see him and, I dunno. I saw Adie on the sidelines cheering him on and felt like complete shit. She was being the good parent and I wasn’t.”
Billie looked back up and she frowned. “Billie you were there for him just like she was, I think you were being the best parent you could be at the time.”
Billie shook his head. “It…it’s different. I dunno. I ended up leaving after a little bit. Adie didn’t see me and I didn’t feel like seeing her. I didn’t want to fight with her. I was scared we would and I just left. I guess I should have stayed…I was just too much of a coward, I guess. I dunno. It’s whatever.”
Sitting there for a few moments he thought and spoke back up. “I guess…I dunno, with the kids. I guess I understand why she didn’t want me around them. I get it. I was drunk most of the time and acting like an idiot. And when I wasn’t I was obsessed with the album. It was like I had no off button or something. I went from one extreme to the other. And I think it was Adrienne’s way of telling me how out of control I was getting without really saying it as well.”
“Do you think you got out of control this time?” Billie watched as her hand moved across her legal pad.
He swallowed. “Yeah. And I think this time I was too scared to say anything about it, probably kind of because of what had happened last time, with Adie. I get why she did and said those things to me, but at the same time, I guess it affected me for better or for worse. I should have known or realized that everyone just wanted to help, but I tried to act like I had it together for so long and, I dunno. I just didn’t. That’s the real truth. I acted like I had it together but my grasp was slipping so much. Everyone noticed, even the crew. I was really only fooling myself for a while. It was stupid.”
She nodded. “I think you made some progress today, Billie. I’d like to talk more but we’re running out of time.”
He glanced up and nodded. He would have liked to talk about how upset Adrienne had been earlier today. How she didn’t seem very happy and how he felt like it was his fault. But maybe later. He sighed gently and glanced back up at her.
“You don’t have to write in your notebook tonight if you don’t want to. I think you can take the night off. But I think we need to delve into your relationship with Adrienne, what happened with American Idiot and what happened recently. But we’ll get there, Billie. Like I said, you’re making good progress.” She smiled gently and Billie glanced up to meet her gaze and nodded before she left.
When she left Billie lay back down on his bed and thought about everything. He wondered how interconnected the two things were. Him falling apart before and during the making of American Idiot and, well, this. There was a part of him that didn’t want to see how they were connected, but in some ways he could.
He probably would have been more open to talking to Adrienne about things if everything hadn’t happened before. He’d never thought of it like that, but it was probably true.
In his mind, though, sleeping with Mike had been building for a long time. Maybe they should have seen it coming. They probably should have, he decided. But it was hard to. Touring isn’t and wasn’t regular life. It wasn’t home where wives and home cooked meals with kids existed. It was a different life altogether, Billie decided. Even so maybe Mike and he should have realized what was going to happen eventually. They’d always been close, though and Billie had never seen that as a problem. Actually, no one had ever seen that as a problem. It wasn’t one. It…it was just the way it was. For a long time when they were teenagers Billie had said that they had each other and didn’t need anyone else. They didn’t bring it up much anymore, but they’d experimented together as teenagers. To Billie it wasn’t anything important, really. Kissing here and there a few handjobs and blowjobs, but not much more. They hadn’t had sex. Even so, some nights it was just nice to know that someone else was there. At least that was the way Billie Joe always saw it.
Though, the dynamics of their relationship changed when he met Adrienne and they got married. She knew about his past, he’d told her everything with Mike. Even so, they were still really close. She knew that and Billie always thought she was understanding of it.
Eventually the nurse from the morning came in and smiled while she took his IV out. She tried to talk to him, but Billie didn’t really say much back. He wasn’t really trying to be rude, but he wasn’t in the mood for it. His mind was elsewhere after his session, trying to figure out what the hell had happened to him ever since American Idiot.
After she left Billie got dressed back into his original clothes and Jamie came to take him back upstairs. She had a wheelchair and Billie Joe rolled his eyes. “I know, I know,” she said, “But it’s policy after you’ve been here.”
Billie nodded and didn’t say much before they got back up there. She helped him out of hit and he took a deep breath. Right before she left Billie spoke up, “Adie didn’t call did she?”
Jamie shook her head as she started to manure the wheel chair out of his room. “No she didn’t, sorry Billie.”
He started shaking his head, “No, no it’ s okay. I just wanted to make sure.”
Jamie nodded, smiling gently as she said goodbye and left.
Billie was really hoping she’d call and be home soon. He felt like an idiot about it but he didn’t feel like being alone after today. His head was kind of spinning after his session. He kept thinking about everything and he didn’t really want to; at this point Adie would have been the perfect distraction because he didn’t want to think. Billie Joe was so done with thinking about all of it. Even if it was shit that had happened years ago; like Jamie had said, he did spend a lot of time thinking about what had happened during American Idiot and how he had treated Adrienne and his kids. Billie was getting to the point where he just wanted to be done. Done for fucking ever and ever.
He pulled a book out and put the TV on for background noise and tried to get his thoughts to fucking stop for once in their life.
When Adrienne dropped the kids off at home that day she sat down at the kitchen table and sighed with her head in her hands. She figured she would give herself a few minutes to relax before calling Billie and going back out. She knew she didn’t have to go and see him again tonight but, well. It would have been nice and she thought she deserved to. It was silly in a lot of ways but she really missed him and wanted to see him. Sometimes it was like she forgot she really even had a husband.
Before she called Billie Joe back Adrienne went upstairs and found her oldest son in his bedroom. Sitting down on his bed Adrienne took a deep breath. “Joey, I need you to stay home and watch Jake for me tonight. I need to go back out.”
Joey lifted his head from what he was working on. “I have band practice tonight.”
Adrienne bit down on her lip. Shit shit shit. She’d forgotten it was a Thursday. She sighed. “Al…all right, can you maybe have it here instead? You can use the home studio, I don’t mind. And you can order pizza, too. And please make sure to help Jake with his homework before he goes to bed, okay?”
Joey nodded glancing back up. “Yeah, okay. I guess I can do that.”
Adrienne smiled gently. “Thank you, Joey. I really appreciate it.”
Joey only nodded again, his gaze holding. “Where are you going?”
Adrienne took a breath. She hadn’t really wanted to bring it up, but she wasn’t going to lie to him. “To see Billie…” Trailing off Adie took a breath. She hated this. She hated having to talk about it. She wished Billie could have been the one to do this because she just didn’t fucking want to.
“Oh…is Dad not doing that good again? I mean…,” Joey trailed off like his mom and looked away from her.
Taking a breath she told herself to say something, to be honest but to say something. “He’s doing better, but we both miss each other a lot and I think today was a hard day for him. I just thought it would help both of us to spend more time together today.”
Joey nodded. “Is…you haven’t really mentioned him for a while,” Joey paused for a second. It was stupid but he really didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t asked his Mom many questions about the whole thing, especially after what he overheard at the party. After that, at least to Joey anyway, it seemed best to stay out of everything. “Do you know when he can come home?”
Adrienne didn’t know how to answer the second part because she didn’t really know herself. Taking another breath she started again. “Yeah, he’s doing okay. Getting there. And, I really don’t know Joey. I’m hoping he’ll be home soon. I miss him like you do.”
Joey nodded and wanted to frown. At least you get to see him, he thought. Joey didn’t really like to think about the last time he saw his Dad. How happy they’d all been and how he’d ruffled his hair when they said goodbye to each other. How he told him he and Jake could fly out for some boys only time when they finished school for the summer, just before the tour was supposed to end. As much as Joey missed him, it was easier to focus on other things instead of remembering. At least that way it didn’t seem to hurt so much.
When Billie heard the phone in his room ring he could swear to God that his heart leapt out of his chest. He answered it with a simple, “Hey,” already feeling confident that he knew who it was.
Adrienne laughed when she heard him. “Hey back. You want me to come down?”
Billie nodded even though she couldn’t see him. “Of course I do,” he started saying, laughing back. Sometimes Billie couldn’t fucking believe how happy she made him.
Adrienne giggled. “All right, I’ll leave soon. Want me to pick up anything for dinner? Pizza? Chinese?”
Billie thought for a moment, “Both? Is that too much to ask?”
Adrienne laughed again and took a breath. “No, I can do that, it’s fine.”
Billie smiled and lay back down on his bed as he told her what he wanted for dinner.
It took her a little while to get there; Billie knew it would with the evening traffic and having to pick up dinner, but he didn’t mind. What was important to him was that she was coming. He’d done a lot of thinking today about…well. About things. His therapy session had kind of made his head spin, but in a good way. In a way that meant he was trying to work on things and fix them. But still. That combined with the stiches had been a lot in one day and he really just wanted to relax and forget about everything that had happened.
Part of him was surprised he’d done so well with the whole stitches thing. That he hadn’t freaked out too much. When Adrienne started running late…well, by then he’d started to get upset. It was at that point he started to feel like he couldn’t trust her, that she didn’t want to be there for him and that she was just screwing him around. Looking back on it Billie knew he was jumping to conclusions way too quickly with the whole thing, but the simple truth of it all was that it scared him. He was scared she wouldn’t want to be there with him. That, after learning everything she wouldn’t want him anymore. Wouldn’t want him around his boys, wouldn’t want to see his face anymore or hear his voice. That she would hate him. That’s what Billie Joe was afraid of. And even though she came and Billie understood why she was running late there was still this little bit of him that thought just maybe, she hadn’t really wanted to be there in the first place.
Billie Joe didn’t hug Adrienne right away when he saw her, although he could have. He waited until she put the pizza and Chinese food down before throwing his arms around her.
She laughed gently and it made him smile. “I guess you missed me after all.”
Billie only hugged her again; he didn’t think words were necessary. Even if he was scared of things to come, he had definitely missed her.
“I brought a movie for us, too,” Adrienne said.
Billie smiled and nodded while she put it in the DVD player; he started getting into the food.
Before either of them hit play on the DVD player they settled in. As Adrienne started to make herself up a plate of food she thought about saying something about how she missed him, or about how Joey had asked about him earlier that night but she couldn’t come up with anything. And, anyway, part of her didn’t want to ruin the moment. Billie was smiling and seemed happy to see her…she didn’t want to bring up something heavy like that. He generally seemed to smile when she was around, but Adrienne had a feeling the smiles didn’t last when she wasn’t there. Above everything, she wanted her husband to be happy.
Instead, she only said, “Want me to start it?” before pressing play with the remote.
During the movie Billie ate and ate. He ate more than he had in a while, which was saying something. But the food was good and Billie appreciated eating something a little different. The hospital food definitely could have been worse, hell, he’d had worse before, but it didn’t make eating into something he really enjoyed or looked forward to. Adrienne seemed happy he was eating; she made some comment when he went back for more pizza and it almost made him blush.
They were about an hour into the movie when Billie pushed the boxes of food to the side and curled up into Adrienne. She smiled and kissed his forehead as he settled into her.
For the rest of the movie Billie couldn’t really say he played complete attention, but that was okay; he didn’t think Adrienne minded. And, besides, they both knew it wasn’t about the movie; right now it was about spending time together.
When it ended Adrienne kissed his head and squeezed one of his hands. “I love you,” she whispered.
Billie smiled even though she couldn’t see him. “Aw, I love you too Adie.”
She squeezed him again, this time using her whole body instead of just her hand.
“Thanks for getting food, it was really good and I enjoyed it.” Billie pushed his face out of her so he could talk.
Adrienne nodded, twirling Billie’s hair in-between her fingers. “It’s no problem. I enjoyed it too.”
Billie nodded, nestling himself back inside of her body for a second. He couldn’t figure out what it was - if it was him or her, but the air felt heavy. There was something there that hadn’t been there before and Billie couldn’t figure it out.
Adrienne sighed and squeezed him tightly into her. “I miss you so much. I just hope you come home soon, Billie.”
She sounded on the brink of tears and Billie just swallowed. It sounded dumb but he didn’t know if he could deal with her like this. She’d been kind of upset earlier today, but they’d gotten away from it pretty quickly. He didn’t know if they would get away from this quickly.
He took a breath and nestled into her. “I miss you too. And I love you. I know I said this before, but we’ll make it through this, Adie. We always do.”
The thing was Adrienne wasn’t so sure she could do this. The rest of it. Some people might have said it was almost over now, that she’d made it through the hard parts, but Adrienne didn’t see it that way. She loved her husband very much and for many years had been ready and put up with everything that came their way. But everyone had a breaking point and she was worried she was there. She didn’t want to leave Billie Joe but it was hard. Biting her lip Adrienne felt her head slip downward. She felt like an idiot. It was hard for Billie too. She knew that. Actually, it was hard for everyone. But at some point she couldn’t handle worrying about him and wondering how he was anymore. She loved him so much, and it sounded really stupid, but it was too hard.
Billie felt kind of frozen, like a statue attached to his wife. He wanted to comfort her but he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say or do really. As time passed, though he realized she was crying.
Swallowing, Billie thought about how he couldn’t let her sit there and cry and how he had to do something and how pathetic it was that he was scared to because he didn’t know how to talk to her anymore. He took a breath, “Adie?” He half whispered it just in case, y’know, maybe she wasn’t crying or didn’t want to be bothered or something. He knew it was stupid, but he felt like an idiot and didn’t know what to do.
She was crying harder now and it kind of felt like she’d went limp against the wall and him.
You have to do something, he started telling himself. You have to do something you fucking pathetic assed loser. You have to do something. You can’t just let her there like that. Jesus Christ. Do something. Fucking something.
“8-8--,” Billie stumbled around and tried to take another breath. He was trying to move out of her but his arms were both shaking and he felt like an idiot. He couldn’t talk to her. He couldn’t do this.
Taking another breath Billie forced himself to start moving around so he could hold her better or something. At least try to do fucking something.
Just as he put his arm around her she cried out, louder than before and Billie Joe could have sworn that his chest caved in when he heard her. It was almost like the feeling he got when he had a panic attack - how his chest would get all tight, except this time it was from sadness and not really panic. Okay, that’s a lie he was panicking because he didn’t know what to say to her or do, really. But what Billie really felt was sad. More sad than he’d felt in a long time and in such way that he didn’t think he could begin to explain how he felt.
“I’m sorry,” he heard Adrienne get out through her crying.
Billie took a deep breath and squeezed her and told himself to try and put all his shit aside for five fucking seconds so he could be there for his fucking wife. “It’s okay, just come here, it’s okay Adrienne. I promise. It’s okay.”
She curled into him and Billie just kept biting his lip. He moved his hands all over her skin, trying to be comforting, but also trying to do something to keep him busy - to keep him from thinking. “Shh, it’s okay.”
Billie sat there like that with her for a while. She’d started to calm down eventually and Billie got her pillow and slid it under her head, which was in his lap now. He played with her dreads, giving his fingers something to do. He didn’t want to say anything too soon. He knew how he felt when he burst into tears like that. Afterwards he’d always felt that awkward embarrassment feeling and had wanted to be in silence for a little. Maybe silence didn’t always help, but with this Billie though it did. At least, anyway, it helped him.
Adrienne didn’t really know how to explain what had happened or how she felt now.
She missed Billie. That was stupid and obvious at this point, but, well.
Billie didn’t know this, but she did this a lot at home. Or at least more often than she felt like she should be doing. There were a lot of nights where she would cry herself to sleep. She felt like a selfish bitch for it. Adrienne knew it was hard on everyone who knew Billie; at the same time, though she had the feeling that she was the one who had to deal with it more than everyone else. Sometimes she thought she worried more now than when he’d been on tour and away from her. But now she knew there was something wrong and whatever it was she couldn’t fix.
Adrienne took a deep breath, letting it out through her nose. “I-I’m sorry for that Billie.”
Billie squeezed her shoulder, letting her dreads fall down. “It’s okay, you don’t need to be sorry, Adie.” He’d almost said something about being sorry for half having a panic attack, but he didn’t. He didn’t really want to turn this on himself; he had a feeling Adrienne really needed to talk.
When they were both quiet for a while Billie forced himself to speak up. Maybe Adrienne hadn’t had this conversation with him when things had been spinning out of control with him, but he could tell she really needed this even though he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. “Uh, Adie, I know there’s a lot going on with me and stuff, y’know me being here and everything. Do, uh, do-do you want to talk about anything?”
When time had passed and Adie hadn’t made a noise nor moved, Billie took another breath. “Look, Adie, I know I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to talk about this and I know I’m still all fucked up myself but I love you and I don’t want you to be sad or feel like shit or whatever, okay? You don’t have to talk to me, I mean, but I’m here and I love you. “He didn’t know what else to say but that. He didn’t really think he could say more.
Billie watched as she took a breath and pushed herself up, pushing a stray dread behind her ears. She turned to look at him and had a half moon smile on her face and moved to hug him. Billie hugged her back and she took a deep breath. She moved to sit back next to him and leaned up against the wall before talking.
“I’m just not dealing very well with you being gone, I guess.” She stopped, almost laughing after but frowned. “I know it’s hard on everyone. The rest of the band, the boys…it just feels extra hard on me right now and I just want you back home with me. And I’m worried about you. And I guess I probably haven’t stopped thinking about it for a long time and it’s getting to me. I don’t know. I know it’s stupid, Billie but I don’t really know how I feel.”
Billie had picked up her hand while she was talking and started nodding. “I don’t blame you for having a hard time dealing with it, Adie. I really don’t. I-I know I don’t have to be, and at this point it doesn’t even really matter, but I’m sorry. And it’s not stupid to not know how you feel. I…for all my therapy appointments my shrink has me fill out this paper about how I’m feeling and half the time I barely look at it and just check boxes and put down numbers. She said it’s supposed to help her see how I’m progressing, but I dunno, just seems like a bunch of shit and waste of time to me. But it’s not stupid. I love you, okay? And I know I already said it but I’m sorry.”
Adrienne glanced over at him and smiled. She even almost laughed which made Billie Joe smile back at her. She took a breath and played with his fingers, inspecting each of them separately. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay. I guess I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed without you around at home. It’s just hard and I feel stupid saying that, but I don’t know what else to say. I love you too, Billie. And…,” Adrienne trailed off for a second and took a breath. “Thank you for telling me that. I feel stupid not knowing how I feel….it’s just, I dunno. I can’t put it into words, I guess.”
Billie squeezed her again. “Y’know, Adie, if you’re feeling really overwhelmed with home maybe have my mom watch them for a while, or something. You could go to Minnesota and hangout for a while. It would give you a break. Just take a three day weekend or something. Or go hangout with your sister.”
Adrienne started shaking her head. “No, it’s okay. I want to be close to you right now, Billie. You’re more important.”
Billie took a breath when he heard her. He knew if she’d made up her mind she wouldn’t’ change it - that’s how Adrienne was, and no matter how much he wanted her to, he couldn’t get her to change her mind. “All right, but the offer’s always there. My mom doesn’t mind, okay? And I’ll be okay for a few days without you. There’s always the phone. I just don’t want you to get too run down or anything, okay? And I’m not more important than taking care of yourself. You have to take care of you before you can take care of me and the boys, okay?”
Adrienne smiled and turned to look at him. “I really do love you,” she whispered it and watched him smile before she kissed him, almost laughing when she pulled away.
Billie kissed her back, smiling. “I love you too. But in all seriousness Adie, if you find yourself in over your head just do it, okay? Or even if you just want to get a hotel for a change of scenery and have my Mom take the boys. You don’t to have to really go anywhere.”
Adrienne nodded and kissed him again and took a breath when they pulled way. “All right, I’ll keep it in mind. I think I’ll be okay. I am sorry, though. I know I don’t have to be. I think being with you today just…” Adrienne trailed off and looked away from her husband’s gaze.
Billie bit his lip and took a breath and told himself to just fucking say it because it was the truth. “There was a lot of emotion today, I think. And it’s okay and you don’t have to be sorry. I love you no matter what, 80.”
She nodded. “You got that right. I don’t really think I realized it, either. And I love you too, Billie Joe.”
Billie nodded back at her and almost felt like a wire in his head had disconnected. Like when the audio jack fell out of your TV and you could see the picture but couldn’t hear it. It was like that, kind of.
“I love you no matter what, 80”
“And I love you too, Billie Joe.”
The two didn’t match up. Billie swallowed and wanted to move on and forget about it but the two lines kept repeating themselves over and over and over again in his head. She’s not going to love you, he thought. When she finds out she won’t love you anymore.
---
eeeep. Sorry for that! I know I promised in the last post that the update was coming soon, so sorry! I got caught up in the summer, I think, heh.
Anyway, I really hope everyone is still around and enjoying reading! Comment with thoughts / and anything else!
Thanks :)
Author:
the_wondering_1 / Maria
Pairing: Billie/Mike (Billie/Adrienne)
Rating: PG-13 (mentions self-harm and suicide)
Disclaimer: Own nothin'. Didn't happen. You know the drill.
Note: Well, that didn't last long, did it?
Adrienne collected herself eventually. She felt bad leaving her husband’s side, but she wrote him a note that she’d only left for coffee and something to eat and would be back soon.
The cafeteria coffee wasn’t the best she’d ever had, but it was enough. That combined with a banana and a chocolate chip cookie she ate back down in her husband’s room, crumpling the note up and shoving it into the deepest regions of her purse.
An hour later she watched as he started to flicker his eyes open, squirming.
“Hey,” Adrienne whispered, turning towards him. She’d been reading a magazine.
Billie only made a mumbling noise and rolled over. She bit her lip and decided he was probably still tired. Hadn’t the nurse said he might be tired when he woke up? She couldn’t really remember. Billie pulled the blanket around up and around his body, pulling it closer to him. Adrienne frowned and saw another blanket sitting at the end of his bed all folded up. Getting up she unfolded it, tucking it around him. “There,” she whispered, “Get some rest, it’s okay if you’re still sleepy.”
He still seemed kind of out of it, so Adrienne only squeezed his shoulder and didn’t really expect him to say much to her. He was still groggy.
Not long after the same nurse came in with a lunch tray for Billie. “Did he wake up yet?” She asked as she moved to set it down.
Adrienne started to nod. “Yeah, I think he’s still a little groggy though. He woke up and squirmed around a little and went back to sleep.”
The nurse nodded. “All right, try to get him to eat a little of this when he wakes back up.”
Adrienne nodded and assured the nurse that she would do just that before she left.
When Billie woke up the second time he smiled at her when she said hi to him.
“You feeling more awake now?” she asked. She moved her chair to face him and smiled wider.
“Yeah. That stuff hit me kind of hard,” Billie said, glancing up at her.
Adrienne nodded and understood. “Yeah, you seemed out of it, but it’s okay.”
Billie nodded, slowly starting to push himself up. There was a part of him that wanted to see his stitches. Or well. They really weren’t stitches anymore. The stiches were supposed to be nonexistent by this point. Billie didn’t know what to call it…but he wanted to look. Just not in front of Adie. He knew it was stupid to worry about it - she’d already seen when he was asleep. But…but still.
Taking a breath Adie smiled and pulled out the food tray, pushing it towards him. “You should have something to eat.”
Billie smiled at her and took a deep breath. He really didn’t want anything to eat. The idea of eating kind of made him sick. But if Adie was going to push it with him today he’d eat a little something. For her. For her and only her.
“Yeah, okay. A little. Jamie made me eat a breakfast tray before we came up. I think she was worried I’d miss lunch like I did the other time.”
Adrienne nodded and watched as Billie picked at the food on his tray.
“You don’t have to eat that much if you’re not hungry,” She started saying. She didn’t want him to eat if he wasn’t hungry. Or eat to please her. It wasn’t about that. And really, she just wanted Billie to be okay.
Billie nodded and ended up eating a lot less from his tray than usual. He told himself it was okay because he’d eaten stuff at breakfast. In reality, though Billie just didn’t really have the stomach for it today.
About an hour after he’d been awake and talking to Adie Jamie came in.
She smiled gently at both Billie and Adrienne before saying anything. “I just wanted to let you know you still have your session today. You’ll have it down here and then hopefully we’ll get you back upstairs and off that IV, all right?”
Billie nodded and felt Adie squeeze his hand. “Yeah, that sounds okay.”
“Everything go okay down here while I was gone?” Her tone sounded a little concerned and Billie smiled, hoping to show her that everything had gone okay.
Adrienne spoke up first. “He sailed through everything. He did really well and nothing went wrong.”
Jamie’s face broke out into a smile and she said something about how happy she was that things went smoother this time before she left.
When Billie was sure the door was closed he took a deep breath and glanced back up at Adrienne. He really just wanted everything to be as normal as possible. Or. Well. At least as normal as a visit with Adie usually was.
He took another breath and locked eyes with her, smiling. “So how are you? It’s your day to visit and I haven’t heard anything about how stuff at home is yet. I wanna know.” Billie again at the end, a little more gently than before hoping that she didn’t take this badly or anything. He wasn’t trying to be mean or anything like that. He was genuinely honest to God interested in what was going on with her and home. Even though it might not have always seemed like it, Billie missed it more than words could describe it.
Adrienne moved to pick up his hand again and gave it a squeeze. “It’s good. Home is good.”
Billie nodded looking back up at her. “What about you? How have you been? What’s up with Atomic Garden; you haven’t talked about it in a while.”
Adrienne swallowed when she heard him. She didn’t really know what to say. Glossing over it and going on about how great she was doing seemed stupid; at this point she had a feeling that Billie Joe would be able to see right through her. “I-I’m okay, I guess. I miss you a lot. And Atomic Garden is going really well. I haven’t been over there as much lately, but you know how that can be sometimes. Jamie and I might try to get the online store up soon. We’re still kind of thinking about it.”
Billie nodded and wanted to say something encouraging about the store, but when he studied her face - really studied it he realized how unhappy she looked. He took a deep breath and sat himself up. He let go of her hand and used his to push himself up, his legs sliding over the edge of the bed.
“I miss you too,” Billie started saying, “C’mere.” He patted the side of the bed next to him.
Adrienne glanced up at him, gently blushing before she moved to get up.
When Billie Joe felt her, he pulled her into his lap and squeezed her tightly. “I miss you too,” he whispered, “But I want you to know that I love you more than anything and I think of you and the boys and home all the time in here.”
Adrienne nodded gently and squeezed Billie’s hand that was wrapped around her before repositioning herself on top of his lap. She bit down on her lip, not really wanting to cry in front of him.
Billie moved to rest his chin on her shoulder and squeezed her again. “I hope I’ll be home soon, 80. I mean, I hate saying this but it’s better I’m here. I think we both know that.”
Adrienne nodded again. She knew that for sure. She really did. “I know and I’m glad you’re here. I just miss you being at home.”
Billie took another breath and reached for her hand, squeezing it. “That makes two of us,” he whispered.
“I-I keep telling myself it’s just like a really long tour…” She trailed off and Billie just nodded and took a breath. “But, I mean, Billie it just doesn’t feel right anymore. I just miss you.”
Billie closed his eyes for a second. His stomach was starting to feel like something was
chewing on it - like in his insides. He really wished he could be home. That the tour could have ended normally. Like it was supposed to. That everything could be normal. He wished Adie wasn’t so sad.
He nestled up against her and took a breath. “I-I know. It doesn’t feel right to me either, Adie.” He took another breath and squeezed her.
Adrienne swallowed and turned so that she could see her husband. She took another breath and moved to put her head into his neck. Billie squirmed around to accommodate her and took a breath himself. Stuff like this - holding her, nestling her, that always made him remember how much he really missed her.
“We’ll get through it,” she whispered. “We always do. It just gets hard sometimes Beej.”
Billie eventually got her off the subject of how she missed him. It wasn’t necessarily that he didn’t want to talk about it. Er. Well. Okay, it kind of was. It was just hard for him to think about because it made him feel bad about the whole fucking thing. He loved her, but it was hard for him to hear her talk about it. And, really, if he was being honest he wanted to hear how his boys were doing. How home was. Billie didn’t really think she understood how much he missed that. How much he craved normalcy. And even though he knew it wasn’t one hundred percent normal for Adrienne, she got to be home and he didn’t.
Either way he got her talking about the boys - how well Jake was doing in soccer and how Joey and his band had been working on a lot of new stuff. She talked about Atomic Garden and how well the store was doing, how they kept running out of certain items and mentioned how her sister wanted to come down one weekend to hangout. Billie just nestled into her while she talked, squeezing her hand. Hearing about normal stuff, stuff like this about his kids and his wife, made him feel better about a lot of things. It gave him the slightest glimmer of hope that maybe one day he could be a part of the normal world again.
While they were talking Jamie came in and told him his appointment would be soon and Billie watched as Adrienne frowned.
When Jamie had left she turned toward Billie and frowned more. “I hate to do this, but you have your therapy and I need to get out of here so I can pick the boys up from school.”
Billie nodded and thought about how he really just wanted her to stay. Stay and hangout and talk to him. Maybe watch a movie. Be there.
Taking a breath, though he forced himself to appear okay with this. To not freak out and look all upset. She needed to go. The boys needed picked up and she had other things to do at home that were equally important as being with him. He told himself that over and over again, letting the line flow through his head and took another breath. There are other things she needs to do and your kids and the house and Atomic Garden and all of that is important too, Billie.
“Yeah,” he said, almost whispering it. “You should get going.” He squeezed onto her tighter and took another breath, letting it out through his nose.
Adrienne bit her lip when she felt Billie Joe hold on tighter. If she was being honest she didn’t really want to leave. But the boys needed to be picked up and she did have a lot to do at home. At the same time, though she had been feeling the weight of Billie Joe’s absence more than usual lately. Being with him, spending extra time with him would have helped. She nestled her head into his neck and thought. She could get the kids and drop them at home and come back. It would take a while with the traffic…but. She inhaled his scent and sighed. She really wanted this.
Kissing his neck she took a breath. “I’ll get the kids and come back this evening, okay? Maybe we can order food and just talk or watch a movie.”
Billie felt himself go red. He didn’t want her to come back. Well. No. He wanted her to. He wanted her to come back and talk and hold him and be there but…But she has other more fucking important things to do than to be your wife right now, Armstrong. He took another breath, thinking about how he’d tried to hide how he felt, tried to look all calm and not upset or anything like he did sometimes. He squeezed her gently, this time, “No, it’s okay Adie, go home. You need to be with the boys and I’m sure there are a million and one other things you wanted to get done today.” He almost said “besides babysitting me” but he didn’t add it in. He figured it was better if he kept his mouth shut.
She played with his fingers and took a breath. “Truthfully, I’d rather be with you right now.” She got off the bed, standing in front of him.
Watching her Billie didn’t let himself frown or sigh. Nothing outward to show her how he felt. But hearing that from her made him feel bad. He didn’t want her to feel like that. Ever. She didn’t deserve that. She sounded sad and that was the last thing Billie had ever wanted for her and in some ways it was making him feel like he’d really fucked everything up even more.
“Listen, I’m going to go and get the kids and I’ll see about coming back, okay? I’ll call you when I get home with them and we’ll see how things are going.”
Billie nodded. “Yeah, okay, that sounds good. And, I mean, 80 we can always have a different hangout order food watch movies talk night,” he said, hoping that the way he said everything made her laugh or smile.
She smiled brightly and moved to put her arms around him in a hug. “Very true, we can. I’ll call you. And I love you very very much. If you need anything I’m here.”
Billie nodded, squeezing her tightly back before she left. “Love you too. Give the boys my love as well.”
After she left Billie realized he didn’t have his notebook for therapy. He paged the nurse who got Jamie to get it from his room. When Jamie came downstairs and into Billie’s room with it she could tell something was off with him.
Before she left Billie started, “Hey, Jamie, if Adie calls while I’m in therapy or down here or whatever could you tell her that if the boys are okay being home and don’t need her it would be nice if she came back tonight and that I don’t mind and I’m not busy or anything? I doubt she’ll call, but just in case. And, uh, thanks for this.” Billie gestured to the notebook quickly and took another breath.
She smiled. “Of course, I’ll pass that along if she calls. And no problem. Hopefully I can get you back upstairs after your session.”
Billie nodded and told her he hoped the same thing before she closed the door and left.
Billie didn’t really want to talk about all the Adrienne stuff today, but at the same time he knew he needed to. And if it wasn’t going to be today, then fucking when?
Billie sat cross legged on his bed while he waited. He thought about turning the TV on, but didn’t. Somehow it seemed easier to sit and think about everything rather than try to distract himself.
She finally came in and Billie watched as she took the chair Adie had been sitting in and opened her legal pad.
“We’ll skip the paperwork today, so why don’t we just get started. Did you write something last night?”
Billie just nodded, moving to hand the notebook to her and took a deep breath.
“Why exactly did you feel like the band was falling apart then? You didn’t really go into much detail with that.”
Billie shrugged and watched her. “Our numbers dropped every album since our first, Dookie. Granted, I don’t think any of us really wanted to have the success of Dookie happen over and over again…but they were getting pretty bad. I mean, I dunno, at some point I think we all started wondering if it was worth it for the band, y’know? If there was really a point to doing this. I mean, I would always write shit even if no one listened…but there comes a point when you wonder if the band is working. If what you have going is working. I think we were all getting to the point where we were thinking that maybe it wasn’t working, especially after losing the master tapes to the other album.”
She nodded. “You talked about drinking a lot in this. Do you think you were an alcoholic then? Or even now?”
Billie started to shake his head no, but then stopped for a second. “Well. I dunno. I don’t really think I’m an alcoholic. I’m definitely not, I don’t think. But I like to party and on tour….well, it’s kind of a given, then, I guess. I think I just used it to cope. As a way of not dealing with all the shit that was going on, y’know. How my marriage was falling apart. How the band was going to shit. I think I just didn’t want to deal with it and that was how I did it. I guess it’s kind of similar to what happened now. Just…I dunno. Different, I guess.”
She nodded again and Billie took a breath, watching. “It seems like you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. Especially your DUI. Why do you think Adrienne reacted the way she did?”
Billie shrugged and took a breath, toying with the cuff of his sweatshirt. “I think it was the only way she knew how to get to me. Like, I don’t know. I wasn’t coping very well and I think leaving me there all night and then not talking to me was the only way she really knew how to reach me. And, I dunno. I think she wanted me to realize how upset she was. And I think she had a right to be upset. I was being an idiot about everything and, I dunno. I guess if I could change everything that happened I…I dunno. I’d like to say I would change it but I think I had to go through that to write American Idiot. And I think somehow Adrienne understands that.”
“How did you feel when she told you she didn’t want you around your children? And, this may seem trivial, but I’m curious if you went to your son’s soccer game.” Billie watched as she looked up at him, pen between two fingers.
He took a breath. “I felt like shit, I think. I…I can’t really remember specifically, honestly. But I probably felt like shit. And not really. I…I went down to the park and I got out and found what field his team was playing on and I went down and I could see him and, I dunno. I saw Adie on the sidelines cheering him on and felt like complete shit. She was being the good parent and I wasn’t.”
Billie looked back up and she frowned. “Billie you were there for him just like she was, I think you were being the best parent you could be at the time.”
Billie shook his head. “It…it’s different. I dunno. I ended up leaving after a little bit. Adie didn’t see me and I didn’t feel like seeing her. I didn’t want to fight with her. I was scared we would and I just left. I guess I should have stayed…I was just too much of a coward, I guess. I dunno. It’s whatever.”
Sitting there for a few moments he thought and spoke back up. “I guess…I dunno, with the kids. I guess I understand why she didn’t want me around them. I get it. I was drunk most of the time and acting like an idiot. And when I wasn’t I was obsessed with the album. It was like I had no off button or something. I went from one extreme to the other. And I think it was Adrienne’s way of telling me how out of control I was getting without really saying it as well.”
“Do you think you got out of control this time?” Billie watched as her hand moved across her legal pad.
He swallowed. “Yeah. And I think this time I was too scared to say anything about it, probably kind of because of what had happened last time, with Adie. I get why she did and said those things to me, but at the same time, I guess it affected me for better or for worse. I should have known or realized that everyone just wanted to help, but I tried to act like I had it together for so long and, I dunno. I just didn’t. That’s the real truth. I acted like I had it together but my grasp was slipping so much. Everyone noticed, even the crew. I was really only fooling myself for a while. It was stupid.”
She nodded. “I think you made some progress today, Billie. I’d like to talk more but we’re running out of time.”
He glanced up and nodded. He would have liked to talk about how upset Adrienne had been earlier today. How she didn’t seem very happy and how he felt like it was his fault. But maybe later. He sighed gently and glanced back up at her.
“You don’t have to write in your notebook tonight if you don’t want to. I think you can take the night off. But I think we need to delve into your relationship with Adrienne, what happened with American Idiot and what happened recently. But we’ll get there, Billie. Like I said, you’re making good progress.” She smiled gently and Billie glanced up to meet her gaze and nodded before she left.
When she left Billie lay back down on his bed and thought about everything. He wondered how interconnected the two things were. Him falling apart before and during the making of American Idiot and, well, this. There was a part of him that didn’t want to see how they were connected, but in some ways he could.
He probably would have been more open to talking to Adrienne about things if everything hadn’t happened before. He’d never thought of it like that, but it was probably true.
In his mind, though, sleeping with Mike had been building for a long time. Maybe they should have seen it coming. They probably should have, he decided. But it was hard to. Touring isn’t and wasn’t regular life. It wasn’t home where wives and home cooked meals with kids existed. It was a different life altogether, Billie decided. Even so maybe Mike and he should have realized what was going to happen eventually. They’d always been close, though and Billie had never seen that as a problem. Actually, no one had ever seen that as a problem. It wasn’t one. It…it was just the way it was. For a long time when they were teenagers Billie had said that they had each other and didn’t need anyone else. They didn’t bring it up much anymore, but they’d experimented together as teenagers. To Billie it wasn’t anything important, really. Kissing here and there a few handjobs and blowjobs, but not much more. They hadn’t had sex. Even so, some nights it was just nice to know that someone else was there. At least that was the way Billie Joe always saw it.
Though, the dynamics of their relationship changed when he met Adrienne and they got married. She knew about his past, he’d told her everything with Mike. Even so, they were still really close. She knew that and Billie always thought she was understanding of it.
Eventually the nurse from the morning came in and smiled while she took his IV out. She tried to talk to him, but Billie didn’t really say much back. He wasn’t really trying to be rude, but he wasn’t in the mood for it. His mind was elsewhere after his session, trying to figure out what the hell had happened to him ever since American Idiot.
After she left Billie got dressed back into his original clothes and Jamie came to take him back upstairs. She had a wheelchair and Billie Joe rolled his eyes. “I know, I know,” she said, “But it’s policy after you’ve been here.”
Billie nodded and didn’t say much before they got back up there. She helped him out of hit and he took a deep breath. Right before she left Billie spoke up, “Adie didn’t call did she?”
Jamie shook her head as she started to manure the wheel chair out of his room. “No she didn’t, sorry Billie.”
He started shaking his head, “No, no it’ s okay. I just wanted to make sure.”
Jamie nodded, smiling gently as she said goodbye and left.
Billie was really hoping she’d call and be home soon. He felt like an idiot about it but he didn’t feel like being alone after today. His head was kind of spinning after his session. He kept thinking about everything and he didn’t really want to; at this point Adie would have been the perfect distraction because he didn’t want to think. Billie Joe was so done with thinking about all of it. Even if it was shit that had happened years ago; like Jamie had said, he did spend a lot of time thinking about what had happened during American Idiot and how he had treated Adrienne and his kids. Billie was getting to the point where he just wanted to be done. Done for fucking ever and ever.
He pulled a book out and put the TV on for background noise and tried to get his thoughts to fucking stop for once in their life.
When Adrienne dropped the kids off at home that day she sat down at the kitchen table and sighed with her head in her hands. She figured she would give herself a few minutes to relax before calling Billie and going back out. She knew she didn’t have to go and see him again tonight but, well. It would have been nice and she thought she deserved to. It was silly in a lot of ways but she really missed him and wanted to see him. Sometimes it was like she forgot she really even had a husband.
Before she called Billie Joe back Adrienne went upstairs and found her oldest son in his bedroom. Sitting down on his bed Adrienne took a deep breath. “Joey, I need you to stay home and watch Jake for me tonight. I need to go back out.”
Joey lifted his head from what he was working on. “I have band practice tonight.”
Adrienne bit down on her lip. Shit shit shit. She’d forgotten it was a Thursday. She sighed. “Al…all right, can you maybe have it here instead? You can use the home studio, I don’t mind. And you can order pizza, too. And please make sure to help Jake with his homework before he goes to bed, okay?”
Joey nodded glancing back up. “Yeah, okay. I guess I can do that.”
Adrienne smiled gently. “Thank you, Joey. I really appreciate it.”
Joey only nodded again, his gaze holding. “Where are you going?”
Adrienne took a breath. She hadn’t really wanted to bring it up, but she wasn’t going to lie to him. “To see Billie…” Trailing off Adie took a breath. She hated this. She hated having to talk about it. She wished Billie could have been the one to do this because she just didn’t fucking want to.
“Oh…is Dad not doing that good again? I mean…,” Joey trailed off like his mom and looked away from her.
Taking a breath she told herself to say something, to be honest but to say something. “He’s doing better, but we both miss each other a lot and I think today was a hard day for him. I just thought it would help both of us to spend more time together today.”
Joey nodded. “Is…you haven’t really mentioned him for a while,” Joey paused for a second. It was stupid but he really didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t asked his Mom many questions about the whole thing, especially after what he overheard at the party. After that, at least to Joey anyway, it seemed best to stay out of everything. “Do you know when he can come home?”
Adrienne didn’t know how to answer the second part because she didn’t really know herself. Taking another breath she started again. “Yeah, he’s doing okay. Getting there. And, I really don’t know Joey. I’m hoping he’ll be home soon. I miss him like you do.”
Joey nodded and wanted to frown. At least you get to see him, he thought. Joey didn’t really like to think about the last time he saw his Dad. How happy they’d all been and how he’d ruffled his hair when they said goodbye to each other. How he told him he and Jake could fly out for some boys only time when they finished school for the summer, just before the tour was supposed to end. As much as Joey missed him, it was easier to focus on other things instead of remembering. At least that way it didn’t seem to hurt so much.
When Billie heard the phone in his room ring he could swear to God that his heart leapt out of his chest. He answered it with a simple, “Hey,” already feeling confident that he knew who it was.
Adrienne laughed when she heard him. “Hey back. You want me to come down?”
Billie nodded even though she couldn’t see him. “Of course I do,” he started saying, laughing back. Sometimes Billie couldn’t fucking believe how happy she made him.
Adrienne giggled. “All right, I’ll leave soon. Want me to pick up anything for dinner? Pizza? Chinese?”
Billie thought for a moment, “Both? Is that too much to ask?”
Adrienne laughed again and took a breath. “No, I can do that, it’s fine.”
Billie smiled and lay back down on his bed as he told her what he wanted for dinner.
It took her a little while to get there; Billie knew it would with the evening traffic and having to pick up dinner, but he didn’t mind. What was important to him was that she was coming. He’d done a lot of thinking today about…well. About things. His therapy session had kind of made his head spin, but in a good way. In a way that meant he was trying to work on things and fix them. But still. That combined with the stiches had been a lot in one day and he really just wanted to relax and forget about everything that had happened.
Part of him was surprised he’d done so well with the whole stitches thing. That he hadn’t freaked out too much. When Adrienne started running late…well, by then he’d started to get upset. It was at that point he started to feel like he couldn’t trust her, that she didn’t want to be there for him and that she was just screwing him around. Looking back on it Billie knew he was jumping to conclusions way too quickly with the whole thing, but the simple truth of it all was that it scared him. He was scared she wouldn’t want to be there with him. That, after learning everything she wouldn’t want him anymore. Wouldn’t want him around his boys, wouldn’t want to see his face anymore or hear his voice. That she would hate him. That’s what Billie Joe was afraid of. And even though she came and Billie understood why she was running late there was still this little bit of him that thought just maybe, she hadn’t really wanted to be there in the first place.
Billie Joe didn’t hug Adrienne right away when he saw her, although he could have. He waited until she put the pizza and Chinese food down before throwing his arms around her.
She laughed gently and it made him smile. “I guess you missed me after all.”
Billie only hugged her again; he didn’t think words were necessary. Even if he was scared of things to come, he had definitely missed her.
“I brought a movie for us, too,” Adrienne said.
Billie smiled and nodded while she put it in the DVD player; he started getting into the food.
Before either of them hit play on the DVD player they settled in. As Adrienne started to make herself up a plate of food she thought about saying something about how she missed him, or about how Joey had asked about him earlier that night but she couldn’t come up with anything. And, anyway, part of her didn’t want to ruin the moment. Billie was smiling and seemed happy to see her…she didn’t want to bring up something heavy like that. He generally seemed to smile when she was around, but Adrienne had a feeling the smiles didn’t last when she wasn’t there. Above everything, she wanted her husband to be happy.
Instead, she only said, “Want me to start it?” before pressing play with the remote.
During the movie Billie ate and ate. He ate more than he had in a while, which was saying something. But the food was good and Billie appreciated eating something a little different. The hospital food definitely could have been worse, hell, he’d had worse before, but it didn’t make eating into something he really enjoyed or looked forward to. Adrienne seemed happy he was eating; she made some comment when he went back for more pizza and it almost made him blush.
They were about an hour into the movie when Billie pushed the boxes of food to the side and curled up into Adrienne. She smiled and kissed his forehead as he settled into her.
For the rest of the movie Billie couldn’t really say he played complete attention, but that was okay; he didn’t think Adrienne minded. And, besides, they both knew it wasn’t about the movie; right now it was about spending time together.
When it ended Adrienne kissed his head and squeezed one of his hands. “I love you,” she whispered.
Billie smiled even though she couldn’t see him. “Aw, I love you too Adie.”
She squeezed him again, this time using her whole body instead of just her hand.
“Thanks for getting food, it was really good and I enjoyed it.” Billie pushed his face out of her so he could talk.
Adrienne nodded, twirling Billie’s hair in-between her fingers. “It’s no problem. I enjoyed it too.”
Billie nodded, nestling himself back inside of her body for a second. He couldn’t figure out what it was - if it was him or her, but the air felt heavy. There was something there that hadn’t been there before and Billie couldn’t figure it out.
Adrienne sighed and squeezed him tightly into her. “I miss you so much. I just hope you come home soon, Billie.”
She sounded on the brink of tears and Billie just swallowed. It sounded dumb but he didn’t know if he could deal with her like this. She’d been kind of upset earlier today, but they’d gotten away from it pretty quickly. He didn’t know if they would get away from this quickly.
He took a breath and nestled into her. “I miss you too. And I love you. I know I said this before, but we’ll make it through this, Adie. We always do.”
The thing was Adrienne wasn’t so sure she could do this. The rest of it. Some people might have said it was almost over now, that she’d made it through the hard parts, but Adrienne didn’t see it that way. She loved her husband very much and for many years had been ready and put up with everything that came their way. But everyone had a breaking point and she was worried she was there. She didn’t want to leave Billie Joe but it was hard. Biting her lip Adrienne felt her head slip downward. She felt like an idiot. It was hard for Billie too. She knew that. Actually, it was hard for everyone. But at some point she couldn’t handle worrying about him and wondering how he was anymore. She loved him so much, and it sounded really stupid, but it was too hard.
Billie felt kind of frozen, like a statue attached to his wife. He wanted to comfort her but he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say or do really. As time passed, though he realized she was crying.
Swallowing, Billie thought about how he couldn’t let her sit there and cry and how he had to do something and how pathetic it was that he was scared to because he didn’t know how to talk to her anymore. He took a breath, “Adie?” He half whispered it just in case, y’know, maybe she wasn’t crying or didn’t want to be bothered or something. He knew it was stupid, but he felt like an idiot and didn’t know what to do.
She was crying harder now and it kind of felt like she’d went limp against the wall and him.
You have to do something, he started telling himself. You have to do something you fucking pathetic assed loser. You have to do something. You can’t just let her there like that. Jesus Christ. Do something. Fucking something.
“8-8--,” Billie stumbled around and tried to take another breath. He was trying to move out of her but his arms were both shaking and he felt like an idiot. He couldn’t talk to her. He couldn’t do this.
Taking another breath Billie forced himself to start moving around so he could hold her better or something. At least try to do fucking something.
Just as he put his arm around her she cried out, louder than before and Billie Joe could have sworn that his chest caved in when he heard her. It was almost like the feeling he got when he had a panic attack - how his chest would get all tight, except this time it was from sadness and not really panic. Okay, that’s a lie he was panicking because he didn’t know what to say to her or do, really. But what Billie really felt was sad. More sad than he’d felt in a long time and in such way that he didn’t think he could begin to explain how he felt.
“I’m sorry,” he heard Adrienne get out through her crying.
Billie took a deep breath and squeezed her and told himself to try and put all his shit aside for five fucking seconds so he could be there for his fucking wife. “It’s okay, just come here, it’s okay Adrienne. I promise. It’s okay.”
She curled into him and Billie just kept biting his lip. He moved his hands all over her skin, trying to be comforting, but also trying to do something to keep him busy - to keep him from thinking. “Shh, it’s okay.”
Billie sat there like that with her for a while. She’d started to calm down eventually and Billie got her pillow and slid it under her head, which was in his lap now. He played with her dreads, giving his fingers something to do. He didn’t want to say anything too soon. He knew how he felt when he burst into tears like that. Afterwards he’d always felt that awkward embarrassment feeling and had wanted to be in silence for a little. Maybe silence didn’t always help, but with this Billie though it did. At least, anyway, it helped him.
Adrienne didn’t really know how to explain what had happened or how she felt now.
She missed Billie. That was stupid and obvious at this point, but, well.
Billie didn’t know this, but she did this a lot at home. Or at least more often than she felt like she should be doing. There were a lot of nights where she would cry herself to sleep. She felt like a selfish bitch for it. Adrienne knew it was hard on everyone who knew Billie; at the same time, though she had the feeling that she was the one who had to deal with it more than everyone else. Sometimes she thought she worried more now than when he’d been on tour and away from her. But now she knew there was something wrong and whatever it was she couldn’t fix.
Adrienne took a deep breath, letting it out through her nose. “I-I’m sorry for that Billie.”
Billie squeezed her shoulder, letting her dreads fall down. “It’s okay, you don’t need to be sorry, Adie.” He’d almost said something about being sorry for half having a panic attack, but he didn’t. He didn’t really want to turn this on himself; he had a feeling Adrienne really needed to talk.
When they were both quiet for a while Billie forced himself to speak up. Maybe Adrienne hadn’t had this conversation with him when things had been spinning out of control with him, but he could tell she really needed this even though he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. “Uh, Adie, I know there’s a lot going on with me and stuff, y’know me being here and everything. Do, uh, do-do you want to talk about anything?”
When time had passed and Adie hadn’t made a noise nor moved, Billie took another breath. “Look, Adie, I know I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to talk about this and I know I’m still all fucked up myself but I love you and I don’t want you to be sad or feel like shit or whatever, okay? You don’t have to talk to me, I mean, but I’m here and I love you. “He didn’t know what else to say but that. He didn’t really think he could say more.
Billie watched as she took a breath and pushed herself up, pushing a stray dread behind her ears. She turned to look at him and had a half moon smile on her face and moved to hug him. Billie hugged her back and she took a deep breath. She moved to sit back next to him and leaned up against the wall before talking.
“I’m just not dealing very well with you being gone, I guess.” She stopped, almost laughing after but frowned. “I know it’s hard on everyone. The rest of the band, the boys…it just feels extra hard on me right now and I just want you back home with me. And I’m worried about you. And I guess I probably haven’t stopped thinking about it for a long time and it’s getting to me. I don’t know. I know it’s stupid, Billie but I don’t really know how I feel.”
Billie had picked up her hand while she was talking and started nodding. “I don’t blame you for having a hard time dealing with it, Adie. I really don’t. I-I know I don’t have to be, and at this point it doesn’t even really matter, but I’m sorry. And it’s not stupid to not know how you feel. I…for all my therapy appointments my shrink has me fill out this paper about how I’m feeling and half the time I barely look at it and just check boxes and put down numbers. She said it’s supposed to help her see how I’m progressing, but I dunno, just seems like a bunch of shit and waste of time to me. But it’s not stupid. I love you, okay? And I know I already said it but I’m sorry.”
Adrienne glanced over at him and smiled. She even almost laughed which made Billie Joe smile back at her. She took a breath and played with his fingers, inspecting each of them separately. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay. I guess I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed without you around at home. It’s just hard and I feel stupid saying that, but I don’t know what else to say. I love you too, Billie. And…,” Adrienne trailed off for a second and took a breath. “Thank you for telling me that. I feel stupid not knowing how I feel….it’s just, I dunno. I can’t put it into words, I guess.”
Billie squeezed her again. “Y’know, Adie, if you’re feeling really overwhelmed with home maybe have my mom watch them for a while, or something. You could go to Minnesota and hangout for a while. It would give you a break. Just take a three day weekend or something. Or go hangout with your sister.”
Adrienne started shaking her head. “No, it’s okay. I want to be close to you right now, Billie. You’re more important.”
Billie took a breath when he heard her. He knew if she’d made up her mind she wouldn’t’ change it - that’s how Adrienne was, and no matter how much he wanted her to, he couldn’t get her to change her mind. “All right, but the offer’s always there. My mom doesn’t mind, okay? And I’ll be okay for a few days without you. There’s always the phone. I just don’t want you to get too run down or anything, okay? And I’m not more important than taking care of yourself. You have to take care of you before you can take care of me and the boys, okay?”
Adrienne smiled and turned to look at him. “I really do love you,” she whispered it and watched him smile before she kissed him, almost laughing when she pulled away.
Billie kissed her back, smiling. “I love you too. But in all seriousness Adie, if you find yourself in over your head just do it, okay? Or even if you just want to get a hotel for a change of scenery and have my Mom take the boys. You don’t to have to really go anywhere.”
Adrienne nodded and kissed him again and took a breath when they pulled way. “All right, I’ll keep it in mind. I think I’ll be okay. I am sorry, though. I know I don’t have to be. I think being with you today just…” Adrienne trailed off and looked away from her husband’s gaze.
Billie bit his lip and took a breath and told himself to just fucking say it because it was the truth. “There was a lot of emotion today, I think. And it’s okay and you don’t have to be sorry. I love you no matter what, 80.”
She nodded. “You got that right. I don’t really think I realized it, either. And I love you too, Billie Joe.”
Billie nodded back at her and almost felt like a wire in his head had disconnected. Like when the audio jack fell out of your TV and you could see the picture but couldn’t hear it. It was like that, kind of.
“I love you no matter what, 80”
“And I love you too, Billie Joe.”
The two didn’t match up. Billie swallowed and wanted to move on and forget about it but the two lines kept repeating themselves over and over and over again in his head. She’s not going to love you, he thought. When she finds out she won’t love you anymore.
---
eeeep. Sorry for that! I know I promised in the last post that the update was coming soon, so sorry! I got caught up in the summer, I think, heh.
Anyway, I really hope everyone is still around and enjoying reading! Comment with thoughts / and anything else!
Thanks :)