(no subject)
Title: What Happened to Billie Joe? [55/?] (Previous parts found here)
Author:
the_wondering_1 / Maria
Pairing: Billie/Mike (Billie/Adrienne)
Rating: PG-13 (mentions self-harm)
Disclaimer: Own nothin'. Didn't happen. You know the drill.
Note: Hi. I'm sorry and I blame my absence on college 100%. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!
Billie fell asleep that night by reading one of the books Adrienne brought him the last time she was here. It helped and for a while Billie was able to take his mind off of all the shit that it had been thinking about lately.
The next morning he woke up before her visit, got a shower and was sitting on his bed skimming through one of the books she’d brought him when she came in. He couldn’t help but to smile when he saw her. God did he love her.
She sat next to him and Billie rubbed his head into her side, trying to be funny. Adrienne smiled when he pulled his head away and cupped his face in her hands, kissing him. “How have you been doing?” She started asking him when she pulled away from him.
Billie started shrugging, feeling awkward but took a breath. “Okay. Tre called yesterday, he wants to come by and see me with Mike.”
Adrienne smiled and squeezed him. “Good,” she started saying as she pushed herself up against him more, “I was wondering why they hadn’t seen you yet.”
Billie shrugged, starting to feel awkward when she mentioned it. He knew why they hadn’t visited and really hew as oaky with that they hadn’t. They’d talked to him before he left and he’d seen Jason a little bit since then. It was okay, really. He’d had a lot of shit that he had to work out for himself, anyway, and it seemed more important.
When he didn’t say anything Adrienne picked up his hand, lacing her fingers with his. “It’ll be good for you to see them.” She squeezed his hand and Billie shifted, squeezing her hand back.
“Yeah, it’ll be good,” he said back to her, squeezing her hand again as he tried to show her that he was paying attention.
He felt her kiss his neck and he smiled, turning to face her. “Other things going okay?” she asked, smiling at him, her sweet voice sailing through his ears.
“Everything’s okay,” he said, but then stopped. He didn’t know if he should say more. Taking a deep breath he played with her wedding ring. She deserves this, he told himself. She fucking deserves this. “My shrink said I made a breakthrough with her the other day.”
Adrienne wrapped one of her arms around him, smiling. “That’s really great Billie. I knew you would get there, I knew it.”
She was still squeezing and smiling at him. If he was being honest he didn’t feel as happy about it as Adrienne seemed. It was a big deal…at least sort of, but at the same time Billie couldn’t get himself excited about it because everything really wasn’t okay yet. He didn’t think he would be happy about anything until things felt normal again. Felt okay. That’s what really mattered to him.
She kissed his cheek and Billie smiled.
“How are things at home?” Billie asked.
Adrienne went on to tell him about how things were going at Atomic Garden, which sounded fucking marvelous to him. And then she told him about both Joey and Jake, going on about how Joey had gigs lined up for a few months and how Jake was thinking about auditioning for the school play. All of it made Billie smile. Thinking about being home was great sometimes. Sometimes it was all he wanted even though he knew if he went home now it probably would end in a fucking disaster.
When she finished talking about how things at home were going Adrienne couldn’t help but to say something to Billie again. It was silly, she knew, but at the same time she couldn’t shake all the feelings she had about him that things weren’t okay. Weren’t right. It…it was hard to shake off, especially when she didn’t see him all the time and…well. She felt like he was hiding things sometimes. Granted, Adrienne knew she was probably expecting too him out of him if she wanted him to tell her everything that went on. On some level she knew he wouldn’t tell her everything that went on in therapy, after all wasn’t that the point of it in the first place? She rubbed her hand on his arm and took another deep breath. “You sure everything is okay Billie?”
He bit his lip when he heard her, only because he wasn’t facing her and thought about what she’d said. Thought about how he’d had a panic attack where he passed out and threw up all over himself, about how he hadn’t told her. He didn’t really want to, though. He didn’t see how it would really help anything to tell her. He knew she wanted to know things, just to know he was okay and shit, but. He bit his lip harder, wanting to sigh. She really didn’t need to know. He didn’t want her to be any more upset or worried about him than she already was. It wouldn’t help. “Yeah, everything’s okay. I’m good for the most part.”
She nodded again, squeezing him. ‘All right…just checking. I worry sometimes, y’know…” she trialed off and Billie just nodded, he understood.
Moving he squeezed her, trying to get himself to smile as he turned to face her. “It’s okay, Adie. I love you, you know that?”
She smiled at him very gently and moved to kiss him.
The rest of the time before she had to leave Billie sat curled up next to her wrapped up in one of the blankets from home. It was nice. He knew he said this every time he got to be with her like this, but God was it nice. For a while he got to forget about all the stupid shit his brain was always spewing out or how his shrink appointment would be soon or about how he heated everything. Just…for a while he got to forget and most of the time he really needed it.
Before she left he moved to squeeze her hand and smiled at her. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You know that, 80?” he asked her. She’d smiled and kissed him back and told him that she loved him too, before leaving and saying she’d be back the day after next.
Billie skimmed the books from her and watched some bad TV until Jamie brought in his food tray, and then tried to eat. The eating was getting better, some days he was able to eat almost all of it. But he still never really felt “hungry” anymore. It was weird, after a while of not wanting to eat he’d just stopped getting hungry. After that he usually ate whenever Jason would bug him, and then it was usually only once or twice a day because, as stupid as it sounded, he forgot about it.
Eventually Jamie came to get him to take him to his appointment. He walked next to her, hands stuffed into his sweatshirt as usual. She dropped him off and the nurse handed him the clipboard and as usual he circled the numbers as fast as he could before he started thinking about it too much. If he didn’t do it fast enough sometimes shit would start to circle in his head and then he wouldn’t fucking be able to figure anything out.
She came in and sat down, taking the paper from the clipboard and the nurse left, leaving the two of them alone. Billie just wanted to curl up on the couch and not have to do this whole thing today, which was stupid he knew. But it was how he felt.
“Did you want to talk about anything specific today before we started?” he heard her ask him, her eyes still scanning the paper.
He shrugged. He never had anything he really wanted to talk about. He had always assumed that was her job, not his.
“All right, Adrienne visited you today, do you want to talk about how that went?” She asked, putting the paper into his file.
Billie shrugged, starring at the designs of the carpet. “It went okay.”
She nodded. “What did the two of you talk about?”
He shrugged. “I….she kept asking me if I was okay. I…I guess she’s just worried. I know she is. I just…” Billie stopped, sighing and thought about how he wanted to curl himself up.
“She’s probably very worried about you still, Billie. What were you going to say? Do you think you can finish for me?” he heard her ask.
He took a big breath. “I guess I just don’t want to tell her the truth about some stuff because I don’t want to make her worry more, y’know? I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. I don’t want to hurt her any more. Like. I didn’t tell her about how when I had that breakthrough with you I ended up having a panic attack and throwing up all over myself. I…I didn’t want her to be worrying about it, y’know? I…I guess it would make me feel bad to tell her. It’s…it’s really hard sometimes, I guess.” When he finished he felt stupid, even though he knew that he had a right to feel this way, but all of it still felt stupid; he just couldn’t fucking help it anymore.
“Do you feel like you should have told her?” she asked, Billie watching her as she scribbled in her legal pad.
He nodded, playing with the hole in his jeans. “Yeah. I should have said something, I think. I don’t know. It’s really hard for me to talk about this stuff and I don’t really think she understands that. I mean, I know she’s just worried. But still. I guess I feel like, I don’t know, want to tell her or something. But I don’t. I really don’t. That’s the thing. I don’t want to talk to her about it. It’s really hard for me to even talk to you about it a lot of the time. I want to be able to tell her things, but it’s really hard for me to do that when I just sort of feel like shit about it. It’s hard enough for me to get it out when I know that it’s going to hurt her and upset her and stuff.”
“Have you tried to talk to her about any of this?”
Billie put his head down when he heard her, feeling kind of stupid that he hadn’t thought about this and shook his head. He wouldn’t have even known where to fucking begin with Adrienne anyway, so maybe it was better if he didn’t say anything. Biting his lip he sighed.
“Why haven’t you talked to her about how you feel?” Billie watched as she scribbled some more in her legal pad and it kind of unnerved him like it had in the beginning.
He took a breath, and then starred back down at the carpet for a second. “I…I dunno. I don’t know where to start about things and part of me feels like she wouldn’t understand if I tried to tell her anyway. And…I…I don’t know. I don’t know if I could put it all together to make her understand either. I don’t know. I think part of me is scared to, too. Like…I…I don’t really know.”
Billie stopped talking before he started sounding like too much of an idiot. Even though it was stupid he really didn’t know what to say to her or how to say it or how to make her understand or just fucking anything.
“Billie?” he heard her say when he wasn’t paying attention.
Taking a breath Billie looked up. “If it’s too hard for you to talk to your wife, then don’t. I know you have trouble with explaining things sometimes and that’s okay. But maybe you should try to tell her how you feel, that although you’d like to talk to her it’s hard for you.”
He nodded when she finished and sort of shrugged at himself. Maybe you should tell her, he thought. Maybe. He wasn’t going to promise anyone anything, but maybe he’d try and say something to her next time she came. Maybe. He didn’t want to make it into too much of a thing because he knew if he did that he’d get upset and start fucking panicking about everything and that was the last thing he needed.
“I think we’re about done for today, Billie, unless there’s something else you wanted to mention,” she said, moving to put her legal pad away.
Billie was about to say no, but then he thought about how last time she’d brought up that night when he cut too deep and how he’d had to get stitches. He sort of felt more ready to talk about it, but at the same time…he sighed. He didn’t really know if today was the day. “I…uh,” Billie paused, feeling stupid but not knowing what to say at the same time. “Last time you brought up that time when I cut too deep and had to get stitches when I was on tour…I…I think I can talk about it now. I…I don’t want to today, but, uh, maybe tomorrow.”
She nodded, smiling at Billie, “I’ll write it down for us to talk about tomorrow, okay?”
Billie nodded and took a deep breath. Everything is fine, Armstrong, just relax.
She didn’t give him anything to write about in his notebook, but told him he could if he needed to, and then Jamie picked him up and walked back with him to his room. He laid down on the bed, starring at the ceiling and thought about whether or not he should call Adrienne and try and talk to her. He was leaning more towards no, it’s a stupid idea you fucking idiot, more than anything else. If anything it wasn't a conversation to have on the phone, he knew that but at the same time having just talked about it with his stupid shrink made him want to talk about it now. After talking to her about it made him feel like maybe not really he could actually explain it to Adrienne and have her actually understand. At the same time, though, he didn’t really think that was true or possible. Like, if it actually came to him talking to her about it he wouldn’t be able to because he’d have a fucking panic attack or he’d just be so upset he wouldn’t.
Sighing, he curled up in blankets and flicked on the TV, telling himself whatever, it didn’t fucking matter. You don’t have to tell her right now, just don’t think about it and forget about it for now. Whatever.
He laid there, half out of it watching TV until Jamie knocked with his dinner tray and he got himself to eat some of it. It was okay, but when he finished he thought about how Tre and Mike were going to visit tomorrow. If he was being honest he’d sort of forgotten about it since last night because of how Adrienne had visited. Sighing, he flipped the channel on TV and closed his eyes. Just relax, he told himself. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it. Everything will go fine. It always goes fine and you get upset for no reason.
For the rest of the night Billie flipped between TV channels and read one of the books that Adrienne had brought him, which ended up being a fucking romance novel, but either way between that and the TV he was able to keep his mind off of things enough. It helped. It really fucking did. He kept thinking about Mike, though. About what he would say and what he wanted and just…he kept telling himself that it wouldn’t be anything bad. Mike is still your friend. You are still friends, he kept trying to tell himself those things but at the same time Billie didn’t really believe any of it. Things had changed between them a lot, even if they were still friends things had changed between them, he couldn’t deny it. Things were different and that’s what scared him.
Sighing, Billie curled up and forced himself to read more of his book instead of sitting there and thinking about Mike. It really didn’t help him any to just sit and think, he knew that.
Eventually Billie fell asleep with the romance novel on his chest and the TV muted. He looked pretty silly, but either way Billie would fucking take it. Sleep was sleep.
The next morning he woke up, and although he still felt fucking half asleep got himself to take a shower and change his clothes for Mike and Tre. When he was done he sat on his bed watching TV but not reading - even though it was stupid he really didn’t want them to see him reading that fucking romance novel. He knew it was a stupid thing to be worried about, but he knew when Tre saw it he would make a comment about it and although Billie knew he would mean it trying to be funny to him it really wouldn’t be and he didn’t want to get into anything like that. Closing his eyes he leaned back up against a pillow and watched Friends until Jamie knocked on his door, telling him that some of his friends were here and asking him if he wanted to see them. He nodded to her, thinking about the word want over and over again his head while he did so. Want. He didn’t really want to see them. But he needed to and he wouldn’t have been able to tell Tre, on the phone, that no, he didn’t want to see him or Mike. It was too hard to be that kind of person. He couldn’t be that kind of person, really. No matter what the two of them had been his friends for way to fucking long for him to just forget about it. Even if he didn’t really “want” to see them he realized he needed to. They’re your friends, Billie Joe, he told himself. They deserve this just as much as Adrienne does.
Billie swallowed as he held the door open for the two of them to come in. Billie sat down on his bed, Mike looking around awkwardly moved to the chair and Tre was left standing, leaning on the wall. Billie was going to tell him that he could sit on his bed, but decided not to say anything. Everything felt too fucking awkward for him to say anything about.
“So, how, uh, how are you doing, Beej?” Tre asked, moving himself away from the wall and attempting to look less awkward.
Billie shrugged, trying to scatter his
=gaze so he wouldn’t look at Mike. It was stupid, but he was already starting to feel really awkward. “I’m doing okay mostly. Y’know everything’s okay.” He really didn’t know what to say. Glancing up at Tre and over to Mike really quickly he could tell that they both kinda felt the same way.
“Yeah, that’s good. I’m, just, uh, y’know going to go get some coffee. I’ll be back.” Tre said it all really quickly before slipping out the door, leaving Mike and Billie to stare at each other.
Billie laughed gently, looking up at the door where Tre had disappeared out of, “Tre sure knows how to be subtle, huh?” he said to Mike. He was trying desperately to make things less awkward.
Mike smiled gently and looked up at him for the first time. “Yeah well, you know Tre.”
They smiled at each other again and Billie started to feel a little bit of himself melt when he saw Mike smiling. It wasn’t even in a romantic way or anything like that. It was more like he missed his friend.
“So…how have you been? Is everything really okay?” Mike’s voice sounded heavy with concern and Billie felt bad when he could hear it. None of this was Mike’s fault. Shit just happened.
Nodding, Billie took a breath before he started talking. “Yeah. I mean, it’s not like it’s really that bad or anything, y’know.”
Mike nodded, glancing around Billie’s room feeling awkward. He wished he could think of something to say.
Billie glanced around the same way as Mike did wishing that this all wasn’t so motherfucking awkward. It didn’t need to be motherfucking awkward. It really didn’t, but Billie didn’t know how to change it, either. He played with the sheets to his bed, trying desperately to come up with something to say because he was getting the feeling that Mike wouldn’t say anything.
“So, uh,” Billie started, fumbling after when he still hadn’t really thought of anything to say. “How’s…uh, y’know, how are you and stuff?” He starred down after he said it, still feeling kind of stupid for not really being able to put anything together. He was tired of not being able to put shit together.
“Everything’s okay, I guess,” he said, staring down, not looking up at Billie. Biting his lip he thought about how he wasn’t telling the truth. Things felt like shit most of the time and even after talking to Tre he still missed Billie a lot.
Glancing up at Billie he watched him nod. Thinking about it Mike took another big breath. “Actually….it’s not that okay, I guess. I miss you a lot and I’ve been worried. I know you keep telling me that everything wasn’t my fault, but goddamnit Billie Joe it still feels like it was. At least partly. I mean, just, fucking hell Billie, why?” Mike had started to thread his fingers into his hair and his voice had gotten a little louder at the end.
Billie knew from his tone he wasn’t really mad at him. He could tell when Mike was mad at him and, well, let’s just say it was a hell of a lot worse than any of this. Mike could get pretty pissed if you did enough. But still, it made him gulp and bite at his lip as he tried to figure everything out. As he thought about it he could feel his head dip down lower. He really couldn’t think of anything to say but “I’m sorry” and he couldn’t help but to think how fucking stupid it sounded because he couldn’t change what he’d already done. He’d already hurt Mike. Sorry didn’t change a fucking thing.
Taking another breath Billie brought his head up just enough so that he could meet Mike’s eyes. “I…I-I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t fix jack shit, but I’m sorry. I know I screwed up. And if you want to know why…just…I don’t even know why.”
Mike could feel his lips form into a frown when he heard Billie. “It…it’s okay. I just…you could have talked to me, y’know. You didn’t need to…” Mike didn’t know how to say the rest of it. Or how he was even supposed to think about saying the rest of it. Or think about it. Even if he had been the one to find Billie like that that morning in that fucking hotel room he still had a hard time thinking about what he’d actually done to himself that night.
Billie didn’t really know what to say. You didn’t need to. He didn’t, he guessed, but he had. He did. It was done. In the past. But why? Why did he do it anyway? Squirming Billie really didn’t want to think about it. About why. It was kind of too much for him to handle right now and he…he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t need to do that.
“I…I-I’m sorry, Mike.” Billie stopped after that. He didn’t know what else he was supposed to say. He didn’t think he could talk about any of it. At least not really. Not with Mike. Maybe with his shrink, but not with Mike. And anyway, he didn’t even really know where to start as to why he did it.
Biting his lip he stole a glance back up at Mike, still feeling awkward and stupid about all of it. “Aw, Beej,” Mike started saying, “I…” he stopped, thinking about how sad Billie had looked when he looked up at him. Taking a deep breath Mike tried to think of something to say back, mostly, though, he just wanted to get up and hug him. He really hadn’t meant to make Billie feel like shit and he was getting the feeling that that’s all he’d really accomplished.
Biting his lip Mike got out of his chair and walked over to Billie’s bed, putting both of his arms around him before Billie had even realized he got up. Feeling him Billie jumped up; wanting to push Mike away but somehow got himself not to. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. He kept saying it over and over and over again in his head, somehow trying to calm himself.
Feeling him, though, really made Billie want to curl into his arms and fall asleep and just…fucking hell. Fucking hell he’d missed him. He really didn’t know what to say other than that. Nothing seemed to explain it good enough.
“Hey, Beej, look…you…you don’t have to be sorry or anything, y’know? I…I’m sorry too even though you keep telling me not to be. Let’s….let’s just not be sorry. Either of us. Okay?” Mike moved so he didn’t have his arms around Billie anymore, giving them enough room so that they both sat comfortably on the bed.
Billie glanced over at him, nodding. “Yeah. Okay.”
Mike smiled when he heard his voice, really just wanting to pull him into the fucking biggest hug of his lifetime and hold him there like that. God. All of this just made his fucking heart break. Seeing Billie like this, even if he was better than before, God. It still fucking hurt. Nothing changed that. Nothing was ever going to change that.
“I…,” Mike’s voice trailed off and he didn’t really know what to say. Actually. He knew what he had wanted to say. He wanted to tell Billie that he loved him, but he couldn’t. There was just no way. And fuck, he wasn’t even really sure if that was true anymore.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. “I…I guess what I want to say is that you can come to me about shit…I mean I know everything that happened…but, I mean, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore or anything. I mean, Beej, we used to talk about everything together.”
Billie glanced up at him sort of sideways, feeling bad and nodded. It was true. They used to talk about everything together. They used to be friends. Used to be. Billie sighed. He wondered when they had stopped being friends and started just being guys who played in a band together. “I… you said not to be sorry, but I am. I’m sorry we stopped being friends and I know it’s my fault.” He glanced up at him and then away, after he was finished talking. It was stupid, everything was fucking stupid, but Billie really wished they could go back to being friends again. Actually, he wished they could all go back to before the tour had started and he wished he could do everything differently because he really hated how fucked it had all gotten. It had been said a million and fucking one times before, but he really hadn’t meant for this to happen. He really hadn’t. He hadn’t wanted it to happen.
Mike frowned and moved to put his hand on Billie’s shoulder. “It…it’s okay, Billie. I mean, I’m not mad at you. I…I guess it’s just been really hard for me to watch you…and all of this. I mean…” Mike sighed before he went on and bit his lip. “I…I don’t know if you know this, but I was the one who found you after…y’know, that morning. I mean. I…it was really hard and I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. I worry about you a lot, y’know.”
Billie really wanted to curl up and just not fucking be here after he’d heard Mike. He knew he hadn’t meant to make him feel like that…but God. He hadn’t known Mike had been the one to find him that morning. Oh God. He couldn’t imagine. He…he couldn’t imagine how it made him feel. The knowledge that Mike had found him that morning after was making him…he sighed. He didn’t even want to say the fucking words. He wished no one ever had to put up with him and all his shit. They didn’t deserve it. Mike didn’t deserve it. He really didn’t.
Biting his lip Billie glanced back up at Mike and shrugged a little. “I…it’s okay, I guess. I mean, I’m trying to be okay. I’m sorry I made you worry so much. I wish you wouldn’t worry. Everything’s okay. I mean, I’m here. It’s okay. And…I…I’m sorry you had to find me and I’m sorry for what I did that night. It was really stupid of me. And please don’t say it wasn’t, because that’s the one thing that was stupid. And it’s the one thing that you have to let me apologize for because I really need to.”
Mike put his arm around Billie again, even though he wasn’t really sure it was the right thing to do or not. Squeezing him he took a deep breath as he tried to figure out what to say that wouldn’t sound too stupid. “I…it’s okay. I know you don’t want me to say that, probably, but I mean, shit happens. I…I’m just really glad you’re okay. That’s all that really matters to me, Beej. That you’re okay. I mean. I want you to be okay. And…I mean. I…I don’t really know how to say this and I know we’re only sort of friends right now, but I mean, I guess…I guess the thing about that night that I don’t get is…I don’t really get why you didn’t come to me. I know we weren’t really friends then, but I mean you could have. You didn’t have to do that. I would have done whatever I could have to help, you know that, right?”
Billie just sort of wanted to put his head down after he heard that. He didn’t really know what to say. He wanted to say that yes, he did know that. He did know that Mike would have come to help, or just fucking helped him at all. But the thing was, though, Billie hadn’t known that. He really hadn’t. Although if he was being truthful he hadn’t really thought about asking him for help, either. Mike had just seemed, in his mind, at least, to be the root of all his problems. Honestly, he hadn’t thought of him as someone who might be able to help him untangle the mess of them.
Taking a deep breath he tried to figure out what he was going to say back to him. Or something. He really didn’t know what to say. He wished he did, but he didn’t. “I…,” he stopped, sighing. “Look, Mike, the truth is that when that shit happened…I really didn’t think of going to you, or anyone else, really. I…everything was really broken, and I know it sounds stupid, but in a lot of ways my head was broken. Like. I just…I don’t know. I tried to hold everything together for so long, but eventually…I dunno. I guess eventually you can’t and it all falls apart. I don’t know. I just…I don’t really know how to say it but to say that, that night when I cut myself a lot everything felt wrong. Everything felt fucked. Nothing felt right.”
He’d really wanted to say he was sorry when he finished that again because he didn’t want to hurt Mike or make him worry or anything. He didn’t want this to be there anymore. He just. Closing his eyes he thought about how he just didn’t want to keep having to have conversations with people about this. Conversations like this. He fucking hated it. He never knew what to say, and although he was able to see how they helped the relationships with his friends and family, at the same time it was hard for him to do it because it was just that: hard. Fucking hard. And he hated it. He hated seeing the hurt looks on their faces. He hated knowing it was his fault and he hated how everyone seemed to act like it could have been stopped if he’d just done x or y. No. It couldn’t have it. It wasn’t like that. Not everyone seemed to understand that Billie couldn’t have fixed that night if he just would have done this or that. It didn’t matter. It didn’t work like that. And you know what? It would have happened anyway. Eventually. It couldn’t have been put on hold forever.
Mike just sort of nodded, glancing at Billie, wishing that there was an easier way to make all of this work. There wasn’t, though. “It’s okay. I just…I don’t want you to feel like that. I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t come and talk to me about things. I know we weren’t talking then, but if you would have texted me or whatever and said you needed me or wanted to talk or whatever I would have been there. It…what happened between us that stupid day doesn’t…it doesn’t change this, okay? We’re friends Billie Joe and no matter what happens nothing changes that.”
Billie nodded, actually starting to feel like he could bring his head up to see Mike’s for the first time in a while. “Okay,” he got out.
Mike smiled, squeezing him some more, which made Billie smile as well. As much as Billie didn’t want to admit it, he really wanted to curl up into his arms and fall asleep like he might have done if Mike were Adrienne.
They hugged each other pretty tight and after a while of some more talking Tre poked his head back in. They all talked for awhile, which wasn’t as nearly as awkward as everything had felt before. He told Tre everything was okay. He told him he was feeling better and that he hoped to get out of here soon. It wasn’t a total lie. At least not really. He was feeling better, at least some days anyway and well…he might get out soon but that didn’t necessarily mean he was hoping for it. Either way he didn’t let it bother him. It was whatever. It didn’t really matter all that much. Or at least that’s what he tried to convince himself of, anyway.
He told both of them, although he meant it more to Mike, that they were welcome to call him or stop by or whatever whenever they wanted. Even if he hadn’t exactly wanted to see either of them it had been nice. It restored his faith in the fact that maybe him and Mike could be friends again - like how they used to be, although if he was being honest he wasn’t holding his breath over it. He tried not to let it bother him and tried not to think about it. But the truth was that he really missed him and wished that everything could go back to being okay - that they could both go back to being fucking carefree like they use to be.
Billie hugged each of them before they left and waved goodbye leaning against his doorframe.
Taking some deep breaths he walked back over to his bed and fell onto it before getting up and digging out the romance novel he’d been reading before Mike and Tre had gotten there.
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I thought I would once again say that I'm sorry.
Part of the reason this was so late was that I was trying to edit the last chapter (which beyond typos isn't something I normally do). It needed a lot of work and I just ended up giving up on it. This chapter shouldn't have been too confusing without the other, but please let me know if you need anything clarified or if you're confused, ect. The only thing missing should have been that Tre called Billie and asked if they could visit, so I hope that scene didn't feel too out of the blue.
Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed reading and thanks for doing so! The next update shouldn't take so long (hopefully, anyway).
Author:
the_wondering_1 / Maria
Pairing: Billie/Mike (Billie/Adrienne)
Rating: PG-13 (mentions self-harm)
Disclaimer: Own nothin'. Didn't happen. You know the drill.
Note: Hi. I'm sorry and I blame my absence on college 100%. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!
Billie fell asleep that night by reading one of the books Adrienne brought him the last time she was here. It helped and for a while Billie was able to take his mind off of all the shit that it had been thinking about lately.
The next morning he woke up before her visit, got a shower and was sitting on his bed skimming through one of the books she’d brought him when she came in. He couldn’t help but to smile when he saw her. God did he love her.
She sat next to him and Billie rubbed his head into her side, trying to be funny. Adrienne smiled when he pulled his head away and cupped his face in her hands, kissing him. “How have you been doing?” She started asking him when she pulled away from him.
Billie started shrugging, feeling awkward but took a breath. “Okay. Tre called yesterday, he wants to come by and see me with Mike.”
Adrienne smiled and squeezed him. “Good,” she started saying as she pushed herself up against him more, “I was wondering why they hadn’t seen you yet.”
Billie shrugged, starting to feel awkward when she mentioned it. He knew why they hadn’t visited and really hew as oaky with that they hadn’t. They’d talked to him before he left and he’d seen Jason a little bit since then. It was okay, really. He’d had a lot of shit that he had to work out for himself, anyway, and it seemed more important.
When he didn’t say anything Adrienne picked up his hand, lacing her fingers with his. “It’ll be good for you to see them.” She squeezed his hand and Billie shifted, squeezing her hand back.
“Yeah, it’ll be good,” he said back to her, squeezing her hand again as he tried to show her that he was paying attention.
He felt her kiss his neck and he smiled, turning to face her. “Other things going okay?” she asked, smiling at him, her sweet voice sailing through his ears.
“Everything’s okay,” he said, but then stopped. He didn’t know if he should say more. Taking a deep breath he played with her wedding ring. She deserves this, he told himself. She fucking deserves this. “My shrink said I made a breakthrough with her the other day.”
Adrienne wrapped one of her arms around him, smiling. “That’s really great Billie. I knew you would get there, I knew it.”
She was still squeezing and smiling at him. If he was being honest he didn’t feel as happy about it as Adrienne seemed. It was a big deal…at least sort of, but at the same time Billie couldn’t get himself excited about it because everything really wasn’t okay yet. He didn’t think he would be happy about anything until things felt normal again. Felt okay. That’s what really mattered to him.
She kissed his cheek and Billie smiled.
“How are things at home?” Billie asked.
Adrienne went on to tell him about how things were going at Atomic Garden, which sounded fucking marvelous to him. And then she told him about both Joey and Jake, going on about how Joey had gigs lined up for a few months and how Jake was thinking about auditioning for the school play. All of it made Billie smile. Thinking about being home was great sometimes. Sometimes it was all he wanted even though he knew if he went home now it probably would end in a fucking disaster.
When she finished talking about how things at home were going Adrienne couldn’t help but to say something to Billie again. It was silly, she knew, but at the same time she couldn’t shake all the feelings she had about him that things weren’t okay. Weren’t right. It…it was hard to shake off, especially when she didn’t see him all the time and…well. She felt like he was hiding things sometimes. Granted, Adrienne knew she was probably expecting too him out of him if she wanted him to tell her everything that went on. On some level she knew he wouldn’t tell her everything that went on in therapy, after all wasn’t that the point of it in the first place? She rubbed her hand on his arm and took another deep breath. “You sure everything is okay Billie?”
He bit his lip when he heard her, only because he wasn’t facing her and thought about what she’d said. Thought about how he’d had a panic attack where he passed out and threw up all over himself, about how he hadn’t told her. He didn’t really want to, though. He didn’t see how it would really help anything to tell her. He knew she wanted to know things, just to know he was okay and shit, but. He bit his lip harder, wanting to sigh. She really didn’t need to know. He didn’t want her to be any more upset or worried about him than she already was. It wouldn’t help. “Yeah, everything’s okay. I’m good for the most part.”
She nodded again, squeezing him. ‘All right…just checking. I worry sometimes, y’know…” she trialed off and Billie just nodded, he understood.
Moving he squeezed her, trying to get himself to smile as he turned to face her. “It’s okay, Adie. I love you, you know that?”
She smiled at him very gently and moved to kiss him.
The rest of the time before she had to leave Billie sat curled up next to her wrapped up in one of the blankets from home. It was nice. He knew he said this every time he got to be with her like this, but God was it nice. For a while he got to forget about all the stupid shit his brain was always spewing out or how his shrink appointment would be soon or about how he heated everything. Just…for a while he got to forget and most of the time he really needed it.
Before she left he moved to squeeze her hand and smiled at her. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You know that, 80?” he asked her. She’d smiled and kissed him back and told him that she loved him too, before leaving and saying she’d be back the day after next.
Billie skimmed the books from her and watched some bad TV until Jamie brought in his food tray, and then tried to eat. The eating was getting better, some days he was able to eat almost all of it. But he still never really felt “hungry” anymore. It was weird, after a while of not wanting to eat he’d just stopped getting hungry. After that he usually ate whenever Jason would bug him, and then it was usually only once or twice a day because, as stupid as it sounded, he forgot about it.
Eventually Jamie came to get him to take him to his appointment. He walked next to her, hands stuffed into his sweatshirt as usual. She dropped him off and the nurse handed him the clipboard and as usual he circled the numbers as fast as he could before he started thinking about it too much. If he didn’t do it fast enough sometimes shit would start to circle in his head and then he wouldn’t fucking be able to figure anything out.
She came in and sat down, taking the paper from the clipboard and the nurse left, leaving the two of them alone. Billie just wanted to curl up on the couch and not have to do this whole thing today, which was stupid he knew. But it was how he felt.
“Did you want to talk about anything specific today before we started?” he heard her ask him, her eyes still scanning the paper.
He shrugged. He never had anything he really wanted to talk about. He had always assumed that was her job, not his.
“All right, Adrienne visited you today, do you want to talk about how that went?” She asked, putting the paper into his file.
Billie shrugged, starring at the designs of the carpet. “It went okay.”
She nodded. “What did the two of you talk about?”
He shrugged. “I….she kept asking me if I was okay. I…I guess she’s just worried. I know she is. I just…” Billie stopped, sighing and thought about how he wanted to curl himself up.
“She’s probably very worried about you still, Billie. What were you going to say? Do you think you can finish for me?” he heard her ask.
He took a big breath. “I guess I just don’t want to tell her the truth about some stuff because I don’t want to make her worry more, y’know? I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. I don’t want to hurt her any more. Like. I didn’t tell her about how when I had that breakthrough with you I ended up having a panic attack and throwing up all over myself. I…I didn’t want her to be worrying about it, y’know? I…I guess it would make me feel bad to tell her. It’s…it’s really hard sometimes, I guess.” When he finished he felt stupid, even though he knew that he had a right to feel this way, but all of it still felt stupid; he just couldn’t fucking help it anymore.
“Do you feel like you should have told her?” she asked, Billie watching her as she scribbled in her legal pad.
He nodded, playing with the hole in his jeans. “Yeah. I should have said something, I think. I don’t know. It’s really hard for me to talk about this stuff and I don’t really think she understands that. I mean, I know she’s just worried. But still. I guess I feel like, I don’t know, want to tell her or something. But I don’t. I really don’t. That’s the thing. I don’t want to talk to her about it. It’s really hard for me to even talk to you about it a lot of the time. I want to be able to tell her things, but it’s really hard for me to do that when I just sort of feel like shit about it. It’s hard enough for me to get it out when I know that it’s going to hurt her and upset her and stuff.”
“Have you tried to talk to her about any of this?”
Billie put his head down when he heard her, feeling kind of stupid that he hadn’t thought about this and shook his head. He wouldn’t have even known where to fucking begin with Adrienne anyway, so maybe it was better if he didn’t say anything. Biting his lip he sighed.
“Why haven’t you talked to her about how you feel?” Billie watched as she scribbled some more in her legal pad and it kind of unnerved him like it had in the beginning.
He took a breath, and then starred back down at the carpet for a second. “I…I dunno. I don’t know where to start about things and part of me feels like she wouldn’t understand if I tried to tell her anyway. And…I…I don’t know. I don’t know if I could put it all together to make her understand either. I don’t know. I think part of me is scared to, too. Like…I…I don’t really know.”
Billie stopped talking before he started sounding like too much of an idiot. Even though it was stupid he really didn’t know what to say to her or how to say it or how to make her understand or just fucking anything.
“Billie?” he heard her say when he wasn’t paying attention.
Taking a breath Billie looked up. “If it’s too hard for you to talk to your wife, then don’t. I know you have trouble with explaining things sometimes and that’s okay. But maybe you should try to tell her how you feel, that although you’d like to talk to her it’s hard for you.”
He nodded when she finished and sort of shrugged at himself. Maybe you should tell her, he thought. Maybe. He wasn’t going to promise anyone anything, but maybe he’d try and say something to her next time she came. Maybe. He didn’t want to make it into too much of a thing because he knew if he did that he’d get upset and start fucking panicking about everything and that was the last thing he needed.
“I think we’re about done for today, Billie, unless there’s something else you wanted to mention,” she said, moving to put her legal pad away.
Billie was about to say no, but then he thought about how last time she’d brought up that night when he cut too deep and how he’d had to get stitches. He sort of felt more ready to talk about it, but at the same time…he sighed. He didn’t really know if today was the day. “I…uh,” Billie paused, feeling stupid but not knowing what to say at the same time. “Last time you brought up that time when I cut too deep and had to get stitches when I was on tour…I…I think I can talk about it now. I…I don’t want to today, but, uh, maybe tomorrow.”
She nodded, smiling at Billie, “I’ll write it down for us to talk about tomorrow, okay?”
Billie nodded and took a deep breath. Everything is fine, Armstrong, just relax.
She didn’t give him anything to write about in his notebook, but told him he could if he needed to, and then Jamie picked him up and walked back with him to his room. He laid down on the bed, starring at the ceiling and thought about whether or not he should call Adrienne and try and talk to her. He was leaning more towards no, it’s a stupid idea you fucking idiot, more than anything else. If anything it wasn't a conversation to have on the phone, he knew that but at the same time having just talked about it with his stupid shrink made him want to talk about it now. After talking to her about it made him feel like maybe not really he could actually explain it to Adrienne and have her actually understand. At the same time, though, he didn’t really think that was true or possible. Like, if it actually came to him talking to her about it he wouldn’t be able to because he’d have a fucking panic attack or he’d just be so upset he wouldn’t.
Sighing, he curled up in blankets and flicked on the TV, telling himself whatever, it didn’t fucking matter. You don’t have to tell her right now, just don’t think about it and forget about it for now. Whatever.
He laid there, half out of it watching TV until Jamie knocked with his dinner tray and he got himself to eat some of it. It was okay, but when he finished he thought about how Tre and Mike were going to visit tomorrow. If he was being honest he’d sort of forgotten about it since last night because of how Adrienne had visited. Sighing, he flipped the channel on TV and closed his eyes. Just relax, he told himself. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it. Everything will go fine. It always goes fine and you get upset for no reason.
For the rest of the night Billie flipped between TV channels and read one of the books that Adrienne had brought him, which ended up being a fucking romance novel, but either way between that and the TV he was able to keep his mind off of things enough. It helped. It really fucking did. He kept thinking about Mike, though. About what he would say and what he wanted and just…he kept telling himself that it wouldn’t be anything bad. Mike is still your friend. You are still friends, he kept trying to tell himself those things but at the same time Billie didn’t really believe any of it. Things had changed between them a lot, even if they were still friends things had changed between them, he couldn’t deny it. Things were different and that’s what scared him.
Sighing, Billie curled up and forced himself to read more of his book instead of sitting there and thinking about Mike. It really didn’t help him any to just sit and think, he knew that.
Eventually Billie fell asleep with the romance novel on his chest and the TV muted. He looked pretty silly, but either way Billie would fucking take it. Sleep was sleep.
The next morning he woke up, and although he still felt fucking half asleep got himself to take a shower and change his clothes for Mike and Tre. When he was done he sat on his bed watching TV but not reading - even though it was stupid he really didn’t want them to see him reading that fucking romance novel. He knew it was a stupid thing to be worried about, but he knew when Tre saw it he would make a comment about it and although Billie knew he would mean it trying to be funny to him it really wouldn’t be and he didn’t want to get into anything like that. Closing his eyes he leaned back up against a pillow and watched Friends until Jamie knocked on his door, telling him that some of his friends were here and asking him if he wanted to see them. He nodded to her, thinking about the word want over and over again his head while he did so. Want. He didn’t really want to see them. But he needed to and he wouldn’t have been able to tell Tre, on the phone, that no, he didn’t want to see him or Mike. It was too hard to be that kind of person. He couldn’t be that kind of person, really. No matter what the two of them had been his friends for way to fucking long for him to just forget about it. Even if he didn’t really “want” to see them he realized he needed to. They’re your friends, Billie Joe, he told himself. They deserve this just as much as Adrienne does.
Billie swallowed as he held the door open for the two of them to come in. Billie sat down on his bed, Mike looking around awkwardly moved to the chair and Tre was left standing, leaning on the wall. Billie was going to tell him that he could sit on his bed, but decided not to say anything. Everything felt too fucking awkward for him to say anything about.
“So, how, uh, how are you doing, Beej?” Tre asked, moving himself away from the wall and attempting to look less awkward.
Billie shrugged, trying to scatter his
=gaze so he wouldn’t look at Mike. It was stupid, but he was already starting to feel really awkward. “I’m doing okay mostly. Y’know everything’s okay.” He really didn’t know what to say. Glancing up at Tre and over to Mike really quickly he could tell that they both kinda felt the same way.
“Yeah, that’s good. I’m, just, uh, y’know going to go get some coffee. I’ll be back.” Tre said it all really quickly before slipping out the door, leaving Mike and Billie to stare at each other.
Billie laughed gently, looking up at the door where Tre had disappeared out of, “Tre sure knows how to be subtle, huh?” he said to Mike. He was trying desperately to make things less awkward.
Mike smiled gently and looked up at him for the first time. “Yeah well, you know Tre.”
They smiled at each other again and Billie started to feel a little bit of himself melt when he saw Mike smiling. It wasn’t even in a romantic way or anything like that. It was more like he missed his friend.
“So…how have you been? Is everything really okay?” Mike’s voice sounded heavy with concern and Billie felt bad when he could hear it. None of this was Mike’s fault. Shit just happened.
Nodding, Billie took a breath before he started talking. “Yeah. I mean, it’s not like it’s really that bad or anything, y’know.”
Mike nodded, glancing around Billie’s room feeling awkward. He wished he could think of something to say.
Billie glanced around the same way as Mike did wishing that this all wasn’t so motherfucking awkward. It didn’t need to be motherfucking awkward. It really didn’t, but Billie didn’t know how to change it, either. He played with the sheets to his bed, trying desperately to come up with something to say because he was getting the feeling that Mike wouldn’t say anything.
“So, uh,” Billie started, fumbling after when he still hadn’t really thought of anything to say. “How’s…uh, y’know, how are you and stuff?” He starred down after he said it, still feeling kind of stupid for not really being able to put anything together. He was tired of not being able to put shit together.
“Everything’s okay, I guess,” he said, staring down, not looking up at Billie. Biting his lip he thought about how he wasn’t telling the truth. Things felt like shit most of the time and even after talking to Tre he still missed Billie a lot.
Glancing up at Billie he watched him nod. Thinking about it Mike took another big breath. “Actually….it’s not that okay, I guess. I miss you a lot and I’ve been worried. I know you keep telling me that everything wasn’t my fault, but goddamnit Billie Joe it still feels like it was. At least partly. I mean, just, fucking hell Billie, why?” Mike had started to thread his fingers into his hair and his voice had gotten a little louder at the end.
Billie knew from his tone he wasn’t really mad at him. He could tell when Mike was mad at him and, well, let’s just say it was a hell of a lot worse than any of this. Mike could get pretty pissed if you did enough. But still, it made him gulp and bite at his lip as he tried to figure everything out. As he thought about it he could feel his head dip down lower. He really couldn’t think of anything to say but “I’m sorry” and he couldn’t help but to think how fucking stupid it sounded because he couldn’t change what he’d already done. He’d already hurt Mike. Sorry didn’t change a fucking thing.
Taking another breath Billie brought his head up just enough so that he could meet Mike’s eyes. “I…I-I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t fix jack shit, but I’m sorry. I know I screwed up. And if you want to know why…just…I don’t even know why.”
Mike could feel his lips form into a frown when he heard Billie. “It…it’s okay. I just…you could have talked to me, y’know. You didn’t need to…” Mike didn’t know how to say the rest of it. Or how he was even supposed to think about saying the rest of it. Or think about it. Even if he had been the one to find Billie like that that morning in that fucking hotel room he still had a hard time thinking about what he’d actually done to himself that night.
Billie didn’t really know what to say. You didn’t need to. He didn’t, he guessed, but he had. He did. It was done. In the past. But why? Why did he do it anyway? Squirming Billie really didn’t want to think about it. About why. It was kind of too much for him to handle right now and he…he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t need to do that.
“I…I-I’m sorry, Mike.” Billie stopped after that. He didn’t know what else he was supposed to say. He didn’t think he could talk about any of it. At least not really. Not with Mike. Maybe with his shrink, but not with Mike. And anyway, he didn’t even really know where to start as to why he did it.
Biting his lip he stole a glance back up at Mike, still feeling awkward and stupid about all of it. “Aw, Beej,” Mike started saying, “I…” he stopped, thinking about how sad Billie had looked when he looked up at him. Taking a deep breath Mike tried to think of something to say back, mostly, though, he just wanted to get up and hug him. He really hadn’t meant to make Billie feel like shit and he was getting the feeling that that’s all he’d really accomplished.
Biting his lip Mike got out of his chair and walked over to Billie’s bed, putting both of his arms around him before Billie had even realized he got up. Feeling him Billie jumped up; wanting to push Mike away but somehow got himself not to. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. He kept saying it over and over and over again in his head, somehow trying to calm himself.
Feeling him, though, really made Billie want to curl into his arms and fall asleep and just…fucking hell. Fucking hell he’d missed him. He really didn’t know what to say other than that. Nothing seemed to explain it good enough.
“Hey, Beej, look…you…you don’t have to be sorry or anything, y’know? I…I’m sorry too even though you keep telling me not to be. Let’s….let’s just not be sorry. Either of us. Okay?” Mike moved so he didn’t have his arms around Billie anymore, giving them enough room so that they both sat comfortably on the bed.
Billie glanced over at him, nodding. “Yeah. Okay.”
Mike smiled when he heard his voice, really just wanting to pull him into the fucking biggest hug of his lifetime and hold him there like that. God. All of this just made his fucking heart break. Seeing Billie like this, even if he was better than before, God. It still fucking hurt. Nothing changed that. Nothing was ever going to change that.
“I…,” Mike’s voice trailed off and he didn’t really know what to say. Actually. He knew what he had wanted to say. He wanted to tell Billie that he loved him, but he couldn’t. There was just no way. And fuck, he wasn’t even really sure if that was true anymore.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. “I…I guess what I want to say is that you can come to me about shit…I mean I know everything that happened…but, I mean, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore or anything. I mean, Beej, we used to talk about everything together.”
Billie glanced up at him sort of sideways, feeling bad and nodded. It was true. They used to talk about everything together. They used to be friends. Used to be. Billie sighed. He wondered when they had stopped being friends and started just being guys who played in a band together. “I… you said not to be sorry, but I am. I’m sorry we stopped being friends and I know it’s my fault.” He glanced up at him and then away, after he was finished talking. It was stupid, everything was fucking stupid, but Billie really wished they could go back to being friends again. Actually, he wished they could all go back to before the tour had started and he wished he could do everything differently because he really hated how fucked it had all gotten. It had been said a million and fucking one times before, but he really hadn’t meant for this to happen. He really hadn’t. He hadn’t wanted it to happen.
Mike frowned and moved to put his hand on Billie’s shoulder. “It…it’s okay, Billie. I mean, I’m not mad at you. I…I guess it’s just been really hard for me to watch you…and all of this. I mean…” Mike sighed before he went on and bit his lip. “I…I don’t know if you know this, but I was the one who found you after…y’know, that morning. I mean. I…it was really hard and I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. I worry about you a lot, y’know.”
Billie really wanted to curl up and just not fucking be here after he’d heard Mike. He knew he hadn’t meant to make him feel like that…but God. He hadn’t known Mike had been the one to find him that morning. Oh God. He couldn’t imagine. He…he couldn’t imagine how it made him feel. The knowledge that Mike had found him that morning after was making him…he sighed. He didn’t even want to say the fucking words. He wished no one ever had to put up with him and all his shit. They didn’t deserve it. Mike didn’t deserve it. He really didn’t.
Biting his lip Billie glanced back up at Mike and shrugged a little. “I…it’s okay, I guess. I mean, I’m trying to be okay. I’m sorry I made you worry so much. I wish you wouldn’t worry. Everything’s okay. I mean, I’m here. It’s okay. And…I…I’m sorry you had to find me and I’m sorry for what I did that night. It was really stupid of me. And please don’t say it wasn’t, because that’s the one thing that was stupid. And it’s the one thing that you have to let me apologize for because I really need to.”
Mike put his arm around Billie again, even though he wasn’t really sure it was the right thing to do or not. Squeezing him he took a deep breath as he tried to figure out what to say that wouldn’t sound too stupid. “I…it’s okay. I know you don’t want me to say that, probably, but I mean, shit happens. I…I’m just really glad you’re okay. That’s all that really matters to me, Beej. That you’re okay. I mean. I want you to be okay. And…I mean. I…I don’t really know how to say this and I know we’re only sort of friends right now, but I mean, I guess…I guess the thing about that night that I don’t get is…I don’t really get why you didn’t come to me. I know we weren’t really friends then, but I mean you could have. You didn’t have to do that. I would have done whatever I could have to help, you know that, right?”
Billie just sort of wanted to put his head down after he heard that. He didn’t really know what to say. He wanted to say that yes, he did know that. He did know that Mike would have come to help, or just fucking helped him at all. But the thing was, though, Billie hadn’t known that. He really hadn’t. Although if he was being truthful he hadn’t really thought about asking him for help, either. Mike had just seemed, in his mind, at least, to be the root of all his problems. Honestly, he hadn’t thought of him as someone who might be able to help him untangle the mess of them.
Taking a deep breath he tried to figure out what he was going to say back to him. Or something. He really didn’t know what to say. He wished he did, but he didn’t. “I…,” he stopped, sighing. “Look, Mike, the truth is that when that shit happened…I really didn’t think of going to you, or anyone else, really. I…everything was really broken, and I know it sounds stupid, but in a lot of ways my head was broken. Like. I just…I don’t know. I tried to hold everything together for so long, but eventually…I dunno. I guess eventually you can’t and it all falls apart. I don’t know. I just…I don’t really know how to say it but to say that, that night when I cut myself a lot everything felt wrong. Everything felt fucked. Nothing felt right.”
He’d really wanted to say he was sorry when he finished that again because he didn’t want to hurt Mike or make him worry or anything. He didn’t want this to be there anymore. He just. Closing his eyes he thought about how he just didn’t want to keep having to have conversations with people about this. Conversations like this. He fucking hated it. He never knew what to say, and although he was able to see how they helped the relationships with his friends and family, at the same time it was hard for him to do it because it was just that: hard. Fucking hard. And he hated it. He hated seeing the hurt looks on their faces. He hated knowing it was his fault and he hated how everyone seemed to act like it could have been stopped if he’d just done x or y. No. It couldn’t have it. It wasn’t like that. Not everyone seemed to understand that Billie couldn’t have fixed that night if he just would have done this or that. It didn’t matter. It didn’t work like that. And you know what? It would have happened anyway. Eventually. It couldn’t have been put on hold forever.
Mike just sort of nodded, glancing at Billie, wishing that there was an easier way to make all of this work. There wasn’t, though. “It’s okay. I just…I don’t want you to feel like that. I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t come and talk to me about things. I know we weren’t talking then, but if you would have texted me or whatever and said you needed me or wanted to talk or whatever I would have been there. It…what happened between us that stupid day doesn’t…it doesn’t change this, okay? We’re friends Billie Joe and no matter what happens nothing changes that.”
Billie nodded, actually starting to feel like he could bring his head up to see Mike’s for the first time in a while. “Okay,” he got out.
Mike smiled, squeezing him some more, which made Billie smile as well. As much as Billie didn’t want to admit it, he really wanted to curl up into his arms and fall asleep like he might have done if Mike were Adrienne.
They hugged each other pretty tight and after a while of some more talking Tre poked his head back in. They all talked for awhile, which wasn’t as nearly as awkward as everything had felt before. He told Tre everything was okay. He told him he was feeling better and that he hoped to get out of here soon. It wasn’t a total lie. At least not really. He was feeling better, at least some days anyway and well…he might get out soon but that didn’t necessarily mean he was hoping for it. Either way he didn’t let it bother him. It was whatever. It didn’t really matter all that much. Or at least that’s what he tried to convince himself of, anyway.
He told both of them, although he meant it more to Mike, that they were welcome to call him or stop by or whatever whenever they wanted. Even if he hadn’t exactly wanted to see either of them it had been nice. It restored his faith in the fact that maybe him and Mike could be friends again - like how they used to be, although if he was being honest he wasn’t holding his breath over it. He tried not to let it bother him and tried not to think about it. But the truth was that he really missed him and wished that everything could go back to being okay - that they could both go back to being fucking carefree like they use to be.
Billie hugged each of them before they left and waved goodbye leaning against his doorframe.
Taking some deep breaths he walked back over to his bed and fell onto it before getting up and digging out the romance novel he’d been reading before Mike and Tre had gotten there.
----
I thought I would once again say that I'm sorry.
Part of the reason this was so late was that I was trying to edit the last chapter (which beyond typos isn't something I normally do). It needed a lot of work and I just ended up giving up on it. This chapter shouldn't have been too confusing without the other, but please let me know if you need anything clarified or if you're confused, ect. The only thing missing should have been that Tre called Billie and asked if they could visit, so I hope that scene didn't feel too out of the blue.
Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed reading and thanks for doing so! The next update shouldn't take so long (hopefully, anyway).